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progress/things i?ve learned so far in recovery

thanks!! i try to be but argh man cj you were totally right about not moving back in with parents. i really wish i had somewhere else to go except back to my house in norwich cos i'm developing some sort of codependency with my mum. i can't be ok cos she's so angry with me and i never know where i stand with her. its fine most of the time but when its not its incredibly dangerous. we're getting a joint therapy session with the drugs services but she just doesn't want to be told she's doing anything wrong cos in her head i'm so in the wrong that she can't be in the wrong. or something. it is threatening my recovery now. its all i've talked about with my therapist and key worker for weeks and its not got any better.

i don't know what to do.

i want this written on my grave: all we're asking for is the nerve to say we tried and know we fucking did (this band deserves more than 7 youtube views so i strongly recommend anyone check them out!!). i've never been in a situation where trying wasn't enough before. where nothing i could do was enough, i feel like what i've done is so inherently bad that i'll never fix it but i can't give up under her roof.
 
Then you have to move out. I'm in a similar situation. I just got out of the phych hospital. They flipped all my meds around dialed in the dosage and had me feeling good. Four days back at my mom's and I'm ready to paint the wall with my brain again. I'm moving across the country to sober living in a few weeks. But it's an honest question whether I will make it a few weeks or if I will off myself. Some places and people are just toxic.
 
fuck cj you can make it another few weeks if you've made it this far. its not worth doing yourself in. it sounds like you've got something organized that you're super excited about so try to keep your eye on the prize. though i know 'a few weeks' is fucking eternity when every second it hell.

i took the keys to my house out of my parents room last week because i felt so bad i needed to have the option, but i really don't want to go there. its 5 hours away, i have a full time recovery schedule up here. so many memories of using and deleting numbers doesn't work when you know the locations of flats people have shotters in all the time, and there's several less than 2 min walk from my old place.

i'm going on holiday for 10 days in march so i'll get a break and my friend claims he's getting his own place in april, if that actually happens i'll have somewhere else to stay a few nights a week, which would make everything much easier.

had my first long stretch of time without having to do anything since before i went to rehab today. i was going to use it to be productive, do loads of work cos i need the money, play my bass cos i worked my ass off to be able to afford it, but watched tv all day instead, apart from gym this morning.

its nuts, when i came out of rehab i couldn't watch tv cos i couldn't cope with any references to violence against women. the word 'rape' felt like a punch in the stomach. i wouldn't have chosen to but my sister got me onto this show mindhunter yesterday which would have sent me straight back into a mental hell a few months ago and i've watched all of it and it didn't upset me. makes me feel less vulnerable to know i'm not so easily reduced to utter despair and hopelessness any more. something is working.
 
Thanks chinup your right I was just having a bad day.

Nothing wrong with some downtime watching TV. I think the one constant theme is that your really hard on yourself. Try to think about how you would react to a situation in your life as if you where replying to someone on bluelight. For instance if I told you I had a few months clean had been working really hard and decided to take a day to watch some tv and do nothing. I doubt you would call me lazy.

I don't know it's just something my therapist has been working with me on. I tend to have loads of empathy for other people but none for myself. Its self defeating because low self-esteem is a big trigger for me
 
glad its better, hope you have a good weekend.

yep i've always been hard on myself. i did actually allow myself the break on thursday, now i'm not on drugs all the time i can actually hear my body and therefore listen, and that's what it needed. i would never ever expect someone on here not to give themselves the odd lazy day, you're right. i suffer from that asymmetry of empathy too. if you've learned anything useful from your therapist about what to do or how to even recognise when you genuinely deserve a break i'd be interested.

i think i expect so much from myself because as a child i was never good enough, at home or according to my teacher- who looked furious when i told him a few years back i'd got a phd in theoretical physics.

argh, my supposed friend is visiting my ex in norwich and posting it on facebook. i met my ex through this friend. she ignored the fact he tried to strangle me twice. i would not continue being friends with someone who did that to anyone.

i feel like the fact that she is prepared to go to visit him, alone, means she doesn’t believe me. i feel like the fact that apart from trembling a bit when he told the police he was fucking hugging me (i am fucking furious! i was having flashbacks every time i shut my eyes til i just fucked it off and went back on the gear full time), he has had no consequences for his actions, which makes him more likely to do what he did to me to someone else. i feel scared for every woman who comes near him. he could easily kill someone. i remember feeling like he was going to kill me.

i probably need to just delete her from facebook and tell her why. i don’t plan on doing anything dramatic. just explain its triggering. though my honest feeling is that if he hurts someone else, she will be complicit because she did nothing after being warned, and he may have listened to her and got help.
 
