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Please help: piece of me gone forever

poptarts69

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 10, 2016
Messages
49
I think I'm one of those people who tripped too hard and never came back..

I took mushrooms every day for a month in august. On my second to last trip I had an almost death encounter- in order to continue living here on earth with some of my sanity back I had to give something up.
That thing was one of my attachment cords to earth.

I have not really noticed what was wrong with me/made me so special until recently when I found myself becoming close to someone. I saw everything.

I'm now always functioning on levels 2-10 but cannot access 1.

I almost remember abusing these mushrooms and them telling me "well okay, if you want to come back you have to give up this ____"

And now I've sunk. ALL I FUCKING WANT is to be able to go back to that thing. Being a human. I fucked myself up royally and completely.

I got really high with my friends yesterday and they started talking about my friend's ex who just lost his mind, then they whipped out a dsm-v book and diagnosed him w schizophrenia and the whole time i felt like they were aliens diagnosing ME too

Someone please help. All the doctors want to do is give me abilify

I killed this piece of me abusing drugs and now I need it back :(
 
It will take time, my friend. Many among us have felt this sensation of damaging ourselves due to over-indulgence, including me. There was a time, many moons ago, that I thought I would never recover from what I did by virtue of abusing psychedelics. I was convinced that I was damaged permanently. It forced me to re-evaluate my situation and caused me to take a break from pretty much all drugs for many years. However, even after a few months of abstaining I began to feel better, to recover, and slowly I returned to a baseline that was acceptable. Time, my friend. I know that doesn't help in this moment, but take it from me...you are going to be OK, as long as you learn from this and figure out why you are doing what you are doing to yourself.
 
I agree with the above poster. You'll be fine, you did not actually give something up. You just heavily abused psychedelics and your brain needs time to readjust. It hasn't been very long yet... just treat yourself well and give it some time. If I were you, I would stop smoking weed and doing other drugs for a while. Marijuana makes it much harder to feel normal again, and it's likely contributing to your feelings right now. I can't tell you how many times people misjudge the effect weed is having on them.
 
The DSM is a much disputed document and I guarantee you if you were to go through it you would find 30 or 40 different mental illness diagnosis to hang on yourself not to mention the personality disorders.

Tripping hard can really fuck with our perceptions of reality and things need time to readjust afterwards. IMHO all tripping should have a reflective period afterwards to absorb the lessons and insights. Good food, rest and exercise along with meditation and fun will in time bring you back round. Keep a good distance from all drugs including alcohol and cannabis - they will only prevent/lengthen the recovery. Dump the DSM or ask your friends to wait until they are qualified psychiatrists before making diagnosis of people.

Many people practice long and hard to remove their attachments to this realm and personally speaking having recently managed this after years of struggle it feels very weird. I am caught in the middle of thinking I am damaged as things I once passionately cared for do not register on my radar and thinking I am further on the way to enlightenment as I no long am held by some of my physical ties. I suppose like a lot of things its how you choose to look at it.
 
Forever is a long time...especially when talking about an event that took place less than a few months ago.
 
I'm amazed that after doing mushrooms every day for a month you were not only still able to trip but able to trip hard enough to be left with this lasting delusion. I guess it probably wasn't the last "trip" that did it really, just the cumulative effect of pounding your 5-HT2A receptors for such a long time.

I'm not sure if this is helpful or not but try to take solace in the fact that none of what you're describing (apart from you eating the mushrooms in the first place) actually happened. People don't have cords attaching themselves to the Earth and even if they did the mushrooms in all likelihood wouldn't have any interest in them. The mushrooms didn't really ask you to give them anything, you weren't really any closer to death than you are now, and you didn't actually lose anything. All these things were and are delusions, hallucinations, figments of your malfunctioning mind trying and failing to piece together the fragments of reality.

