Recovery ⫸⫸ THE RECOVERY THREAD 2021 ⫷⫷

[Nurse Ratched]

The closer I get to recovery, the more horrible my past seems. If I dwell forever in the abyss, I don't have to face the things I've done. Being successful is evidence that my failures were not inevitable... Having said all that, it's a small price to pay (relatively).

Sobriety isn't easy, but neither is addiction.

Couldn't agree more.

 

[Blankenstein]

@Blankenstein i'm so sorry to hear about your dog. i really hope its fixable. well done on keeping off booze for 2 weeks. not so good re the benzos and opiates.

@dragonix good luck. it does sound like you need to lay off all substances. did you make it to the meeting?

managed not to purge yesterday. keeping busy and eating smaller portions helps.

have got insanely drunk the past 2 nights. not good.

Thank you I really appreciate your response. I hope you and everyone that is searching for it finds peace.

I’m fucking struggling.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Thank you I really appreciate your response. I hope you and everyone that is searching for it finds peace.

I’m fucking struggling.

fuck man sorry to hear that. what help are you getting? even if you have to pay, i really think you should get some professional help. it is possible to recover on your own but there is no need to make it harder than it needs to be.

i've been utterly exhausted and utterly dumb this week.

eventually ended up feeling as ill as purging with full flushing makes me feel, turns out how i was doing it just makes it take longer to get to that point. also drinking- started drinking neat gin in my bedroom. the erosion in my stomach flared up yesterday so i felt fucking awful.

but, weirdly, i feel quite mentally well today. moving house is stressful as fuck, i know i need to stop these behaviours, but we emptied my storage on friday, started unpacking yesterday. i can feel stress lifting with every bit of progress. i'd been feeling overwhelmed at just how much there was to do and organise. i've still got loads to do but i can sorta see the end.

 

[Blankenstein]

fuck man sorry to hear that. what help are you getting? even if you have to pay, i really think you should get some professional help. it is possible to recover on your own but there is no need to make it harder than it needs to be.

i've been utterly exhausted and utterly dumb this week.

eventually ended up feeling as ill as purging with full flushing makes me feel, turns out how i was doing it just makes it take longer to get to that point. also drinking- started drinking neat gin in my bedroom. the erosion in my stomach flared up yesterday so i felt fucking awful.

but, weirdly, i feel quite mentally well today. moving house is stressful as fuck, i know i need to stop these behaviours, but we emptied my storage on friday, started unpacking yesterday. i can feel stress lifting with every bit of progress. i'd been feeling overwhelmed at just how much there was to do and organise. i've still got loads to do but i can sorta see the end.

I’m trying to get an appointment with my psychologist, but she’s pretty busy and I’m not in town much anymore.

yeh I’m thinking about rehab to be honest.

im taking a week off work, so will have 2 weeks off. I need to help my family with my father. It seems his dementia has progressed and he may be discharged from hospital soon, but where too we are still trying to figure out. I don’t think he is able to live at home anymore. He would be dead if I didn’t hear him convulsing this last time. He also would be dead if someone wasn’t home the previous time when he was having oesophageal bleeds and lying on the ground with internal bleeding vomiting blood. Watching someone die from alcoholism is truely horrific.

but yeh helping my family for a week then going to drive and camp down the coast and surf and dive for a week out of temptations way and try to get my shit together. I feel so guilty being away for 2 weeks at a time working and hearing the toll it’s taking on my mum with what’s she’s dealing with.

@chinup drinking alone in your room is probably not so great. Not only the physical damage that does. Speaking from personal experience.

Also for me when I start drinking in isolation I know shit is getting bad. What’s your plan for getting back on track? Seemed like you were doing pretty well a few months back. I mean I know how quick things can go from good to bad, but just seeing how you’re going?

