• H&R Moderators: VerbalTruist | cdin | Lil'LinaptkSix

Avocadopear

Hiya. I have my doctors appointment today at 10am. Really can?t wait to find out what happens next I will update later. Have a good day everyone ?
 
I messed up as I took my 2 year old with me so they weren?t able to see me with child there. I?ve had to rebook and the soonest they could get me in is next week Friday. I did have a chat with the doctor I just wasn?t allowed in the drug and alcohol bit as children aren?t allowed there. She gave me a reality check and said I need to stop taking these pills if I want to see my children grow up, I will die if I carry on. I?ve been crying my eyes out all the way home I feel devastated. It?s not a bad thing though I needed that reality check, I?ve just been floating along in my little bubble thinking I?ll be fine, the doctors will help me everything will be fine. But everything is not fine i need to do this myself I can?t expect this to magically happen on its own. I?ve got to have my bloods tested for liver damage and kidney damage etc before the doctors can prescribe me anything else so I?m trying to get that booked in ASAP. It sounds ridiculous but I didn?t even think about the damage I?m doing and have probably already done to my health. I?m so worried. My children are my world I?ve been so selfish I can?t leave them without a mummy I can?t stop crying at the thought of it. I?m going to try and cut down on the pills by myself as there seems to be one delay after another I?m going to check in on blue light forum and hold myself accountable on here and hopefully people will support me and talk to me about it. I also want to try and get into some meetings I?m going to look into that now I can?t just carry on like this my pill useage has crept up to around 30 a day sometimes more I think because I have it in my head that I?m getting help and going to quit so there?s no harm in taking a few more short term but I?m just fooling myself. I feel like drowning my feelings in a bottle of wine but that needs to stop too I need help and I need to help myself and do this for my beautiful children and also do it for myself.
 
you didn't mess up. you weren't clear about the rules, quite possibly no one told you.

addiction will use any excuse to avoid taking action today, and getting help is a great one. don't beat yourself up. i know its hard not to but its not useful.

hopefully what happened today will help you to reframe your use, and therefore stop. reframing, taking a different perspective, is how to get around the fact willpower does not work.

you are in a life or death situation. when i used to abuse opiates and alcohol (and benzos) on a daily basis my now ex would stay up watching me breathe if he thought i'd done too much. i thought he was being stupid but now i can see he wasn't.

whatever help you get, they can't do your recovery for you, that has to come from you. get to meetings if you can so you can talk to people who know exactly what you're going through. i would ask cgl to start applying for funding for rehab ASAP, its not guaranteed and it would take a long time, but its a good contingency and if you get yourself sorted without it, excellent, if you don't then you have that to fall back on.

this is the sort of time that 'just for today' might actually be useful. i hated being told i didn't have to use today before, cos i fucking wanted to. but you really don't have to drown your feelings in a bottle of wine today. if you do, then don't get upset, using is what addicts do. but if you don't think about how proud you'll be, it'll give you a boost, even if you do drown your feelings tomorrow. you'll have done it once.
 
You?re right, I wasn?t actually told that I couldn?t bring a child. I?d seen a lady with baby in the other drugs place I?ve been to (this was a different place I went yesterday) so just assumed it wouldn?t be a problem. It?s done now though so if nothing else at least I?ve learnt to always check in future.

Yeah that does make sense it?s definately my addictive voice making excuses for me to take more as my tolerance is building up really quickly so what I got a good buzz from a month or so ago now just makes me feel normal and takes me out of withdrawal.

It?s so dangerous taking opiates with alcohol but I?ve just been oblivious or in denial only now am I starting to feel very worried about the damage I may have done. I went to the drop in blood taking unit this morning and suddenly feeling very nervous that I may have liver damage as I?m always boiling hot and sweating even when the weathers cold and I know that?s a sign of liver damage.

I will ask about getting in a queue for rehab. I pray I won?t need it but I?m not feeling very strong right now.

