Me: Late forties, male, married, 160 lbs, little drug experience beyond alcohol and occasional marijuana, and psilocybin mushrooms a couple of times 15 years ago. I had a bad reaction to the mushrooms which had scared me off anything stronger than marijuana since then. But I’ve had a lifelong fascination with altered consciousness, and a growing fascination with MDMA in particular as I’ve read more about it. I’ve wanted to do this for a long time.
My friend: Similar age, weight, and sex, but very experienced with MDMA and several other drugs. We’ve been good friends for over twenty years- in fact my interest in MDMA dates from reading his account of his first experience with the drug two decades ago. Better late than never…
T-0:45. My friend picks me up at work. I’m feeling excited but very nervous because of my mushroom experience- what if I have another bad reaction? I’m also feeling surreptitious because my wife, being nervous on my behalf for similar reasons, knows of my interest in MDMA but doesn’t want to know in advance when I’m going to do it. Today she thinks I’m having a regular day at work.
T+0:00. We park at a mountain trailhead, and I’m already feeling more relaxed for some reason. We split a ~100 mg gelcap (known to be good quality MDMA) in the car, dissolving the powder in water. My friend recommends doing a half dose and following it with another half dose an hour or so later, to smooth out the sometimes disorienting onset, and I want to go slowly just to be cautious, after my psilocybin experience. I expected a “will-I-or-won’t-I” moment of indecision but no, I follow my friend’s lead and simply drink down the contents of my paper cup without hesitation.
We head up the trail, and I feel increasingly relaxed and happy. It’s too early for this to be an effect of the drug- I’m simply in a beautiful place on a beautiful sunny day, and I have the undivided company of one of my best friends- his presence and experience is reassuring and my remaining nervousness is rapidly evaporating. Easy conversation about “real” topics as we walk.
T+0:20. We find a shady spot off the trail and sit down, and continue our comfortable conversation, about the state of our respective marriages (mostly very good), getting older, our friendship, and other random but interesting topics. I’m watching for signs of the drug but not feeling more than a slight hint, and I know it’s too early to feel much. After a while, I think maybe I feel some subtle electrical sensations on my skin, but maybe I’m imagining it.
T+0:45. My friend is starting to feel the familiar effects. He rubs his hands together and says that it feels good- I do the same and it feels pretty normal. But I continue to be very happy and relaxed. My relaxation is surprising in retrospect- here I am on the threshold of something I’ve looked forward to for years, and I feel serene.
T+1:00. I say “I’m having a delightful time, but I’m not feeling much from the drug”. I suppose that in reality my delight was partly due to the drug taking effect, but this sure wasn’t obvious to me at the time. Anyway, we split another 100 mg gelcap. My friend wants to continue up the trail, so off we go.
T+1:30. After another mile or so we’re in a shady canyon where we find an inviting slab of rock just below the trail, and settle down there. I’m *very* happy at this point, but not otherwise feeling altered. It seems like a completely natural happiness. We lie down on the rock and after a short while I take his hand- this also feels very natural. I’m affectionate by nature and I have no hang-ups about same-sex touching, but don’t often feel comfortable about physically expressing my affection for my friends (of either sex) as much as I’d like- it’s too hard for me figure out whether they are comfortable with it. The rare occasions where I’ve been able to express my affection to the full have always been golden moments for me. So this is a golden moment too.
T+1:45. (maybe- who cares anymore. My friend makes me take off my watch eventually- I think he thinks I’m treating this too much as an experiment. This is true, but I’m having a hell of a good time too). I get up briefly to see how I’m feeling and I definitely have a pleasant spacey, altered, sensation now, but it’s fairly subtle. We listen to some music on headphones- trancy electronica (William Orbit) which fits the mood nicely. I had expected music to sound different, more amazing, than usual, but it’s simply pleasant. Still, as sometimes with marijuana, maybe I can focus on the nuances of the music better than usual. We continue to touch- we progress easily from hand-holding to cuddling, then backrubs (off with our shirts) and head rubs and face caresses. It all feels delightful but the delight is more mental (this wonderful freedom to fully express my affection!) than an enhanced physical sensation. I do find the fuzzy texture of my friend’s body and the bristly texture of his unshaven chin fascinating, so different from my wife’s smooth skin, but the fascination is mostly because it’s a new sensation- I never touch guys in this way. I kiss him on the hand, knee, shoulder, forehead, and once (very chastely) on the lips, just because I can. It’s mostly simple affection, though his caressing of my face (butterfly touches on my eyelids) as I lean against him feels surprisingly sexy for a moment, and I tell him so- I have no inhibitions about saying anything at all. I feel great love for him, probably more than usual, and tell him that too, but my feelings don’t seem unusual at the time- only the freedom to express them feels different.