Of course it's easy for me to say that but I'm sure it feels real enough to you. Lasting psychotic breaks are sometimes triggered by psychedelics, sometimes even just after one dose, but they are a rarity and not necessarily the case here. I would say however that given the situation you have unfortunately got yourself into, it might be best to take the advice of a doctor just in the short term, and it may lead to a quicker recovery. Be completely open and honest about what happened, and get a second opinion if you feel it is warranted. If you're not into medication, at least try to get some sort of therapy.

You can also try to just wait it out of course - as always, focusing on exercise, healthy living, good habits - there's a good chance this will work too. Apologies also, I don't wish to frighten you in any way talking about doctors and lasting psychoses, the overwhelming likelihood is you will be absolutely fine and back to your old self in a few weeks or even less, just your description of these delusions to me is a little atypical, but then, you used mushrooms in a very atypical way, so who knows.

But just remember, again, what you experienced was a delusion, no matter how real it feels. Mushrooms do not ask people to give them imaginary cords in exchange for their sanity, no matter how many of them you eat.
 
Vastness; your response is almost like christmas.

It really helps to think of it in this way. I've seen a psychiatrist and he put me on ability temporarily- I'm going to start doing therapy and hopefully set myself straight.

Thanks for all the support guys. I posted this on reddit and got shit garbage responses. Y'all are real ones
 
^ Glad to hear you found it helpful! August 2015 eh, so yeah it has been a while, I think you made the right decision to seek help, for what it's worth. Best of luck with your recovery! :)
 
Hey man, I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through, I can't imagine how it must feel.

And I'm sorry, but I must go against what most people on here are saying. It is possible that you "fried" yourself, however, to my knowledge there has NEVER been a confirmed case of that happening (please someone correct me if I'm wrong.) While there's always errors, most scientists (at least the ones who study the field,) don't believe psychedelics can cause the types of problems you're experiencing. It is MUCH more likely that you either have some sort of PTSD from the experience, OR (more likely IMO) that you have an underlying psychiatric disorder that was "brought out" by the mushroom use, but would have occurred at some point anyways. The mushrooms may have made it "come out" more quickly and harshly than if it started on its own, but that's about it. (If this had all been a week ago I might say wait it out, like most everyone else has said, but since it was 3 years ago (that you took all the mushrooms) the chance of the problem being the Mushrooms is exceedingly small to impossible.)

Less than 6 months ago I had a nervous breakdown myself, not psychotic in nature, more severe anxiety, depression, agoraphobia, etc. During this period I went through a period of using psychedelics daily for over 2 months. I would IV 40mg of 4-AcO-DMT and get "high" for about 10 minutes or just pass out and wake up in a daze, but not tripping, a couple hours later. (And I did ton's of other psychedelic research chems too during this time.) After finally stopping I felt mentally off for maybe, 1-2 days at most? If that? (not including the depression which was fading but still there.)

In other words, maybe evaluate yourself for PTSD, but most likely you have a psychiatric illness such as schizophrenia. I know that is terrifying to hear and I'm sorry to say it. That said, based on you posts alone, If you have Schizophrenia, like I said, you are in the top 1% of Schizophrenics as far as intelligence and functional level goes, and most people don't realize that, quite likely, some of their coworkers and friends have the disorder without anyone knowing, because they are able to manage it with medications, and do complex jobs that even "normal" people don't have the intelligence for.

I'm sorry to say all this, but what you said in your first post, is either, very poetic writing (if that type of writing was intentional you could "just" have major depression, not fun either I know,) but, much more likely shows delusional thoughts, magical thinking, ect. Delusional thoughts can be controlled by anti-psychotics such as Abilify in people with far worse cases than you. I've seen it happen. Professors at universities brought into the Psychiatric ER ward screaming and punching and kicking, and in a day or two they've been stabilized and can return to their lives and jobs as if nothing happened except taking a few days off work.

