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Friendship Issue

llama112

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Nov 26, 2010
Messages
4,471
I have a friendship problem. Basically I have troubles with friends and I'm currently single and focusing on friendships. Because of BPD, I'm extreme, and I know that can be a lot. I have three close friends and they all know about BPD and all my issues. However, I've only been able to stay friends with one for over a year (we have history).

I met two new friends after a lot of stuff happened. These two friends accepted me. The one I felt closest to all of a sudden just stopped being friends with me. Not really any reason besides I'm insane and crazy (which we'd discussed before and agreed crazy is good and makes life more interested as he's far from normal either).

He has blocked me on all social media. He won't explain why he's upset with me. He has finacial issues and was going to do some work for me to earn money (he won't borrow money) but he just bailed on that which puts me in a tight position but he doesn't really care.

He's focusing on himself which is great but I'm not sure why that means I have to disappear from his life.

I want to still be friends with him; I have very few friends as does he and as do all my friends as we're just like that. He doesn't really explain what I did wrong. Also like we all make mistakes I can't think of anything unforgiveable. I honestly thought it was a realy good long-term friendship. I don't know.
I'm just not sure what to do.
 
You have absolutely no clue what might have upset him? Do you talk frequently, usually?
 
We talk like every other day. We hang out a couple times a week. I tried to explain that I need him to explain what I did wrong and then I can learn from it or whatever. But it's like, friendship just ended. But we have the same social circle which will be awkward and I've been very loyal to him when this other guy was being a complete jerk to him too which made me disliked by a few people but, for your best friend, of course I'll defend him.
I have so many troubles making friends, more keeping friends. We connected so well and have been through a lot together for not beng friends for THAT long. It's so weird and just very strange for him to act like this.
 
Not really any reason besides I'm insane and crazy (which we'd discussed before and agreed crazy is good and makes life more interested as he's far from normal either).

Easy to say, harder to deal with in real life... Only thing I can think of unless you give more specifics. There's gotta be something if he straight up blocked you.
 
It takes a certain type of person to fully connect with someone with a personality disorder.

I too have a hard time maintaining relationships. For me, I just generally lose interest after I get to know someone. I start to understand their patterns and behaviors and it just gets old, because quite frankly I don't desire to go any deeper than that. But for someone with BPD, I think a lot of people have a hard time with the push/pull, as well as the varying moods, self-image and behavior. No one person is the same, and the fact that you seem self aware might negate a lot of those traits. But anyway, I find I generally "click" with people who keep me on my toes. I like the catch and release.. people with BPD very much interest me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j08iHBqiavU

Not sure how helpful that was, but it needed to be said, I think.

Anyway, if he can't handle you, just consider yourself hard to get. It's not that you're defective, it's that people don't fully understand you. Wait for someone who cares enough to understand, and who has the man balls to put up with the good, bad and ugly.
 
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^^^I agree. Most of my friends have mental 'disorders'. I find they correlate with intelligence & creativity. And I have OCD myself. I especially won't date normal people. I get bored so fast.

I'd be interested in getting to know you, if you want an online friend, llama. :)
 
I'd be interested in getting to know you, if you want an online friend, llama. :)

I was going to offer the same, but thought it would be too much a commitment. Then again, friendships don't need to be super time consuming or intimate. That's the beauty of them.
 
Yup. Just knowing there are people out there who care for you & really know the real you can be immensely comforting. Unless you betray me badly, I'll be your friend for life (provided we connect ofc). Loyalty is extremely important to me. And I'd tell you straight up if you upset me. But I'm basically impossible to offend & not easily ruffled. Hit me, llama. Or anyone else in need of friendship.
 
I only have these three friends (real life); one has bipolar, one doesn't have any mental health issues, this friend has experienced depression and anxiety (mildly but has experienced it but it's not like a regular thing for him, I guess seasonal) and has ADD. And this friend, besides his mom, I think I'm the only person he has talked to about seasonal depression. I'm very intuitive and could tell one time when I was living further away that something was off with him and he's not great with messaging so, despite beinig crazy sick, I drove an hour with some excuse and saw him and, sure enough, he was going through a depression phase. I haven't known him long enough to know that it was depression but I could sense that something was wrong. And we talked and it was. And we discussed it. And then he was okay for like a bit. Then he got it again. And I was living closer so I was able to be there a bit more and talk to him about therapy and I looked up some therapists that I thought would be good for him since he's never been to therapy and kinda explained how it worked and stuff like that. He's broke so I was finding resources that could help with that too. But I'm pretty sure I'm the first friend he opened up to about this.

