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Thread: progress/things i?ve learned so far in recovery

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    Quote Originally Posted by chinup View Post
    ha yeah i hadn't considered that selling a major asset counts as a life changing decision but that makes total sense. thanks!

    i still feel a bit guilt cos i've been working my ass off this month so i can buy a new bass guitar, get tattooed and have money for my holiday. i'll have earned more than i was earning in my job. i offered my dad to not buy the guitar and give him the money instead but he recognises that having stuff like that will probably benefit my recovery and the guitar money is less than 0.05% of what i owe my parents.
    Your dad is probably smart enough to realize your earning potential is far better sober then high or even dead. My advice set a calendar for 365 days from today. Until it runs out don't give another thought to the money you owe your parents. You get one year to focus soley on your health and well being. Recovery has to be selfish in the beginning. Are you in therapy? If bit you really should be. Having a pro to help sort this stuff out is very nice.
    Addicted? Want to stop? We can help! Come to the sober living forum!
    http://www.bluelight.org/vb/forums/269-Sober-Living
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    Bluelighter
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    yes he does, and my mum doesn't see it that way which is annoying. i'll actually have earned more than i was in my real career job this month around all my recovery, fitness, music and meditation stuff, ok and a lot of video games i'm not perfect lol.

    i will do that, but i'm going to caveat it with, if my parents outright ask me to sell it, i will. because risking losing their support is also a life changing decision and not a good one.

    i'm doing good today. gonna see my key worker later i've not done anywhere near enough of the work i was supposed to but never mind. i am getting professional help with an addictions counsellor once a week and am looking to start more EMDR so i can hopefully iron out the other stuff that haunts me before i start a real job again.
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    Bluelighter
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    realised 4 other things i've learned:

    - if your body is not full of crap you can really tell when you’re eating crap, to the extent it puts you off eating crap, i can also tell when i've not taken a vit b supplement in a few days.
    - mindfulness is amazing for concentration and heroin probably isn’t, i justified using for years cos it 'helped my concentration'- to be fair it stopped me being distracted by wanting gear.
    -i'm actually looking forward to getting a new job cos i think i'll get really really good at coding, like i had a reputation for being very good at programming when i was using so now i can't wait to see the improvement. its what i've felt like i was born to do so i do hope i'm better at it clean. i sound totally up myself but fuck it i'm allowing myself to say i was good at a thing that is hard to do and loads of people have told me i'm good at.
    - my parents are actually fucking amazing. i hated them when i got into rehab for taking away my drugs. i wanted them to just pay my bills and let me destroy myself til i died. i'm so glad they didn't.
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    You're sounding really good honey.

    I can see you are destined for bigger and better things. I'm so glad you have your parents for support too, that's huge.

    Good luck with the new job hunt, anyone would be lucky to have you. You're the best.

    Keep up the great job, I'm really proud of you, as always.

    Love,
    your friend,
    Ash.
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    Bluelighter
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    thanks Ash! ha i hope you're right living at my parents and doing a dead end though well paid job is not how i intend to stay for long.

    i think i've turned a corner this week in terms of not romanticising heroin.

    2015-2016 before i moved away to get out of the situation, my life sounds like crack psychosis, except i wasn't a crack addict, i was in real danger. i was a heroin addict. I had to keep all my lights off and crawl round my house so that no knew i was in, otherwise there was a regular chance i was going to be raped by a smack dealer. he'd twigged that as soon as he called i scarpered so would stand outside my house when he called so i couldn't get away. so he couldn't know i was home. i got obsessed with murdering him and knew if i tried anything i'd come out worse so moved cities. through talking to other addicts i've come to the realisation that dealers use sexual violence cos its good for business. this period, the worst of my life bar the end of my using, had nothing to do with crack, which i find it too easy to blame my problems on. i can't let heroin off the hook for this one. stupid thing is if no one else was on i'd still buy drugs from him.

    i don't think i'd have got so bad with my addiction without this episode. so heroin really did absolutely destroy my life. not such an attractive prospect.

    sure in a couple of weeks i'll be posting how badly i want a dark now.
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    OMG chinup,

    Your life before sounds frightening, I NEVER want that life for you again. I am so happy you are doing so well. I'm here for you if you ever need anything.

    Very proud of you, much love honey.

    Your friend,
    Ash.

    Quote Originally Posted by chinup View Post
    thanks Ash! ha i hope you're right living at my parents and doing a dead end though well paid job is not how i intend to stay for long.

    i think i've turned a corner this week in terms of not romanticising heroin.