Your friend doesn't sound like much of a friend chinup.

She doesn't have your back, delete off facebook and move on, you deserve people in your life that will stand by you.

You're doing really well honey, very proud of you.

Hugs,
your friend,
Ash.
 
Oh and you're more than good enough and that old teacher is a dick. Good for you for getting your PHD!!!

"Living well is the best revenge." ; )

Love you,
Ash.
 
Hi chinup!

How are you? That are you chose for your tattoo is cool! I really like it. And yes, it hurts like hell getting tattooed on your inner arm! My arm started shaking uncontrollably. I said , "I don't know how I'm going to be able to get through this". Then, my arm went numb eventually, and I could've taken hours more.

Recovery isnt easy. Don't feel ashamed that you cried in group. Anyone that doesn't understand (fuck them 1st of all) hasn't dealt with addiction. It be takes everything you've got. From detoxing to staying clean.

You're doing wonderful. How's the bass playing? My father was in a band and played bass. Have you ever listened to Les Claypool from Primus play bass? He's probably the best bass player I've ever heard. I don't think her has finger prints from playing. Check him out. He's amazing

Hope you're well and enjoying your weekend!
 
EPL1 said:
"Living well is the best revenge." ; )
.
Click to expand...

haha yeah i remember my sister saying that years ago. certainly a grain of truth. though revenge is not a very spiritual concept!!

10- i'm good thanks and getting better. getting another tattoo on thursday ()top image of this but with the numbers round the circle changed to the correct multiples of pi and the ones in the spiral left out unless i can be bothered to work out what they should be, i'm not sure there's any physical meaning in the spiral bit. glad you made it through yours thinking you can't get through it once you've started must be awful!!

i'm a bit worried cos i want it on my inner forearm and there's loads of scars from self harm there, i hope it'll look ok. also wanting it to hurt a bit too much so i can get those fucking endorphins. i'm not going to let myself get tattoos in painful places just for a rush though, its permanent and i really think doing stuff like that is a route to relapse.

my bass playing is getting better- i'm quicker at learning new songs though still need tabs. i'll check out les claypool but be warned my brain can't really compute music that isn't punk rock. hopefully i'll appreciate the musisianship.
 
My tattoo comes around into my inner arm, about an inch and a half down from my armpit. I had bruises from the guys finger print holding my arm down lol. I kept involuntarily cursing too. It hurt for sure.

I think you will appreciate Les Clay pool from an artist's perspective. Primus isn't my favorite band, but I appreciate Les's skills and how much he truly loves playing. It shines through.
 
oh dear!! i hope you were pleased with the final design.

Have yo got any specific song recommendations for Les Claypool?

Something fucking awful has happened and I'm scared.
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written then deleted in panic due to what i hope is paranoia. this is the sort of shit people relapse over. it could fuck up everything. i'm seeing my therapist in an hour and a half. mods i know you can read what people have deleted so if you have any input i'd be grateful.
 
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Nah we can't read what you edit. Only if you completely delete a post. I hope everything is ok though
 
someone completely unhinged has got information about me that could be extremely damaging. i have no idea how he got it. i feel very unsafe and hopeless now.

my therapist was really good, didn’t make me feel like i’m being stupid. she suggested if i need to i can take the power away from him by publicising the information myself, or contacting the police. neither of them is an option. the situation taps into my very deep feelings of vulnerability.

he has not threatened to expose me. its just that his behaviour is so bizarre that it’s impossible to predict. its actually stuff anyone who’s read enough of my posts on here knows, but you guys don’t know my name.

mostly i feel deeply deeply ashamed of where my addiction took me. i wish i could leave it in the past. i was coming to terms with it, and forgiveness. then some fucking absolute cock who i told to fuck off and not contact me years ago cos he was creeping me out just adds a new dimension to it.
 
Chinup -

I posted earlier and somehow deleted it.

