keeping a lie, can this work out for me?

[aloneinthevoid]

So i've been dating this girl for 7 months. She's great, I really enjoy being with her and honestly I don't want to move on. I've never really had a problem not lying before, this is my first real shot at an actual relationship so clearly I'm screwing up in some aspects, but I never thought it would be in the honesty department. My story starts at the fact that I LOVE smoking pot. She didn't really like that but she's cool and tolerated it for a while, but then I got in some legal trouble and had to stop for a while. I was hooked on the shit though, So when I was supposed to have stopped I would slip every here and there and smoke, but I would hide it from her knowing she would get mad and start distrusting me. Lo and behold it came off as me lying to her and all this stuff and it eventually led to the ultimatum, quit smoking and drinking or we're done. I love this girl a lot, I have no problem doing that for us. Whatever, I can sober up. I've been 99% sober since I agreed to be (with the exception of 1 beer that I drank to myself after I agreed to stop) I haven't touched anything. but there was a period of time before we started having all these trust issues where I went to Memphis,TN to record an album with a band I was jamming with and I told her I wasn't going to smoke but I totally did (I hadn't yet agreed to be completely sober) and she asked me last night If I did and I totally lied about it. I know the right thing should be to have told her the truth but I couldn't get myself to do it and risk that confrontation and possible argument and creating more trust issues. There's a super small chance she'll actually find out the truth but I just want to know can I be in a relationship with this little secret of mine and continue going on being happy? I'm genuinely stopping everything and not creating anymore tension for us, but is it possible to take this to my grave? I just need some assurance that it's possible for things to play out and not totally collapse on me...

 

[neversickanymore]

Can we hear the real story? I'm not trying to fuck with you, but addiction is a mind game we play and often loose with ourselves. Why do you feel you need to quit completely and what's making you lie to your lady? of course answer this if you wish and I propose this only for your benefit.

 

[Mafioso]

By committing to a lie, you potentially have to keep telling lies to cover for the first lie until you get caught, get away with it, or come clean. It sounds like you understand why lying is bad and all that, but maybe feel ashamed about succumbing to your desires(relapsing) so lie so you don't have to deal with it?

Assuming you never relapse or use any drugs again, this lie would probably be easily dismissed and trust rebuilt once you can continually pass a drug test, so any time she brings your sobriety into question you can just provide evidence and remove any reason to argue or doubt.

Of course, if this is not an isolated incident and does continue to occasionally happen, this type of lie could potentially lead to mistrust that eventually ends the relationship. Most people are far more tolerant towards honesty rather than deception. It's much easier to understand where you are coming from if someone can trust you completely rather than potentially doubting every word.

Honestly, I could understand why she would leave you for lying, but it'd be kind of silly in my mind if she left for taking a few rips of a joint as it was being passed around. Just my opinion though.

 

[Xorkoth]

I was with my ex wife for 12 years. We smoked weed together (she liked weed more than I did), but she thought psychedelics and other drugs were immature and stupid. In college she would get kinda mad at me when I'd do them but I would tell her about it, I rarely did other drugs then. She sort of put up with it. Then after college she told me "you're not allowed to do these anymore". However, psychedelics were important to me, and still are, so I did them, behind her back. I would lie by omission and sometimes actively lie if she suspected something. I ended up building a house of lies over the course of the next 8 years. I got really good at it, it became second nature. Of course it made me start to really dislike myself, inside, because I knew it was wrong. I rationalized it by telling myself that she was disrespecting me (she was actually because she berated me for it and called me stupid and immature), and that she didn't have the right to dictate to me what I can and can't do (which I actually believe is true to this day). She could say "I don't like this, it makes me uncomfortable, could you please not do this?", rather than "You better not ever do that again, it's stupid, I forbid it". Eventually she found out after many years and the whole thing exploded in terrible ways. She never trusted me again and I don't blame her because I had built a double life for the better part of a decade. It wasn't one like it was thousands over the years. It really hurt her, and it really hurt me, too. I started to not even remember what was real anymore. It was no way to live.

The moral of my story is, if you're going to keep doing it sometimes behind her back, it is unsustainable and you will get caught up and it'll be bad. IMO there's no way anyone can long-term maintain a life of lies. And even if you could, the toll it takes on you is awful.

If you plan to never do it again, then I think you don't need to tell her and just take this as a learning experience. There would be no point in telling her if it's not going to be a problem going forward, because it's only going to hurt her and undermine her trust in you.

IMO, you should think about what this means to you. For me, I determined after my ex and I broke up (and in my case it was a good thing because looking back she was very controlling and abusive and we fought all the time) that there are plenty of women who will accept me for who I am and won't try to change me... drugs are a part of my life and I found someone since then who sometimes does them with me and supports me even when she doesn't, and it makes my life a whole lot better. I guess you just need to think about your priorities and how much you want to change for someone.

