And so it goes...(recovery journal)

[VastEmpty]

Hello. Again.

I am currently facing dealing with opiate withdrawals. As is generally the case with me, I don?t take ?that? much and have recently stabilized (I guess I have anyway - honestly I don?t know quite what that means anymore so if it?s tolerable I consider it stable) on 35 mgs of oxycodone a day. 10 in the morning, 10 in the afternoon and 15 in the evenings. I feel like shit, but it?s been years since I?ve felt ?good? so that?s normal. Each day is a struggle, but that?s normal for me, too.

Stabilizing at any lower of a dose isn?t going to work for me - I need to rip off the fucking bandaid. I?ve never been good at tapering and I?m shocked I?ve made it down this far. I?m hoping it will reduce the acute symptoms at least a bit. So, I?ll take my 15 mgs in about 5 hours and then that?s that. I know how to beat this. It?s simple (never easy, but simple) - just don?t take opiates and eventually you will feel like you can live. And then, if you are lucky, you may even want to live.

I?ve got clonodine and Kratom to help. I?m good at using the kratom to survive and not going crazy. I hate it too much to go crazy on it. I?ve done this before - this will be my fourth time of saying I?m never doing this again. But, I?m gonna say it, cause right now it?s true. This will be my last day 1.

This forum has gotten me through some dark times in the past. So, I?m back. I hope everyone else is doing as well as can be and not giving up the fight. I hear that?s the most important thing. Don?t quit quitting.

- VE

 

[VastEmpty]

Well, I?m at 18 hours since my last dose of 15 mgs. I?m feeling not as bad as I thought I would and do think the taper may have helped. Don?t get me wrong, I feel like shit and have no intention of leaving my bed in the near future, but not as bad as I know it can get.

I have trazadone for sleep and took 50 mgs of that about an hour ago so I may even get some sleep. I googled it and it said it was a sedative - which I could use. Also, I downed two clonidine within an hour of being up this morning.

Things that I am thankful for:

1). I?m not coming off of benzos. It?s just opiates.
2). I?ve felt worse than this and made it so I know it?s possible.

- VE

 

[VastEmpty]

Ok, so, I bailed on my plan to rip the bandaid off. I took 25 mgs total yesterday and survived. So my new dose today is only 25 mgs. I have a boundary of just not going up from that today. When I feel like I’m going to live, I’ll make a plan for tomorrow. It’ll probably include some quick tapering from 25 down to 10 and trying again.

Even though I took 25 mgs yesterday I feel like shit today. Not acute wd shit - not like struggling for every painful second or anything. But shit none-the-less. Oh well. The only way out of this is through this.

- VE

 

[cj]

Just take your time with the taper. Especially since your limited on comfort meds

 

[VastEmpty]

CJ -

yeah, I think I’m gonna have to. I’m so bad at tapering that I’m constantly afraid I’ll fuck it up...again. But I’ve made it this far, so I’m going to keep going. I feel like SHIT when I taper. I think it’s cause I suck at it, don’t trust myself, then rush it. Then get worn out and tired if it all. Anyway, enough whining. Today I’m on track.

When I feel like I can handle life at 25 mgs I’ll think about going down further than that.

- VE

 

[Stargazer]

Hey VE!

How are you ? In sorry you're going through the bullshit. It really is a struggle.

I'm on Subutex. Have been for 10 or so months. I still use here and there. And then go through feeling like shit for 4-6 days inducting my yself back on to subs.

Hang in there. Be easy on yourself. .

 

[VastEmpty]

10!!! -

so good to hear from you! I have certainly been better. I am in a constant state of feeling like shit - and it’s not all just the opiates. It’s that I take anti depressants and that’s fucking with so much right now. The SNRI I take doesn’t seem to work and it’s making me feel like shit - but I feel like the opiates also fuck with how it works...not sure if that even makes sense. I have tried to look into opiates and SNRI negative interactions and haven’t found much, so maybe it’s just a me thing, but it sucks. Today, I switched to an SSRI - or back I should say as I was on the SSRI until about 10 months ago then switched to the SNRI. We shall see how it works. Hope isn’t in my vocabulary currently...but I doubt I could feel worse, so I welcome the switch.

although, I feel so shitty mentally from the Serotonin/dopamine/whatever-the-fuck-else my brain is missing that I have become kinda good at pushing through my wds so my opiates are on the low side - 30 mgs. I’m trying to stabilize on that before cutting doses again. I feel that physical wds are better but my brain still hurts. I have no incentive to use more other than feeling marginally better, at best. I could double my dose (and have done so to test this theory) and not feel significantly “better” - maybe like 15% better. So, since I don’t have any incentive I guess tapering has kinda become a thing I can do. For now.

anyway, enough of my rant - how is the sub working for you when you are able to stay on it and stabilize? Do you want to be clean or are you ok with the now and then use? No judgement.

