Thank you guys all so much, you are very helpful and it is greatly appreciated. God bless you all!
So far I have tried: Imipramine (pooped out at highest dose, tachycardia) Doxepin (no affect), Wellbutrin (no affect) Paxil (mixed state adverse response with mood stabilizer) Zoloft (mixed state) , Lexapro (mixed state without mood
stabilizer; depersonalization and feeling “flat” with mood stabilizer), Luvox (helped with anxiety somewhat and cognition and then pooped out) , Celexa (mixed state and hallucinations without mood stabilizer at lowest dose), Lyrica (no affect), Gabapentin (no affect), Clonodine (no affect), propranolol (no affect), the sleep medication prescribed for nightmares (NIGHTMARES..lol), Seroquel (initially very woozy and sleep but terrible for cognition; now it makes anxiety worse), Trazadone (don’t remember), Abilify (no affect), another antipsychotic (could not
even remember the month but knocked me out), Depatoke (gained 40 pounds), Lithium ( poor cognition and memory), Trintellix (worked like a charm and had no panic attacks but I was throwing up all day so the PDoc could not titrate up), Ambien (no affect at highest dose), Lunesta (no affect at highest dose), Bellsomra (no affect at highest dose), Sonata (no affect), Roserem (no affect), Ativan (adverse response), Klonopin (adverse response), Restoril (adverse response). I also did a trial of Ketamine (helped somewhat with cognition and concentration but not with anxiety and depression) and TMS (no affect).
I am so tired of living this way that I wholeheartedly believe I will not be here in the next five years. I am not living life right now, I am just getting through days. In addition to the palpitations and headaches, my mind is never quiet. I have also been diagnosed with OCD, so I am very paranoid about germs and practice sets of words from my “vocabulary” in my head 90% of the day. The word thing is a major catalyst for anxiety because when I was initially diagnosed with panic disorder my cognition got really bad and I started to lose a lot of words. It progressively got worse and was to the point where I could not retrieve words I had used all the time to put to together to form sentences, so I started to isolate myself and tried to avoid talking to people as much as I could. I was an avid writer in high
school,was very articulate, and could carry a conversation effortlessly, so it is frustrating and disconcerting for me. There are a million thoughts and replays of conversations with people and dilemmas going through my head ALL DAY, even when I am sleeping for the three to four hours I sleep a night, so I don’t sleep restfully. Sometimes I feel like I am on fast forward or moving ahead of myself, so I feel so depressed and have zero incentive to do
anything but stay in the bed (I was out of work three days this week) and am not even grooming on a daily
basis.
The only good thing that has happened is my cognition is getting better on the Citalopram and I am not having perpetual thoughts about people molesting my daughter anymore ( I was molested and physically abused by my
mother’s boyfriends for years, so the PDoc thinks these thoughts are some
form of PTSD) and I can remember words (but still practicing word finding obsessively all day).
The fact that I am a Christian and I have a child that is 12 are the only reasons I am still here because right now I am not able to do much efficiently and I am living in my own personal hell. I am sssoooo fatigued mentally and physiologically.