Yesterday I took 24 DHC and 4 normal codeine so obviously still a lot but less than some days. I?m going to write it down on here each day just for my own record and to see it written down in black and white I intend to take at least 1 less pill every day than the previous day and see how that goes until I have a proper plan in place with the doctor.

Do you have to take any medications after your detox / rehab now that you?re clean chinup? If you don?t mind me asking? I?m just curious as to how long i might be taking medications for after I quit taking the opiates? How are you finding it being drug free? Are you alcohol free too? Sorry for the questions if you?d rather not say then just ignore me. ?
 
yes definitely check in future. it must be difficult with childcare arrangements but its totally worth it!!

tolerance builds super fast. i remember getting a ?5k pay rise and immediately my addiction consumed that and i didn’t feel like i was using more at all. i’d always use more at weekends and be slightly sick at the start of the week just cos of 2 days of more using.

i really hope your blood results come back ok.

asking for help and setting it motion yourself is a really really strong thing to do. my parents changed the locks on my house and told me to go to rehab. my life was awful but i still couldn't choose to go into recovery. i’m truly in awe of people who can do it themselves. i hope you don’t need to go to rehab but it’ll be good to have things set in motion. a backup plan can never be a bad thing!!!

your plan sounds great and realistic- though you'll need to slow it down if you get too sick and probably slow right down at the end. a lot of people on here have experience of opiate tapering so hopefully they'll jump in. it is going to be hard and anything you manage to do at all is a great credit to you. good luck with it. be gentle and kind to yourself through this process.

no worries about the questions. i don’t take any medications, i’ve even managed not to take any sleeping pills this year, though i consider them legitimate, its difficult cos i’ve abused them. i’m considering asking the doctor for antipsychotics if things don’t improve for me soon, as i’m autistic and my psychiatrist in rehab suggested them.but i’ve abused them as well. or maybe antidepressants but i've had life threatening experiences with them twice. i was on vitamin b supplements my whole time at rehab and have continued them ever since. what medications you need will depend on your blood results and mental health assessment.

i don’t drink either, i used to be addicted to alcohol too and it caused an erosion in my stomach, so its very painful if i have more than about 2 drinks. my main reason for not drinking is cos i reckon even 1 drink now could fuck my judgement enough to make me go and score heroin.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
That?s a good plan to stay away from the drink. It affects my judgement a lot too and when I take extra pills it?s usually because I?m drunk and I fail to think of the consequences and the extra tolerance that really is building up too quickly. Plus drink enhances the feel good effect of the pills. I?ve noticed that even after a few hours or so I?ll start feeling crappy and take some more to bring me back up to feeling ok again. It?s really bad I?ve got myself into such a terrible situation and I just want to be free of this cycle. I?m going to try and get to a meeting this week, childcare had been difficult lately as my parents are on holiday and they are the ones I can mainly rely on to help out. Maybe I?ll be able to get on an online one but having never been to one before I?m not sure what to do or say etc. If anyone can advise an online meeting or a link etc that would be really helpful?

My blood results came back and the liver test wasn?t good. My results were: Serum ALT level 89.000 iu/L where as Normal range is 5 - 33 iu/L so I don?t know exactly what this means other than I could have an inflamed or damaged liver. Hopefully this will be the wake up call that I needed as from what I?ve researched liver damage can be reversed. I?m assuming the liver damage is from drinking rather than DHC?s but I don?t know. Thankfully all the other tests came back normal so that?s good.
 
