progress/things i?ve learned so far in recovery

[Jabberwocky]

i?ve just moved into secondary care after just over 4 weeks in primary care, am 34 days clean and on my first night at my parents, back to safety tomorrow. i kinda want somewhere to list my progress and figured here is as good a place as any. i?d be really interested to hear any revelations anyone else has had in recovery, either good or bad? what were the most helpful things you learner?

- i?m a textbook drug addict, i thought i was coming into rehab for crack and heroin and realised i?d abused the shit out of every drug i?d ever been near

- injecting cocaine causes tinnitus

- i?m still resistant to recovery, possibly because i don?t know who i am without drugs

- emotional development stops when you start using drugs frequently, so emotionally i?m 16, but will catch 5 years up every for every year of recovery

-i am petrified of throwing away my benzo stash, i?ve had one as a security blanket for 13 years.

- grandiose notions of happiness are addictions way of stopping you entering recovery

- even though my life is objectively just as shit as before i stopped using, my dopamine receptors are getting repaired and joy and laughter about trivial things is now possible

- nothing is as bad or as hard as i thought.

- i have massive issues with my mum

- i?m somehwat autistic

- i have C-PTSD but was fucked up way before the trauma

- EMDR and ART are unbelievably amazing, but its annoying that i can?t use on the stuff i worked through anymore

- once you?re clean you have a choice, i can?t use being an addict as an excuse to use anymore, also annoying

- my life has been hard and i should forgive myself for running into difficulties

- i?ve been in massive denial about my drug problem. i?ve been a drug addict for half my life, not 5 years, i?ve been addicted to heroin for 6 years, not 5, and am still psychologically addicted to benzos despite kicking the physical addiction 5 years ago

- caffeine and sugar are more addictive than heroin and crack (all these substances are banned in rehab)

- my vision is blurry cos i need glasses, not cos my pupils have been continuously dilated for years

- people don?t hate me when i?m honest about what i am

- i don?t use on the first opportunity despite the complete alienness of this length of time not using, what a relief!!!

i really didn?t know how i?d do today but i went to NA, went on a run, did some paid work, and am now going to bed. almost like a normal person.

 

[aihfl]

I'm not surprised about the tinnitus. I would have it bad during/after multi-day drinking binges. I still have a benzo stash, but I never abused them unless I was drinking, and they helped immensely during difficult times when I was unable to drink for legal reasons. But your situation is strictly between you and your doctor. My psychiatrist continues to prescribe them for me because between benzos and alcohol, he considers benzos to be the far lesser evil for me and I know that doesn't apply to everyone.

I'm happy to hear that you sound well on your way to realizing a better you. That's a lot of stuff learned in just 34 days. Congratulations to you - I wish you nothing but the best.

 

[Stargazer]

Good job chinup!

Could you even imagine not using when an opportunity to presented itself a month ago? Isn't that wonderful?

Well done.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

Great job man, you're doing awesome. I can relate to so much of what you said, especially the thing about being emotionally 16 still. I'm 25 but still feel 19 which is when I became hooked on heroin, but the more clean time I get the more I feel I'm "catching up". Just wanted to point out there is no way by any possible metric that anyone could describe caffeine as being more addictive than heroin. More widespread, yeah. More addictive, absolutely no way.

 

[Stargazer]

Something I've learned is, due to having an insane tolerance to opiates when I was using daily (a gram and a half, sometimes 2 grams a day and 300mg of prescribed morphine) - I experience w/d symptoms after using -- even after not using for a year and a half.

It's called a kindling effect. How it was explained to me is : Your brain takes about 5yrs to heal. Due to the amount of receptors created from such a high tolerance, each time you use, it's like tearing the scab off a wound that's in the process of trying to heal.

Makes sense anyway. My first screw-up after a year and a half clean from IV heroin use, was orally taking 3 5mg Percocet. I had about 15 of them. I took them all within 48hrs.

I experienced restless leg/body syndrome, restlessness, insomnia from that. Less intense than other w/d I've experienced. But unpleasant nevertheless.