He finally explained why he wanted to end the friendship. A lot of shit had happened in my life when I met this friend and it was just bad luck really and I couldn't control it but had a lot of stuff and this friend had no obligation but still (I warned him because like my life was and is fucked up) he helped me and was there for me. But he says I bring drama into my life and that I like it. I don't know why I attract drama, i think that's BPD characteristic (which I've only known about for two years). I guess when I go into BPD crazy mode I do stupid stuff. I feel like that's another person and I'm literally trying to work on that and he knows that! He says since we are closer he is starting to pick up the negative traits that I have (we all have negative traits) and now he seeks out drama and I don't really understand that. I don't pick up traits like that from others. And apparantly I talk to him too much and expect him to like solve my problems and all that which I may talk to him too much okay then I can reduce that and I don't expect him to solve my problems. And he doesn't like how I take one small issue and it feels like a big issue - THAT IS BPD FOR YOU! Like I can't explain that one much better.

This all just happened so suddenly and I didn't know he thought any of that about me. And I don't know why he didn't tell me any of this before so that I knew it was an issue. I told him I didn't have much experience with friendships and that this is new to me and just talking to me about whatever is going on.... so when all of a sudden he just stopped talking to me like I had no clue. Then he says that stuff. Of course I respect that he has his own life and I never expect him to put my life over his. I can't change the fact that I'm extreme and intense. That's me. But like some things are easy to solve that he mentioned that IDK why he didn't say anything sooner because they are.

But then it's like, I don't want to be so pathetic as to beg for a friend. He says we can talk. But this stuff effects me a lot. I don't have family, these are the closest three friends I have and to lose one out of three is a lot. Especially the one I hang out with the most becuase all three are in different cities.

But if he just ends it... we also are in the exact same scene and will see each other. I'm known to people as his friend because he introduced me to a lot here. But I know I'll get mad and I don't want to cuz he is a good person but I'll end up messing up his life. I don't see how I'm putting his life in a bad place. I'm so supportive of him and his goals and he asks me for advice and stuff and I give feedback and he helps me too and I was able to get him a part time job which he has bailed on which puts me in a bad position (I trusted him) and now he wants nothing to do with me so he's trying to find a job elsewhere (which is hard for him due to his education/job history) and I don't get why he is going that more difficult route when he has something here.

I probably care way too much about my friends but I just like to see them be happy and succeed and I never even think about anything else. So this is a huge deal for me. I think I'm being a good friend and then all of a sudden, this?

He has said things about my life and how maybe I'm approaching it not the right way and I've thought about it and changed. Because he made a good point and a good suggestion. I don't just listen and follow blindly, I think about it. But I'm trying to improve my life and I know he is too and I thought we were both helping each other with that (along with being friends). Our problems are very different but we can help each other out and I liked that. I worry about his problems too but that's my problem/issue if it consumes too much of my time.

We just connected and became close and I've shared some personal information about my past to him that I haven't felt comfortable with sharing with others. And we have good times together like we party together and we can also just chill together and be honest with each other and that's a good friendship I think.

IDK what bugs me is like I told him about the BPD from the beginning when we started getting close because I know that it hurts when people leave so if it's too much I want them to leave before they mean anything to me. But he stayed. But then like he knows about this mental health issue, he knows I'm working on it. He has seen me in all states but not aimed at him. Well this time it gets aimed at him and it's like a surprise that I'm emotional over it? I don't know.
 
I'm glad you got answers but I really think it's shitty that he let all that anger/resentment etc build up for so long without ever mentioning it, then just suddenly defriended you. IMO, that is passive aggressive behaviour & demonstrates personal weakness - an inability to directly confront issues, & a tendency to avoid personal responsibility by putting all the blame on you. Bc if he had been honest right away, you could have at least tried to change. I absolutely understand your sadness/annoyance but I think he was never going to last. It also sounds like you were contributing more to the friendship than he was, & he may feel guilty about that & be lashing out at you in response. IMO you deserve better. You sound like a good friend to me. Definitely don't let HIS failings make you feel lesser. You did nothing wrong. I don't think he's a bad guy, just weak. You need someone more resilient emotionally.
 
