Hello All I am newbie just registered but have been here a few times before reading some threads others have posted. I was clean for almost a year from opiates (Pretty much whatever I could get,mainly oxy,heroin,fentanyl) until my relapse right before this past holiday season. I only snort my drugs and have never IVd,luckily I never got into that.
I find myself sitting here with a crazy craving to get high, trying to fight the urge,and talking here and reading other people going through the same thing as me helps me get through it without doing something I'll regret. The holiday season is rough on me,especially this past year,and running into my old dealer had me showing up on his doorstep,money in hand,thirsty for the feeling of euphoria I get when I can get my hands on something.
The problem with the connections I have,besides the obvious problems, is the fact that they use too. They will get me coming back with cravings by giving me good shit that gets me off,then slowly but surely the bags will get weaker and weaker,sometimes light as fuck, and I find myself back into the cycle of hell that is a drug addiction. Unfortunately, I am not alone in this adventure,my wife also uses too,but has gotten clean with me time and time again,using multiple methods.
The thing about living where I am is unless you are DEEP into the drug scene, my options are very limited. This has me buying whatever I can find,a couple times almost being fatal due to the fact I thought I was getting my usual heroin/fentanyl combo, turns out it was ALL fentanyl and I almost died from it from an overdose. Sometimes I'll get shit so strong I could die, and sometimes I'll get things that aren't even drugs at all,for example the kid who charged me 100 bucks for what I thought was a half gram, dropped a bag of TUMERIC in my hand and ran off. Yes this is stupid on my part, I am well aware,but the addiction in my head keeps telling me,try again, maybe it will work this time. This is terrible for my wallet,my health, and my sanity.
I wish it was as easy as " just not doing it". I know I am a smarter person than trying to go back to trying,but I just can't shake it sometimes. My wife and I had a pretty serious habit due to the most consistent connection we had ever found, consistently going through more than a gram together in a day and going back for more,but once the supply stopped and my suboxone person disappeared abruptly leaving us dopesick as hell we decided enough was enough and we had to get clean. We both fought through the flu like hell that we put upon ourselves together, and hadn't gone back for a year,up until now.
I don't think I've ever been as they say it " on the fence" for so long. On one side, I know how stupid it is to pursue the life of an opiate addict, wasting my time,health,money,and happiness on something like this, but knowing the feeling of doing a good line and just sitting with my wife and laughing and communicating and having great sex after has me literally thinking about going to see the asshole who may or may not give me what I pay for,depending on if he's broke or feeling generous that day, and it drives me crazy. Man I really need help,and the clinics around here are super expensive for people who don't have health insurance, and the discussion groups I have to attend just tempt me more to walk around looking for new connections,.man I need help ?
I find myself sitting here with a crazy craving to get high, trying to fight the urge,and talking here and reading other people going through the same thing as me helps me get through it without doing something I'll regret. The holiday season is rough on me,especially this past year,and running into my old dealer had me showing up on his doorstep,money in hand,thirsty for the feeling of euphoria I get when I can get my hands on something.
The problem with the connections I have,besides the obvious problems, is the fact that they use too. They will get me coming back with cravings by giving me good shit that gets me off,then slowly but surely the bags will get weaker and weaker,sometimes light as fuck, and I find myself back into the cycle of hell that is a drug addiction. Unfortunately, I am not alone in this adventure,my wife also uses too,but has gotten clean with me time and time again,using multiple methods.
The thing about living where I am is unless you are DEEP into the drug scene, my options are very limited. This has me buying whatever I can find,a couple times almost being fatal due to the fact I thought I was getting my usual heroin/fentanyl combo, turns out it was ALL fentanyl and I almost died from it from an overdose. Sometimes I'll get shit so strong I could die, and sometimes I'll get things that aren't even drugs at all,for example the kid who charged me 100 bucks for what I thought was a half gram, dropped a bag of TUMERIC in my hand and ran off. Yes this is stupid on my part, I am well aware,but the addiction in my head keeps telling me,try again, maybe it will work this time. This is terrible for my wallet,my health, and my sanity.
I wish it was as easy as " just not doing it". I know I am a smarter person than trying to go back to trying,but I just can't shake it sometimes. My wife and I had a pretty serious habit due to the most consistent connection we had ever found, consistently going through more than a gram together in a day and going back for more,but once the supply stopped and my suboxone person disappeared abruptly leaving us dopesick as hell we decided enough was enough and we had to get clean. We both fought through the flu like hell that we put upon ourselves together, and hadn't gone back for a year,up until now.
I don't think I've ever been as they say it " on the fence" for so long. On one side, I know how stupid it is to pursue the life of an opiate addict, wasting my time,health,money,and happiness on something like this, but knowing the feeling of doing a good line and just sitting with my wife and laughing and communicating and having great sex after has me literally thinking about going to see the asshole who may or may not give me what I pay for,depending on if he's broke or feeling generous that day, and it drives me crazy. Man I really need help,and the clinics around here are super expensive for people who don't have health insurance, and the discussion groups I have to attend just tempt me more to walk around looking for new connections,.man I need help ?
