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Getting a new girlfriend while still drinking

Ray Smith

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 10, 2018
Messages
20
So I've met this girl I really like and she likes me back. After a week together she asked me to move in with her. I said yes because I didn't want to seen hesitant. But the thing is I'm a drinker. She knows about it and is ok with it-she's a very non judgemental person which is one of the things I like about her(although she probably thinks I drink less than I actually do). I don't know if this is just me so used to being judged for my drinking(my ex had a lot to do with that) but I'm kinda afraid she won't want to be with me anymore if she finds out I drink 5 or 6L of wine every day. I'm also worried this'll end up being like a few other relationships I've been in with her working all day to pay rent and everything else and me not paying for anything and borrowing betting money from her(and then if I win blowing it all on some crazy bender). But I feel like it can be different this time because I feel like I'm a better and more mature man now. Also she's a bit of a party girl herself(although she mostly just parties on weekends) and as I've said she's a very kind and non judgemental person. I don't want to hurt her but I also don't want to let this opportunity slip. You guys got any advice?
 
Well, to be honest this sounds like a bad idea for a few reasons. First of all, moving in after a week is crazy, you guys don't know each other yet, that's way too fast, IMO. If she wants you to move in that quickly it makes me wonder if she's got some sort of attachment issues or something. Besides that, though, you mention you're afraid you'll end up staying home drinking and she pays for everything and you're borrowing money to go on benders. Do you work now? If so, why do you think that you'll do that?

My advice is to keep seeing this girl but move a lot more slowly, don't live together, and work on your issues. it sounds like you're in danger of your life falling apart, just from reading this post anyway (you mention out of control drinking and gambling). There is help for these issues, if you want to improve your life. Chances are, if you get into a serious relationship without working on these issues first, it's going to be doomed, and the pain from that might cause you to do even more damage to your life. I've seen it happen time and time again.
 
Well, to be honest this sounds like a bad idea for a few reasons. First of all, moving in after a week is crazy, you guys don't know each other yet, that's way too fast, IMO. If she wants you to move in that quickly it makes me wonder if she's got some sort of attachment issues or something. Besides that, though, you mention you're afraid you'll end up staying home drinking and she pays for everything and you're borrowing money to go on benders. Do you work now? If so, why do you think that you'll do that?

My advice is to keep seeing this girl but move a lot more slowly, don't live together, and work on your issues. it sounds like you're in danger of your life falling apart, just from reading this post anyway (you mention out of control drinking and gambling). There is help for these issues, if you want to improve your life. Chances are, if you get into a serious relationship without working on these issues first, it's going to be doomed, and the pain from that might cause you to do even more damage to your life. I've seen it happen time and time again.

Well I think she's just a very decisive person who doesn't hesitate....we have actually got to know each other quite well though, we've been talking almost non stop for the last week...and no, I don't currently work(I also doubt I could now since I tend to get up at noon and drink all day, I actually get nervous and shaky after 3 or 4 hours without a drink)...in fact I've only worked a couple of months in my whole life(I'm 25)...as I've said I'm a betting man and I actually do make a decent amount of money overall but I'm awful with it so when I run out of money I have to borrow it to keep betting and I don't always return it( I owe money to quite a lot of people)...
It's probably good advice to take things slower but aI don't think she'd respond well to that, she's not the kinda girl who has to date a guy for six months before she moves in with him...also I've been kinda lonely and depressed since I broke up with my ex so I don't want to wait...and I really do think she's by far the best girl I've ever had....but I am worried about it disintegrating and maybe even me unwillingly pulling her into addiction together with me and the whole thing ending up completely ruined like all my previous relationship..
 