There are tons of anti-psychotics out there. And if you are dead set against, Abilify, fine, try another one. And I won't lie to you, all anti-psychotics do have serious side effects. If you try them you need to be VERY honest with you Doctor about how you're feeling, movement problems, feelings of "disconnection" to the world, etc, so they can get you on the right med at the right dose, but if you get on the right dose of the right medicine you might find yourself, feeling like yourself once more. If your doctor ignores your concerns about side effects you're having, try another one. Some Doctors are laughably awful at their jobs, most are average, some are great, as with everything. But if you've had multiple doctors trying to get you to try an anti-psychotic, that is a powerful sign that they may be right, and you need to give them a shot.

I'm sorry to say all this since it's not what you want to hear, but, based on your first post, unless you were high when you wrote it, I feel the Doctors might be right in this case.

Check out the New York Times article "Successful and Schizophrenic." I did a quick google search to find it, and there were many other articles just like it. Having a serious psychiatric disorder does NOT mean you life is over. You're not sitting in a corner babbling to yourself, you can write well, you just have serious fears, and some "magical/delusional" thoughts. The fact that you have friends means you're doing waaaaaay better than most with the illness (or you have another illness with similar symptoms that can be treated some other way, there's no way to tell from your few posts alone.)

My point is, give your doctors a shot, again, unless you were super high when you wrote your OP (and if you were, you can more or less ignore my post and look into possible treatments for depression, (where if they try to give you Abilify for depression and depression only, get a new Doctor asap.) If you were just high and don't normally speak in this magical manor, STOP SMOKING WEED, it can/will make your symptoms worse. If you have these thoughts without being high. Listen to your Doctor. Hate him? Try a second, or even third one. If they are all telling you the same thing, you need to start listening to them. Obviously, I don't know you well enough to say the absolute best treatment or even your diagnosis, but 1 month of mushrooms should not cause 3 years of the symptoms you're describing. Much more likely it is a psychiatric illness, or you've been smoking WAY TOO MUCH WEED, and NEED to stop as it is increasing the delusional thinking. Weed has serious effects on some people, don't let people tell you otherwise. It's just one of the safest drug of a hell of a lot of drugs that can be quite dangerous for certain people.

TLDR: You were almost certainly NOT damaged by the mushrooms. Either way you are either smoking WAY TOO MUCH WEED AND NEED TO STOP, or you have a psychiatric illness and need to start working with your doctors. Find one you don't hate and give them a shot. Your first post is the post of someone who is VERY high, or suffering a psychiatric illness, please look into treatments. And if you do have a psychiatric illness, know there are top tier professors with schizophrenia, you just need to manage the symptoms, and with your already high functional level, that could be you. I hope I'm wrong about everything I said and you're totally going to be fine in a month or two or less, but after 3 years it is time to stop waiting and start acting in you best interests, whatever those are. I wish you luck dude.

(please note, I am not a medical professional, I do have experience working with psychiatric patients and am studying to be a RN, but I am not there yet, and so my advice is not medical advice, just advice from a random guy) Again good luck
 
All great advice. I would just add that herbal extracts (alcohol tinctures) such as st. John's Wort, Holy Basil - Tulsi, Milky Oats seed can all be very helpful in "bringing you back".
 
that response worries me- the more i ask people close to me and have known me for a long time, they say i don't have it but they also could be in denial

the only things i can self diagnose myself with there is 1) i can maybe sometimes feel things that aren't there, like a connection or if I'm really hitting on a girl but she's not into it, I'm pretty sure we all do that though
2) delusions, which I'm sure we all have we all have our quirks and sometimes ill connect a bird chirping with something good happening at the moment or something. sometimes i get delusions of grandeur (I'm the best at etc) which i obviously do not take to heart
3) i definitely have disorganized speech and thought at times but i feel like this is due to all my past drug use which was very heavy

all in all i saw a therapist and she said i opened a door which cannot be closed with my month long use of shrooms and to not do any more heavy drugs. but i still don't feel normal. I've been taking some anti psychotic other than abilify which makes me sick and unable to do anything so I'm kind of at a loss. I'm taking an mri on wednesday so we'll see for sure what happens then. thanks everybody for your responses!