 

[Jabberwocky]

@Blankenstein definitely rehab would be helpful for you. a circuit break and some time to focus would help, hopefully they'd provide good therapy too.

that sounds so stressful about your dad. parental illness is horrible. i'm glad you're able to help. its not your fault your job requires you to travel, just try and help when you're back home. it does sound like he probably needs more care than he can receive at home.

i have been up and down with drinking. managed to get it down to 1-2 nights per week and not super excessive on those nights. i'm dead set on never drinking in my new house, which i'll be moving into this weekend probably. i'll be living with my boyf so i won't be able to hide in my room, cos it'll be his room too.

definitely not buying gin to drink in my room again.

my stomach has probably forced me to stop. i've been in so much pain the last few days with it, and i know drinking and purging have caused that. i had today off work to help my boyf decorating and unpacking in the new house but had to come back to my parents and just lie down. i've had chronic stomach issues since my worst anorexia and the only thing that helps them not be completely debilitating is being sensible re alcohol and food.

 

[Blankenstein]

@Blankenstein definitely rehab would be helpful for you. a circuit break and some time to focus would help, hopefully they'd provide good therapy too.

that sounds so stressful about your dad. parental illness is horrible. i'm glad you're able to help. its not your fault your job requires you to travel, just try and help when you're back home. it does sound like he probably needs more care than he can receive at home.

i have been up and down with drinking. managed to get it down to 1-2 nights per week and not super excessive on those nights. i'm dead set on never drinking in my new house, which i'll be moving into this weekend probably. i'll be living with my boyf so i won't be able to hide in my room, cos it'll be his room too.

definitely not buying gin to drink in my room again.

my stomach has probably forced me to stop. i've been in so much pain the last few days with it, and i know drinking and purging have caused that. i had today off work to help my boyf decorating and unpacking in the new house but had to come back to my parents and just lie down. i've had chronic stomach issues since my worst anorexia and the only thing that helps them not be completely debilitating is being sensible re alcohol and food.

Thanks heaps for your concern and kind words.

You take care too mate.

I remember when I first “discovered” day drinking at 21. I hit gin hard and ended up with pancreatitis. I was also doing a lot of CWE at the time so thought maybe I was doing them incorrectly and I had a paracetamol overdose. I remember when the ER doctor told me I didn’t have elevated levels of paracetamol I said “so I’m doing it right? So all good?” Such a Fucking idiot… seriously.

take care and good luck with the new house. But yeh as you are probably well are “Geographicals” don’t work. Moving house is basically a geographical.

 

[Blankenstein]

On

The closer I get to recovery, the more horrible my past seems. If I dwell forever in the abyss, I don't have to face the things I've done. Being successful is evidence that my failures were not inevitable... Having said all that, it's a small price to pay (relatively).

Sobriety isn't easy, but neither is addiction.

keep fighting friend. I feel you and relate to what you are saying. How you going?

 

[Blankenstein]

Been searching for podcasts recently about recovery.

I can’t remember if I already mentioned this podcast.

My memory is so terrible from benzos that when I wanted info on fake clonazepam I actually googled “fake clonazepam Australia” a few days ago and a thread popped up on bluelight. So I clicked it and started reading it to quickly realise it was a thread I actually started a couple of months ago. Totally forgot… Benzos are seriously the devil.

anyway… found a podcast called dopey. Some of you may already know about it.

I related and listened to a few episodes then found out one of the hosts relapsed and died. Listening to the episodes leading up to his death was very sad picking up on the things he was saying. Then the podcast after he died was incredibly sad and emotional.

Chris’ death happened a couple of years ago. There were also a couple of other tragic deaths of guests of the podcasts. So sad and made me think of how serious this thing we are fighting is.

just reminded me while though I was listening and laughing at their ridiculous drug stories. We can all die so easily.

