CrowLives
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jan 24, 2019
- Messages
- 34
Hi bluelight, I'm Sky.
I prefer to be a bit anonymous for now but there are hints already as to my identity, it wont matter though if you never interacted with me IRL.
I came to bluelight officially as of today or rather tonight if you count not sleeping. Lol. I've come here as a guest before, searching for tips or in need of quiet reading pertaining to how to relax for sleep mostly.
I have many intetests but my three major passions would be; loving my close friends/family humbly and with just the right amount of required pride, cooking and or creating food that touches your soul beyond usual satiation or palet usual, the freedom I envoke by expressing myself artistically while wearing yet communioned within inline skates in spiritual yet graceful expressive vertigo.
Chaos Majik was conditioned according to reading, lucid dreaming(without the knowledge that this had a term), meditation that took a while to appreciate and so it happened that i transitioned my spiritual beliefs from "native trachings and spirituality " to a touch of "unknown to any recollection of human practice or conscious collective of doctrine, organization, house of worship, etc." It even is still(expansion never stopped as long as i thirst for the quench of new spirit and mind expanding tools). It is a humble part of me that only few close enough to me know and likely none understand. It's
an interesting experience that developed with time and patience never even imagined in such a short time period. I humbly admit that i was not so much against the whole idea of occult Majik but i thought the claims that individual's made were not serious practice but a module to be intentionally "subcultured" , "Against the mainstream" or even comparable to "the geek for years but just turned Goth overnight come highschool as a method for any kind of attentionon or recognition "I'm so inspired i had the new school Chaos Star tattooed over a much overdue ex's scribbled over nic name, located on my left inside wrist/forearm. *ill show you a pic if you ask*.
The point is that shit changes, nothing is certain but acceptance to new ideas and seeking thrills in the non traditional way is only going to reep rewards. Think outside the box, some things need growth for their energy to charge then later manifest their reward/treat. Loose what "they" tell, entertain, inform or so called educate you. Listen to your heart and allow your spirit to venture in order to unknowingly discover and unlock the universe for you. This is all you, succumb to a lost instinct. We all naturally know right from wrong but mainstream culture continues to self destruct, i rather like me and my close too's. I believe in reincarnation but if you dont thats fine; however, would you not like to die with knowing you had more memories than physical wealth? ...memories never leave the chasm of your sub or main life processing thingy you and i call a brain for now.
I was born in North Bay, Ontario, Canada. I grew up in Toronto from two years old onwards, until i left to Alberta at age 23 to pursue a reinvention of myself or rather a spiritual path not yet recognized or predicted in extremity. I returned to Toronto after 5 years between; Edmonton, Calgary and then Grande Cache Federal Penitentiary. I was estranged from my family for 4 of the years.
Near the end of my Albertan years i lived in a sober living/rehab community away from a major city and the nearest town populated by less than a thousand for one year. I'll always value that time experienced as education without monetary cost. As well as personal yet ambiguous spiritual growth.
Growing up in a generational addiction phenomenon, I surpassed the sage of what those in my family would never dare to explore. I often feel as though I'm disconected from reality in the way that the truth is always my enlightenment. Whether it's percieved as negative, positive or neutral. The truth to me is the true path to peace and harmony without the over indulgment of modern illusions. Sentiment holds higher in spirit than any material charade or trophy.
What has happened to humanity? We were not always like this and this i feel in my essence of my consciousness and heart. Am I abusing substance too hard or am i even still using? I'm no troll, catfish, shill and i have no agenda but to be safe and understand better. Im always improving, im never satisfied with my growth but i recognize the improvements and upgrades I've made. I was once abused in somewhat of a tradition without consent.
He wasn'teven my father but i was made to call him dad for as long as i can remember (2). The blood father i had never met, i did at 19 years old as a b day present. i cleverly asked my mother for connection to meet dad ,yet my mother would never admit i am the black sheep oldest in shame amongst 4 but she hints my alternatve thinking and lifestyle is unique. Ron(step dad), always knew this day would arrive.
Once i faced and habitat endured with my blood father and his GF of a few years, it hurt to know that my real father would turn out to be worse than i had heard. I remembered growing up that he was portrayed as a raging alcoholic and spousal abuser. A man not to be around when drinks were abused, yet he would encounter those quite often that surpassed a challenge and for that he must have faced chronic emasculation. He abused my mother in many ways; he tried to murder his children, his young boy and girl with mother in the bath tub. Both my sister and i have hearing impairment that doctor's have expressed in consideration to extreme childhood trauma as mother descibed, is theoretically a probable factor.
While such an aggressive and of course sensless maniac, influenced and out of regular consciousness, he is quite the opposite of such in sobriety. He was soft and often low spoken, timid in the slightest to notice if you were around enough. Not very much action and or rhetoric towards goals and or ambition. He and i shared few physical traits; noticably, was how we both stood and walked, he was naturally and obviously conditioned to hold his posture as if he were ready for labour yet not too confident for leadership. At the time i didnt think about the detail i mentionand, more so had the feeling when warranted that we were opposites.