How is is life otherwise?

I am so glad to see a familiar face. Thanks so much for checking in!

- VE

 

[EPL1]

Hi VE,

Just wanted to jump on and say you're doing a really great job with your taper, you taper at your own pace, do what's good for you.

Try to be kind and patient with yourself too. And never apologize, you're not whining, this is your thread and a good place to get everything down.

Very proud of you.

Here if you need anything,

Much love,
your friend,
Ash.

CJ -

yeah, I think I’m gonna have to. I’m so bad at tapering that I’m constantly afraid I’ll fuck it up...again. But I’ve made it this far, so I’m going to keep going. I feel like SHIT when I taper. I think it’s cause I suck at it, don’t trust myself, then rush it. Then get worn out and tired if it all. Anyway, enough whining. Today I’m on track.

When I feel like I can handle life at 25 mgs I’ll think about going down further than that.

- VE

 

[VastEmpty]

Aright, I’ve successfully made the switch from the SNRI to the SSRI and I have to say I feel exponentially better. certainly well enough to continue with my taper.

I need to to find some time off work. I’ve been really slammed cause I took time off over the last couple of weeks, but I needed it.

When I do go down in dose I will let you all know and start posting regularly as I taper.

Keep on keeping on (we really have no other choice when it comes down to it).

- VE

 

[Stargazer]

Hey VE-

I'm so glad you're getting some mental/emotional relief. It's utter hell going through dual detoxing lol. But not funny. At. All.

I'm prescribed Neurotin for Bipolar 2. If I don't have Neurontin, I go through severe withdrawal. To me, it is worse than opiates, due to the very heightened anxiety I experience, along with all the same symptoms s opiate withdrawal. Sweating, freezing, hot, nauseous. The anxiety is so bad I can't calm down for even a minute. Uuggh.

I'm so grateful I was prescribed Neurotin. It is a game changer. I spent my life with very bad anxiety and panic attacks. I thought that was normal and everyone felt that way. (wtf?)

It's very nice to be emotionally stable! I'm glad to hear you're feeling a little better.

It takes time to go from a full-agonist (heroin) to a partial agonist (subs). It's like you didn't take anything.

As far as using, I would really like to completely stop. Honestly VE, I can't afford it. It makes life miserable. How are you today? I hope well. Hang in there.

 

[VastEmpty]

Hey 10 -

Thank you for the thoughtful and kind response. I know how you feel - if I were to quit taking them, my stupid SSRIs make me feel worse than opiates.

I have brain zaps that last for days any time I am moving, extreme fatigue, mental fog that is debilitating, my heart rate and blood pressure spike, and so much more that I will spare you. I would rather deal with ?flu like symptoms.?

It makes reducing the opiates absolute hell. Anyway, I am really glad I feel much better. I NEED to quit entirely and if it weren?t for work I would quit like yesterday.

I need a fucking break in life. It?s been a rough...year and a half. I will look back on this entire year as a very dark time in my life - I hope it gets better and not worse.

Thanks again for the kind words, 10 yrs.

- VE

 

[Stargazer]

You are very welcome VE.

I was shocked at how intense Neurontin withdrawal is. I got my ass handed to me. It seems like such a benign medication. Especially compared to the meds I was prescribed for pain : 5 80mg OxyContin/per day (which I had changed to 4 MS Contin/extended release Morphine due to costing less when I lost my insurance), Fioricet #120/month, #90 1mg Xanax w 2 refills/month. So going from all those meds to Neurontin seemed tame by comparison.

Im unable to count how many times I've been through opiate withdrawal, but I'm able to say it sucks lol. Its really difficult to believe the way you're feeling is temporary.

You're getting through it VE. Spring is around the corner. Try your best to stay positive and focused. Though I know, all too well, that's easier said than done.

You need to be reminded everyday, this will pass, that it really is temporary. We're here to tell you everyday.

Ive read many of your posts, and you are very strong. I read through your detox journal. You're amazing. You can do this. ����

 

[cj]

Yeah gabapentin withdrawal is really nasty