Ray Smith said:
Well I think she's just a very decisive person who doesn't hesitate....we have actually got to know each other quite well though, we've been talking almost non stop for the last week...and no, I don't currently work(I also doubt I could now since I tend to get up at noon and drink all day, I actually get nervous and shaky after 3 or 4 hours without a drink)...in fact I've only worked a couple of months in my whole life(I'm 25)...as I've said I'm a betting man and I actually do make a decent amount of money overall but I'm awful with it so when I run out of money I have to borrow it to keep betting and I don't always return it( I owe money to quite a lot of people)...
It's probably good advice to take things slower but aI don't think she'd respond well to that, she's not the kinda girl who has to date a guy for six months before she moves in with him...also I've been kinda lonely and depressed since I broke up with my ex so I don't want to wait...and I really do think she's by far the best girl I've ever had....but I am worried about it disintegrating and maybe even me unwillingly pulling her into addiction together with me and the whole thing ending up completely ruined like all my previous relationship..

hello Ray!

i agree wholeheartedly with everything that ShadowM said, it is very realistic advice.

I don’t mean to be combative in any way, but it wouldn’t really matter if you spoke with her (or were otherwise with her) 24 hours a day for the entire week...it’s still only a week. A not insignificant portion of our society is decisive and don’t hesitate when making decisions - I don’t believe that trait would in any way lead to them making a life altering decision to ask their significant other of one week to move in with them. It seems like a boundary issue to me. also, there is a 5 month 3 week difference between 6 months and 1 week - if you think she’s not going to want to wait after six months then I would recommend you cross that bridge when you get to it and not after 10 or 20 days in.

Your physical withdrawal symptoms from alcohol are concerning. You are drinking about a gallon and a half of wine a day If I understand correctly. Are you happy with that or are you wanting that to change? Withdrawals from alcohol can be life threatening - especially at the amount you are drinking. Please don’t try to stop without medical help. If you are interested in quitting and working on this, please let us know what we can do to help. Have you ever been to an AA meetings or sought out any other form of help?

In any case, I would REALLY recommend that you be honest with her about your drinking prior to moving in with her. Moving in with someone who doesn’t know you can’t work because you don’t get up until noon and then you proceed to drink all day...i believe it’s kind of a receipt for a quick break up of the relationship.

All the best, Ray! I hope it works out. Keep us posted either way.

- VE
 
Hey Ray, just read your post and wanted to my 2 cents. So the first thing I could relate to is your comment about thinking you can handle it this time and you are more mature. I have had several relapses, and I swear that was always my thought process; "I am different this time, more responsible - I can prevent it from getting out of control". For me, unfortunately, that was not the case any time. What I have found from my current sobriety is that thought is gone; I KNOW I am more mature and responsible and by knowing this I also know it is a bad idea to even creep down that fine line. A lot of times everything starts good and then maybe I feel compelled to tell a minor, irrelevant white lie and then the snowball gets bigger and bigger from there.

Why not try to get sober and then date her? I bet she'd really like you even more if you did that.
Another thing to think about, this works for me and I mean no offense to you personally at all. I don't know you, your age, preferences or situation so I am not and will not judge you. If you were cruising dating sites as a sober person with all their shit together would you want to date someone without a job or someone who is in the midst of a struggle?

Now I wanted to ask you, why do you need her in your life, especially as a girlfriend? Are you afraid to be single or do you just like being in relationships? Or do you feel like you need to be sexually active?
I mean FOR ME, the only reason I would even want a girlfriend is if I truly, truly felt by being with her she could help me improve myself and she could help me overcome my addiction. If that isn't 100% my angle, then I'm not sure there would be a point of being in a relationship while I am still under the grips of a substance. There are way too many cons than pros. All of that stuff is emotion and your mind playing tricks on you. There is a reason there is a honeymoon phase both in relationships and in a lot of drug addictions.

I wish you luck and only you can make the correct decision because only you know yourself and your situation. I am going to end with a couple of quotes I find relevant to this that were also very profound to my life.

"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a persistent one."

"We experience ourselves our thoughts and feelings as something separate from the rest. A kind of optical delusion of consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us."

- Albert Einstein
 
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hello Ray!

i agree wholeheartedly with everything that ShadowM said, it is very realistic advice.