In the short time i knew him i had become lathargic as to how i was compared to him growing up, how lacking in dominant masculinity he was, how the only thing that gave him balls was alcohol amd yet even then he wasn't any real threat to the average man but he sure found his bad medicine in physically, loyaly, mentally and often ambiguously abusing his wife alongside indirect abuse towards his 2 toddler children....hmmm, forgot to mention that he secretly denies my full blooded sister as his.
With age my sister looks more like his sister and also somehow shares his cowardly mentality. At least shes a woman though right? I feel like masculinity through willful confrontation and having the old school testosterone drive arent as valid with women but guck me right? Im a bit of a right winger but not like any youve likely met before. My sister never met him and never had the courage to confront him on the denial politics....how is it possible right? How can she share his character flaws but was never exposed or influenced by him which would attribute in conditional effect? As my mother and i get closer i help her recognize this pitiful and sad inheritance.
I am quite the opposite, i intimidated him but even when i asked he denied and gaslighted me. He socially set up for me to look like an insane addict with no remorse and no code of ethics followed to any degree. Later he cowardly kicked me out without him there and had his GF do his dirty work*which she enjoyed* .mother already forshadowed everything just not in great detail. She did however mis predict me severely physically harming him. She described her thougbts as "it will get to you, you know you want to hurt him for all your hurt and suffering. He wasn't there for you guys for 17 years, he always knew where you were. If he just asked his family hed have the knowledge of contact information. it would've been longer had you not initiated contact." Every summer since 10 years old until 17 i saw my two cousins and Auntie Debbie and Uncle Richard , Auntie is his sister. No card's, no note, nothing at all. In fact as i got older and went to North Bay to visit my terminal step father about five years ago. Mr. Charles(Chuck) Langlois ironically had been in town and at the same time kissing his mother's ass and mooching off his brother. He had found out his dear older and rumored to be jacked son was also in town. over the years past our reuinion he had been told nasty stories about how far his son went down a highly destructive and unstable path, never once blaming anyone but himself in private. A four or five year or so estrangement with no one but new social connections, many just work colleagues that have never known pre Alberta Aubrey.*hint* He took the nearest hitch option that same night and i know this becausemy grandmother had said she was worried for his safety.and asked if i was sober.
Ill add to that upon request^
Im also bi polar and that alongside a buzz can put me in rant mode. All apologies.
I like drugs and have done all kinds. Im high on blow right now, or rather trying to come down. Weed isnt a drug but yeah i like my before bed toke. I booz way less than before but its still1-2 time event and not overdone.
I like people more than ever now. Ask and ill tell. Want a friend? Im down but with no bs attached either way.
Until next post...
I prefer to be a bit anonymous for now but there are hints already as to my identity, it wont matter though if you never interacted with me IRL.
I came to bluelight officially as of today or rather tonight if you count not sleeping. Lol. I've come here as a guest before, searching for tips or in need of quiet reading pertaining to how to relax for sleep mostly.
I have many intetests but my three major passions would be; loving my close friends/family humbly and with just the right amount of required pride, cooking and or creating food that touches your soul beyond usual satiation or palet usual, the freedom I envoke by expressing myself artistically while wearing yet communioned within inline skates in spiritual yet graceful expressive vertigo.
Chaos Majik was conditioned according to reading, lucid dreaming(without the knowledge that this had a term), meditation that took a while to appreciate and so it happened that i transitioned my spiritual beliefs from "native trachings and spirituality " to a touch of "unknown to any recollection of human practice or conscious collective of doctrine, organization, house of worship, etc." It even is still(expansion never stopped as long as i thirst for the quench of new spirit and mind expanding tools). It is a humble part of me that only few close enough to me know and likely none understand. It's
an interesting experience that developed with time and patience never even imagined in such a short time period. I humbly admit that i was not so much against the whole idea of occult Majik but i thought the claims that individual's made were not serious practice but a module to be intentionally "subcultured" , "Against the mainstream" or even comparable to "the geek for years but just turned Goth overnight come highschool as a method for any kind of attentionon or recognition "I'm so inspired i had the new school Chaos Star tattooed over a much overdue ex's scribbled over nic name, located on my left inside wrist/forearm. *ill show you a pic if you ask*.
The point is that shit changes, nothing is certain but acceptance to new ideas and seeking thrills in the non traditional way is only going to reep rewards. Think outside the box, some things need growth for their energy to charge then later manifest their reward/treat. Loose what "they" tell, entertain, inform or so called educate you. Listen to your heart and allow your spirit to venture in order to unknowingly discover and unlock the universe for you. This is all you, succumb to a lost instinct. We all naturally know right from wrong but mainstream culture continues to self destruct, i rather like me and my close too's. I believe in reincarnation but if you dont thats fine; however, would you not like to die with knowing you had more memories than physical wealth? ...memories never leave the chasm of your sub or main life processing thingy you and i call a brain for now.
I was born in North Bay, Ontario, Canada. I grew up in Toronto from two years old onwards, until i left to Alberta at age 23 to pursue a reinvention of myself or rather a spiritual path not yet recognized or predicted in extremity. I returned to Toronto after 5 years between; Edmonton, Calgary and then Grande Cache Federal Penitentiary. I was estranged from my family for 4 of the years.