    2015-2016 before i moved away to get out of the situation, my life sounds like crack psychosis, except i wasn't a crack addict, i was in real danger. i was a heroin addict. I had to keep all my lights off and crawl round my house so that no knew i was in, otherwise there was a regular chance i was going to be raped by a smack dealer. he'd twigged that as soon as he called i scarpered so would stand outside my house when he called so i couldn't get away. so he couldn't know i was home. i got obsessed with murdering him and knew if i tried anything i'd come out worse so moved cities. through talking to other addicts i've come to the realisation that dealers use sexual violence cos its good for business. this period, the worst of my life bar the end of my using, had nothing to do with crack, which i find it too easy to blame my problems on. i can't let heroin off the hook for this one. stupid thing is if no one else was on i'd still buy drugs from him.

    i don't think i'd have got so bad with my addiction without this episode. so heroin really did absolutely destroy my life. not such an attractive prospect.

    sure in a couple of weeks i'll be posting how badly i want a dark now.
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    Bluelighter
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    Thanks so much ash. I never want it again either.

    How are you getting on?

    It does show how powerful heroin is though. I literally hadno idea how awful it was til I came into recovery. That's why it was so hard when I got clean, I had sp much unprocessed stuff to deal with.

    I'm getting tattooed again, think I had a needle fixation and didn't realise.
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    Hi hon,

    I'm doing alright, thanks for asking.

    Try to be kind and patient with yourself through all this too, you have come so far, I just want to make sure you really understand how special you are. I hope you're cutting yourself some slack, you really are the best.

    I think everything will heal with time.

    What kind of tattoo will you get?

    Much love, here if you need anything,
    your friend,
    Ash.
    Quote Originally Posted by chinup View Post
    Thanks so much ash. I never want it again either.

    How are you getting on?

    It does show how powerful heroin is though. I literally hadno idea how awful it was til I came into recovery. That's why it was so hard when I got clean, I had sp much unprocessed stuff to deal with.

    I'm getting tattooed again, think I had a needle fixation and didn't realise.
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    Bluelighter
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    Glad you're alright!! Hope that upgrades to good soon. Even if i have like 5 seconds of feeling really positive per day, it makes a massive impact on my overall mood.

    I got a tattoo based on the bird half of this: M C Escher birds - the first part has a black band with negative space birds then the triangle of birds, yesterday she went over all the black cos we'd had to rush last night cos she went way over time. then added some outline birds and one with some detail on my shoulder. fuck me getting loads of black on your inner arm really hurts. but i can totally see why tattoos are addictive. i was disappointed after the first session cos it hadn't really hurt. this time it did and though i didn't like it at the time, i felt amazing afterwards. fucking endorphins innit oh my god.

    i've been reading a book about why addiction is not a disease and its really interesting. it explains why trying not to do drugs just doesn't work. there's a phenomenon called 'ego fatigue' where once you've resisted something for a while, you get way way worse at resisting. its like a mini version of the way addiction changes your brain, but it happens to everyone. that's why its so important to shift perspective. so for me i'm quite glad to have gone from thinking speedballs were super fun to thinking they're a sign of someone who's really sick and needs a lot of help.
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    Bluelighter
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    also fuck me this song stopped me in my tracks yesterday, can't find the music thread so here will do: grand collapse- trapped

    amazing musically and lyrically just aaarrrrrgghhhh:

    We sat huddled  near the top  of the staircase and exchanged  worried expressions.  We'd been here before.  Just sit tight  and breath.... . It’s no use. Their voices continued to rise; one hostile, one out of fear . There was fuck all we could do. The front door too far to reach, the landline was out of sight.... You can never know for sure when all this becomes the norm. When you're lips are sealed out of shame and fear and you can’t fight back tears..... When you're  praying that someone else will somehow hear.


    but now that my hands are no longer  trembling or small I'd like to see that prick once more. Retribution would be swift.... How many of these walls are hiding similar scenes? Violence? Distress? How many of these faces are masking what they have seen, and can't forget? Freedom peace & love are kept at bay until the built up rage begins to fade. I'll get there some day. We'll arrive some day.
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    I just wanted to say hello chinup. Sounds like you're doing well, and doing interesting stuff!! That's really great. You've come so far. I'm sincerely happy for you! Keep up the good work. 🙂😎
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    Such a cool/interesting tune!! Thanks for sharing.

    Your tattoo sounds really cool too honey, you have very creative ideas you know. Are you artistic yourself, you sound like you are.

    How are you doing today? Really proud of you.

