Hey guys. I need some encouragement, or advice, or a kick in the rear. I don?t know.
I hope this is the right place to put this?I?m sorta new here.
Here?s the deal: currently a sophomore in college. I was a heavy cannabis user (recreationally, not medicinally) for the spring semester of senior year of high-school through my freshman year of college. I love(d) the stuff. Too much. Smoked every day I could, taking breaks only when I?d go on vacations or spend time with my family?but even then, still smoked if I could manage. Often multiple times a day. Occasionally going to class high. Unfortunately, however, I developed Cannabinoid Hyperemesis Syndrome (look it up: it?s real, it?s not anti-weed propaganda). Very rare, with only 0.5% of chronic smokers developing it, most of whom have smoked 7+ years. I?m the unlucky one I guess, developed it very fast compared to most, and it is pure hell. I?d choose a bad flu over it any day. Last time it hit, I couldn?t keep down any substantial amount of food from Sunday to Thursday. Lost 10 pounds. Pure hell. Truly and without exaggeration the sickest I?ve ever been.
So I had to quit smoking weed. In its stead, I started using Kratom, which is pretty nice, but I developed a tolerance after using it 2-4 times a day in varying dosages for approximately 1.5 months. Ran out and went through a very mild but certainly noticeable withdrawals for about 3-4 days. Wasn?t debilitating, just annoying.
So I started fucking around with harder opiates. Mostly oxy, and I made sure to space it out such that I don?t develop a dependence because REAL addiction scares the hell out of me. I try to be responsible w my drug use.
Also benzos. I don?t get much out of them and feel like, perhaps, I have a naturally high tolerance to them. Idk, they?re nice and all but better with weed or booze. Just relaxing.
Here?s my issue: while I used weed I developed not a physical addiction, but a psychological addiction to it. After having quit the stuff, the psychological addiction remains. I don?t feel right, or happy, or calm at the end of the day if I don?t have at least a buzz off something. I?m not currently addicted to anything?well, nicotine (I have a juul, quit cigarettes), maybe caffeine?but I find myself addicted to escaping sobriety. I?ve always thought the concept of escapism was just fascinating, as it seems to be such a crucial part to so many peoples lives (in the form of drugs or alcohol, but also TV, masturbation or sex, you name it) since highschool, and now I?ve found myself addicted to escaping the sober world. I?m a happy person, I don?t struggle with anxiety or depression anymore (I got on Lexapro 5mg and it?s been really life changing), I have great friends and a wonderful girlfriend: frankly, I don?t have much to escape from. Even still, I feel addicted not to a certain substance, but to the feeling of leaving sobriety to unwind at the end of the day. It?s not like i want to get fucked up, just obliterated and senseless; but a day that doesn?t end with some kind of buzz doesn?t feel right. I have a hard time sleeping sober, even if I just take Benadryl or Clonidine.
TL;DR I?m not addicted to any hard substances in particular but feel like I have a psychological addiction to escaping sobriety. Need some advice/encouragement/shared experience on how to deal with this.
I hope this is the right place to put this?I?m sorta new here.
Here?s the deal: currently a sophomore in college. I was a heavy cannabis user (recreationally, not medicinally) for the spring semester of senior year of high-school through my freshman year of college. I love(d) the stuff. Too much. Smoked every day I could, taking breaks only when I?d go on vacations or spend time with my family?but even then, still smoked if I could manage. Often multiple times a day. Occasionally going to class high. Unfortunately, however, I developed Cannabinoid Hyperemesis Syndrome (look it up: it?s real, it?s not anti-weed propaganda). Very rare, with only 0.5% of chronic smokers developing it, most of whom have smoked 7+ years. I?m the unlucky one I guess, developed it very fast compared to most, and it is pure hell. I?d choose a bad flu over it any day. Last time it hit, I couldn?t keep down any substantial amount of food from Sunday to Thursday. Lost 10 pounds. Pure hell. Truly and without exaggeration the sickest I?ve ever been.
So I had to quit smoking weed. In its stead, I started using Kratom, which is pretty nice, but I developed a tolerance after using it 2-4 times a day in varying dosages for approximately 1.5 months. Ran out and went through a very mild but certainly noticeable withdrawals for about 3-4 days. Wasn?t debilitating, just annoying.
So I started fucking around with harder opiates. Mostly oxy, and I made sure to space it out such that I don?t develop a dependence because REAL addiction scares the hell out of me. I try to be responsible w my drug use.
Also benzos. I don?t get much out of them and feel like, perhaps, I have a naturally high tolerance to them. Idk, they?re nice and all but better with weed or booze. Just relaxing.
Here?s my issue: while I used weed I developed not a physical addiction, but a psychological addiction to it. After having quit the stuff, the psychological addiction remains. I don?t feel right, or happy, or calm at the end of the day if I don?t have at least a buzz off something. I?m not currently addicted to anything?well, nicotine (I have a juul, quit cigarettes), maybe caffeine?but I find myself addicted to escaping sobriety. I?ve always thought the concept of escapism was just fascinating, as it seems to be such a crucial part to so many peoples lives (in the form of drugs or alcohol, but also TV, masturbation or sex, you name it) since highschool, and now I?ve found myself addicted to escaping the sober world. I?m a happy person, I don?t struggle with anxiety or depression anymore (I got on Lexapro 5mg and it?s been really life changing), I have great friends and a wonderful girlfriend: frankly, I don?t have much to escape from. Even still, I feel addicted not to a certain substance, but to the feeling of leaving sobriety to unwind at the end of the day. It?s not like i want to get fucked up, just obliterated and senseless; but a day that doesn?t end with some kind of buzz doesn?t feel right. I have a hard time sleeping sober, even if I just take Benadryl or Clonidine.
TL;DR I?m not addicted to any hard substances in particular but feel like I have a psychological addiction to escaping sobriety. Need some advice/encouragement/shared experience on how to deal with this.
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