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Feeling shame, opiate addict

It's impossible for me to say for sure, but I know for myself even a week long binge will leave me feeling off for a few weeks. I think even occasional daily use will still have noticeable side effects. Here is a list of the known side effects for Ativan. https://www.drugs.com/sfx/ativan-side-effects.html Just based on the length of the list should give you a sort of an idea of all the possible ways it can affect you. Not trying to scare you, just saying so long as you are taking the medications on occasion you can probably expect to experience things like rebound anxiety and increased sensitivity to stress.

The hardest part, in my experience, is getting through stressful situations when you know your body is overreacting and a benzo would momentarily fix everything. To some degree you have to sweat it out. Having someone to talk through your emotions when things are getting intense can really help as well. Just try to remember that your body is adjusting and this state is transitionary and isn't permanent.

It might be a while until you feel 100%. Even once you stop your current medications you'll still have to deal with what is called "post acute withdrawal", more on that here: http://www.poppswebsite.com/post-acute-withdrawal-paw/ or just search "opioid post acute withdrawal"

The best advice I've heard for managing post acute wd is having patience with yourself, developing a solid recovery plan, and then trusting in the process of recovery.
 
Hi George,

Popping in to say I'm thinking about you.

I'm praying for your son and I hope you are feeling much better now.

Update me when you have time.

Take care,
your friend,
Ash.
 
Hi ash, we had another rough day with my son, two seizures today :( , looking into alternative meds for him to try, just gotta find where i can get it now, im doing ok, still hv jittery days but most part its ok, im almost totally off the comfort meds i only take them when i feel i need it, which has been a few days, i hope youre having a good day
Your friend
George
 
Oh man that's awful George.

I hope you find something that helps him, I will keep praying for him.

I hope you're doing well, and that the jitters subside quickly, that sucks.

I'm very proud of you. You are one tough cookie.

Big hugs my friend, stay strong,

your friend,
Ash.
Gunslinger354 said:
Hi ash, we had another rough day with my son, two seizures today :( , looking into alternative meds for him to try, just gotta find where i can get it now, im doing ok, still hv jittery days but most part its ok, im almost totally off the comfort meds i only take them when i feel i need it, which has been a few days, i hope youre having a good day
Your friend
George
Click to expand...
 
Thanks ash, im doing fine although wjth all going on honestly my nerves are shot, but we did get my son some cbd oil and he says he feels calmer so fingers crossed
 
Definitely fingers crossed, hang in there, you're doing a great job George. I'm praying for you guys.

Hugs,
your friend,
Ash.

Gunslinger354 said:
Thanks ash, im doing fine although wjth all going on honestly my nerves are shot, but we did get my son some cbd oil and he says he feels calmer so fingers crossed
Click to expand...
 
Just a update: my son is 7 days seizure free! We were every other day! Cbd 30:1 thc. Dont tell me marijuana doesnt have medical uses! Hes proof :) keep fingers crossed
 
That's great to hear George!!

Miss you around here, come by more often. Proud of you, you're a great father and a terrific person.

Love and support to you always,

Your friend,
Ash.

Gunslinger354 said:
Just a update: my son is 7 days seizure free! We were every other day! Cbd 30:1 thc. Dont tell me marijuana doesnt have medical uses! Hes proof :) keep fingers crossed
Click to expand...
 
Hi ash , son still doing good, but im very edgy lately, thinking i may need a dose or two of my comfort meds still. Hope youre doing well
Your friend
George
 
Well fuck!! Just FUCK!!! Son had 15 seizures from 2am till now, gave the rescue meds (valium rectally) and he went into a psycotic rage!! Hissing growling trying to fight me ,i had to hold him down, it was bone chilling even his voice was like that of a demon! We are in ER now . Been a rough nite to say the least
 
awww dude. sorry to hear that. WELL DONE! I know it seems ridiculous right now, but be PROUD you came clean!

Carrying this thorn-in-ya-side is now a little easier... im sure it shall smart for a bit - but if your wife is awesome(which she sounds it), Im sure she will innerstand that you're a good man, and that this addiction to pain meds is a cross that you're sick of carrying alone, and that your openness is a wish to reconnect on an even deeper and more honest level.

How long you been addicted then? shame to hear all over the shop that "meds" are getting people addicted.
 
Thats awful to hear George!! How is he now?

Please update me when you have time. Stay strong.

Much love,
your friend,
Ash.
 
Well.....ash......truth time. (Sigh) i broke down and took pills ,i took them for three days, wednesday was last one and i was so angry with myself, i went to a NA meeting tonight, 2 months clean ...GONE! but i didnt have wds this time ,its mostly mental addiction than physical. I feel i let you (and this group) down and mostly myself. I couldnt take the stress of wt my sons going thru and i broke. Im nearly 3 days clean....again. im sorry
 
You NEVER have to apologize to me George. Ever, I am here for you no matter what and slip ups are a part of recovery.

