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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | Eligiu | deficiT

I can't quit dope

Mafioso said:
Maybe this is a perfect time to get involved in a local church and join some bible studies since you mention your new faith.
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I would actually like to start going to church. The thing is, churches (at least in my understanding) tend to be organizations centered around the community. If I were to just walk into a church by myself without knowing anyone, and with all sorts of personal problems (drug use, not having a career, etc.), while also not being the most social person, I feel like I would be rejected and run out of the church pretty quickly.

One time, I had some minor legal problems and I was ordered by a judge to complete a certain number of hours of community service. Someone told me I could do this at a church. I was living in a town where I didn't know anyone and didn't have any family. I went to a local protestant church, and as soon as I walked in the front door, the person at the desk looks at me like I am from Mars. I explain that I wanted to volunteer for the church in order to complete my community service, and their response was basically "We've never seen you before. We don't know who the fuck you are. Get the fuck out."

I would like it if my wife were to come with me to church (she is more social than I am), but the few times I have brought it up to her, she was not too enthusiastic about it. The reasons for this are that although she is very conservative, she is not really into the whole religious thing. Also, the times we talked about going to church, it was within the context of helping me recover from addiction, and she is not too keen on playing an active role in my recovery. She is willing to hold my hand and be supportive, but she sees addiction as a problem of MINE that has to be dealt with primarily by ME. So if I bring up the possibility that she come to church (or group therapy, or whatever) with me, she is going to be reluctant.


10YearsGone:

I have tried both Suboxone and methadone in the past. I would just use the sub/meth when I was broke and then go use dope as soon as I had money. When I was on methadone and had a little money saved up, I would take my methadone in the morning and then go use dope in the afternoon every day.

Additionally, both Suboxone and methadone would make me extremely tired and unmotivated during the day. I would sleep till 4 or 5 PM and I would be too tired to go to the gym or look for a real job. I currently take kratom, which is just as good as suboxone (if not better) when it comes to dealing with withdrawal, but it doesn't make me tired and unmotivated the way Suboxone used to.
 
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Right now, since I got high multiple times on my short trip back into town, I basically moved back out of town to live with the same family member I was staying with when I started this thread. I am living away from my wife, and in this random town where the only person I know or interact with is this one close family member who lives here. It is a car-dependent community and my driver's license is suspended until April (and even after that, my insurance will probably be too high for me to afford), so I am basically stuck in a house all day every day doing basically nothing. If I want to get a job or go to school, it can only be part-time, and it has to be at the exact time of day that this family member is able to give me a ride (she works full-time herself).

So yeah, I will have to move back to town eventually I suppose, so I don't know if I should just move back now and deal with the consequences of my addiction. Right now, I'm just cooped up in a house hiding from my problems, which I will have to face sooner or later anyway (so why not sooner).
 
If that's really how all churches are, why would you want to be a part of any community like that? I'm guessing you don't really believe that they are all like that, but finding reasons either to not go because of your fear, or creating reasons to justify your fear. There is nothing wrong with having fear, but it's important we don't cater to our fears.

Walking in the door and asking for something(even the ability to do community service) is much different than walking in to a gathering specifically open to the public and just listening. I mean just based off that description you gave of your interaction, for all we know you could have been talking to a volunteer greeter or someone who didn't even work for the church, who knew nothing about any community service programs and who just simply didn't know how to respond to your request. Even if they told you to "eat shit and die" it wouldn't say much about other churches, or even everyone in that church itself.

And if you feel your reservations are truly valid, that you are in too rough of shape to be going to church(which is counter to the teachings of jesus as far as I'm aware, and if churches won't accept you for being too rugged then they aren't very "Christ-like") then maybe you'd feel right at home at NA or similar recovery centered meetings.

It's probably best you learn to step out into the world on your own as well, without the protection of drugs or your wife, so that you are forced to be with your true emotions and no one or nothing to hide behind or blame. When I force myself to do this, I often find that the world(at least the people in it) are generally way nicer and far more accepting than how I'd imagine people to be. Particularly when reaching out to others at 12 step meetings. Being atheistic, I can't say I'm in love with the doctrine of 12 steps, and I often don't see eye to eye with other members. But I do see some obvious positives, namely it being a network of people working to overcome the same problem as I am.