ps when i wrote the original post i still had weed and alcohol in my system, always doing these drugs makes me feel like somethings wrong with me
 
[/QUOTE] ps when i wrote the original post i still had weed and alcohol in my system, always doing these drugs makes me feel like somethings wrong with me
And there is your continued problem!!
 
that response worries me- the more i ask people close to me and have known me for a long time, they say i don't have it but they also could be in denial

the only things i can self diagnose myself with there is 1) i can maybe sometimes feel things that aren't there, like a connection or if I'm really hitting on a girl but she's not into it, I'm pretty sure we all do that though
2) delusions, which I'm sure we all have we all have our quirks and sometimes ill connect a bird chirping with something good happening at the moment or something. sometimes i get delusions of grandeur (I'm the best at etc) which i obviously do not take to heart
3) i definitely have disorganized speech and thought at times but i feel like this is due to all my past drug use which was very heavy

all in all i saw a therapist and she said i opened a door which cannot be closed with my month long use of shrooms and to not do any more heavy drugs. but i still don't feel normal. I've been taking some anti psychotic other than abilify which makes me sick and unable to do anything so I'm kind of at a loss. I'm taking an mri on wednesday so we'll see for sure what happens then. thanks everybody for your responses!

ps when i wrote the original post i still had weed and alcohol in my system, always doing these drugs makes me feel like somethings wrong with me


I'm not very experienced with this kind of stuff, I mean I've tripped before but not tons of time like you, but I feel like not too many therapists worth their salt would actually come out and say the bolded statement.

How can a therapist know that kind of thing for sure?

That sounds like catastrophic thinking.
 
I've heard it a few times- from people mostly in the spiritual community (yoga teachers, healers)

it kind of makes sense but there is a deep down weird ass maybe untrue part of me that thinks hey if i fuckin opened this shit i can fuckin close it back up

but then i think about how mushrooms OPEN your mind..... if i opened it up to a certain point.... will it ever go back to the way it was?

i remember getting a lululemon bag around that time three years ago that said "mans brain, once stretched by a new idea, never retains its original dimensions"

I'm really considering not living life anymore if i have to deal with whatever this is every day

its just not worth it. instead of sex being the thing that feels so good its like I'm constantly just brain-orgasming like when you're getting revelations tripping and its stupid

its a nightmare at this point
 
ps when i wrote the original post i still had weed and alcohol in my system, always doing these drugs makes me feel like somethings wrong with me
And there is your continued problem!!

to me, i really don't feel like the universe would deprive me of having casual fun with substances like this unless i really fucked up somewhere along the way

if I'm at a festival or on a bender at some point i will feel like there is a part of me missing

technically i should be able to just smoke weed and drink and shit occasionally but right now i only can totally enjoy it either a) once in a while or b) if i do some hard ass knock yo ass down HIIT exercise work the same day

the other thing that makes me feel something is wrong with me is getting close to someone
i HAVE NOT been able to have that strong close knit kind of friendship like i used to have before this all went down
i don't even miss people or feel connection.... i tried getting in a relationship and it just led me to this point


^^^^
thats what really is making me write this thread. i don't believe I'm going to be able to have a close relationship with ANYBODY ever again, get healthily married etc
totally makes me want to sob

i have to work 5000 times harder than the next dude just to function
still comes with its drawbacks either way

i don't get how i can abuse drugs and not come back fully from it if I've literally been the best person i can be every god damn day. did rehab sobriety service amends everything


whats weird is the anti psychotic medication kind of ruins my life- i can barely even talk to people on it
would i have schizo if they worked right? do i not because they fuck me up
if i did give myself schizophrenia or if its a latent condition I'm killing myself hahah
we'll know forsure on wednesday - will compare my mri scans with those of mental illness
 
Different people have different abilities to move and groove with people - some seem to be able to pull friends and relationships out of thin air, others struggle. Some can practice and get good at it.