Good news

Hi all,
So today I had my doctors appointment and all being well I should be starting my detox treatment on Monday. I feel like a weight has been lifted. I am going to be prescribed espranor. I have to wait until Monday because I should have been given a urine test on my initial assessment but wasn?t and they need to take 2 tests to prove that I am on opiates. However in order to get started quicker the doctor said I can go in the the drug place on Monday morning in withdrawal so not take any pills Monday morning and that will be proof enough so then they give me the prescription for 4mg then next day it will be 6 and see how it goes if it needs to go up to 8mg or not.
I?m slightly mortified that I?ll have to take the dose daily in front of the pharmacist like you said chin up. It?s really going to be a pain but I?ve got to do what I?ve got to do. Then eventually when they trust me I?ll be able to just have the medication at home. So then I?ll stay on the same dose for 3 months then start slowley reducing the dose so this time in 6 months I should be free!
I?m happy but also really worried about Monday morning having to go into withdrawal it?s not going to be pretty! ?
Really need to start getting to some meetings I?ll be seeing a support worker next week so hopefully they can help with that but in the meantime does anyone have a link for an online meeting either for drugs or alcohol?
I?m wondering whether to start a new thread for the start of my detox journey, will more people see it that way?
 
Hey, sorry for the late reply I've been hiking in the wilderness, now in Amman on my phone which is a pain so will keep this short. Congrats on getting your script sorted! I hope it helps. I looked up espranor its the same as subutex so make sure you are also in withdrawal when you start taking it otherwise it will get super bad.

If you search uk narcotics anonymous you will find details about meetings near you and online meetings. Getting local real life help will.be invaluable at this point. Try the groups cgl offer too.

Sorry about your liver results. Have you asked them about a detox for alcohol? You'd need medical supervision for that so get the ball rolling asap.
 
Hi Chinup,

That sounds fab about the hiking hope you?re having / had a fab time. Xx

Today?s the day I went into CGL this morning last pills I took was yesterday afternoon so I was sweating, anxious, tearful etc. I got my script - first day 2mg which I took at 11 then second 2mg I took at 11.50. Not really sure how I feel I don?t have much energy and I feel a bit different but I?ve stopped sweating so I?ll see how it goes. I was half tempted to start tomorrow as today I was able to take home and tomorrow i will be taking daily supervised doses but then I decided I will stick to the doctors plan it would be stupid not to and there?s no turning back now as I know if I take any codeine I?ll have bad side effects. I have 100 or so codeine pills plus a few DHC?s left over so maybe now is a good time to flush them down the toilet? Someone tell me to do it and I will there?s no reason for me to hang on to them is there?

I?m not sure what I?m going to do about the alcohol my goal is to quit but I?ve started cutting down in the meantime. I have a meeting with a worker on Thursday then a meeting with another worker plus home visit next Wednesday as I have young kids they need to make sure I have my meds safely locked away.
 
Last edited:
Well done! This is a huge step and I'm super amazed you've done it off your own bat. The lethargy is likely slight withdrawal so when they up the dose you should have more energy.

Throw them away!I feel like a total hypocrite saying that, I still have benzos and antipsychotics and I've been told I'm keeping hold of my addiction by keeping them but I've had a stash of benzos as a security blanket against the world for 12 years, I've not touched them since I got out of rehab and I know if I relapse it'll be heroin, but somehow I can't.

I'm glad you're seeing them regularly now. Have you made it to any na meetings?
 
Just a quick update this morning. I started feeling worse and worse yesterday as the day went on. Withdrawals such as bad stomach, tearfulness and extreme tiredness and achiness. Slept from 7pm to 7 am absolutely drenched in sweat. It?s probably a good thing knowing that taking more codeine would make the withdrawals worse as if I hadn?t ace known that I definately would have taken some. I?m praying the 6mg dose works better today otherwise I really don?t know how I?m possibly going to get through the day. ?
 
This probably sounds daft and self pitying but I really feel like I?ve been thrown in the deep end with this, I wasn?t prepared for how rubbish I?d feel and I?ve started on a week where I?ve got lots to do. I have a side job where I help a lady out with housework and gardening etc I?ve promised her I?ll go today and tomorrow plus I have another part time job on a Friday which I?ve already taken lots of time off from recently due to all these appointments.
I?m trying to get the strength to tidy my own house let alone someone else?s! ?
I?ve need to try and toughen up a bit and get on with things despite how I feel.
I went to the chemist this morning took my 6mg in front of the pharmacist. Oh my god I was in proper withdrawals freezing cold but dripping with sweat I felt so terrible. It?s funny how people look at you differently when you have a blue script there?s a lady who works there she used to be so friendly when handing over my codeine prescription but now she doesn?t even throw me a smile. Or maybe that me just being paranoid. Thankfully the buprenorphine has calmed me down and I?m not sweating now.
 