Everyone falls down, what matters is that you keep getting up right?

This is just a blip on your radar my dear friend, I am SO proud of you, you recognized the behavior and you've corrected it already.

Much love George I am here for you always. If you need anything just ask.

How is your son?

Love you and your whole fam,
your friend,
Ash.

Gunslinger354 said:
Well.....ash......truth time. (Sigh) i broke down and took pills ,i took them for three days, wednesday was last one and i was so angry with myself, i went to a NA meeting tonight, 2 months clean ...GONE! but i didnt have wds this time ,its mostly mental addiction than physical. I feel i let you (and this group) down and mostly myself. I couldnt take the stress of wt my sons going thru and i broke. Im nearly 3 days clean....again. im sorry
Click to expand...
 
Gunslinger354 said:
Well.....ash......truth time. (Sigh) i broke down and took pills ,i took them for three days, wednesday was last one and i was so angry with myself, i went to a NA meeting tonight, 2 months clean ...GONE! but i didnt have wds this time ,its mostly mental addiction than physical.
Click to expand...

Your sober time isn't gone, not at all, you still had it, you just slipped. Slipping occasionally is usually part of quitting, it's amazing it's the only time. You didn't let anyone down, you're only human. The important thing is that you're back on track, and you didn't even get withdrawals again so you didn't even set yourself back, really. Don't be too hard on yourself. :)
 
Thanks for the kind words shadow and ash, i havent had anything since wednesday, so dec 9 2018 i quit vicodin , was clean till sunday mon and tuesday this week, but yes no withdrawls im finding its a mental thing at this point, so i guess im still fighting this but i guess it took nearly 4 years to build up the addiction i realize its foolish to think i can beat it in a few months. As far as my son Ash we are day 11 i think no seizures, we have him on a 1:1 cbd/thc oil and dosing at .25 ml. He says he feels less shaky and he doesnt appear to be getting high of that dose. Which is wt we want to avoid, so,so far so good. I have another NA meeting this coming friday, honestly it felt good to get my story out in person but i could really do without all the hugging, im a pretty reserved guy(raised by 3 tour vietnam marine drill sargent /sniper) i only hug my family and im a construction worker and we arent known for being so touchy feely! And its also hard because the leader metioned his son is in the same union as me,turns out i know him and hes a HUGE USER, im find it hard to take instruction from a guy who has a son who should be it the very meetings i am but isnt. Idk i guess its hard for me to open up. Sorry for rambling guys.
 
Gunslinger, the best explanation I have heard(in simple terms) as to why relapse is a normal phenomenon of recovery is this: Addiction is a bottom up brain disease, while recovery is a top down "treatment". Our brains are wired for survival through the reward system. When we do things like eat or have sex, feel good neurotransmitters like dopamine are released. This is what motivates and incentivizes us to do things. This reward system(mesolimbic pathway) runs throughout the brain, upper, middle, and lower.

This system works great until a substance like opioids is introduced. Opioids, and similar substances(addictive drugs) work on this same "survival mechanism" known as the reward system(mesolimbic pathway). So to the lower, sub-conscious parts of the brain perceive these drugs as "good for survival" essentially. All the lower brain knows is stimulation, and the drug produces much high levels of stimulation than normal, which is why people can crave drugs more than food despite being in starvation, or why a person can recognize the damage and destruction yet not change behavior. It is also why even after periods of sobriety, after recognizing the destruction, after learning a better way to live, after all that- you still might have an urge.

This is where time comes into play- you have to un-train your brain, teach it that it doesn't need those drugs to survive and feel good. It's a step that really can't be rushed and requires a lot of patience. Probably one of the more frustrating aspects as well.. things would be so much easier if I didn't have an urge to use still.


As for NA... I personally find many to be a bit negative and self-deprecating. Constantly introducing yourself and referring to yourself as an addict is directly contradictive with basic psychological principles. A person wouldn't identify themselves as cancer even though it is a disease they may have to live with. People don't identify as depression or anxiety- they say they have depression or anxiety. It is the same for addiction. We aren't addicts, we are people with the disease of addiction. I think it's done in attempts to confront denial and true acceptance of the situation... idk.. I don't want to be too negative because I like meetings but most of what I like is the social aspect not really their philosophies.
 
Mafioso, you always post very insightful things,thank you for the explanation on relapse and how the brain works, i had no idea! Im on day 5 (again) clean . Feel a bit of urge to use but i filled it with household chores. It wasnt a omg i need pills feeling it was almost like ,boy if i had a pill id feel amazing not just ok,i fought it.
 
Thanks Guns, that's kind of you to say.

I'm glad you are doing better, I hope things settle out for you. Sounds like it's a pretty wild ride for you with everything going on. If you start getting too down on yourself maybe stop and take a moment to appreciate how far you have come. Probably have done a few things you didn't think were really possible a matter of months ago. And your still going, picked yourself up really quick and didn't let things spiral out of control. That's progress.
 
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