 

[aloneinthevoid]

I guess real story, in short, i got in a bar fight and went to jail for a few days about a month into the relationship and since then she has kind of seen me as a little kid and basically thinks I can't handle my shit when that was literally the only time that has ever happened in my adult life of partying/recreational use of substances, so she wanted me to quit cold turkey with everything. needless to say, internally, I wasn't ready to give up that part of my life just yet and would do it here and there, so when i did do it (strictly drinking or smoking bud) and I would tell her about it she would make me feel like she was super disappointed in me, for whatever reason. she says she "wants to see me do better" and "watch me be my best version of myself" which, I guess in her eyes, is me when I'm sober. And I get that. But it eventually led to me wanting to do those things every now and then, but afraid of disappointing her that made me feel the need to lie and hide it from her. She's a super good girl and I want her in my life, and I've come clean about literally almost everything with the exception of the things I explained in my original post, I really honestly intend on quitting and not lying to her about anything again, I haven't smoked or drank in a month and I don't plan on doing anything until I know that the coast is clear, but I just want some assurance that if I hold this back from her and stay good will it just die over? is it possible to just let it go and not have to worry about it? I'm pretty sure I can get away with it but I have a conscience ya know? I keep having this scenario of me coming clean about it far far in the future years after we've been together for years and years and I think that'll work? what do you think man?

 

[Mafioso]

Idk, I think if you really care about her you'll have trouble forgetting/not worrying about it even if you get away with it. You'll always know you lied, and if she says anything like "hey i'm proud of you for not smoking/drinking for so long" you'll feel like she punched you in the gut, then you'll have to lie with your emotions and pretend youre happy she said that, maybe make up some more lies, or come clean.

 

[Shady's Fox]

Depends

it can be transformed into reality

 

[Xorkoth]

Like I said, in my opinion anyway I think if you really do quit now and don't keep hiding further uses, you don't need to tell her. IMO, it won't really accomplish anything or serve any purpose because you've achieved the goal that you were going for now. Bringing up a past incident will not change the reality of the present, but it will cause her to feel pain and put a seed of mistrust in there. It's really your burden to bear, not hers. It's either you live with some pain for a while (maybe, if it were me and I was actually totally clean going forward I wouldn't feel too bad about hiding one time getting high in the past), or you release that pain and instead give it to her. Now, if you are going to keep slipping up, you should tell her because you'll end up having to live a lie and that's no good for anyone.

If you do feel you need to tell her, it might not be so bad though... I mean basically you did slip up once, a month ago, but haven't since. It seems to me she should be proud of that. But you know her and I don't. Basically the gist of what I'm saying is that you should save her the pain and mistrust if you can. So if telling her you slipped up once a month ago is going to cause that, I don't think it's worth telling her, since it has no bearing on the present.

 

[Tonberry King]

Seems to me that the pot smoking is secondary to the FACT that you deceived her about it. If she tolerated it before you got into trouble...ask yourself what changed. Were there ever any ultimatums before you proved yourself a liar to those that you supposedly love? You lie to a real person over an inanimate thing; which she most likely perceives as a threat to her overall happiness now that you've gone to lengths to be dishonest. There are rules to relationships that you might have never been schooled on. Possibly the biggest being trust. Do you see where I'm going here?

Am I seeing this situation clearly?

 

[Asclepius]

So i've been dating this girl for 7 months. She's great, I really enjoy being with her and honestly I don't want to move on. I've never really had a problem not lying before, this is my first real shot at an actual relationship so clearly I'm screwing up in some aspects, but I never thought it would be in the honesty department. My story starts at the fact that I LOVE smoking pot. She didn't really like that but she's cool and tolerated it for a while, but then I got in some legal trouble and had to stop for a while. I was hooked on the shit though, So when I was supposed to have stopped I would slip every here and there and smoke, but I would hide it from her knowing she would get mad and start distrusting me. Lo and behold it came off as me lying to her and all this stuff and it eventually led to the ultimatum, quit smoking and drinking or we're done. I love this girl a lot, I have no problem doing that for us. Whatever, I can sober up. I've been 99% sober since I agreed to be (with the exception of 1 beer that I drank to myself after I agreed to stop) I haven't touched anything. but there was a period of time before we started having all these trust issues where I went to Memphis,TN to record an album with a band I was jamming with and I told her I wasn't going to smoke but I totally did (I hadn't yet agreed to be completely sober) and she asked me last night If I did and I totally lied about it. I know the right thing should be to have told her the truth but I couldn't get myself to do it and risk that confrontation and possible argument and creating more trust issues. There's a super small chance she'll actually find out the truth but I just want to know can I be in a relationship with this little secret of mine and continue going on being happy? I'm genuinely stopping everything and not creating anymore tension for us, but is it possible to take this to my grave? I just need some assurance that it's possible for things to play out and not totally collapse on me...

It has nothing to do with the pot- its about your character and whether you respect your present SO or whether you get a power-trip out of deceiving your SO. Which reflects on you, i.e. are you deceiving yourself...probably are. If you are unhappy leave, but dont delude yourself by 'relationship/true-love propganda', or by your own childish rebellion - there is a time when you have to make decisions based on what is right for you and for the other person, rather than cowering and shrivelling into victimhood.

simples.