Such intense physical affection between essentially straight guys seems remarkable when I write it down, as though the drug is having a powerful effect. But mostly these are things I’d like to do in any case, given my affectionate nature and the warmth of my feelings for my friend. The drug just says “relax, it’s OK, if you want to do this, you can do it. If you want to say this, you can say it”.
Time passes delightfully. Sometimes we cuddle, sometimes we sit or lie apart. Once, I stand on the edge of the rock and spread my arms to embrace the afternoon. There’s comfortable conversation about what we are experiencing, comfortable silences, and music when we feel like it, as we watch the shadows change on the rocks. My friend points out a tree swaying very slightly in the breeze and we watch it for a while- it’s fascinating and beautiful without seeming unusual in any identifiable way. I’ve brought a camera and notepad but feel no desire to record anything. I’m interested in what I don’t feel: my body feels relaxed, pretty normal really, no physical euphoria. I have no jaw clenching or other tension, no eye wiggles. I’ve brought a mirror along and check out my reflection- I look simply happy. My pupils aren’t obviously dilated (maybe because we’re outdoors on a bright afternoon). The canyon looks beautiful, but how could it not in this lovely afternoon light?
T+4:30. (maybe). I sit up and say “I feel normal again”, though there’s no dramatic change. Maybe I’ve been “normal” for a while, maybe I won’t be “normal” for a while yet. In any case, there’s no disappointment- I’m still in this wonderful place with my dear friend. We continue to hug a while longer and it feels as good as before. But then I’m ready to move on, and we pack up and hit the trail once more, hiking further up the canyon and continuing to chat- we talk about our reactions to deaths in our families, whether the human race is a good thing (this afternoon I’m inclined to think so), and so on. It’s a seamless transition into a regular afternoon hike. Eventually we turn around and head back, stopping for another cuddly hug as we return past the rock slab where we’d spent the afternoon.
T+6:45. We’re back at the car and begin the drive home. The evening light looks stunning, probably just because it really is stunning. Back home, we surprise my wife with the news of how we spent the day- she’s very happy to hear that I had a great time, and (of course) that I survived the experience with no ill effects. After a while my friend heads home, and I nibble on a salad (I still have very little appetite), and tell my wife all about the day.
I don’t sleep well that night, but that’s not unusual, and I wake up in the morning reasonably refreshed with no trace of a hangover. The main after-effect the next day is a tendency to stare out the window with a smile on my face, remembering everything. I have lunch with my friend and feel comfortable with him, though we are quiet- I notice that some of my usual inhibitions are back in place.
What strikes me about the experience, compared to many others that I’ve read about, is that it was both very subtle and entirely delightful. The drug definitely affected me- I wouldn’t normally be so uninhibited, physically or verbally, and my love for my friend seemed (in retrospect) stronger than usual, but most of what I felt, including my great happiness, could plausibly be blamed on the perfect setting and company. Most striking about the drug’s effects was that they were seamless- there was no moment of thinking “OK, now I’m high”. I simply became a happier, less inhibited, and more loving version of myself, and hardly noticed the change. But I liked being that person.
I’m not disappointed that the experience wasn’t more intense, though I’m intrigued- I’d expected 100 mg of good-quality MDMA to have a stronger effect on a medium-weight neophyte. I’ve read that pure MDMA powder gives a more subtle, “cleaner”, experience than most pills (though I don’t understand why), so maybe that’s the difference- this was definitely subtle and clean. Or maybe the MDMA content of the capsules was less than I thought. Or maybe my expectations were simply too high- my friend’s experience was similar to mine, though maybe with somewhat stronger physical effects, and he thought his experience was pretty typical.