I don’t mean to be combative in any way, but it wouldn’t really matter if you spoke with her (or were otherwise with her) 24 hours a day for the entire week...it’s still only a week. A not insignificant portion of our society is decisive and don’t hesitate when making decisions - I don’t believe that trait would in any way lead to them making a life altering decision to ask their significant other of one week to move in with them. It seems like a boundary issue to me. also, there is a 5 month 3 week difference between 6 months and 1 week - if you think she’s not going to want to wait after six months then I would recommend you cross that bridge when you get to it and not after 10 or 20 days in.

Your physical withdrawal symptoms from alcohol are concerning. You are drinking about a gallon and a half of wine a day If I understand correctly. Are you happy with that or are you wanting that to change? Withdrawals from alcohol can be life threatening - especially at the amount you are drinking. Please don’t try to stop without medical help. If you are interested in quitting and working on this, please let us know what we can do to help. Have you ever been to an AA meetings or sought out any other form of help?

In any case, I would REALLY recommend that you be honest with her about your drinking prior to moving in with her. Moving in with someone who doesn’t know you can’t work because you don’t get up until noon and then you proceed to drink all day...i believe it’s kind of a receipt for a quick break up of the relationship.

All the best, Ray! I hope it works out. Keep us posted either way.

- VE

Well I guess this kinda thing's never been a big deal for me....ever since I was 18 I've been living with friends and girlfriends...in fact I usually just told my girlfriends to stay at my place as long as they wanted and to bring anything they needed which usually quickly led to them bringing all their stuff over to my place...that changed a bit with my last gf who was a bit more 'mature'(or just a b...h if you ask me) who never ever wanted me to have friends over let alone let them live with me. And no, I don't intend to stop drinking just yet although I have been toying with the idea of bringing my drinking to a more moderate amount of about a gallon of wine a day(I did this for a couple of months last year untill three months ago when I realized everybody still treated me as an alcoholic although I was hardly ever drunk)...and you're right I should tell her about the amount I'm drinking...but I'm scared to do it right now, maybe I should wait another week or two?
Anyway thanks for the advice
 
There's no point in waiting. I will say that you should tell her before you move in with her, if you're still planning to do that (and I maintain that it is not normal to even want to move in after 1 week - it could work out but it's much more likely to be a disaster. Living together makes everything harder emotionally and if you don't even know each well yet and haven't had a chance to really develop a relationship it's very likely to destroy whatever could develop). What if you move in and then tell her and then she finds it unacceptable and wants to break up? Now you have to deal with breaking up while living together. Plus it would be a valid reason for her to be angry with you. Putting it off for a week or two sounds like the way I used to say I was going to tell my ex about the drugs I was hiding from her... and I never did, I actually got good at hiding it for a long time, and then she found out eventually and it absolutely exploded our relationship.

Just being honest, man. A gallon of wine per day is better, but it's still alcoholic-level drinking. It's your choice and I'm not judging you for it, but you have to expect that it will be alarming to other people.
 
Hey Ray, just read your post and wanted to my 2 cents. So the first thing I could relate to is your comment about thinking you can handle it this time and you are more mature. I have had several relapses, and I swear that was always my thought process; "I am different this time, more responsible - I can prevent it from getting out of control". For me, unfortunately, that was not the case any time. What I have found from my current sobriety is that thought is gone; I KNOW I am more mature and responsible and by knowing this I also know it is a bad idea to even creep down that fine line. A lot of times everything starts good and then maybe I feel compelled to tell a minor, irrelevant white lie and then the snowball gets bigger and bigger from there.

Why not try to get sober and then date her? I bet she'd really like you even more if you did that.
Another thing to think about, this works for me and I mean no offense to you personally at all. I don't know you, your age, preferences or situation so I am not and will not judge you. If you were cruising dating sites as a sober person with all their shit together would you want to date someone without a job or someone who is in the midst of a struggle?

Now I wanted to ask you, why do you need her in your life, especially as a girlfriend? Are you afraid to be single or do you just like being in relationships? Or do you feel like you need to be sexually active?
I mean FOR ME, the only reason I would even want a girlfriend is if I truly, truly felt by being with her she could help me improve myself and she could help me overcome my addiction. If that isn't 100% my angle, then I'm not sure there would be a point of being in a relationship while I am still under the grips of a substance. There are way too many cons than pros. All of that stuff is emotion and your mind playing tricks on you. There is a reason there is a honeymoon phase both in relationships and in a lot of drug addictions.