I honestly couldn't believe it! I thought "maybe I'm crazy and don't realize it". As in maybe I was making it up, and wasn't capable of realizing it. I was reading a megathread on BL and came across the term kindling. It made sense.

So yeah. One of the many things I learned from getting clean.

 

[Stargazer]

Damn sorry for repeat post - I'm not able to edit on.my phone w/o losing my entire body post. I apologize chinup and aihfl.
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For me, I loved when my ears started ringing and my hearing became like I was underwater after IV use of cocaine. It meant I was about to be very f'd up.

I only used coke very occasionally. It finally occurred to me, while in jail thinking, "That's dangerous! It's my body getting dangerously close to overdosing". For whatever reason, I have a high tolerance with cocaine, even though I rarely use it.

I haven't injected coke in 4yrs. I decided in jail, it was far too dangerous w my need to do such a high amount.

Do your ears ring chronically from cocaine chinup? I'm just curious because it was a random comment. Fortunately, I don't experience ringing in my ears daily. I hope you don't either

 

[Jabberwocky]

Just wanted to point out there is no way by any possible metric that anyone could describe caffeine as being more addictive than heroin. More widespread, yeah. More addictive, absolutely no way.

you are right. i've just been massively surprised by how much of an issue not having caffeine has been for me, and i get super excited when i go to a fellowship meeting so i can have a real cuppa and a biscuit. i guess its partly cos i'm allowed these things. if i was going somewhere there was free heroin and i was 'allowed' it i'd probably be in there 100x faster.

i have craved heroin a lot, and convinced myself at times that my pain is special so i should be able to use. i've not craved light at all.

I experience w/d symptoms after using

thanks so much for explaining!! i get that, and other people who've had long term opiate problems have experienced it. i remember being super disappointed after a month off being sick after very little use. now i know if i use once i'm back to a full time habit, cos even the tiny rattle is pretty difficult if you can just get rid of it by using gear, and happen to really love it.

and yes, my ears now chronically ring. my 'last ever' speedball (nb was not my last speedball but was in my head at the time) was the closest i've ever been to dying and had my ears with that underwater feeling for about 2 weeks and the ringing has not stopped, its got better and sometimes i notice its gone for brief periods but its there most of the time.

i'll go back tonight and submit a clean piss test. its not even been hard. that is a miracle. to answer your previous question 10years- nope, after any enforced time off i'd be back on it, often having stuff waiting for me at a train station so i didn't waste a minute.

i've caught myself wondering if crystal meth shows up on their drug test though. i'm guessing it comes out as amphetamines. i'm not asking, i don't wanna cheat their test, i don't wanna use, i'm just shocked at my own brain. i was relieved benzos had left my system according to the test before i came out, cos i'd have been too tempted to use and blame the positive test coming back in on that.

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aaarrrrggggghhhhh! i have just caught my brain having the thought that i could sneak some pills back with me, and take them AFTER i give the clean test. what the actual fuck? addiction runs fucking deep.

did anyone else find their brain coming up ways to game the system even though they have fully submitted to and really want recovery? is this my fucking life now?

 

[Rio Fantastic]

You are going to have those insidious thoughts for a long time. One way I've found to manage them is "Thought Disputation", where you immediately challenge non-constructive thoughts. A recent example for me is when I had the thought "Maybe I can just use for today" pop into my head, I challenged it with "Can I? Have I ever been able to moderate heroin/crack? What will the consequences be?" then replaced the thought with "Right now my mind is looking for excuses to use, but in reality I CANNOT moderate drug use and can't undo all the progress I've been making".

 

[Stargazer]

chinup, I'm sorry about your ears ringing! That has to get maddening. Hopefully, it will pass. I've had some bizarre symptoms we when detoxing, i.e. lost my vision for 2 days, my legs were completely paralyzed for about 2 days, seizures from opiates only - I rarely drink alcohol or take benzos.

Hopefully it's a symptom from your body re-balancing itself.