Near the end of my Albertan years i lived in a sober living/rehab community away from a major city and the nearest town populated by less than a thousand for one year. I'll always value that time experienced as education without monetary cost. As well as personal yet ambiguous spiritual growth.
Growing up in a generational addiction phenomenon, I surpassed the sage of what those in my family would never dare to explore. I often feel as though I'm disconected from reality in the way that the truth is always my enlightenment. Whether it's percieved as negative, positive or neutral. The truth to me is the true path to peace and harmony without the over indulgment of modern illusions. Sentiment holds higher in spirit than any material charade or trophy.
What has happened to humanity? We were not always like this and this i feel in my essence of my consciousness and heart. Am I abusing substance too hard or am i even still using? I'm no troll, catfish, shill and i have no agenda but to be safe and understand better. Im always improving, im never satisfied with my growth but i recognize the improvements and upgrades I've made. I was once abused in somewhat of a tradition without consent.
He wasn'teven my father but i was made to call him dad for as long as i can remember (2). The blood father i had never met, i did at 19 years old as a b day present. i cleverly asked my mother for connection to meet dad ,yet my mother would never admit i am the black sheep oldest in shame amongst 4 but she hints my alternatve thinking and lifestyle is unique. Ron(step dad), always knew this day would arrive.
Once i faced and habitat endured with my blood father and his GF of a few years, it hurt to know that my real father would turn out to be worse than i had heard. I remembered growing up that he was portrayed as a raging alcoholic and spousal abuser. A man not to be around when drinks were abused, yet he would encounter those quite often that surpassed a challenge and for that he must have faced chronic emasculation. He abused my mother in many ways; he tried to murder his children, his young boy and girl with mother in the bath tub. Both my sister and i have hearing impairment that doctor's have expressed in consideration to extreme childhood trauma as mother descibed, is theoretically a probable factor.
While such an aggressive and of course sensless maniac, influenced and out of regular consciousness, he is quite the opposite of such in sobriety. He was soft and often low spoken, timid in the slightest to notice if you were around enough. Not very much action and or rhetoric towards goals and or ambition. He and i shared few physical traits; noticably, was how we both stood and walked, he was naturally and obviously conditioned to hold his posture as if he were ready for labour yet not too confident for leadership. At the time i didnt think about the detail i mentionand, more so had the feeling when warranted that we were opposites.
In the short time i knew him i had become lathargic as to how i was compared to him growing up, how lacking in dominant masculinity he was, how the only thing that gave him balls was alcohol amd yet even then he wasn't any real threat to the average man but he sure found his bad medicine in physically, loyaly, mentally and often ambiguously abusing his wife alongside indirect abuse towards his 2 toddler children....hmmm, forgot to mention that he secretly denies my full blooded sister as his.
With age my sister looks more like his sister and also somehow shares his cowardly mentality. At least shes a woman though right? I feel like masculinity through willful confrontation and having the old school testosterone drive arent as valid with women but guck me right? Im a bit of a right winger but not like any youve likely met before. My sister never met him and never had the courage to confront him on the denial politics....how is it possible right? How can she share his character flaws but was never exposed or influenced by him which would attribute in conditional effect? As my mother and i get closer i help her recognize this pitiful and sad inheritance.
I am quite the opposite, i intimidated him but even when i asked he denied and gaslighted me. He socially set up for me to look like an insane addict with no remorse and no code of ethics followed to any degree. Later he cowardly kicked me out without him there and had his GF do his dirty work*which she enjoyed* .mother already forshadowed everything just not in great detail. She did however mis predict me severely physically harming him. She described her thougbts as "it will get to you, you know you want to hurt him for all your hurt and suffering. He wasn't there for you guys for 17 years, he always knew where you were. If he just asked his family hed have the knowledge of contact information. it would've been longer had you not initiated contact." Every summer since 10 years old until 17 i saw my two cousins and Auntie Debbie and Uncle Richard , Auntie is his sister. No card's, no note, nothing at all. In fact as i got older and went to North Bay to visit my terminal step father about five years ago. Mr. Charles(Chuck) Langlois ironically had been in town and at the same time kissing his mother's ass and mooching off his brother. He had found out his dear older and rumored to be jacked son was also in town. over the years past our reuinion he had been told nasty stories about how far his son went down a highly destructive and unstable path, never once blaming anyone but himself in private. A four or five year or so estrangement with no one but new social connections, many just work colleagues that have never known pre Alberta Aubrey.*hint* He took the nearest hitch option that same night and i know this becausemy grandmother had said she was worried for his safety.and asked if i was sober.
Ill add to that upon request^
Im also bi polar and that alongside a buzz can put me in rant mode. All apologies.
I like drugs and have done all kinds. Im high on blow right now, or rather trying to come down. Weed isnt a drug but yeah i like my before bed toke. I booz way less than before but its still1-2 time event and not overdone.
I like people more than ever now. Ask and ill tell. Want a friend? Im down but with no bs attached either way.
Until next post...
