I Am Worthless. What Should I Do?

[LandsUnknown]

I should not have been born, and honestly I don't know why I even was other than perhaps a broken rubber. My family thinks I'm worthless. They constantly tell me that. Just today my mother told me that she wished she never had me because I'm a failure at life and slapped me across the face for daring to "talk back to her" when I got offended, which I totally deserved. She does this all the time and always has. Though, I really shouldn't be offended, because it's not like she is saying anything that isn't true.

I know my place, it's not like I think I'm like other people and have value or something. I don't, and I know that. I have diagnosed ADHD, but beyond that I'm just worthless and utterly incapable of anything. I've had jobs here and there, just shitty ones. And there have been plenty of times when I got shitcanned from this or that because I fucked up. And at its root, some people can just tell what I am... fucking worthless to society.

The other day, I asked for some privacy. I asked my Mom not to come in the bathroom when I'm showering. There's frosted glass, so it's not like she would see anything. But still. I thought this wasn't too much to ask, but stupid me asked. And she got pissed. I thought that asking for such a simple gesture of respect was understandable. But it wasn't. Instead, she got enraged. And as usual, slapped me... just like she does every time that I say something she doesn't agree with. I deserved it though as always.

Yeah, I've tried to move out. But every time I'm about to go, both of my parents explain to me that I am not like other people. Which is true. That I am inherently worthless in the eyes of society and that they are one of the few people who would see any value in me whatsoever. That most of the world would just rather that I be dead. Which I guess is true. And that no one would ever hire me for any job because they could just get a normal person to do the same job. Which I'm sure is true.... I mean who the fuck would hire me when they could hire a normal person? Wouldn't make sense.

Honestly, if I killed myself, which I have thought about a lot, I think a lot of people would be relieved. My family would likely be relieved, and just today my mom told me she wished she never had me. They have said things like this before, and honestly I think other people in my family would be relieved. I think that in a way, I would be relieved in the sense that I wouldn't have to wake up another day. Which I dread.

Still, I have no plans to kill myself. And I'm not going to do it. No one would miss me, but for some reason I still don't want to actually do it. I know I am worthless, and I've never questioned that. But I have always thought it would be amazing if there was someone, even just one person who thought that I wasn't worthless. That my life did have meaning. That I have meaning. That I am a valuable human being.

Because there is some part of me that thinks that I might be, even though I know I'm not. And deep down, that's the reason why I don't kill myself. Because I know that somewhere out there, there is probably someone who would think that I have value. Even though, in reality I probably don't. But just the fact that there's probably an outlier somewhere who would think that I did, even though I have never met such a person, makes me choose to not kill myself.

 

[Xorkoth]

Hey man, I'm going to move this The Dark Side because you're going to get a lot more support and responses there. I'll come back and say more later after I finish some work stuff but I'll just say that it sounds like your mother is quite controlling and abusive towards you. We all have worth, and believing we don't is usually something instilled into us, a way we learn to think that creates a new reality for us. Generally it is instilled from a young age by people telling you to think that way about yourself. This is an illusion.

 

[Shady's Fox]

You sound younger by the way you describe your situation or if you don't you are not worthless but def not far from it. I know that ADHD can prevent you from doing things but you have to figure out when it's an episode or not, low-class jobs are acceptable at least someone in you it's there but you just need a little kick to move forward. If you want to improve yourself while you live with your family it's pretty hard especially in your case, when you have thought to kill yourself for unlogical reasons and issues which could be solved in little time, have you tried to talk to a psychologist?..

What are your hobbies I see that you consider yourself inferior and no chance for any progress, why would that be? People have this thing in which they have frustrations and pour them under different little issues doesn't matter which, fuck it, could even be that you hold the fork in the left hand and not in the right. It's a dark river when you don't have a job and live by your parents hand I think if you would have your own money it would be alright, what you need to find it's just a simple job and then move away from family and create your own life.

 

[Painful One]

I KNOW you have value and you are not worthless!

You know you know this too, deep down inside. Listen to that voice. Let it rise in you.

I'm sorry you have been so abused and lied to! Please find a way to set some boundaries with your family.
Do not allow yourself to be slapped. Do not allow the insults. Walk away. Go in your room or take a walk, anything.

Get out among other people and you will see that they are not like your family.

I promise you that you are not worthless and could get a job and you are loved already more then you know!

 

[EPL1]

WOW,

YOU are deifinitely NOT worthless, I feel terribly sad that you feel that way, because it's just not true.

I hope you're older, at least old enough to move out, your mother is terrible, I want to say more, but out of respect for you, being that's your mother, I won't.

We can't choose our families, but we can choose to cut ties with them if they are abusing us, which yours is.

Honestly, there are people that care about you, we care about you. I think if you can get a job, any job that allows you to move out, your perception of yourself would change once you're away from your clearly unhappy with herself mother. And I use the word mother loosely here.


Change is possible for you, but you need to start over somewhere else.


Much love, hugs and support to you.

your friend,
Ashley.

 

[Asclepius]

Hey man,

Family can be a colossal barrier to autonomy when you are stuck in addiction/dependant on them and trying to maintain your dignity and autonomy. Any well-meaning can easily turn into control as they dont trust you and in turn, you feel worthless.

Obviously, you are not and know that you are just human, flawed and with potential also.

You just need the opportunity to experience life without constraint and that takes time to work on, for yourself. Even with your folks, there will be that point where you will realize these well-meaning folks are bat-shit in their approach but you will be able to tolerate it - when you get space.

There is nothing more emotionally suffocating than being dependent on someone/something.
Glad you know you are worth something; despite your shitty, constricting circumstances atm.

Can you get out of the house to join something ( other than the obvious habitual stuff) that can put you in touch with being part of your community in an accountable capacity? As in something that enables you to feel integrity for yourself?
Waiting for someone to validate you is a sorry state - we all need a connection but seeking an ideal in another, isn't very reasonable or, will yield reward for you - keep the bar balanced - neither low, nor high. Keep yourself in check and accountable, you sound like someone who needs to prove themselves to themselves and hasnt had that experience yet - no doubt you will find your level soon. Take it easy and stop blaming yourself and your clueless family( they probably mean well but yeah, meaning and actuality are not the same and you need to grow, set your boundaries/even if they are crossed - you keep your head-up mate with a view to better!) and that takes your input to step up to yourself, your deficits and strengths - like all of us.