I'm pretty sure crystal meth would show up lol. Your mind is just doing what it's accustomed to doing.

jdfisse put it well - something like : a fish swims, a bird flies, a drug addict uses. So right. We're just thinking about what feels normal to our minds.

Rio is right! Those thoughts are going to happen. Be honest with yourself - you can't casually use. If you could, you wouldn't have needed treatment. I am 100% positive that I can't use "just once" or "keep using to just the weekend".

Maybe there are people that can, but I'm not one of them. Keep doing what you're doing. Continue working on yourself. I wish you the very best!

 

[jdfisse]

did anyone else find their brain coming up ways to game the system even though they have fully submitted to and really want recovery? is this my fucking life now?

Chinup. You are not alone. I am over 6 years in to complete abstinence and living a program of recovery and my mind is constantly looking for ways to "game" the system. It is rarely thoughts of drug use today, but it is still conjuring self-destructive plans. Mindful awareness helps tremendously. Most of the time I find humor in how twisted my first thought is. You are going to be okay. In fact, you already are okay. Sometimes it takes some time for my feelings of "okayness" to catch up to my reality of being okay. I have learned that if I wait around in the "okayness" for long enough I will eventually feel "okay". I never gave myself the chance to experience that in the past. When I didn't feel "okay" I just used, which meant I used 24/7. My feelings of not being "okay" are just fleeting moments today. It has been 2,250 days since I have truly not been "okay".

 

[Stargazer]

Well done and well said jd. .

I really like this : "Sometimes it takes time for my feelings of 'okayness' to catch up to my reality of being okay. I have learned that if I wait around in the 'okayness' for long enough I will eventually feel 'okay'". Yes yes and yes.

That's it in a nutshell. They're the moments in recovery you need a plan in place. Such as calling a sober friend for support, going to a meeting, whatever. Even turning on a movie you would enjoy. Something to help you persevere in your "okayness".

 

[ladyhlove]

Yeah, I def. think about trying to cheat the game myself. A bit comforting that someone with 6 years sober still thinks the same at times, jd.

I also agree, 10, about the being ok. When I was still struggling on subs and still using I would often not feel ok, call the dealer, and then feel ok...but, ya know, I already made that call...can't be rude and not show up right? lol oh being an addict...

 

[Jabberwocky]

thanks so much everyone. its so comforting to know this is normal and that i'm not just failing horrifically. the immediate thought disputation is a good idea, though will take some training to recognise when you need to do it and remember to do it.

argh i triggered myself watching this and found myself so jealous of how smacked out of their faces they are. i'm watching a man who died choking on his own vomit and am jealous of him being under the influence of a drug that's known for killing people in that way.

now i've peeled away a lot of the trauma i'm starting to feel a bit hopeless. i was suicidal aged 6 and when i got my drugs education at about 10 i just knew i wanted those no matter how bad. i've always felt i was born broken- disrupted attachment likely contributes to that- and now i feel like i was born an addict. i've had 2 dreams about b in 4 days. i'm so so relieved i'm still in rehab but i'm worried this shit runs too deep. i feel really sad about losing dark even though its made me hate myself for so long.

i'm trying to focus on the positives, i've helped my recovery by being honest with the staff about my thoughts around the drug test.

10 those symptoms sound nuts!! were you coming off normal b or was it fentanyl etc?

 

[somnilicious]

Me too 10YearsGone and JD!! Great stuff and something I really needed to hear.

"Sometimes it takes time for my feelings of 'okayness' to catch up to my reality of being okay. I have learned that if I wait around in the 'okayness' for long enough I will eventually feel 'okay'". Yes yes and yes.

 

[Stargazer]

Chinup,

I watched the video. I actually didn't feel triggered - and yes that are out of their gourds fucked up lol.

You know why I wasn't triggered? Because I know the end of the story already. Yes, at the moment, they were high. But, its going to end and then they'll be sick. And the whole insatiable, insane scrambling to get high.

Trying to come up with enough money or even if you have money, waiting to hear from the dealer or waiting for them to show up. Uuuggh. Dope is great....until you run out. And you always run out.