Stay strong blue light/dopey nation.

toodles.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I remember when I first “discovered” day drinking at 21. I hit gin hard and ended up with pancreatitis. I was also doing a lot of CWE at the time so thought maybe I was doing them incorrectly and I had a paracetamol overdose. I remember when the ER doctor told me I didn’t have elevated levels of paracetamol I said “so I’m doing it right? So all good?” Such a Fucking idiot… seriously.

oh god yeah thank fuck i've always had stuff to do in the day that required my brain, so except at weekends, i've never done day drinking.

take care and good luck with the new house. But yeh as you are probably well are “Geographicals” don’t work. Moving house is basically a geographical.

thanks. and yeah i've done a lot of geographicals....managed 4 cities in 4 years once. but cos i'll be living with my boyf and we'll be sharing a bedroom, i won't be able to drink in private at all. so he will know.

more of the issue with him is that his bar for problematic drinking is 2 bottles of whisky a day, cos his mum was an alcoholic for like 20 years. and a really bad one, i've had relations die of alcoholism who i considered less bad than her so no idea how she's alive. but it means that even when he sees me really hurting cos of drinking, he doesn't view it as much of an issue. certainly not one that requires complete abstinence.

i've made it clear i will not be drinking in our new house. ever. we are also starting to try for a baby so he knows i can't really drink now, so hopefully that will help.

its 7pm here and i'm doing ok so far so hopefully will make it through the rest of the day without drinking. i had a mild urge but was quickly able to get through it.

thanks for the podcast recommendation, will def check it out.

totally get you re benzos- i used to frequently do stuff like getting lost right outside my flat.

i hate blacking out so much. do it too often.

 

[Jabberwocky]

about to go to bed. day 2 booze and purge free and probably past purging being worth it now. worried about the scales tomorrow.

 

[birdup]

How you going?

I've been struggling with sobriety more than I should recently because of the lockdown, but now that it's ending in a couple of days I'm feeling really positive again. Sobriety has shifted from something I know I have to do to something I actually want, which is a huge thing for me.

For years, I've been trying to force myself to do something against my will.

Now - finally - I am onboard.



Thanks everyone for your support.

 

[birdup]

My health is very bad today. I have a serious medical condition. It has been described by women as more painful than childbirth. Painkillers don't stop it. Nothing does. It fucks me like a freight train in my ass.

The only positive thing about today is this: I'm not going to use H. There is nothing predictably worse than this. If I can beat this, I can beat anything.

Fuck my head. This is torture. I'm really not in a good place today. No amount of drugs or alcohol fixes this particular problem.

trigeminal neuralgia - Google Zoeken

 

[Blankenstein]

about to go to bed. day 2 booze and purge free and probably past purging being worth it now. worried about the scales tomorrow.

Fuck the scales. Fuck alcohol. Focus on the life you and your partner are trying to build.

great work on 2 days. Keep it up.

 

[Blankenstein]

My health is very bad today. I have a serious medical condition. It has been described by women as more painful than childbirth. Painkillers don't stop it. Nothing does. It fucks me like a freight train in my ass.

The only positive thing about today is this: I'm not going to use H. There is nothing predictably worse than this. If I can beat this, I can beat anything.

Fuck my head. This is torture. I'm really not in a good place today. No amount of drugs or alcohol fixes this particular problem.

trigeminal neuralgia - Google Zoeken

That sounds terrible about the pain. You are doing amazing to not use while being in such pain.

I don’t know much about you’re condition so can’t offer much there sorry, but you as you said you beat smack, so you can do anything you put your mind to!

 

[Blankenstein]

I've been struggling with sobriety more than I should recently because of the lockdown, but now that it's ending in a couple of days I'm feeling really positive again. Sobriety has shifted from something I know I have to do to something I actually want, which is a huge thing for me.

For years, I've been trying to force myself to do something against my will.

Now - finally - I am onboard.



Thanks everyone for your support.

Do you do a 12 step thing? How do you maintain your sobriety?

ive sporadically gone to meetings since late 2013. But never committed and done more than share when I’m really struggling.

ive been thinking about saying fuck it and just trying to fully commit to it for 6 months and see if it helps.

I’ve been drinking after work by myself for the last few days and am super depressed about it.