There isn't one solution to the problem of addiction, and you must find a way that works best with your life and personality. If you have to option of living with someone where you can detox without the temptation of drugs, it might not be a bad idea to take full advantage of that so you can focus fully on making it past acute withdrawal/detox phase. Then, as you start to regain your strength you'll be far more capable of dealing with the other problems/aspects of life. It's easy to feel guilty for laying around when you are dope sick, but if you are allowing yourself time to heal you are doing something productive. Just like recovering from other illnesses, you have to allow time to heal.
 
Different churches have different communities. As an adult, I have been a member of two churches (my ex wife was a church pianist), and joined the choirs there since I love to sing. I found both communities absolutely warm and lovely and accepting. I erally did get a lot out of them even though I'm not a Christian. The only way you can know is if you try. It is kinda scary at first but just give it a shot, what do you have to lose?
 
Churches do not have the obligation whatsoever to accept any drug-addicted bum of the street (who they've never met before) as one of their own. Yes, if a bum walks in asking for food and/or shelter, they have an obligation to help that person, but that is totally different than accepting that person as part of the community.

I think the reason I won't be accepted is not because I am a drug addict. It is because I am alone, and I am not the most social person to begin with. It's kind of like walking into a bar or club alone and being anti-social. Just because churches are supposed to be "Christ-like" places of worship doesn't mean the people who go there aren't human.

I guess I could just walk into a service on a Sunday, if it is open to the public. I might do that. I'm just kind of afraid that I'll end up sitting through the service, feeling awkward afterwards because no one is talking to me, and leaving quietly and never coming back (or something along those lines). Like I said, I'm not naturally the most outgoing person, and if you're going to walk into a group like that by yourself, you kind of have to be friendly and outgoing if you want to be accepted. Otherwise, people will distrust you and be suspicious.

Anyway, I am going back to town today to pick up my transcripts for school. I actually think I'll just go home today and not do dope, since my wife and family expects me home. Also, it is very obvious when I use. My face gets all red because I scratch a lot, and my personality changes and I act drunk. So yeah, I'll probably be able to stay clean tonight and then I can pick up the transcripts and leave town again tomorrow.
 
Well I'm not going to argue theology with you, but I can say that every church I was a part of made not just helping the lesser privileged and troubled, but welcoming into your doors and specifically community. It's not that all normal social rules are ignored, it's based on the premise that we are all equally sinners in need of Christ's forgiveness, and based on that premise to turn someone away because they were not "fit" for the community would be passing judgement. A lot of people have turned to religion when getting off drugs and in desperate times. Churches are actually some of the few places that people can turn, and IME, every Christian loves a sad story turned around by Jesus.

Really, it sounds like maybe your projecting your insecurities and anxiety onto other's behavior. I tend to be socially reserved as well, and I notice when I'm obviously being nervous and shy that others see that and respect it by allowing me to hide in the corners and shadows of the room. And when I'm feeling more confident and social I tend to do the same. It's kind of painful talking to someone who is a blank wall and you have to pull every word out. I think on both a conscious and subconscious level people look for others who are on the same emotional "level" as them. Not everyone wants to talk all the time, sometimes people don't feel like talking much, and some don't talk much at all.

I honestly think you are overthinking this all a bit. The congregation should be excited to have new members, or people coming to listen to the sermon. Most church communities I've been apart of, there are a few people who make greeting and getting to know newcomers their job. If you want to go, stay for the service, then leave when everyone is small talking, it'd be completely normal. If you want to stay and introduce yourself to a few people, it's also completely normal. Some churches even make it routine to introduce yourself to someone you don't know after the service, so people are just walking around and introducing themselves.

Really, I'm not trying to endorse religion, I'm personally an atheist. Just that I think you'd benefit from putting your concerns aside and going and checking a few services out, and seeing if your concerns were justified like that rather than trying to think every detail out.