In any case, it was a wonderful time- a perfect drug for me. I hope to try it again before too long.
My friend: Similar age, weight, and sex, but very experienced with MDMA and several other drugs. We’ve been good friends for over twenty years- in fact my interest in MDMA dates from reading his account of his first experience with the drug two decades ago. Better late than never…
T-0:45. My friend picks me up at work. I’m feeling excited but very nervous because of my mushroom experience- what if I have another bad reaction? I’m also feeling surreptitious because my wife, being nervous on my behalf for similar reasons, knows of my interest in MDMA but doesn’t want to know in advance when I’m going to do it. Today she thinks I’m having a regular day at work.
T+0:00. We park at a mountain trailhead, and I’m already feeling more relaxed for some reason. We split a ~100 mg gelcap (known to be good quality MDMA) in the car, dissolving the powder in water. My friend recommends doing a half dose and following it with another half dose an hour or so later, to smooth out the sometimes disorienting onset, and I want to go slowly just to be cautious, after my psilocybin experience. I expected a “will-I-or-won’t-I” moment of indecision but no, I follow my friend’s lead and simply drink down the contents of my paper cup without hesitation.
We head up the trail, and I feel increasingly relaxed and happy. It’s too early for this to be an effect of the drug- I’m simply in a beautiful place on a beautiful sunny day, and I have the undivided company of one of my best friends- his presence and experience is reassuring and my remaining nervousness is rapidly evaporating. Easy conversation about “real” topics as we walk.
T+0:20. We find a shady spot off the trail and sit down, and continue our comfortable conversation, about the state of our respective marriages (mostly very good), getting older, our friendship, and other random but interesting topics. I’m watching for signs of the drug but not feeling more than a slight hint, and I know it’s too early to feel much. After a while, I think maybe I feel some subtle electrical sensations on my skin, but maybe I’m imagining it.
T+0:45. My friend is starting to feel the familiar effects. He rubs his hands together and says that it feels good- I do the same and it feels pretty normal. But I continue to be very happy and relaxed. My relaxation is surprising in retrospect- here I am on the threshold of something I’ve looked forward to for years, and I feel serene.
T+1:00. I say “I’m having a delightful time, but I’m not feeling much from the drug”. I suppose that in reality my delight was partly due to the drug taking effect, but this sure wasn’t obvious to me at the time. Anyway, we split another 100 mg gelcap. My friend wants to continue up the trail, so off we go.
T+1:30. After another mile or so we’re in a shady canyon where we find an inviting slab of rock just below the trail, and settle down there. I’m *very* happy at this point, but not otherwise feeling altered. It seems like a completely natural happiness. We lie down on the rock and after a short while I take his hand- this also feels very natural. I’m affectionate by nature and I have no hang-ups about same-sex touching, but don’t often feel comfortable about physically expressing my affection for my friends (of either sex) as much as I’d like- it’s too hard for me figure out whether they are comfortable with it. The rare occasions where I’ve been able to express my affection to the full have always been golden moments for me. So this is a golden moment too.
T+1:45. (maybe- who cares anymore. My friend makes me take off my watch eventually- I think he thinks I’m treating this too much as an experiment. This is true, but I’m having a hell of a good time too). I get up briefly to see how I’m feeling and I definitely have a pleasant spacey, altered, sensation now, but it’s fairly subtle. We listen to some music on headphones- trancy electronica (William Orbit) which fits the mood nicely. I had expected music to sound different, more amazing, than usual, but it’s simply pleasant. Still, as sometimes with marijuana, maybe I can focus on the nuances of the music better than usual. We continue to touch- we progress easily from hand-holding to cuddling, then backrubs (off with our shirts) and head rubs and face caresses. It all feels delightful but the delight is more mental (this wonderful freedom to fully express my affection!) than an enhanced physical sensation. I do find the fuzzy texture of my friend’s body and the bristly texture of his unshaven chin fascinating, so different from my wife’s smooth skin, but the fascination is mostly because it’s a new sensation- I never touch guys in this way. I kiss him on the hand, knee, shoulder, forehead, and once (very chastely) on the lips, just because I can. It’s mostly simple affection, though his caressing of my face (butterfly touches on my eyelids) as I lean against him feels surprisingly sexy for a moment, and I tell him so- I have no inhibitions about saying anything at all. I feel great love for him, probably more than usual, and tell him that too, but my feelings don’t seem unusual at the time- only the freedom to express them feels different.