 

[birdup]

Trigeminal Neuralgia – Causes, Symptoms and Treatments

www.aans.org

Trigeminal neuralgia (TN), also known as tic douloureux, is sometimes described as the most excruciating pain known to humanity. The pain typically involves the lower face and jaw, although sometimes it affects the area around the nose and above the eye.

Today I have been seriously considering botox to stop my face from moving. Every time I say a word, the muscles in my face are in agony. I've been trying to distract myself, but I got into a domestic argument before and now it's really flaring up.

Trigeminal can be triggered by any sensation to the face/head. When it is already in full swing, you need to stop moving your face... or else. I like to talk. I am not good at not moving my face. Needless to say, I don't like this condition.

 

[birdup]

Do you do a 12 step thing? How do you maintain your sobriety?

Honestly, I just cannot bear my conscience beating down on me any more because I am a father. It used to hurt to be a son and a disappointment, but that is nothing in comparison to being a father and a disappointment. Children are innocent. We are all born into this world as perfect beings.

I know - deep in my heart - that I need to massively cut down my drug consumption for the sake of my daughter and - fingers crossed - her siblings.

I am no longer just gambling my own future; I am also gambling theirs.

(What I just explained is a terrible reason to have children and was in-no-way pinnacle to my motivation to procreate; I highly recommend parenthood, but not for this reason.)

 

[Blankenstein]

Trigeminal Neuralgia – Causes, Symptoms and Treatments

www.aans.org

Today I have been seriously considering botox to stop my face from moving. Every time I say a word, the muscles in my face are in agony. I've been trying to distract myself, but I got into a domestic argument before and now it's really flaring up.

Trigeminal can be triggered by any sensation to the face/head. When it is already in full swing, you need to stop moving your face... or else. I like to talk. I am not good at not moving my face. Needless to say, I don't like this condition.

So sorry to hear that…

just started reading about it. Sounds horrible.

do the most commonly prescribed medications for the conditions offer any relief?

I saw that gabapentin and pregabalin are prescribed for the condition. I think you said you are trying to not use heroin/maintain sobriety do you steer clear of any thing that has abuse potential.

does diet change make any difference in your case.

sorry not trying to act like I know anything as I just read about it and you have lived with the condition. Just trying to offer support to you.

 

[Blankenstein]

Honestly, I just cannot bear my conscience beating down on me any more because I am a father. It used to hurt to be a son and a disappointment, but that is nothing in comparison to being a father and a disappointment. Children are innocent. We are all born into this world as perfect beings.

I know - deep in my heart - that I need to massively cut down my drug consumption for the sake of my daughter and - fingers crossed - her siblings.

I am no longer just gambling my own future; I am also gambling theirs.

(What I just explained is a terrible reason to have children and was in-no-way pinnacle to my motivation to procreate; I highly recommend parenthood, but not for this reason.)

fight addiction so you can be there for your children, but also for yourself. You deserve it.

 

[birdup]

Sounds horrible.

Yeah. It doesn't happen that often. People have a tendency to kill themselves when it gets really frequent. Bad episodes are like half a dozen a year, but it is increasing. it will always get worse. I can deal with it at the moment. This is just a bad day. I work with people who only have bad days, so that helps. Things aren't so bad.

I am fortunate in many ways.
I appreciate your kind words.

EDIT

does diet change make any difference in your case.

Definitely. Diet (including water) is everything and I neglect the fuck out of it, sometimes. I was in the best shape of my life two years ago and I was super positive and productive, then COVID came along and the gyms shut down and I wasn't allowed to leave the house for months. Now, I'm fat and miserable. I'm not 300 pounds. I have a little gut and some middle aged man-boobs are starting to form. I've lost a lot of confidence and my health has gotten much worse. I also have a sliding hiatus hernia (not an umby) that gets much worse the fatter I get... It's scary because I was always slim and fit and good looking.

I'm also going bald pretty rapidly, but at least my brothers lost their hair long ago. That makes it easier. I'm good looking enough (I think) to pull of being a sexy older bald guy, but not if I'm fat. I don't want to be Homer Simpson.