I wish you luck and only you can make the correct decision because only you know yourself and your situation. I am going to end with a couple of quotes I find relevant to this that were also very profound to my life.

"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a persistent one."

"We experience ourselves our thoughts and feelings as something separate from the rest. A kind of optical delusion of consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us."

- Albert Einstein

Yeah, I agree about the lies, but sometimes a white lie just seems like such a perfect solution...anyway I'll try to be honest with her as much as I can...also I try to think that my drinking and my unemployment don't define me as a person(although maybe they do a little bit)...now to answer your question as to why I want her in my life; first of all I'm a very sociable guy and I need somebody around me to know that somebody cares for me and after my ex left I lived alone for the first time in seven years which wasn't very fun at all...but of course with her it's a lot more than that...she really is the best gf I've ever had and the last couple of days living with her have been absolutely fantastic....anyways I appreciate your advice
 
There's no point in waiting. I will say that you should tell her before you move in with her, if you're still planning to do that (and I maintain that it is not normal to even want to move in after 1 week - it could work out but it's much more likely to be a disaster. Living together makes everything harder emotionally and if you don't even know each well yet and haven't had a chance to really develop a relationship it's very likely to destroy whatever could develop). What if you move in and then tell her and then she finds it unacceptable and wants to break up? Now you have to deal with breaking up while living together. Plus it would be a valid reason for her to be angry with you. Putting it off for a week or two sounds like the way I used to say I was going to tell my ex about the drugs I was hiding from her... and I never did, I actually got good at hiding it for a long time, and then she found out eventually and it absolutely exploded our relationship.

Just being honest, man. A gallon of wine per day is better, but it's still alcoholic-level drinking. It's your choice and I'm not judging you for it, but you have to expect that it will be alarming to other people.

Ok,ok you guys've convinced me....I'll talk to her tonight when she comes home and tell her exactly how much I drink every day...hope it goes well...ot should...but before I tell her I'll clean the house up a little bit(there are already a couple of empty wine jugs and beer bottles rolling around)...so she knows I'm not THAT kind of a heavy drinker...thanks for the advice guys...
 
Haha, nothing wrong with making the best possible impression. :)
 
Ok,ok you guys've convinced me....I'll talk to her tonight when she comes home and tell her exactly how much I drink every day...hope it goes well...ot should...but before I tell her I'll clean the house up a little bit(there are already a couple of empty wine jugs and beer bottles rolling around)...so she knows I'm not THAT kind of a heavy drinker...thanks for the advice guys...

Good luck man, I like your change of mindset!!
 
Ray -

i think you are making the right choice in telling her. Good luck and please let us know how it goes.

- VE
 
so she knows I'm not THAT kind of a heavy drinker...
I'm going to play bad cop here. You're not "THAT kind of heavy drinker" but you drink 6L of wine a day. Sorry dude, you are THAT kind of drinker. 6L of wine is 40 standard drinks. I considered myself an untreated raging alcoholic for about 5 years and have been in and out for another five (up to a year and a half sober here and there), but the most I ever drank in a day was a fifth of 80 proof vodka, which by comparison is 17 standard drinks (and still excessive IMO). What are you going to do when you're in your 30s and already have cirrhosis? Because at the rate you're drinking, it's not a question of if, but when. I've known people who've died from cirrhosis and it's an ugly, painful way to go.

Ray Smith said:
I need somebody around me to know that somebody cares for me

No dude, you need someone who takes care of you. There's a difference. You don't earn any money, and you piss it away on booze and gambling.
You're life is unmanageable, and you need someone to manage it for you. Just speaking from personal experience, most women eventually get sick of enabling.

I'm not going to dispense any advice, because you're not really here to get meaningful advice, you just want us to enable you. Good luck to you.
 
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