Mental Health New here, here's my story.

[Edu-85]

So I will start by saying I've dealt with and had anxiety since I could remember like 6 yrs old or younger. Although at the time I didn't realize that's what my issue was.

During my teen years I was symptom free.

About age 19 my anxiety comes back. I ended up in the ER multiple times thinking I was dying that second. Once they got it through to me that it was anxiety, it made sense that that is what I was dealing with when I was young. Anyway, I learned to deal with my anxiety. I still get bouts of it, but I'm able to control my reaction a bit better.

Fast forward to about 30 yrs old and my anxiety seems to have morphed to depression. Some bouts have been very bad. Where I had a bottle of whiskey and a bottle of pills and was on the edge. What keeps me going is my kids. The thought of me ruining their psyche by killing myself keeps me alive for now.

I am a neurotic person. By the very definition. I think that plays a role in my mental health and substance use.

I have turned to substances my whole life for relief. I look back and I was unknowinlgy self medicating. Mostly marijuana. I've smoked almost daily for quite some time now. Alcohol is good too, I just don't drink all that much. Not to say that at some times in my life, alcohol wasn't the antidepressant I turned to, cause it was. I just tend to not use the same substance for too long. Except weed. I recently had surgery, and in was Rx hydro and I do enjoy that of course.

I believe myself to be a fairly rational person. Not in denial about my flaws. Or my strengths.

I also know, I feel tortured inside. My mind is a place I wouldnt wish my worst enemy to be trapped. Mg depression runs deep, at an exxestential level. I know something needs to change, or something has to help me or, not that my days are numbered, but that I won't make it to old age.

I am now 33 yrs old. I am married to my wife of 15 years and our 3 daughters. I finally broke down and told a Dr. He put me on buspar 15mg 2x a day. It's been about a month and I honestly feel calmer. Less anxious. But my thoughts and the depression remain.

Anyway, sorry if this was longer than I meant it to be. It's just when you feel like I, we, do, there are very few people to open up to. So thank you.

 

[AlphaMethylPhenyl]

Hello there!

Thanks for reaching out. Your candor and objectivity will serve you well on the way to recovery!

I think it's awesome that buspar seems to be working for you, at least somewhat. It doesn't produce the huge dependence that benzos (like Valium, Ativan, and Xanax) create. That said, if you don't self-medicate and fully engage in treatment, it may be something of great value. But you should know that benzos are not used much at all long-term in North/West Europe, as opposed to in the states. They won't ever feel like the first month or two. As psych meds are meant to, they will drop to the background. This doesn't mean they stop working!

Also, SSRIs can be invaluable medications for anxiety mixed with depression (I am lucky to have responded favorably to one!). Sometimes antipsychotics can also be useful--trust me, you likely won't be on the sort of dose or sort of medication given for schizophrenia.

It's a truth that your doctor will be happier treating you if you abstain from self-medication. When it comes to weed, well many can't see that it harms them, and that their life would actually be better without it. Not everyone, but I'd say the majority that use it for self-medication.

Do you see a trusted therapist weekly? I couldn't imagine how much better I felt immediately after seeing a therapist after not being able to for a long, long time. Group therapy has a unique dynamic to it that can also be of very great use. Otherwise, exercise and meditation, meek as they may sound, are necessary for my daily function. Your health comes first! Then, you can tend to others. Do you have any pets? What sort of hobbies do you have?

If you don't mind saying, what kind of relationships do you have with your daughters and wife?

Assuming you're in the US, this is the suicide hotline: 1-800-273-8255. There are a ton of super awesome reasons to continue in this life.

You go ahead and write as long a post as ya want! Looking forward to your response!

 

[Edu-85]

Thanks for taking the time to respond.

I don't see a therapist. My doctor sent a recommendation, but all I can do now is wait for them to call me. Which could be never.

I would like to see someone. I have always been this way. I don't know if I was just born this way, or if I have some event I'm blocking out.

I know exercise can help, I usually exercise regularly, but I'm off my feet due to surgery right now.

My relationship with my wife and daughters is great. Couldn't ask for anything different there.

Hobbies wise I'm a sports guy. Watching, playing, coaching.

Anyway, thanks for the resource and the advice.

 

[swilow]

Ah mate, well do I know the feeling of the mental prison- or what feels like a mental prison. I've had severe anxiety and depression since i was young too, and I dealt with it by taking opiates and benzos and made the condition 100 times worse plus a 10 year opiate addiction.

Okay, so that didn't work. No meds I've tried have worked, they either have side effects or simply poop out too quickly. Nothing I've ever put into my body has made my problems better- the only impact has been a worsening if anything. For me, it's been CBT that has helped. With CBT, the onus is on you but there is sound reasoning and empirical evidence for this treatment working. The fact is that our thoughts might feel hard to control and the mind my feel frightening and hostile but you get to choose how you respond to this. You can choose to react and be overwhelmed or you can take a step back and ask yourself whether what you are thinking is 'true. Is it based in reality or are you projecting fears into the future and regrets onto the past?

I highly urge you to investigate cognitive distortions- these are common ways in which we misjudge situations or exaggerate them. The good news is that you learn throughout your life and you can relearn more reasonable reactions to what life throws at you.

Medication can be useful in the short term but they do not work forever. For me, my depression and anxiety got so bad that it felt like suicide was the only answer. The real answer is that I accidentally 'thought my way into this and I can damn well think my way out. I'm basically clean and relatively happy now.

Don't be hard on yourself, life is hard enough. Be gentle to yourself in the way you would your children. You can escape this situation and you already have the means to do so. Therapy with a trained professional is what I would suggest, and a desire to get "better".

Hit us back or feel free to PM me

 

[Edu-85]

Hey, thanks for replying.

I am interested in CBT I'm waiting on my referral to the therapist to go through.

It's funny you say don't be hard on yourself. I'm harder on myself than anyone else would ever be to me. That's one of my issues.

Anyway, thanks for replying feel free anytime!

 

[cj]

I'm sorry your going through all this. I know it's really shitty. If you find yourself making a plan to kill yourself then go to the hospital. Thats nothing to fuck around with.

I'm glad buspar is helping. Wellbutrin really helped my depression but I know what drug will work is very individual. I guess the key is don't give up because it's very likely something is going to work. And when it does and the depression lifts it's a really beautiful thing.

Keep us updated on how you feel. We aren't therapists but we are here to listen and try to help.

 

[Edu-85]

I'm sorry your going through all this. I know it's really shitty. If you find yourself making a plan to kill yourself then go to the hospital. Thats nothing to fuck around with.

I'm glad buspar is helping. Wellbutrin really helped my depression but I know what drug will work is very individual. I guess the key is don't give up because it's very likely something is going to work. And when it does and the depression lifts it's a really beautiful thing.

Keep us updated on how you feel. We aren't therapists but we are here to listen and try to help.

Thank you! I appreciate the support. Lately I've been doing a bit better. Like I said, the buspirone has seemed to help a bit.

I'm just hoping to earn CBT as well.

 

[cj]

It sounds like your going in the right direction! Feeling better takes time and work but the bennefits are worth it