• TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | Eligiu | deficiT

Mental Health Fallen into the pit of depression again

Cudi

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 25, 2015
Messages
186
At this point in my life, everything feels stagnant. I'm a junior in college and everything is gong fine in terms of academics. I made deans list last semester with seemingly little effort and rarely went to class. I'm in the honors program here too. But that's the issue, I never want to leave my apartment. I hate when I wake up because that means I have to go out and get something to eat or get groceries so I can make myself stuff. I hate going places and seeing people unless I'm drunk or on coke or on phenibut or adderall or something.

I don't use these things frequently, only sometimes. Only occasionally when I'm around people to try and ease my social discomfort. I have no idea what I want to do with my life and I know I need an internship soon but I'm dreading it. I'm dreading getting a real job and facing life overall. I have the feeling of just wanting to stay in my apartment, eat, play video games, and take some kind of downer to get rid of my anxiety. I could never see another person for 2 months and be fine with it.

I was addicted to xanax last january and that helped me tremendously with talking to people and feeling comfortable whenever I went out. Got off those and withdrawl'd it was terrible. I've tried anti-depressants, seen a psychiatrist, tried working out everyday (which helped a lot) but now I don't have the motivation or energy to go to the gym. My time management is awful and my sleep schedule is constantly reversed (going to bed around noon and waking up around 9pm and being up all night).

I don't like this schedule but don't wanna give the effort to fix it. I feel stuck. What the hell can I do to get out of this hole? The answer is to probably give effort and fix my schedule, but it doesn't seem possible right now. Part of me actually wants to get addicted to xanax again as fucked up as that sounds, I just can't afford it and don't wanna let everyone down who knows I've had a problem with that shit in the past. Don't know what to do and part of me just doesn't care.

edit: actually scratch that, i enjoy getting fucked up by myself, it's not just limited to being around people in a social situation. Drugs could be the problem or just what I'm using to try and fix the problem
 
I'll be short. I have same issues as you do only a bit worse. In my case it is because of drugs. Im trying to wean of 300 mg oxycodone per day which doesnt give me any high any more but at the same time I am getting addicted to gabapentin. Fuck man. It's now almost 1 am where I am but I can't sleep no way
 
You don't have to fix everything all at once. Pick one thing your going to do ecerymorning when you wake up. That will build your confidence and things won't seem so overwhelming
 
Hey Cudi. Your post sounded awful familiar. In particular, the desire to get addicted again, and the lack of motivation to make positive changes, ring very true with me. I make no presumptions about the roots of your problems, but maybe it's useful to mention that in my case, these feelings come from an irrational underlying belief that I'm worthless, incompetent, incapapble, broken.

Knowing that my beliefs about myself are irrational... that's borderline helpful at best =/ But it's better than nothing.

And I want to wholeheartedly back what cj said. Do one little, little, achievable thing. What's 'worked' for me (bad night here, cutting, hating, drinking, not really willing to admit that anything works at all)... What's worked for me is doing one tiny little thing at a time.

The one I started with was going to bed the same time every night. You go to bed about noon, right? So maybe (this is just a suggestion, I'm SO FUCKING FAR from qualified to give you advice here) maybe just try going to bed at EXACTLY noon, every night, for a week. If you do alright at that, try knocking it back to 11.30 for a week. Then 11. Try your best to pay attention to the benefits.

It'll probably be frustrating as fuck, you'll probably fail to stick to the time, get angry with yourself, feel guilty, feel pathetic or helpless or whatever your own special blend of misery entails... But I think cj is 100% right here. Just do a little thing. Just one. One TRULY little thing.

If you're reading this, then you're able to survive being as fucked up as you are. You're a lot stronger than you're probably giving yourself credit for.

Yeah. I don't know, mate. Like I say, I'm sitting here bleeding away, all cut up and resentful that I'm alive. I hear you. If nothing else, let me say hello from the bottom of the hole. Cunt of a place, no?

I love you, human. Persevere.
-Daniel
 
You don't have to fix everything all at once. Pick one thing your going to do ecerymorning when you wake up. That will build your confidence and things won't seem so overwhelming

^^^
One step at a time. Dont think big yet
 
If you're reading this, then you're able to survive being as fucked up as you are. You're a lot stronger than you're probably giving yourself credit for.

Yeah. I don't know, mate. Like I say, I'm sitting here bleeding away, all cut up and resentful that I'm alive. I hear you. If nothing else, let me say hello from the bottom of the hole. Cunt of a place, no?

I love you, human. Persevere.
-Daniel

Right on.

Much love to everyone here. You're not alone.
 
At this point in my life, everything feels stagnant. I'm a junior in college and everything is gong fine in terms of academics. I made deans list last semester with seemingly little effort and rarely went to class. I'm in the honors program here too. But that's the issue, I never want to leave my apartment. I hate when I wake up because that means I have to go out and get something to eat or get groceries so I can make myself stuff. I hate going places and seeing people unless I'm drunk or on coke or on phenibut or adderall or something.

I don't use these things frequently, only sometimes. Only occasionally when I'm around people to try and ease my social discomfort. I have no idea what I want to do with my life and I know I need an internship soon but I'm dreading it. I'm dreading getting a real job and facing life overall. I have the feeling of just wanting to stay in my apartment, eat, play video games, and take some kind of downer to get rid of my anxiety. I could never see another person for 2 months and be fine with it.

I was addicted to xanax last january and that helped me tremendously with talking to people and feeling comfortable whenever I went out. Got off those and withdrawl'd it was terrible. I've tried anti-depressants, seen a psychiatrist, tried working out everyday (which helped a lot) but now I don't have the motivation or energy to go to the gym. My time management is awful and my sleep schedule is constantly reversed (going to bed around noon and waking up around 9pm and being up all night).