Are they in a bathroom lol? I've never heard of them. Are they a band you follow? Just curious. I'm a music person and always be love hearing back from music stories.

Chinup, my cold turkey detoxes were traumatic and horrible. At that time, I was on 300mg a day of prescribed MS Contin (time-released morphine) and doing a gram and a half, sometimes two a day of intravenous heroin.

Yes, it was insane. I had seizures. Bad ones. I wasn't on fent regularly. But I did get patches illicitely. I'd put them in my mouth. About 150mcg's and could function. My tolerance was very high.

I also literally couldn't see for 2 days or use my legs. And I was too sick to even care. I couldn't believe how bad it got. All while in jail.

So yeah. That's how it goes w dope. How you're feeling is totally normal. You're still very early in recovery. But, you are doing so well! It takes time chinup. No one gets struck sober lol. It's really a process. Be patient. Take your time. You're doing the best you can.

Somni! Hi partner. It's always great to see you around. I really liked what JD said. Glad you saw what you needed to today. Love ya Somni.

 

[somnilicious]

Hey Chinup, That kind of thought process is quite normal in early recovery. Your brain is used to having drugs to provide those pleasurable neurochemicals, so it is using every trick possible to induce you into giving it what it is lacking, which is it's normal indigenous(internal) happy, calming juices. As you are starting to learn it can be quite crafty and persuasive in it's attempts at prompting you to use. Over time your brain will slowly start returning to its normal state and those thoughts, cravings and drug dreams will become less frequent and less powerful.

I have found that in times of stress my brain starts trying to convince me to use. I know this is because it is so used to me covering up those feelings by using and so it anticipates the event based on past experience. Dopamine isn't just a pleasure chemical. It also ingrains the brain with a powerful memory that becomes a learned motivating factor. Basically your brain is equating using drugs as being as essential to the survival and continuation of yourself as food and sex. When my brain realizes that I am not going to capitulate to its immediate direct attempts at getting me to use it changes tact and will become more subtle and deceptive. It's scary to know I am in a battle with a brain I can't trust.


One way to picture it is that there is two parts of your brain involved in this process the Amygdala and the prefrontal cortex. The amygdala is the primitive emotion based center of the brain, where fear and pleasure are triggered and the prefrontal cortex is the rational part of the brain that processes information and determines the course of action to take. The amygdala is the part of your brain that will cry out for drugs during times of stress or by reminding you how pleasurable they felt. It has been proven by brain scans that the amygdala becomes stronger and the prefrontal cortex's neural pathways are weakened by addiction. That is why the decision over whether to use or not becomes so difficult because your amygdala is screaming and the weakened prefrontal cortex can't be heard over the static or make a proper decision. Over time this will start to correct itself. Just remember that it is your whiny little amygdala trying to trick you. It can't be trusted and it will hijack your prefrontal cortex and come up with all kinds of persuasive arguments as to why you should use. All LIES, LIES, LIES!!


Rio's suggestion of thought disputation is great. Also try playing the tape through. Have you ever been able to use successfully without it ever becoming a shit show? The thought you may one day be able to use and enjoy your substance of choice successfully must be abolished. Your mind has to be resigned to this fact in order to be successful in sobriety.


I too have struggled with feelings of being born broken, inadequate and have suffered a lot of trauma. I am slowly gaining confidence in myself by simply putting one foot in front of the other and living life. By doing that I am starting to learn that I am a lot more able bodied and competent than I once thought but it took time. Also by working steps and realizing that my past doesn't define me I have realized that I am able to let go of the past because the only moment that actually exists is the present and it became an exciting and empowering realization when it finally occurred to me that I have the ability to make it anything I want. It has taken several attempts at sobriety and a lot of stutter steps but each failure served as a lesson and the epiphanies and knowledge I have accumulated along the way have allowed me to steadily grow in the process. That being said I am right here with you because I only have 70 days clean, after having two separate stints of 1yr and another 9mths of sobriety. This time for some reason just feels different.


