I'm doing a 30-day drug detox with my friend in a cabin we rented, 2 weeks in now. Last night I had a weird dream, holy shit. So fucking weird. It was actually pretty terrifying which NEVER happens to me, like it was half a proper nightmare, I kept waking up and was scared, though some parts of the dream were not scary. Usually when I have dark dreams, they're more fascinating than viscerally frightening. As I tried falling asleep, I was getting this looping obsessive thought type of thing which happens to me from gabaergic drug rebound, not surprising since I used etizolam to sleep for like a week and a half at first during this detox, after using it pretty often to sleep for a while before that. Ran out a few days ago. It felt like I had to complete these really confusing thought loops, but it was hard to tell what they were, they were very jumbled. As I drifted towards actual sleep, they started to resolve into what I can only describe as necromantic. It was like I was trying to figure out how to bring things back to life, and I couldn't sleep until I made sense of it. It was really weird, I kept looping through this mass of jumbled thoughts, and eventually they started to make sense, and the repeating thought loop became clear to me and I stopped feeling so awake. At first I was very aware it was gabaergic obsessive dream thoughts, and was frustrated that they made no sense and were preventing me from sleeping, but gradually they started to make sense, and I figured out the "rules" and drifted off to sleep in the middle of my "calculations".
As it became a full dream, I was in my hometown, with my high school friends and some people I just imagined who were also people I knew in the dream. Also my bass player was there, and he had a little baggie of bone dust and he was trying to find bones to grind up. We kept taking finger dips of the bone dust and eating it which was weird and made me feel horrified, and yet, I wanted to do it, it was a compulsion. Throughout the dream, something was building, we were building towards what felt like an apocalypse. My friend was sneaking around doing rituals and stuff, and sometimes I was helping him and sometimes I was trying to convince him not to. As it went on, he became pretty frightening. Also, people and animals started to be part of the dream, which were not exactly zombies, because they were conscious and would speak/etc, but they were dead and animated and were really frightening/unnerving. My friend's wolf dog was there, and as the dream went on he went from sweet and friendly as he is, to menacing and threatening to me, which seemed to be a barometer for how involved I was in bringing this dark stuff to life.
The way all of this made me feel was so dark, and like, unclean, but I kept doing it, it was so weird. On the eve of what seemed to be the apocalypse, that everyone seemed aware was happening, there were lots of people, both living and dead, and we were all in this crypt-like basement, having a sort of party, well sometimes it was a party and sometimes it was an attempt to survive where we were fighting off the dead, it was very weird and jumbled. At one point I was running around with a shotgun and this undead guy was chasing me and I hit him like 6 times and he kept coming. Then I took off down this long, long mountain road, snowy and alone, I walked. No idea what I did there, I came back the next morning though, and my dad was there, not sure if he was alive or dead, and he and the others were really upset at me because I just walked off and didn't tell anyone and they were searching for me all night. I felt really ashamed. The apocalypse had passed, and we all went upstairs out of the crypt. The world looked bright and sunny, but my friend went back downstairs and wanted to make a new home in the crypt. And I went back down with him, and wanted to go back upstairs but felt like I couldn't. There was more in there, I know I missed parts, and I feel like there was more to how it ended, but that's what I remember. Throughout it all there was a feeling of futility, darkness, and evil.
I have had really morbid dreams before, but it's rare, and this one left me feeling pretty weird. I woke up like 10 times in the middle of the dream. I can see how aspects of the dream are representative about my drug struggles. I hope I start being able to sleep better soon, the past 3 nights have been really hard to sleep, 2 nights ago I barely slept at all, and last night I slept but very lightly and with disturbing dreams.
