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Thread: Newbie from New England U.S.A

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    Newbie from New England U.S.A 
    #1
    Hello All I am newbie just registered but have been here a few times before reading some threads others have posted. I was clean for almost a year from opiates (Pretty much whatever I could get,mainly oxy,heroin,fentanyl) until my relapse right before this past holiday season. I only snort my drugs and have never IVd,luckily I never got into that.

    I find myself sitting here with a crazy craving to get high, trying to fight the urge,and talking here and reading other people going through the same thing as me helps me get through it without doing something I'll regret. The holiday season is rough on me,especially this past year,and running into my old dealer had me showing up on his doorstep,money in hand,thirsty for the feeling of euphoria I get when I can get my hands on something.

    The problem with the connections I have,besides the obvious problems, is the fact that they use too. They will get me coming back with cravings by giving me good shit that gets me off,then slowly but surely the bags will get weaker and weaker,sometimes light as fuck, and I find myself back into the cycle of hell that is a drug addiction. Unfortunately, I am not alone in this adventure,my wife also uses too,but has gotten clean with me time and time again,using multiple methods.

    The thing about living where I am is unless you are DEEP into the drug scene, my options are very limited. This has me buying whatever I can find,a couple times almost being fatal due to the fact I thought I was getting my usual heroin/fentanyl combo, turns out it was ALL fentanyl and I almost died from it from an overdose. Sometimes I'll get shit so strong I could die, and sometimes I'll get things that aren't even drugs at all,for example the kid who charged me 100 bucks for what I thought was a half gram, dropped a bag of TUMERIC in my hand and ran off. Yes this is stupid on my part, I am well aware,but the addiction in my head keeps telling me,try again, maybe it will work this time. This is terrible for my wallet,my health, and my sanity.

    I wish it was as easy as " just not doing it". I know I am a smarter person than trying to go back to trying,but I just can't shake it sometimes. My wife and I had a pretty serious habit due to the most consistent connection we had ever found, consistently going through more than a gram together in a day and going back for more,but once the supply stopped and my suboxone person disappeared abruptly leaving us dopesick as hell we decided enough was enough and we had to get clean. We both fought through the flu like hell that we put upon ourselves together, and hadn't gone back for a year,up until now.

    I don't think I've ever been as they say it " on the fence" for so long. On one side, I know how stupid it is to pursue the life of an opiate addict, wasting my time,health,money,and happiness on something like this, but knowing the feeling of doing a good line and just sitting with my wife and laughing and communicating and having great sex after has me literally thinking about going to see the asshole who may or may not give me what I pay for,depending on if he's broke or feeling generous that day, and it drives me crazy. Man I really need help,and the clinics around here are super expensive for people who don't have health insurance, and the discussion groups I have to attend just tempt me more to walk around looking for new connections,.man I need help 😔
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    #2
    Hey bud, read your story and I feel for you. Im no expert, probably a novice drug enthusiast at this point, however, I try not to look at drugs, hits, addiction as "evil" or things we need to quit (at first). Going cold turkey is always to big of a proposition for me and I always start great but fail quickly.
    Instead I look at the highs as a reward. Trying to taper off and use less often - to the point it isn't something I rely on and the only thing I think about to getting it to the point its just something I do after a good week of being a productive human being.
    Think like - Opiods is something I like to do, but can't do all the time, like a piece of cake, or you will get fat! Use them as a treat or pick me up when you need or feel you deserve it. Its not so easy to just say no as you say, so try replacing the heroine vice with another vice - for example, I would replace weed at night with porn at night - not healthy either, but it helped me stop smoking so god damn much.

    Just keep trying different methods and keep searching and filling your life with other euphoric experiences, $100 could get u some pretty great concert or basketball tickets! Love Life Brother!
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    #3
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    madness00's Avatar
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    Aug 2018
    Location
    New England
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    Tabby0808, first of all welcome here. I think merely signing up to Bluelight is the first major step in your road to recovery.

    I invite you to check out The Dark Side, where you can tell your story and be supported by others going through similar times. Or possibly start a recovery journal in Sober Living.

    Thank you to apple456tgb for the support, as well. He is right, using substitutes that are less dangerous, staying busy and talking to good support systems all sound like A-OK ways to go.

    I wish you the best of luck, my man.

    We've had our problems too, and we're listening to you.

    Welcome to Bluelight.
    - We don't see things the way they are, we see things the way we are. -
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