I would suggest meditating as it has actually been shown to strengthen the prefrontal cortex by the act of refocusing. It also induces alpha(calming) brain waves. I actually read an interesting book called "Why Buddhism is true", which expoused the benefits of the philosophy and meditation from a scientific viewpoint.


Message me anytime..... Love from Somni land

 

[Stargazer]

Wow Somni! Amazing information. I like your question of have you ever been able to use without it turning into a shit show?

Chinup, it takes time. (remind yourself over and over). You are truly making great progress.

The crap my phone auto types is annoying.

Two sentences I need to correct:

"Yes, they are out of their gourds fucked up lol".
"I'm a music person and love hearing music/band stories".

You're doing well. You've accomplished alot in this short time.

 

[Jabberwocky]

thanks so much for all your replies. your support and encouragement really helps. you guys and NA understand

i’m at home again. i got on a train to get me to NA, and arranged for a lady from NA to pick me up so i couldn’t even have half an hour on my own with my debit card. everyone said i looked so much better, apparently i’d looked half dead. it was so nice to feel so welcomed, and people genuinely happy to see me better. i’m 40 days clean and its still hard as fuck. i’ve been craving bad this week, not craved light at all, then suddenly wanting speedballs bad.

i’m working on my parents to get a kitten, it would really help my recovery cos my cat brings out qualities i like in myself.

i went to see a friend yesterday. it was awesome to be with someone i’m just me to, not an addict. it was my first time out with a debit card and i was responsible. the night before i’d dreamed i’d used it to score and even in my dream i didn’t want to and felt awful. but i didn’t do that, instead i enjoyed walking around birmingham- a charmless city cos most of it was so heavily bombed in WWII and hastily and soullessly rebuilt.

my parents have just told me, that according to the service that recommended my rehab, i’m one of the most complex cases that place has ever had. ffs. my addiction is feeding on that.

another thing i’ve learned:

-addiction really is progressive. but that doesn’t always mean what you think.

i didn’t realise mine was cos i progressed from substance to substance, the progression was so slow i barely noticed. it took me 16 years to get from weed, to weed + benzos, weed+ booze+benzos, weed+booze+benzos+heroin, found the one for me and also was very concerned about my liver (didn’t know b was hepatoxic) stuck with mostly heroin for 4 years, heroin + crack, heroin + crack + any other random drug. then iv’ing the b, then iv’ing both. i thought i’d just has a series of separate, albeit overlapping, addictions.

10- i’m a music person too, but only punk rock, specifically melodic hardcore, skate/pop punk, hardcore punk, crack rock steady and folk punk. its mostly been folk punk recently cos there’s so many addicts, and i needed to hear people in the same place as me (there’s some singing about recovery too). the band i posted, annoying, i don’t think they ever released anything but i listen to everything of theirs on youtube. the first time i had fun this year has t manchester punk festival, in april. that speaks volumes about crack addiction and what music means to me. and yeah i know where it ends. i doubt i’d even bother smoking if i relapsed now so i’d be straight back where i left off, in a bad place. i need to keep that at the front of my mind.

somni- thanks so much for your post! that was really interesting and makes a lot of sense. i’ve been doing mindfulness and its been useful and now i’ll try and do even more!!!! congrats on 70 days!!! stay in touch and let us know how you’re doing.

 

[Stargazer]

Broke and hungry is right lol. Im struggling along with you chinup

I'm on Subutex, and still using here and there. It's getting less and less. And I remain thankful and grateful for being on subs.

Everything you're thinking is very normal. Annoying are pretty good! If I'm understanding correctly, did one of them pass away?

 

[Jabberwocky]

I'm glad the subs are working for you. Well done! I'm glad it's getting less and less for you. If I can't stay clean I'm gobs strongly consider subs.

Still experiencing massive cravings for speedballs. I think partly cos I've recognised that's where using would take me, so my brain is like fuck using crappy substitutes.just go straight for what you actually want. I can't kid myself it would end well. Is there even such a thing as a casual speedball user?

It's especially odd cos I'm generally feeling more positive now