Cudi
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jan 25, 2015
- Messages
- 186
At this point in my life, everything feels stagnant. I'm a junior in college and everything is gong fine in terms of academics. I made deans list last semester with seemingly little effort and rarely went to class. I'm in the honors program here too. But that's the issue, I never want to leave my apartment. I hate when I wake up because that means I have to go out and get something to eat or get groceries so I can make myself stuff. I hate going places and seeing people unless I'm drunk or on coke or on phenibut or adderall or something.
I don't use these things frequently, only sometimes. Only occasionally when I'm around people to try and ease my social discomfort. I have no idea what I want to do with my life and I know I need an internship soon but I'm dreading it. I'm dreading getting a real job and facing life overall. I have the feeling of just wanting to stay in my apartment, eat, play video games, and take some kind of downer to get rid of my anxiety. I could never see another person for 2 months and be fine with it.
I was addicted to xanax last january and that helped me tremendously with talking to people and feeling comfortable whenever I went out. Got off those and withdrawl'd it was terrible. I've tried anti-depressants, seen a psychiatrist, tried working out everyday (which helped a lot) but now I don't have the motivation or energy to go to the gym. My time management is awful and my sleep schedule is constantly reversed (going to bed around noon and waking up around 9pm and being up all night).
I don't like this schedule but don't wanna give the effort to fix it. I feel stuck. What the hell can I do to get out of this hole? The answer is to probably give effort and fix my schedule, but it doesn't seem possible right now. Part of me actually wants to get addicted to xanax again as fucked up as that sounds, I just can't afford it and don't wanna let everyone down who knows I've had a problem with that shit in the past. Don't know what to do and part of me just doesn't care.
edit: actually scratch that, i enjoy getting fucked up by myself, it's not just limited to being around people in a social situation. Drugs could be the problem or just what I'm using to try and fix the problem
I don't use these things frequently, only sometimes. Only occasionally when I'm around people to try and ease my social discomfort. I have no idea what I want to do with my life and I know I need an internship soon but I'm dreading it. I'm dreading getting a real job and facing life overall. I have the feeling of just wanting to stay in my apartment, eat, play video games, and take some kind of downer to get rid of my anxiety. I could never see another person for 2 months and be fine with it.
I was addicted to xanax last january and that helped me tremendously with talking to people and feeling comfortable whenever I went out. Got off those and withdrawl'd it was terrible. I've tried anti-depressants, seen a psychiatrist, tried working out everyday (which helped a lot) but now I don't have the motivation or energy to go to the gym. My time management is awful and my sleep schedule is constantly reversed (going to bed around noon and waking up around 9pm and being up all night).
I don't like this schedule but don't wanna give the effort to fix it. I feel stuck. What the hell can I do to get out of this hole? The answer is to probably give effort and fix my schedule, but it doesn't seem possible right now. Part of me actually wants to get addicted to xanax again as fucked up as that sounds, I just can't afford it and don't wanna let everyone down who knows I've had a problem with that shit in the past. Don't know what to do and part of me just doesn't care.
edit: actually scratch that, i enjoy getting fucked up by myself, it's not just limited to being around people in a social situation. Drugs could be the problem or just what I'm using to try and fix the problem