Fear of the Unknown

[outside_upside]

I lay here waiting for my day to perc up so I can get out of bed. The small mass in my abdomen hurts the most in the mornings and it takes me a min. Ive been playing the insurance waiting game to get approval for surgery to remove said mass and the fear that of the unknown is getting to me.

I had over 5 years without a cancer recurrence and I let hope creep into my heart, only to have reality quickly smush it to shit. Im terrified of the results and scared that if it is cancer again this moment will mark the beginning of my slow slide into death. I was always told, if my cancer never came back there was a 95% it never would. But if it DID come back, it would continue to come back until I lost the fight.

On top of all that fear is the pain. Even though it burns through me and keeps me from eating and sleeping, it weirdly lets me know Im still alive. At least I know it?s real, unlike the avoidance and euphoria that Percocet gives me.

The worst part of all the are the loving attempts to cheer me up from the people in my life. No, Im not strongest person you know. Im not confident. Im nothing but a jellied ball of wobbly nerves and sorrow hiding behind a pretty smile so the people around me don?t worry.

Cancer is such an ugly word and it makes me wonder what I did in this life, or another, to have to walk this lonely ass path in life.

I?m so goddamn tired of being sick.

 

[Xorkoth]

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I have a friend who has cancer, by the time they caught it the first time it had already metastasized. He's been declared in remission 3 times and recently it came back again. It's so messed up because he's younger than me (he's 32).

All I can say is, and of course this is easier said than done but it's what he said to me: m you just have to live as best as you can. If you stay curled up into yourself in fear, then the cancer has successfully taken the rest of your life. You're still alive now, so try to use this gift to do things you've always wanted to do, to do things you enjoy, to get the most out of the life you have left. Studies have shown that state of mind/anxiety or lack therefore can have a profoundly negative or positive effect on healing. If you're consumed with worry all the time, it will make it harder to heal, in addition to making the time you have miserable. I ran into a guy I knew years ago, yesterday, it turns out he had been getting very sick and got told he had blood cancer and had a few weeks to live. He changed the way he lives (in addition to medical treatment), started eating really well, supplementing with various mushrooms that have been demonstrated to have anti-cancer properties (like maitake and turkey tail), and convincing himself he would beat it... and he's been in remission for a year, is gaining back weight and is the most in shape he's ever felt. It's pretty inspiring.

None of us know what time we have left... all we can do is make the most of our time, when we have it. I know this is easier said than done so I hope I don't sound insensitive, I'm just repeating some things that people with cancer I know have told me. Hang in there.

 

[sonicwhite]

I?m terribly sorry you?re going thru this.

These valleys are rough to walk they I know.

I always ask myself what did u do wrong, and then thing after thing pops into my head of everything I did do wrong.

I?m not giving up tho.


PM if you need someone to talk to.

 

[Kmccartttt]

I will pray for you ??