Give a nobody an iota of power and they?ll run with it. Bit like getting ID?d in Tesco and not having your ID on you, they get some kind of smug satisfaction from it.
Bit like working at McDonald?s I?d say.
People know I have removed posts in the recent past, something that I have only made a habit of in order to diffuse conversations which were dragging a number of members seriously close to infractions. While I understand how frustrating this has been and know that I deserve the comments made here, I have to use this opportunity to at least address this issue regarding my motivations and that of most other moderators who I have seen work.
Yes I am nobody thanks to my poor choices over the years but the respect and responsibilities I used to have were earned through my personal and professional life. Power is not something I want or have ever had over other people and on the occasions where I have had to use my position to restrict somebodies liberty, such as preventing someone from leaving a hospital and / or forcing drugs upon someone is never desirable. I have had team management roles in my last 2 jobs, firstly as a Charge Nurse running hospital wards on a per shift basis and following my first recovery, as the assistant manager of a care home. I never had and so never felt any power over anyone either my care or professional supervision, only responsibility. Of course this is something I largely lost after becoming first addicted to heroin, with the remaining respect anayone ever had for me going out of the window following my relapse.
I have now been out of work for the longest period on my life (6 years) and along with my addictions have never been more useless or unnecessary, something which has been common knowledge on here since I started my second account in 2013. While I feel comfortable sharing this on here I am in no position to think that I have earned any respect for making some of the poorest choices possible and volunteering to be a moderator, particularly one who is finally getting the notion from members that he is unfit for the role, is not something that I ever thought would elevate my 'status' in any fashion - I have no status and have not for a long time.
All I want is to see the small amount of life that has returned to this board spend more time having positive discussions than negative ones. I do not relish intervening with other members, not only do I gain no satisfaction but I actively dislike issuing infractions and such. While I have my own personal investment in Bluelights success, its still only an informal membership and anyone who feels a sense of power due to their actions needs to get some perspective - most infractions I issue involve NASADD and the amount of members who join to source, but despite having the ability to instantly temp ban new members it does not serve anything more than keeping drug dealing off the board - almost all the members I have had to kick off obviously do not care less, they are just desperate for drugs and could not care less about being kicked off by some nobody or their reasons, as they never return even once the acct. restriction is lifted having no further use for or interest in Bluelight.
I took this role on due to it being one of the few opportunities I have had since becoming employed that I have an interest in and while I may be awful at what I do I still do not regret it as it has been the final thing left that keeps me connected to the world. While I would prefer to continue I have the forums interest at heart first and foremost and if my stepping down would improve the situation then I will do so.
Ultimately, if I was forced to make a choice, I would rather be physically and psychologically fit to work and would be lucky to get a job at McDonalds than continue to moderate on here. It would give me back more self respect than I have had in years but even if I ever get through a full recovery it is still questionable that any organisation as professional as Maccies would ever employ me. As much as I would hate to give up BL, it is ultimately just a website and how I or anyone else could honestly think that it could ever give me anywhere near as much 'power', responsibility and respect that the most menial of paid work would provide.
