Thank you for taking the time to reply man. I.m not trying to leave anything out. Here is the situation. Both my parents died of lung disease before they were 60. I started smoking young and I worked fabricating big bridge steel. between the genetic disposition and the very dirty Steele environment my lungs never had a chance. copd was already starting to take hold when i was 24. I think there was probably some environmental affect that damaged all 3 of us at some point but who knows. Anyway I've suffered from minor bipolar like my mom and pretty much used marijuana as my mental health medication. I,ve smoked pot from the time I woke up till i went to sleep since i was 16. It never effected my performance at work or anything. stoned was my normal. if i wasn't high i wasn't me. theres been some points in my life where a abused things pretty bad. crack meth alcohol acid and so on but if things started getting to far outta hand I always stopped. at least for a while. anyway I never could understand people with severe mental disorders. i meen i knew it was real to them but i just couldn't imagine it till the day my buddy gave me a couple zoloft saying they were like valium. I had never had any kind of bad reaction to a drug before butt hows 2 Zoloft obviously did not jive with what ever minor chemical imbalance i inherted from my mother because right away i was super anxiuse having panic attack. I had no idea what it was id never felt it before. I even went to the er. They were very confused obviously because a couple zoloft wouldnt normaly affect someone like that but it did. I couldnt work for over 2 weeks. id make my girlfriend drive me to the hospital 3 towns away and just circle it cause i felt like i was dying and i wanted to be close. After the pandora was out of the box. my mental health was an on of issue for the rest of my life. Im a long haired hippie drug user. no doctor but one nice lady doctor i met here in michigan one time has been willing to even listen to my symptoms. They see me with my long hair and marijuana use they just think I'm a drugseeker no matter how I try to explain the severity of my symtoms. I couldnt take it anymore one morning in texas, Id been up for three days miserable so i went into the er to try to get help. The old doctor I saw was friggin brutal. telling me I came to the wrong place to try to get druggs and a bunch of mean stuff i really didnt need to be hearing when i was allready at the end of my rope. but it is what it is. about 6 month later we moved to michigan. allmost rite away i went to mental health to try to get help. I actually spoke to the phychiatrist in charge of the local branch. I sitting there trying to explain to him the severity of what I.m experencing and the affect its having on my life and the people around me, and he just keeps saying well thats normal, lots of people feel that way. he even told me not sleeping for ofver three days was normal and lots of people diud that all the time. I was there seeking help because i was becoming suicidal and i had allready basicly told him that. He asked me if i had a plan because if i did he would have to put me on a watch. which i understood how that worked and obviously said no. which im sure he new i would. Then he basicly said id be fine and if i was going to end it i should go to the hospital first. and that was that. to this day i dont understand what he was doing by all that, I can usually understand a persons motivations, opinions, desired outcome, and stuff but what hed did that day still makes no sence. obviously he new that thows were some obvious indicators of mental distress. I dont think he thought I was faking. maybe he did but it dosnt seem that way. I'll never understand that one. The next time i tried to reach out for help it was to this arragont closeminded friggin lung doctor i had. I started to try to to tell him how bad my anxiety and panic were affecting my life and as soon as he understood what i was beginning to tell him he literally stood up and as he was walking out of the room he said "oh no, your on enough drugs" This was because i had been prescribed my medical marijuana by another doctor and he disaproved. I realize that he may have had a write to feel that way from his point of view. but in reality marijuana was the only thing keeping me from completely deterioting. if i didnt smoke i would have completly irrational mood swings with intense anger and things like that then if i got to smoke i would instantly feel like a complete ass for the way i had been acting. hats just one example. i was not myself without it and that combined with what i was going through with my mental state quitting weed would not have been beneficial believe me. If your wondering whatthe benefits of getting off the weed would be in the long run, I've done it twice once for 8 months and once for 1 both times with negative side affects that got better when i started again. Anyway I,ve tried to discuss my mental state with a couple doctors since but because I,m a medical marijuana user (yes prescribed by a doctor even i would have anyway) and because its in my medical history that ive used drugs over the years they refuse to even discuss any typ af controlled substance as an option. even though ive never used any pharmaceutical drug recreational in my life. have never had any kind of addiction crissis. and I literally will be hospitalized in less than a year because of my emphezema. (I cant even shower without help. i lose my breath so bad i will pass out) Ive supposed to have ben on oxygen for the last year, im just putting it of as long as possible. so obviously any long term side affects really aren't a factor, not that they probably would anyway I stopped doing meth after doing it every day for 9 months and didn't really even crave. I realize it could be different with benzos but if crack couldn't grab me i doubt it. but its a none issue anyway I will be hospitalized soon. As far as what i'm currently experiencing you should know I have my girlfriend of 20 years with me here and everything fine im not dangerous just completely frigging miserable. I sleep pretty much 6-8 hours every 2 or three days (after taking 4 over the counter sleeping pills and allmost half a bottle of nyquil, even that dosnt knock me out but it's enough after afew days without sleep that i eventually get some) i dont feel drowsy at all i can lie in the dark for hours just with my mind playing back every little interaction it can remember every thing ive ever done wrong, every thing bad thats happened. the bad things that are about to happen, (emphezema is not a pretty or fast death) you get the idea. I moan my body spasms i yell out loud at bad thoughts. it sucks.
Any way man I appreciate you taking the time to show your concern I really do. I was online trying to find some sort of option when i found this board and thought maybe someone might have some advice. i cant really imagine what but defiantly worth trying at-least. It kinda feels good just writing it down. I.m really bummed Im going so early and Im going to miss so much stuff but I,ve had along time to come to grips with that. I just hate that what time i do have to enjoy here is being wasted to this friiging anxiety. I know anxiety meds would miraculously cure me or anything but i think the might at least make it so i could go outside or talk to my friends and family. I know its pretty much my choices in life that brought all this on but that dosn't make it suck any less.
Thanks again for your reply man, I'm making a appointment with a new pulmonary specialist tomorrow. Maybe when I see him he will have some pity on me and break there no controlled substance rule. Highly unlikely but you never know.
Thanks again
I'm quite sure no one thought anything of you giving your opinion to them, and they probably even appreciated it. You know, when I joined Bluelight, I was at a place where with some of the stuff going on in my life, I couldn't really talk to anyone in my life about it, and it was awful. I started talking to people here about it and it helped me so much to be able to communicate with like-minded people. It's easier than talking to people in real life, too, because they're not right in front of you. It may be difficult for you, but keep trying, you may find it to be a very healthy thing for you. Just know that no one is judging you here... you're judging yourself based on how you expect others are judging you. We'd love to hear what you have to say about things. 