Try to take a breath. Addiction does takes us to embarrassing places. All of us. Please try to take comfort in knowing you're far from alone.

Being exposed sucks. I know. When my house burned down, and they found empty bags and needles, I got arrested. If all that want bad enough, the whole story was in the local newspaper - every horrifying, sickening detail. And it was on the news.

My entire family, my friends - everyone read and saw it. I wanted to move to another country. I was in jail - hallucinating, having seizures, praying to die, and thinking about that on top of it all.

I know the feeling of being a pariah, Mary Magdalene, wearing a Scarlett letter lol.

After I had time to process it, I decided I would walk with my head up. There's alot more to me than my addiction and my mistakes. You made mistakes. Who hasn't?

PM me anytime. I'm here for you. You're an awesome woman, that's accomplishing amazing things. Let noone make you feel inferior, or less than. You're truly amazing. ❤️
 
I wanted to add, now is the time to put your recovery plan into action.

Use the numbers you received at NA or whatever recovery resources you have.

Im sending you positive vibes and compassion. You can do this Chinup. You really can. ❤️
 
fucking hell! wow! ok that puts things into perspective a bit. well done. having to rattle in jail without it being in the news is bad enough. i hope your family came round in the end.

i'm stressing over something that had a very small chance of even happening. but its taken away my starting to feel safe from men, because i cut this guy out years ago for that very reason and now he's back and capable of doing a lot of damage.

i have spent all day thinking about calling people and not cos i don't want to bother them. whilst crying and wishing i was dead and making half arsed plans about how to kill myself.

i did find something healthy to do in the end though. my parents were out so i turned my amp up as loud as it goes and rocked out. playing a song that takes me to a happy place- i remember when i was 16 and watching my then boyfriend now ex boyfriend/future husband/minder play the bass and sing that and thinking he was god. back before everything was fucked.
 
Well look at you!! You did something to handle your emotions in the healthiest of ways. Wow. You've come so far! Please please acknowledge this victory. It truly is one.

What would've pre-rehab you done? Huge step forward Chinup.

Don't feel you're bothering anyone. They/we don't feel that way. It's a pleasure to be there for someone. It's a pleasure to
be able to be there for someone else.

How would you handle someone from NA, calling you feeling tiny, fragile, and vulnerable asking for help? Right.��❤️. Well done my friend.
 
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i didn't see it that way but yes, i actually did do something healthy amongst all the moping around.

pre rehab i'd have shat myself, probably lost it, and then given him what he wanted, cos all i cared about was money for crack. then. cos he just won't leave things, he'd have still got in touch with me once i got into recovery, and this would be a thousand times worse.

i explained the situation at the drugs services today cos i broke down in my group session (again!), and if he really won't back off, or he threatens anything, apparently the police will actually do something. they really care about keeping people in recovery so they don't go back to being a mini crime wave. i feel comforted by that. still fucking angry that if they'd have cared when i was a teenager, maybe i wouldn't have become a mini crime wave in the first place. i'm trying to focus on that being the past, so largely irrelevant, and the fact that right now they'd actually want to help me is a huge surprise and really reassuring.

i just wish i knew how to get him to back off without antagonising him.

i got another tattoo today, the girls super she managed to go over all the scars and it looks fine.

and you're totally right, i'd be really touched if someone from NA got in touch and would do everything i could to help them.
 
oh my fucking god seriously am i ever going to be able to cope with life or am i going to end up in tears out of nowhere forever? is my brain chemistry still fucked or am i just crap at dealing with stuff? probably both but seriously every time i get some stability the ground is removed from beneath my feet.

i drafted a message to this guy that's bothering me and e-mailed it to 2 of the staff at the drugs services, except one i guess his e-mail address, and the other wasn't in today. i was super chuffed and proud of myself for reaching out in this way. by the time i called cos i'd had no reply the guy who's email address i'd probably got wrong had gone for the day. i really want to send something now and don't even have the confidence to write a message telling him not to contact me without a responsible adult to check it.

did more crying at NA, i'd actually been feeling good and it came out of nowhere. people were amazing. i opened up about how upset i am about the police, and went into some personal detail, and people thanked me for my honesty. i love the smaller meetings cos i know everybody in them now, so i can go into detail.
 
Your brain is still healing. Your soul is still healing. Your going through a difficult process. Be patient
 
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