Sex and Love Addiction

[RedRum OG]

Couldn't find a semi recent thread on this, in a forum filled with freaks and junkies, how is there not?

At 26 years old I've realized my sex and love addiction may be worse than my 8 year opiate addiction, and may have even caused it in the first place.

I meet a girl, expect way too much from her, constantly needing cuddles, sex, affection. Expect her to be my therapist, my best friend, my family, my sexual partner all at once. Then of course, nobody is perfect, my forgiving and caring attitude eventually turns into submission after I am mistreated, because in my mind being rejected and alone is as bad as heroin withdrawals... So I forgive things that should not be forgiven, begging to be further mistreated. The literal thousands of nights I've sat alone in my room at night desperate for someone to talk to or hug, no one person could possibly make up for that pain, but somehow I expect them to love me hard enough to make up for all the past abuse and neglect.

Not to mention I have always had a dangerously high sex drive. I am not promiscuous, I think (wish) sex is special. But I am ready to rock damn near 24/7, it is so tiring to resist. I am an incredibly generous and selfless partner, I like making other people feel good more than myself, but still, pestering my girl every night makes us both feel bad. It doesn't help that pretty much the only positive feedback or compliments I get are related to my sexual side or my physique, rarely about me as a person.

Discuss

 

[SamanthaB]

Hi Red Rum,

I am sorry you are having a number of problems that you sound like you are really struggling with. Rather than try to diagnose what is going on with you, it would be best for you to seek some psychotherapy treatment to sort things out. If you have a drug addiction, who knows what effect that is having on how your interpersonal relationships are going or not going. You may be right, your addiction may have been caused by your psychological problems, and that would be my guess if I was to make any comment about what you have said in your post.

I wish you nothing but the best as you deal with all these issues professionally. If you are willing to put in the necessary work, I am sure you will more than likely find yourself in a much better place than you are now in the future.

 

[Serotonin101]

Stay abstinent and single for a while. It's what I had to do to get through something similar. Unlike you, I was very promiscuous and would frequently cheat on whomever I was dating. I had to learn to be comfortable with myself, by myself. I relate it to making a child self soothe when they're young instead of always getting comfort from its mom or dad. I don't think you're addicted to sex & love, but you're more codependent.

 

[neurogal]

Sex Addicts Anonymous might be helpful. They focus on both sex and love addiction. It would be impossible for any of us here to ascertain exactly what is going on with you. I'm actually amazed there isn't a recent thread, as you said. Relationships can provide some of the greatest and most addictive highs out there. Anyways, do you feel like you need someone to make everything ok, soothe everything? I've experienced that. From everything I've read, you have to be that person for yourself instead of seeking it outside yourself. Way fucking easier said than done, I know... Just food for thought.

 

[llama112]

I think there are a decent amount of people who are in a somewhat similar situation. Being alone completely and being okay with that is fairly important. Then you will (hopefully) expect less from a future partner. It may be difficult for sure but making sure YOU are content with yourself is very important.

 

[pofacedhoe]

wow your so fucking needy

thats pretty much it

no one person can fill the gap in you. you have to fill it yourself

basically you want sex more than her and its driving a wedge

try having a wank then some sex with her

yeah if she making these comments it wounds like she likes your skills, but yes its easy to look for ways to make yourself feel bad. maybe try not doing that to yourself

 

[CFC]

I meet a girl, expect way too much from her, constantly needing cuddles, sex, affection. Expect her to be my therapist, my best friend, my family, my sexual partner all at once.

Why do you need/want all that?

It doesn't help that pretty much the only positive feedback or compliments I get are related to my sexual side or my physique, rarely about me as a person.

Mate, they are literally who you are as a person. This commonly held idea that some thoughts in your head have more meaning or value than any other part of you or your physique or the things you do is utter horseshit and you should reject it entirely. We can't all be Sartre or Einstein; you are your body and sex drive as much as some abstract thoughts in your mind, embrace that and value it as much as she apparently does.

 

[zephyr]

One person will get sick of being all those roles all the time for another.

What's in it for her?


The other person could use someone who is able to provide for their needs, can you do that as well as be somewhat too needy?


You have a mum (I hope). You should have other people or a therapist to do those things, just realise a partner is just a partner, like a lover and close friend, dependable and alluring.

Being a mother and therapist cleaner dietitian whatever, nah, not enough hours in the day.

 

[RedRum OG]

Thanks for the replies guys. I was more starting a discussion than asking for help

wow your so fucking needy

thats pretty much it

no one person can fill the gap in you. you have to fill it yourself

basically you want sex more than her and its driving a wedge

try having a wank then some sex with her

One person will get sick of being all those roles all the time for another.

What's in it for her?


Being a mother and therapist cleaner dietitian whatever, nah, not enough hours in the day.

Except for you fellas, not too good with the reading comprehension, eh? I wrote that I have these problems, I'm obviously aware, but thanks for being dicks and being critical about my flaws. Some real articulate psychoanalysis right there.