My friend and myself as example - both odd fucks who shunned society unless we were absolutely wasted. Long story short he had an addiction and spent years holed up on his own loosing what little social skills he had - I worked on mine in work and developing relationships. Nowadays I have great skills that I use subconsciously while his, although improved, are lacking.

Look man, you say your shit has not been together for some time and no matter who seems to post on this site the info doesn't change much - good diet, activity, rest and avoid substances. You don't have to do it forever, just until reality comes back into focus. You'll end up enjoying more, quicker.

Sorry that the anti-psychotic drugs are so harsh, I am are of them and I don't know one that is not a scary as fucker of a drug. The sooner you adopt healthy approaches to life, (look to the 8 fold path for a great approach to life and no I'm not a Buddhist); clear the head of the crap you and society put in it, (avoid social media like fb); and find your own space - something that makes you feel alive be it music, painting or masturbation, the sooner you will find an acceptable reality and hopefully no longer need them.

Unfortunately your journey is taking a tough route and with the tools advised here you should (if you use them) start to clear the brush and make way for a smooth part of your journey.

Take care.
 
I appreciate it. I just feel like I'm perma-fried and can't come back.

I probably can though. Cancer patients make full recoveries. Doctors aren't always right
I'm going to compare my brain scans with those of schizophrenia and I'm kind of flipping out so send prayers!
 
I appreciate it. I just feel like I'm perma-fried and can't come back.

I probably can though. Cancer patients make full recoveries. Doctors aren't always right
I'm going to compare my brain scans with those of schizophrenia and I'm kind of flipping out so send prayers!

Love and good wishes coming your way. We can all come back. I thought I too had done permanent damage using LSD and cannabis (and alcohol) a lot I felt that disconnect at a time when I was disconnected from society. I kicked all illicit drugs LSD for almost 20 years, cannabis about 10 and cut down on drinking. It took a LONG time for me to feel like I was before but it did come; little by little I changed back.

Do not look any more for problems, look for solutions. If you have been given a diagnosis of some mental health issue, fine - work with it. It doesn't matter what illness anyone does or does not have - a healthy life style remains the same and will benefit all.

Try going vegan, focusing on how you are not involved (as far as you can manage) to not be causing any harm and in fact helping the environment. That one change can make larger happier and healthier changes occur, and the veganism need not be forever, just so that you kick start yourself into a healthier lifestyle.

Feed your mind with positive and uplifting music and art. Don't look at schizophrenia sufferers brain scans or compare yourself to anyone else. Set your goals and work towards them - even falling flat on your face you are still moving forwards! If you surround yourself with beauty you will find beauty everywhere you look.

When you are presented with a situation where you have to talk with someone OR are in someone's company where you could initiate a conversation look on it as a level in a game - you got to talk shit for 5 minutes to progress to the next level. Don't try and think for the other person (eg they will think I am weird if I speak so I better stay quiet - they might think you are weird because you DON'T speak) it cannot be done no matter what. Look on it as practice for a time when you need to talk with others.

Finally don't stress about a relationship. They carry a lot of stress and you don't need any more in your life at the moment. Work on being a good partner on your own develop your positive traits while getting rid of the negative ones and in time the right person will appear, (I know that sounds a bit cheesey but that is the way it works).

Stay positive. Hope some of what I have said makes sense and helps.

Oh yeah - if you feel the need for a good cry have it, there is a lot of healing in tears. Just make sure you have the comfort and privacy of your own place to have a good wail, it looks a bit odd in the checkout line in Tesco :)
 
hey poptarts the advice everyone is giving you is good, you just need to slow down and let your mind and body rejuvenate.
tripping takes a lot out of the body and the brain, they both need nutrition and rest from all the drugs for awhile, you'll be fine but it may take awhile.
all the drugs mean the alcohol and maybe slow down on the weed too, but you will be ok. As for the relationships and marriage,
I'm a Viet Nam vet with ptsd was an acid head ex junky still like weed occasionally and shrooms and I still managed to have a great 35 yrs with the love of my life.
you can do it if I can.
 
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