Catch-22
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Mar 16, 2001
- Messages
- 4,518
The first step in harm reduction is asking, “Why do I want to use this drug?” The second step is much harder: It’s answering that question honestly. Some people use drugs for fun and pleasure. For others, drugs present a spiritual journey. Many don’t really know why they use drugs, or they never considered the question. In my opinion, this last group presents the greatest risk of harm to themselves.
Before I start to sound preachy and pious, I have to admit that I spent quite a few years firmly entrenched in this last category. I was less then ten years old when drugs were first introduced to me, and I did them mostly because they were there. After all, my older brother did them too. It was usually fun and pleasurable, but I continued to do them even when it wasn’t. I never really gave it any thought. It just seemed obvious. Drugs were “the thing to do”.
For much of my life, it was hard to imagine living without drugs. To be quite honest, the thought actually frightened me a great deal. It took me a long time to come to grips with this. In fact, I wasn’t aware that I even had this fear until later in my adult life. But in hindsight, this fear was always there. It was especially strong when that bag of weed dwindled to just a few bong hits, and it always drove me to go find the next bag of weed… whereupon it seemed to subside, at least temporarily. If you’ve ever experienced this end-of-the-bag sort of feeling, then you know exactly what I’m talking about.
What was the real source of the anxiety? I was afraid of what life would be like without drugs. After all, drugs made life exciting. They made me feel quite “special”, and much more sophisticated than all the “normal” kids. However, I was also afraid that without drugs, life would be painfully boring. This fear was an unfounded one, as it turns out. In my mid-thirties, I’ve largely quit using drugs altogether. After more than twenty years of heavy drinking and drug use, I simply quit cold turkey.
For the past several years, my only drug use has involved the ritual use of entheogens, three or four times a year at most. That’s it! And amazingly, the world is more exciting than ever. While my career and life circumstances have put me under greater pressure and responsibility, I’m actually more satisfied, peaceful and content than I’ve ever been! In retrospect, it seems downright absurd that I was ever afraid to quit. And in fact, after two decades of dope smoking, I’ve actually come to the conclusion that I never really liked being stoned! It usually made me feel paranoid, and it was extraordinarily difficult to focus mentally. The main reason I kept smoking dope was that I was afraid to stop!!
So why did I ever start using drugs at all? Simply because they were offered to me, and I never stopped to ask “why”. If I had first asked myself “why should I use this drug”, I might have saved myself a great deal of money and time, because quite frankly, I can think of very few good reasons for drug use as a young person. Now, once you ask yourself that question, “Why am I using this drug?”, you need to be able to answer it honestly.
Let’s say you do it for fun. Is that really true? How often are you drinking so much that you regret it? Is it really fun to vomit or to suffer through a hangover? If this is happening to you regularly, you’re probably not really drinking for fun. You’re drinking to escape, or for some other reason, and you need to reassess your motives.
Do you do drugs for spiritual reasons? If the answer is “yes”, then ask yourself how spiritual you are when you’re not using drugs. If your motives are genuinely spiritual, you won’t confine spirituality to your drug use. If you frequently find yourself acting like an asshole when you’re sober, or you never think about spiritual matters when you’re not high, you ought to wonder why you’re really using drugs.
If you’re doing a drug simply because “it’s there”, you should also stop and wonder about yourself. Drugs are not mountains to be climbed. I hear a lot of people say they like to experience altered states just to see what it’s like, but I wonder if this makes sense. A lot of these people are reacting to a deep inner curiosity and desire for altered states. If that desire really stems from escapism, that’s a problem. So if your normal life is full of pain and problems, you should be very suspicious of yourself.
If it is genuinely a matter of curiosity, maybe that is OK, but then you need to assess how much it is costing you. Curiosity can be expensive, as many dead cats know. When it comes to the more dangerous drugs, curiosity simply isn’t worth it. If you find yourself doing them anyway, you probably have a hidden motive somewhere (see escapism). You might also ask whether your friends’ use of these drugs is putting pressure on you to do them, even subconsciously.
If you have a hard time using moderation, you need to be particularly skeptical about your motives. For example, excessive drug use is not conducive to spirituality, in my experience. Excessive drug use is also going way beyond curiosity. After all, you already know what it feels like, so why don’t you stop now? And while some may think excessive drug use is fun, it isn’t fun forever.
No matter what you think your motives are, I encourage you to periodically abstain from all drugs for some period of time, even if it is only for a few days. This will keep you honest, because if your real motives are actually unhealthy ones, the delusional nature of your rationalizations will become obvious. For example, anyone who says they do drugs for spiritual reasons should have no problem going without drugs for some time. If they can’t, they’re fooling themselves.
Also, if you have a good friend who has known you for some time, ask them why they think you use drugs. Sometimes others can see things about us that we can’t, especially in the fog of unhealthy drug use. I encourage you to take this process seriously. If you must, sit down with a piece of paper and a pen, write down each drug you do, and then write down the reasons why you do each drug. Put some thought into it and search your soul as best you can. You might be surprised at what you learn about yourself.