I think I?m just going to take a day off sick and stay at home with my toddler reading books and watching tv and lots of cuddles with her. I just feel weak, the buprenorphine has definately helped some of the withdrawals don?t get me wrong but I do not feel normal or good. I used to get a sense of well-being on the codeine. Not even a buzz anymore but just a sense of calmness that washed over me. I guess I?ll never feel like that again. Will tomorrow be better does anyone know? Tomorrow will be day 3.
 
Sorry chinup I didn?t answer your question. I?ve not made it to any meetings yet but I?ll have a look online now.
Thank you so much for your support and encouragement as well. I appreciate it. It?s really not easy going through all this as you know. Hopefully one day soon I?ll be able to offer some support to others too.
Because of how much worse I felt since posting yesterday I?m going to keep hold of the pills just for now just until I feel more stable like you say it?s a security blanket. It doesn?t mean I?m going to take them but hopefully in a few days time I?ll feel well enough to get rid of them. Xx
 
Sorry for spamming the page with my posts lol it?s just such a big thing and I literally have no one to talk to. Well I phoned my temporary worker who had a quick chat with but he sounded in a hurry to get off the phone to be honest so didn?t get much from that.
This afternoon I?ve suddenly started feeling kind of normal, as in the normal I felt before I started taking opiates. And I managed enough energy to do a food shop and even managed a conversation with someone at school pick up where as yesterday I was desperately avoiding any kind of human interaction other than with my kids. So feeling a bit more hopeful now today is definately better than yesterday and hopefully tomorrow will be even better.
 
I assume you mean your husband? Well done! I really hope he took it ok.

Some of the mods on here are on or have been on sub I think so I hope they can tell you a bit what to expect. You're doing really well to stick with it. It will get easier.

I'll read the rest of what you wrote tomorrow I've been up since 3am UK time and have no brain but you've been really brave, this is one of the hardest parts and you're through it.

Has your key worker recommended any therapy? You should try to find out what using is doing for you so you can work out what will help you in your recovery.
 
Thanks Chinup ?
Did you just do cold turkey in rehab I can?t remember if you said, i remember you said you didn?t do ORT.
It?s a bit difficult with my key worker as my original lady I was assigned to broke her foot and is off for at least 6 weeks so I?ve seen a few different people and there?s one guy covering her workload but I get the impression he?s super busy with the extra workload which is a shame as right now I feel like I could do with the extra support. But I do have an appointment tomorrow with a girl who?s temporarily working for Cgl that?s to discuss whether my dose needs to go up to 8mg which I think it does because I?m still suffering withdrawals. Then I have an appointment with the replacement worker on next Wednesday he?s coming to my house to check where I will store the meds once I can bring them home.
There?s definately a psychological aspect to all this. I get depression and the drugs lifted my depression. They made me feel really good and gave me lots of energy. I?m on anti depressants but the doctor told me that whilst I?m drinking alcohol the anti-d are pretty much useless as alcohol is a depressant.
This morning I felt terrible again but feeling relatively normal after day 3 of the new drugs I?m even building up to going out to do my side job of helping out a lady with housework and gardening.
Maybe I should start a new thread about my journey on subutex? As I don?t think anyone is reading my posts apart from you chinup and I really appreciate your replies so thank you again xx
I don?t know what to think about my husband he and I are going through a rough patch as we often do, he?s not said much at all in reply to my codeine problem he didn?t seem shocked so either he already knew or he doesn?t realise how much of a problem it really is.
 
Top