I just thought he was a really good friend he has been there for me a lot and he's been honest about other things but then just so much popped up at once that I had no clue about. We're just friends I mean I thought good friends but. Like I know I'm not a perfect friend but I'm honest about that and I appreciate if I get some feedback about that.
It is putting a lot of blame on me when it's not all my fault. Yes like some things are my issues that I could have changed but he could have told me. Some things I don't think are my issue.
I'm so confused why all of a sudden though this is happening.
It makes me feel like I'm just a horrible person though I've been crying for days I guess cuz this stuff makes me way too emotional. I honestly did think that we had a good enough friendship that it was going to last and like I don't know how to even describe it but everything seemed so natural and it just seemed to work.
And I just moved to this city and it's so hard to make friends and I'm going to be completely alone here it'll feel like. I like being alone a lot but not all the time.

I'm in a pretty rough state in life in general and having these friends means a LOT to me because I'm so terrible at having friends and they all seem to accept me and want to spend time with me. It's so hard to make friends when you have BPD plus when you're just so anxious about people and when you're in the scene that I'm in (clearly substances are around and music is a big thing and I want friends who accept that but also who are MORE than just party friends). Then I just have strange interests and I'm at a weird point in life where my life is like 10 years ahead of my age and my social skills are like 5 years behind. I'm financially stable but I'm scared to leave my apartment. Weird stuff like that.
 
And I totally appreciate that and I will reach out to you guys. Online friends are different that real life friends obviously and, regardless of anxiety and BPD, I thought I was an introvert for the longest time but turns out I am whatever is in between and I do need social interaction and friends and it's weird because I'm scared to until I get comfortable with someone and then when I do I guess I get too attached.
 
It's difficult opening up to people, only to be let down.

Don't let him make it seem like you're the problem - it could just be that he isn't fully equipped or ready to handle such a dynamic personality. Like you said, you were up front about your issues from the start, so it's really his own fault for getting in over his head.

It's all good.
Just take it one day at a time.
Maybe tomorrow you meet a fantastic person.
But I will say, in order to let people into your life, you need to be willing to be vulnerable.
 
And I totally appreciate that and I will reach out to you guys. Online friends are different that real life friends obviously and, regardless of anxiety and BPD, I thought I was an introvert for the longest time but turns out I am whatever is in between and I do need social interaction and friends and it's weird because I'm scared to until I get comfortable with someone and then when I do I guess I get too attached.

This is a classic description of an introvert. Everyone needs socialisation, friends, partners etc. Introverts just make fewer but deeper connections, & take longer to open up oftentimes, plus they usually abhor small talk. But once they feel comfortable they don't shut up. I love introverts. My husband was an extreme one.

I'll respond to the rest in a bit.
 
Sounds like he couldn't deal with the baggage... Maybe take things easier next time? I don't mean less meaningful, just less intense. Find someone to do an activity with, have a cerveza, chill etc. Also have you ever tried CBT?
 
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He WAS fine with it for so long. I don't get it.
Because everything is so extreme, it's effecting EVERY part of my life. Like I'm sick, I can't sleep, I'm crying nonstop. This is obviouslyl ridiculous behaviour. It controls every part of me it seems. And I mean he doesn't have a mood disorder so he goes on as usual I'm sure. He returned everything he borrowed from me.

I honestly don't get why reducing the friendship asn't a possibility rather than shutting it down. Cuz I'm gonna see him anyway and I'm not going to be happy to see him. Even tonight. He always makes sure I'm okay and stuff so it's kinda weird if he's just ignoring me. And that we have the same friends.
 
Not a counselor or anything the like:
As a long term relationshipper it is my opinion that it take time to know who one is dealing with and what they may (or may not) be about.
There are few people that I "like" after years of knowing. I love them... but somewhere things do not seem as they appear. Some I like more over time... these are usually open, honest and candid individuals.
Is it more than half marriages end in less than five years? lol I feel most blessed that I am one with now that I love (and like) more now than I did 23 years ago.
Go with your gut. Honestly; from what I see here as far as honesty and openness this forum is chock-full of good people. We should be able to see what is coming down the road.
I think you should move on, personally, and find someone (or let them find you) that you so greatly deserve.
Best always,
ptah

Edit: I went through a short-term separation a couple years ago that almost killed me literally. Don't know if this mays one feel any better.... sorry
 
Are you getting any sort of counseling for your BPD? Might be beneficial to work on some of your issues related to BPD before investing too much in relationships. That way when it happens you'll maybe be more stable.
 
DBT has helped a bit.
Ugh even with friends do I need a sign that says "be careful, crazy person here" :(
 
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someone that cuts you off at random with no explanation is not someone you could ever really rely on
 
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