Before I start to sound preachy and pious, I have to admit that I spent quite a few years firmly entrenched in this last category. I was less then ten years old when drugs were first introduced to me, and I did them mostly because they were there. After all, my older brother did them too. It was usually fun and pleasurable, but I continued to do them even when it wasn’t. I never really gave it any thought. It just seemed obvious. Drugs were “the thing to do”.
For much of my life, it was hard to imagine living without drugs. To be quite honest, the thought actually frightened me a great deal. It took me a long time to come to grips with this. In fact, I wasn’t aware that I even had this fear until later in my adult life. But in hindsight, this fear was always there. It was especially strong when that bag of weed dwindled to just a few bong hits, and it always drove me to go find the next bag of weed… whereupon it seemed to subside, at least temporarily. If you’ve ever experienced this end-of-the-bag sort of feeling, then you know exactly what I’m talking about.
What was the real source of the anxiety? I was afraid of what life would be like without drugs. After all, drugs made life exciting. They made me feel quite “special”, and much more sophisticated than all the “normal” kids. However, I was also afraid that without drugs, life would be painfully boring. This fear was an unfounded one, as it turns out. In my mid-thirties, I’ve largely quit using drugs altogether. After more than twenty years of heavy drinking and drug use, I simply quit cold turkey.
For the past several years, my only drug use has involved the ritual use of entheogens, three or four times a year at most. That’s it! And amazingly, the world is more exciting than ever. While my career and life circumstances have put me under greater pressure and responsibility, I’m actually more satisfied, peaceful and content than I’ve ever been! In retrospect, it seems downright absurd that I was ever afraid to quit. And in fact, after two decades of dope smoking, I’ve actually come to the conclusion that I never really liked being stoned! It usually made me feel paranoid, and it was extraordinarily difficult to focus mentally. The main reason I kept smoking dope was that I was afraid to stop!!
So why did I ever start using drugs at all? Simply because they were offered to me, and I never stopped to ask “why”. If I had first asked myself “why should I use this drug”, I might have saved myself a great deal of money and time, because quite frankly, I can think of very few good reasons for drug use as a young person. Now, once you ask yourself that question, “Why am I using this drug?”, you need to be able to answer it honestly.
Let’s say you do it for fun. Is that really true? How often are you drinking so much that you regret it? Is it really fun to vomit or to suffer through a hangover? If this is happening to you regularly, you’re probably not really drinking for fun. You’re drinking to escape, or for some other reason, and you need to reassess your motives.
Do you do drugs for spiritual reasons? If the answer is “yes”, then ask yourself how spiritual you are when you’re not using drugs. If your motives are genuinely spiritual, you won’t confine spirituality to your drug use. If you frequently find yourself acting like an asshole when you’re sober, or you never think about spiritual matters when you’re not high, you ought to wonder why you’re really using drugs.
If you’re doing a drug simply because “it’s there”, you should also stop and wonder about yourself. Drugs are not mountains to be climbed. I hear a lot of people say they like to experience altered states just to see what it’s like, but I wonder if this makes sense. A lot of these people are reacting to a deep inner curiosity and desire for altered states. If that desire really stems from escapism, that’s a problem. So if your normal life is full of pain and problems, you should be very suspicious of yourself.
If it is genuinely a matter of curiosity, maybe that is OK, but then you need to assess how much it is costing you. Curiosity can be expensive, as many dead cats know. When it comes to the more dangerous drugs, curiosity simply isn’t worth it. If you find yourself doing them anyway, you probably have a hidden motive somewhere (see escapism). You might also ask whether your friends’ use of these drugs is putting pressure on you to do them, even subconsciously.
If you have a hard time using moderation, you need to be particularly skeptical about your motives. For example, excessive drug use is not conducive to spirituality, in my experience. Excessive drug use is also going way beyond curiosity. After all, you already know what it feels like, so why don’t you stop now? And while some may think excessive drug use is fun, it isn’t fun forever.
No matter what you think your motives are, I encourage you to periodically abstain from all drugs for some period of time, even if it is only for a few days. This will keep you honest, because if your real motives are actually unhealthy ones, the delusional nature of your rationalizations will become obvious. For example, anyone who says they do drugs for spiritual reasons should have no problem going without drugs for some time. If they can’t, they’re fooling themselves.
Also, if you have a good friend who has known you for some time, ask them why they think you use drugs. Sometimes others can see things about us that we can’t, especially in the fog of unhealthy drug use. I encourage you to take this process seriously. If you must, sit down with a piece of paper and a pen, write down each drug you do, and then write down the reasons why you do each drug. Put some thought into it and search your soul as best you can. You might be surprised at what you learn about yourself.
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