Its a 7 mth relationship - that is nothing. If you are in a relationship wanting to hide yourself and not prove yourself - that is going to do yourself a disservice in the SO dept - as AGAIN - its a test of character - if you are being deceitful toward your SO - it signifies your development in maturity Learn from it dont inflate your ego and be an idiot for the next ten years - there are people wiser than you that dont do that and learn - whatever you choose - learn from it - dont be an idiot caught in the fog of stupid complacency). Mature people and Men know how tough life is - protect their partner ( the one they choose)- if/when they are ready), as a test, for the future -dont shirk into self absorbtion and cave into yourself and run from Mommy and daddy - i.e. projecting your parents onto your SO. You sound like you have a bit of growing-up to do and mental/emotional skills learning (maybe you need Time out - maybe you need to cop-on to sense - maybe a bit of time to integrate both) . IF you need time to incubate in your own self-absorbtion -do - the world and society moves on with/without you. It is wise to build foundations for yourself, as once you awaken from the immaturity; youll find that no one gives a shit about you and all the games youve been playing are not fruitious. If your SO has your back you may get more chances/you may not - thats your gamble. The world/society is indifferent to how much you want to get away with anything - its fucking you over every second you spend a petty thought on playing a petty game of, ' do you think I could get away with'.

Good luck with growing up. I hope for your sake, it happens sooner, rather than later and enjoy yourself but stop shitting yourself. These are difficult decisions no doubt but nothing worthwhile is/was ever easy.

There is nothing wrong with feeling wrong. If you have life-stuff that you cant handle and dont want to disclose to your SO, then go easy on yourself and think and feel about what you need to do for you. The inflation we get from a relationship is temporary and we want to keep it, but if you need to deal with yourself, it is better to take time to deal with yourself (relationships arent all their cracked-up to be either; the ego boosts fades and we get stuck with being ourselves around people we tried so hard to impress and the game fades - unless it is a time when it works - which is based on chance tbh). Just dont hide in a relationship or, in a substance as eventually it will come out.

Mind yourself

 

[DrGonzo899]

Be honest, if you truly want to quit, quit but not for her. If you still want to use tell her this and tell her she needs to help you find some sot of compromise y'all can both live with or you aren't right for each other.

 

[DrGonzo899]

If she can't handle this and thinks that ol stupid "he has to choose between me and the drugs" shit, then dye is not right for you. This is a completely self centered argument but know that it stems from the fact that you are being dishonest with her about you're use. Had you not hid it from her and Agreed to her dictating your life like a child you wouldn't be in this position. Yeah sometimes it's easier to just agree and stop the argument but if that's not the truth hen you're only in for trouble later.

 

[fairnymph]

I've been the girl in this situation, repeatedly with long term polydrug addicts, in all 3 of my serious long term relationships (yeah, I know, I make some bad choices). I also made the same ultimatum, multiple times with each man, though only once did I actually break up with the man over it, & I wasn't ever fully in love with him anyway. I could talk at length about how my experiences if you think it would help you to hear my perspective & responses.

Do you think this girl really wants to know the full truth? Many people say they want honesty & nothing but the truth, but they actually can't handle it and would be happier if they remained ignorant. But some people, like I, can handle it & really do want true & complete honesty, no matter how unpleasant & hurtful it might be. As best as you can gauge, how much does she value brutal honesty?

If she's like me, I think you should be completely honest, about all past lies/omissions/deceptions that affect her or you know she'd care about, & obviously in the future. I also really think, regardless of whether she can handle full honesty, that you should have her talk to me over PM or via email, so that I can fully understand her perspective & whether she really means her ultimatum or she's just bluffing, or if she not actually sure whether she'd follow through on it or not. I know I mostly/often wasn't really willing to dump my partners, but I thought my threats would help me get my way. I've since learned that I was usually fooling myself & being unfair to them, & ironically, not completely honest. By talking to your girl I think I can help you both determine what you really feel & want, & resolve the crux of this problem.

As others have said, you need to assess whether you are being honest with both yourself & her. What do you actually want & what are you actually willing to do, or not do. If she didn't care about your drug use at all, how would that affect your actions/future plans?

It is almost always best, IMO, to be as honest as possible in any type of important relationship, but especially romance. Nothing is more essential to a long term romantic relationship's health than trust & its other half, respect. They go hand in hand and are the foundation of the relationship upon which everything else relies. When you break someone's trust, it is very difficult, sometimes even impossible, to ever regain it & her full respect. And when you repeatedly betray someone in this manner, the destructive effects grow exponentially. If you want to fix things, you have to understand the depth of pain she experiences from your behaviour, & want to change, not just for her, but for yourself & bc it's the right thing to do. Then follow through & be patient, bc while you can destroy a relationship in a second, rebuilding one after breaking that trust takes much, much longer - even potentially forever.

What could she do that would most betray your trust in her & make you respect her less, do you think? Spend some time thinking deeply about that & empathising with her. Try to imagine what you would do if she hurt you like you've hurt her. And don't underestimate the pain you've caused by promising to do better & failing - those broken promises are major betrayals on their own, beyond your actual drug use. There are multiple levels of damage here.

 

[aloneinthevoid]

nailed it man. that's exactly how it went down