Apart from all that... having a sponsor or sober buddy to call when you are in tempting or difficult situations can really help. Sometimes just having someone to talk you through the whole process can help you off a ledge. And if you can't get one, then journaling and making lists of the pros and cons of using when you start heading down that path mentally. Find healthy distractions as well, like exercise or reading or music.
 
We as Christians are the church. I would accept you out of Love not obligation.


You are loved by God remember that!!!
 
In my opinion the question you need to ask yourself is why you're taking dope? What is driving you to need it so bad?
Most addicts self-medicate and the reason is the inability to deal with specific emotions or situations.

The dope is a way to deal with that and numb everything.

IMO the only way to stop wanting dope is finding a better way to deal with those emotions etc.

You're not wired to want dope since your birth. You might be more prone to getting addicted to stuff once you try it than someone else but we're not born to be addicted to specifically this or that.
Something caused you to find it pleasurable enough to continue doing it until it turned into a habit and we all know the fear of withdrawal then sets in and helps with keeping the bad habit.
Yeah, the high is pleasurable but not everyone enjoys opiates so it was clearly something about how they made you feel that you found attractive.
It's always to do with the opiates taking care of an emotional issue by numbing all emotions and psychological pain.

Wanting to stop to please someone else rarely works. That's because you haven't resolved the issue that's causing you to look for drugs and the desire to stop is not coming from you.

The whole "I'm too old to change" is just an excuse you have given yourself to justify your inability to stop. I don't mean to sound harsh as I am genuinely just trying to help. I'm just being straightforward.
 
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Mafioso:

To be completely honest, if I am not being accepted at churches (or other social situations) it is probably my fault. It is not because they are bad people. Like they say, "If someone acts like an asshole, they're an asshole. But if everybody you ever meet acts like an asshole, then maybe you're the asshole."

I've been told by my closest friends that there are things about my personality that people find a bit "off" or "awkward." I am not going to refer to myself as having this or that mental/psychological condition because I don't like those kinds of labels and I don't like feeling sorry for myself. I believe in taking responsibility for your actions rather than blaming them on some "condition." But I have been told by my closest friends that other people tend to be put off by me, that I "sound like a robot" when I talk, etc. If people are treating me a certain way, this is probably why.

My experience has been that when I meet new people, they treat me decently if I have a friend or two to vouch for me, and they treat me even better if I have my wife or a close family member to vouch for me. But if I am all by myself walking into a group of strangers, people don't tend to be very receptive to me. If a new person walked into a social gathering you were a part of, started acting in a way that you considered to be a bit "odd," and then you realized that this person was alone, did not know anyone in the group, and gave vague answers when asked why he was there, you probably wouldn't be very receptive to that person either.


Akane:

You're totally right. I am probably doing dope to numb a lot of bad feelings and what not. Also, I don't think I was born a junkie, or that I am "too old to change." I think it would definitely be easier to quit if I were able to get rid of the pain some other way. It's just that it isn't realistic to think I am just going to find another way of dealing with pain when I've been doing dope for so long. Also, my body and mind have simply gotten used to doing dope whenever it is available to me (the same way I would seek out tasty food, or sex with attractive women, whenever they are available to me). I am able to be in town and stay sober, sometimes for days or even weeks at a time. The thing is, it doesn't get any easier over time. If anything, it gets harder. It is like I am carrying a huge weight around with me at all times with no rest. At one point or another, I am simply going to get tired and need a "rest" (i.e. use dope).

Anyway, thanks for the responses everyone. I am currently living out of town and just started classes at a local community college. Every time I have gone back to town for whatever reason, I have done dope and gotten into big trouble (for example, my dad calling the cops on me). But if I can manage to stay away from town, then at least I can get some clean time under my belt.
 
Yeah I mean I wouldn't assume people dislike you based on your personality if it's a bit odd as long as you're still respectful. They might be a little put off or unsure of how to respond if you're really strange and break a lot of social norms. But if you feel more comfortable bringing someone then you should see if someone is comfortable going with you.
 
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