 

[zephyr]

I meet a girl, expect way too much from her, constantly needing cuddles, sex, affection. Expect her to be my therapist, my best friend, my family, my sexual partner all at once. Then of course, nobody is perfect, my forgiving and caring attitude eventually turns into submission after I am mistreated, because in my mind being rejected and alone is as bad as heroin withdrawals... So I forgive things that should not be forgiven, begging to be further mistreated. The literal thousands of nights I've sat alone in my room at night desperate for someone to talk to or hug, no one person could possibly make up for that pain, but somehow I expect them to love me hard enough to make up for all the past abuse and neglect.

One person will get sick of being all those roles all the time for another.

What's in it for her?


Being a mother and therapist cleaner dietitian whatever, nah, not enough hours in the day.

Well, I dunno what you wanted to be honest, basically you are well aware of what behaviours and thought patterns you are having a problem with and discuss.

But that's not good enough, maybe you just wanted to air your grievances with some anonymous ppl either to get some kind of enabling voice to continue what you already know you have issues with?


Or maybe somehow find some way of pinning your own issues on the female who you think has to be all the things for you and yet you are such a great guy you forgive them?


Well, okay then.


I hope you are with an absolute saint and a motherly control freak who is also submissive and accepts your forgiveness for her evil transgressions enough to find happiness and comfort in having to put up with an all encompassing virtuous girlfriend and may you never feel alone as you have someone else to blame for all, it's very healthy and stable way to be, theres novels by Stephen King based on it.

 

[atara]

VERSE:
The Vulture eats between his meals
And that's the reason why
He very, very rarely feels
As well as you and I.

His eye is dull, his head is bald,
His neck is growing thinner.
Oh! what a lesson for us all
To only eat at dinner!

zephyr, you added "cleaner" and "dietitian". Clearly anyone who expects that shit is being selfish, but there's no contradiction between being a little too horny/emotional and being capable of washing the dishes and staying out of the chips. It's not fair to just paint him as a caricature of the worst possible partner because he admitted to having flaws.

I am an incredibly generous and selfless partner, I like making other people feel good more than myself, but still, pestering my girl every night makes us both feel bad. It doesn't help that pretty much the only positive feedback or compliments I get are related to my sexual side or my physique, rarely about me as a person.

Generous and selfless -> pestering her for sex every night? Doesn't add up.

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and assume you have a big problem with doing anything arousing and then not getting laid, correct? If you want to be cuddly and affectionate and not annoying, you need to learn to get over it. If I wanted sex every time her teasing me gave me an erection, my relationship would have ended in a week. Just have a little faith that you will have sex when the time is right. (And if all else fails, you can always pretend to take a shower.)

Also, just FYI, random people you date are not good therapists. Not only are you not paying her nearly enough, she hasn't got the faintest idea what she's doing. Emotional support in a relationship is supposed to happen, therapy is something you get from a professional with years of education.

 

[pofacedhoe]

Thanks for the replies guys. I was more starting a discussion than asking for help







Except for you fellas, not too good with the reading comprehension, eh? I wrote that I have these problems, I'm obviously aware, but thanks for being dicks and being critical about my flaws. Some real articulate psychoanalysis right there.

i'm sorry that you feel upset at answers you got to a question you asked

but you did ask it so dont cry

this isn't the first of this kind of thread you have made about this and people aren't going to pussyfoot around you forever

your flaws are the issue (we all have flaws every single person) and by not accepting that everyone has limitations and trying to rein in your expectations of others to a reasonable level you are only gonna make yourself unhappy

in life dont expect too much from people because when you do you spend all your time feeling let down, which is something created inside your head by you

everything isn't perfect and it never will be and people are only people and just going about their lives so when something good happens be grateful

tv will fill you with ideas of perfection but in reality life is messy painful and dirty

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

You sound crazy insecure. Like you need all of that to feel good about yourself. Work as loving yourself from the inside. Be OK with no girl, no partner, no sex, no drugs.

 

[atara]

this isn't the first of this kind of thread you have made about this and people aren't going to pussyfoot around you forever

Based on your tone, I thought there was more to the story than I saw in this thread here, so I looked for threads started by RedRum OG asking for emotional support. I didn't find anything for the past year, but I did eventually find this:

http://bluelight.org/vb/threads/801946-Physical-attractivness-disparity

Overall it's clear that OP has some long-running insecurity problems, but it's also obvious that you have some long-running dislike of OP. How else would you remember a thread from more than two years ago? Fact is, "wow your so fucking needy" is a pretty impolite response, even if it wasn't intended as an insult. But you probably know him better than I do!

But you're right that this does have a deja vu feel to it. Here's a post from the old thread:

"I've never had great self esteem..."

I can tell. You still sound like you don't, tbh. Talk with your girl. Try to find that self esteem from within.

And the new thread:

You sound crazy insecure. Like you need all of that to feel good about yourself. Work as loving yourself from the inside. Be OK with no girl, no partner, no sex, no drugs.

Two years, zero improvement.

Can I point something else out?

She's also one of those girls where the nicer you are and the more attention you give, the less value you have. Friends/girls that treat her shitty are the ones she just can't stop talking about, thinking about.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Projection_(psychology)
I don't think it's just RedRum's ex who has a problem with wanting what she can't have.