Such intense physical affection between essentially straight guys seems remarkable when I write it down, as though the drug is having a powerful effect. But mostly these are things I’d like to do in any case, given my affectionate nature and the warmth of my feelings for my friend. The drug just says “relax, it’s OK, if you want to do this, you can do it. If you want to say this, you can say it”.
Time passes delightfully. Sometimes we cuddle, sometimes we sit or lie apart. Once, I stand on the edge of the rock and spread my arms to embrace the afternoon. There’s comfortable conversation about what we are experiencing, comfortable silences, and music when we feel like it, as we watch the shadows change on the rocks. My friend points out a tree swaying very slightly in the breeze and we watch it for a while- it’s fascinating and beautiful without seeming unusual in any identifiable way. I’ve brought a camera and notepad but feel no desire to record anything. I’m interested in what I don’t feel: my body feels relaxed, pretty normal really, no physical euphoria. I have no jaw clenching or other tension, no eye wiggles. I’ve brought a mirror along and check out my reflection- I look simply happy. My pupils aren’t obviously dilated (maybe because we’re outdoors on a bright afternoon). The canyon looks beautiful, but how could it not in this lovely afternoon light?
T+4:30. (maybe). I sit up and say “I feel normal again”, though there’s no dramatic change. Maybe I’ve been “normal” for a while, maybe I won’t be “normal” for a while yet. In any case, there’s no disappointment- I’m still in this wonderful place with my dear friend. We continue to hug a while longer and it feels as good as before. But then I’m ready to move on, and we pack up and hit the trail once more, hiking further up the canyon and continuing to chat- we talk about our reactions to deaths in our families, whether the human race is a good thing (this afternoon I’m inclined to think so), and so on. It’s a seamless transition into a regular afternoon hike. Eventually we turn around and head back, stopping for another cuddly hug as we return past the rock slab where we’d spent the afternoon.
T+6:45. We’re back at the car and begin the drive home. The evening light looks stunning, probably just because it really is stunning. Back home, we surprise my wife with the news of how we spent the day- she’s very happy to hear that I had a great time, and (of course) that I survived the experience with no ill effects. After a while my friend heads home, and I nibble on a salad (I still have very little appetite), and tell my wife all about the day.
I don’t sleep well that night, but that’s not unusual, and I wake up in the morning reasonably refreshed with no trace of a hangover. The main after-effect the next day is a tendency to stare out the window with a smile on my face, remembering everything. I have lunch with my friend and feel comfortable with him, though we are quiet- I notice that some of my usual inhibitions are back in place.
What strikes me about the experience, compared to many others that I’ve read about, is that it was both very subtle and entirely delightful. The drug definitely affected me- I wouldn’t normally be so uninhibited, physically or verbally, and my love for my friend seemed (in retrospect) stronger than usual, but most of what I felt, including my great happiness, could plausibly be blamed on the perfect setting and company. Most striking about the drug’s effects was that they were seamless- there was no moment of thinking “OK, now I’m high”. I simply became a happier, less inhibited, and more loving version of myself, and hardly noticed the change. But I liked being that person.
I’m not disappointed that the experience wasn’t more intense, though I’m intrigued- I’d expected 100 mg of good-quality MDMA to have a stronger effect on a medium-weight neophyte. I’ve read that pure MDMA powder gives a more subtle, “cleaner”, experience than most pills (though I don’t understand why), so maybe that’s the difference- this was definitely subtle and clean. Or maybe the MDMA content of the capsules was less than I thought. Or maybe my expectations were simply too high- my friend’s experience was similar to mine, though maybe with somewhat stronger physical effects, and he thought his experience was pretty typical.
In any case, it was a wonderful time- a perfect drug for me. I hope to try it again before too long.