    Love ya,
    Ash.
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    Bluelighter
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    10!! i was worried about you! how's it going?

    and glad you liked the tune ash. i'm seeing that band at manchester punk festival later this year super psyched. i was trying to learn to draw in rehab, and am learning the bass, get my new one delivered tomorrow!! but i don't consider myself artistic, though i must be creative cos of the science work i've done, reasoning about quantum mechanics in really high dimensional spaces requires creativity i think.

    benefits of recovery are rolling in thick and fast now, but one of them i'm super nervous about. i'm meeting my friends twins who are nearly 2 on saturday. i am really nervous. its not really forgivable to not be around for 2 years when someone you care about has such important life changes. i don't know how to explain myself. he doesn't know about the addiction. unless our mutual friend who worked it out has told him. he just knows that i've not been in touch, then got in touch out of the blue. he's a super lovely person and non judgemental but in a way that makes me feel worse for being such a scumbag and bad friend.
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    Bluelighter
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    My new bass has arrived. I'm on my way home to it now,. Didn't want to go to a meeting cos I wanted to be there when it arrived but so glad I did. Really powerful main share reminded me if I take my eye off the ball I'll be back in a crack house degrading myself for money.
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    Don't ever go back honey.

    I'm really proud you went to the meeting, keep making good choices. Much love honey.

    Your friend,
    Ash.
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    Bluelighter
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    i don't plan to!!

    argh in a funny mood today. seeing my friend who i've not seen for years and finally meeting his babies, a bit nervous but i just gotta tell the truth, though i don't plan to go into any great detail.

    then i'm going to see Brian Cox at the Manchester Arena. Security is nuts. Understandable really but it means there'll be a lot of waiting around. Manchester was actually a frequent target of terrorism during the troubles, but people very rarely died. The IRA would firebomb the Arndale every week and people made a point of shopping there and just walking past shops on fire. Then they blew up the Arndale in its entirety. Nobody died cos a tip off 20 mins before was sufficient to evacuate the entire area, that bomb got rid of an ugly ugly building and spurred regeneration, though we got no money from London to rebuild. Badly needed by the entirety of the North of England. The last bomb was pretty different. This is truly the greatest city on Earth and its sad we have to live this way.

    I guess going to the arena is a fuck you to terrorism but I'm fecked off, anyway, I was one of the million that marched in London against the Iraq war. I was 16 and even then I could see this was where it would lead.
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    Bluelighter
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    argh fuck me. my first thought this morning was 'i wish i'd never been born.' at something past 5am. having had difficulty getting to sleep. i think this is the worst day by far i've had this year. i've not wanted to use though the thought passed through my head.

    i made a complete prat of myself in my group therapy thing by breaking down crying.

    yesterday until just before bed i was feeling super optimistic cos i got e-mailed out of the blue by someone who wants help with something. if it comes off then i'd maybe get to co present it at a very prestigious conference. it would give me a real project to get myself back into coding, which i need to do anyway before i start applying for jobs later in the year. it would be fucking awesome. also, since i didn't write the submission, i just give feedback cos its on the topic of my PhD and the guy who contacted me is a relative newcomer to the field, i'm not emotionally attached, so the rejection wouldn't be too bad and acceptance would be amazing.

    then i make a stupid mistake and want to die.

    i just want today to be over and start tomorrow with a more positive first thought.

    i'm actually really glad i had to go into the drug services today though and had my breakdown in there, anywhere else it would have been a lot more dangerous and damaging.

    i really don't know anything about life whatsoever. everything i do for the first time without drugs is basically like the first time full stop, i get anxious and don't know if i can handle it. in fact i probably get more anxious now cos i associate everything i've ever done basically with using, so everything feels a bit risky.

    i don't really understand why people get happy about getting their emotions back. my negative ones vastly outweigh the positive ones.
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    Bluelighter
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    went to a meeting and feel loads better. the thursday one is really special to me. its the first meeting i went to in my parents area. a particular guy told me every time i saw him 'go to rehab,' i never thought i was bad enough. i made the decisions to call to make enquiries about rehab, to go and look at the rehab, and to actually go to rehab, because of what he said to me, every good decision i made last year while i was still using was at the thursday meeting. somehow he could convince me when no one else could.

    tonight he shared about how he feels that his higher power communicates with him through what people say.

    gonna do some meditation, write my diary and have an early night.
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    Bluelighter
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    progress isn't as obvious now. at the start it was super fast, didn't take long til i didn't look like a half dead skeleton anymore. now i look alive, my weight has stabilised, my mood hasn’t, but lows tend to be shorter.

    been doing this meditation course + practising at home and i think i’m improving and trying to be mindful in general. its made me realise how much pure bollocks i think. like utterly pointless planning, alternate planning, going over the past, endless what ifs. i can totally see why i get so anxious now. i’m hoping that that’ll help me stop.

    i’ve finished my 90 in 90 which i’m relieved about cos i added 4 extra hours of therapy a week and that was my limit energy wise, my recovery program was more than a full time job and i’m doing paid work on top. still hoping to make 5 meetings a week for the time being.

    the obsession to use has been lifted. i don’t really care if that would have happened anyway without the meetings cos i find them useful. i was still obsessed with drugs when i left rehab and now i probably only think about them a couple of times a day, and the vast majority of that is in a very negative light.
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