I don't like this schedule but don't wanna give the effort to fix it. I feel stuck. What the hell can I do to get out of this hole? The answer is to probably give effort and fix my schedule, but it doesn't seem possible right now. Part of me actually wants to get addicted to xanax again as fucked up as that sounds, I just can't afford it and don't wanna let everyone down who knows I've had a problem with that shit in the past. Don't know what to do and part of me just doesn't care.

edit: actually scratch that, i enjoy getting fucked up by myself, it's not just limited to being around people in a social situation. Drugs could be the problem or just what I'm using to try and fix the problem
Welcome to reality, good of you to join us.

For most people, the straight and narrow is great because they can bumble through their mediocre existence without having to think too much and receive the validation they need to face the day via the approval of other drones like them.

If your finding your education not challenging enough and the prospect of a lifetime of drudgery unpalatable, the good news is that its quite sensible to be feeling that way.

You've been hiding from that world by getting high and staying home. You know where that leads though. Please don't do that, its beneath you - also we need more people who aren't mindless automatons functioning in everyday life.

The way out of the hole is to start living your life your own way and for your own reasons wherever you can. Challenge yourself with some self directed learning. Learn the alchemy of cooking and enjoy sometimes creating food you love, or tasty and nutritious everyday staples that are cheap but good quality.

Go for a walk, just to have a look around and observe from another perspective, experience the weather and air outside. Find a sport you enjoy to flex your competitive drives.

Social discomfort I found originated from being overly concerned about the fickle and irrelevant thoughts of the general public. You can work on reversing that mechanism by engaging socially in an experimental or amused manner. For instance, when you go to the shop set yourself the task of... say making small talk in the line. Or winking at one girl. Or challenge yourself to find a way to make a snob glare at you. Besides being something to do, it can shift your mind to your own frame and judgements rather than being left to perceive and weigh the judgements of others. Also remember that most people are so in their own world they barely notice anyone else and if they do, they almost immediately forget.

After a while your busy doing things you enjoy or amuse you and for your own reasons. Friends and girlfriends appear. There are too many other fruits to enjoy in your life that you loose interest in daily druggings. You will be better able to understand what direction to start your career in.

Take the world as your plaything and spend time enjoying it and mastering it in your own way. The weight of depression soon lifts if you can foster and hold onto that mindset.
 
Sorry if I offend someone, but I've been into very deep case of depression because of heavy pregabalin abuse (2g daY 5 months), depression went away only after 3 months. If I knew it never would go away or easier only a little I would go to Netherlands where you can get euthanasia, and they have given it to heavily depressed people. Life of depression is not worth living, it would be extremely selfish for any youre relatives to think that you shoul live like in uther hell every day. Death is solution to that. But gladly it cured, next time if I fall to that, I jsut end my days, no problem. Im talking about depression where absolutlty nothing gives you pleasure, you hope you would be in constant coma, you can get sleep for 12-16h with some neuroleptics but the waking hours will bee so torturish that fuck if I had a gun I would shoot myself to head.
 
Ne0 - A lot of us have been there too. There must be something that you're holding on to that prevents you from ending your life - i wonder what that is? For me, it is the possibility of new experiences and feelings. Even if i don't have the energy to do anything, i know that some day i will. Sometimes my desires for new experiences are dark, but there's no shame in fantasizing about absolutely anything to get yourself out of a depression. These fantasies often come up when i feel like i am losing control. My therapist always says, for someone who loves control, you sure are completely out of it. It makes me think. It makes me mad. But most importantly, it makes me experience my uncomfortable reality.

I find that depression can give us an outlook on life that allows us to reevaluate decisions and walk a different path, whereas when elated we tend to continue walking the same direction, blindly, until we hit a brick wall.

This may seem disjointed, but i hope it makes sense to someone.
 
Welcome to reality, good of you to join us.

For most people, the straight and narrow is great because they can bumble through their mediocre existence without having to think too much and receive the validation they need to face the day via the approval of other drones like them.

If your finding your education not challenging enough and the prospect of a lifetime of drudgery unpalatable, the good news is that its quite sensible to be feeling that way.

You've been hiding from that world by getting high and staying home. You know where that leads though. Please don't do that, its beneath you - also we need more people who aren't mindless automatons functioning in everyday life.

The way out of the hole is to start living your life your own way and for your own reasons wherever you can. Challenge yourself with some self directed learning. Learn the alchemy of cooking and enjoy sometimes creating food you love, or tasty and nutritious everyday staples that are cheap but good quality.

Go for a walk, just to have a look around and observe from another perspective, experience the weather and air outside. Find a sport you enjoy to flex your competitive drives.

Social discomfort I found originated from being overly concerned about the fickle and irrelevant thoughts of the general public. You can work on reversing that mechanism by engaging socially in an experimental or amused manner. For instance, when you go to the shop set yourself the task of... say making small talk in the line. Or winking at one girl. Or challenge yourself to find a way to make a snob glare at you. Besides being something to do, it can shift your mind to your own frame and judgements rather than being left to perceive and weigh the judgements of others. Also remember that most people are so in their own world they barely notice anyone else and if they do, they almost immediately forget.

After a while your busy doing things you enjoy or amuse you and for your own reasons. Friends and girlfriends appear. There are too many other fruits to enjoy in your life that you loose interest in daily druggings. You will be better able to understand what direction to start your career in.

Take the world as your plaything and spend time enjoying it and mastering it in your own way. The weight of depression soon lifts if you can foster and hold onto that mindset.

This is great advice, well worded too, cheers man.
 
Top