So I will start by saying I've dealt with and had anxiety since I could remember like 6 yrs old or younger. Although at the time I didn't realize that's what my issue was.
During my teen years I was symptom free.
About age 19 my anxiety comes back. I ended up in the ER multiple times thinking I was dying that second. Once they got it through to me that it was anxiety, it made sense that that is what I was dealing with when I was young. Anyway, I learned to deal with my anxiety. I still get bouts of it, but I'm able to control my reaction a bit better.
Fast forward to about 30 yrs old and my anxiety seems to have morphed to depression. Some bouts have been very bad. Where I had a bottle of whiskey and a bottle of pills and was on the edge. What keeps me going is my kids. The thought of me ruining their psyche by killing myself keeps me alive for now.
I am a neurotic person. By the very definition. I think that plays a role in my mental health and substance use.
I have turned to substances my whole life for relief. I look back and I was unknowinlgy self medicating. Mostly marijuana. I've smoked almost daily for quite some time now. Alcohol is good too, I just don't drink all that much. Not to say that at some times in my life, alcohol wasn't the antidepressant I turned to, cause it was. I just tend to not use the same substance for too long. Except weed. I recently had surgery, and in was Rx hydro and I do enjoy that of course.
I believe myself to be a fairly rational person. Not in denial about my flaws. Or my strengths.
I also know, I feel tortured inside. My mind is a place I wouldnt wish my worst enemy to be trapped. Mg depression runs deep, at an exxestential level. I know something needs to change, or something has to help me or, not that my days are numbered, but that I won't make it to old age.
I am now 33 yrs old. I am married to my wife of 15 years and our 3 daughters. I finally broke down and told a Dr. He put me on buspar 15mg 2x a day. It's been about a month and I honestly feel calmer. Less anxious. But my thoughts and the depression remain.
Anyway, sorry if this was longer than I meant it to be. It's just when you feel like I, we, do, there are very few people to open up to. So thank you.
During my teen years I was symptom free.
About age 19 my anxiety comes back. I ended up in the ER multiple times thinking I was dying that second. Once they got it through to me that it was anxiety, it made sense that that is what I was dealing with when I was young. Anyway, I learned to deal with my anxiety. I still get bouts of it, but I'm able to control my reaction a bit better.
Fast forward to about 30 yrs old and my anxiety seems to have morphed to depression. Some bouts have been very bad. Where I had a bottle of whiskey and a bottle of pills and was on the edge. What keeps me going is my kids. The thought of me ruining their psyche by killing myself keeps me alive for now.
I am a neurotic person. By the very definition. I think that plays a role in my mental health and substance use.
I have turned to substances my whole life for relief. I look back and I was unknowinlgy self medicating. Mostly marijuana. I've smoked almost daily for quite some time now. Alcohol is good too, I just don't drink all that much. Not to say that at some times in my life, alcohol wasn't the antidepressant I turned to, cause it was. I just tend to not use the same substance for too long. Except weed. I recently had surgery, and in was Rx hydro and I do enjoy that of course.
I believe myself to be a fairly rational person. Not in denial about my flaws. Or my strengths.
I also know, I feel tortured inside. My mind is a place I wouldnt wish my worst enemy to be trapped. Mg depression runs deep, at an exxestential level. I know something needs to change, or something has to help me or, not that my days are numbered, but that I won't make it to old age.
I am now 33 yrs old. I am married to my wife of 15 years and our 3 daughters. I finally broke down and told a Dr. He put me on buspar 15mg 2x a day. It's been about a month and I honestly feel calmer. Less anxious. But my thoughts and the depression remain.
Anyway, sorry if this was longer than I meant it to be. It's just when you feel like I, we, do, there are very few people to open up to. So thank you.