"Worship your body and beauty and sexual allure and you will always feel ugly. And when time and age start showing, you will die a million deaths before they finally grieve you."

OP, fact is here that you post in the steroid forum more than any of the others and you constantly seek additional validation that you're hot enough. It seems possible that you even seek out people who aren't attracted to you to try to make them see you as attractive, because obviously if you could only seduce them it would mean you were really sexy.

You mentioned in the other thread that there are girls who "drool over you" (yes he actually used those words), question: if you just want sex/affection, why aren't you dating one?

Let me tell you a story. When I was first dating my current girlfriend we texted each other nude pictures. After I sent the first picture of myself naked to her I was feeling very nervous. I thought I looked okay but I don't look like much. It took her a few hours to respond. She eventually texted back "omg you're ridiculously attractive!". (I looked a little better six years ago!)

I still remember where I was sitting when I read that text. I still remember how it felt. It was like someone had connected a live wire to my spinal cord. I was sitting on the bed smoking with my friends and it took all my willpower not to literally jump into the air.

So I know, and you almost definitely know, that there is a very distinct and powerful feeling associated with someone liking your body, especially if it takes you by surprise.
It seems clear from this thread, the past one, and your other posting behavior on bluelight, that you are chasing that feeling, and you make excuses of the form "I just want to be loved". And that isn't true, is it? That also explains why pofacedhoe doesn't like you (solved the mystery!) because he can smell your vanity and nobody likes vanity.

You should probably:

• accept that you want this
• accept that you won't always be able to get it (nobody can)
• forgive yourself for wanting it
• stop trying to make it happen by magic
• stop using other people's opinions as a "test"
• learn to communicate your needs and recognize when someone doesn't want to fulfill them
• say thanks to pofacedhoe because if his post hadn't been so confusing I never would have written this

 

[pofacedhoe]

Based on your tone, I thought there was more to the story than I saw in this thread here, so I looked for threads started by RedRum OG asking for emotional support. I didn't find anything for the past year, but I did eventually find this:

http://bluelight.org/vb/threads/801946-Physical-attractivness-disparity

Overall it's clear that OP has some long-running insecurity problems, but it's also obvious that you have some long-running dislike of OP. How else would you remember a thread from more than two years ago? Fact is, "wow your so fucking needy" is a pretty impolite response, even if it wasn't intended as an insult. But you probably know him better than I do!

But you're right that this does have a deja vu feel to it. Here's a post from the old thread:

And the new thread:


Two years, zero improvement.

Can I point something else out?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Projection_(psychology)
I don't think it's just RedRum's ex who has a problem with wanting what she can't have.

"Worship your body and beauty and sexual allure and you will always feel ugly. And when time and age start showing, you will die a million deaths before they finally grieve you."

OP, fact is here that you post in the steroid forum more than any of the others and you constantly seek additional validation that you're hot enough. It seems possible that you even seek out people who aren't attracted to you to try to make them see you as attractive, because obviously if you could only seduce them it would mean you were really sexy.

You mentioned in the other thread that there are girls who "drool over you" (yes he actually used those words), question: if you just want sex/affection, why aren't you dating one?

Let me tell you a story. When I was first dating my current girlfriend we texted each other nude pictures. After I sent the first picture of myself naked to her I was feeling very nervous. I thought I looked okay but I don't look like much. It took her a few hours to respond. She eventually texted back "omg you're ridiculously attractive!". (I looked a little better six years ago!)

I still remember where I was sitting when I read that text. I still remember how it felt. It was like someone had connected a live wire to my spinal cord. I was sitting on the bed smoking with my friends and it took all my willpower not to literally jump into the air.

So I know, and you almost definitely know, that there is a very distinct and powerful feeling associated with someone liking your body, especially if it takes you by surprise.
It seems clear from this thread, the past one, and your other posting behavior on bluelight, that you are chasing that feeling, and you make excuses of the form "I just want to be loved". And that isn't true, is it? That also explains why pofacedhoe doesn't like you (solved the mystery!) because he can smell your vanity and nobody likes vanity.

You should probably:

• accept that you want this
• accept that you won't always be able to get it (nobody can)
• forgive yourself for wanting it
• stop trying to make it happen by magic
• stop using other people's opinions as a "test"
• learn to communicate your needs and recognize when someone doesn't want to fulfill them
• say thanks to pofacedhoe because if his post hadn't been so confusing I never would have written this

i dont dislike the OP but i do think- is this this ever gonna change?

sorry to confuse you atara

there may also be threads that were deleted that i remember but god knows were they are now because this exact probelm is very familiar to me with the op

maybe i was rude but honestly sometimes you need to be truthful - if someone complimented me while i was in a relationship and i was getting upset because it wasn't a different compliment then thats a bit much. what about enjoy a compliment and make the most of it. no relationship or girl or words are ever perfect

you have to try and make yourself happy from within isntead of piling it on top of another person who will never be able to be everyone at once.

everyone feels insecure but on some level you have to convince yourself that you are worthwhile.