• H&R Moderators: VerbalTruist | cdin | Lil'LinaptkSix

progress/things i?ve learned so far in recovery

thanks ash!! and you're right, but i feel like i came close to losing it. i honestly feel like when i went into treatment i was like a caged abused animal that is petrified of everything, but the therapy has been amazing, i've worked on a lot of trauma, and feel more like a human.

and thanks jasper too, i've heard people having them years after too so i know i gotta get used to them. i just couldn't believe what a shitty, and completely out of control, person i was in that dream and it threw me.

i've decided to leave rehab on Thursday. I think I'm more likely to get what I need- the confidence I can actually do this- on the outside, not inside. I would go mad if i stayed longer than another 2 weeks and i just can't see what progress I can make in that time that I can't make outside.

another thing i've learned:

- drugs really do fuck your memory.

my short term memory is still shot. however, this has a nasty implication, when you stop using and i guess your brain starts healing, loads of awful stuff you've done and forgotten comes back to haunt you. i never thought i was a 'phone an ambulance and run' junkie but i was and just couldn't remember. protecting myself and my drugs was more important.
 
todays lesson is a biggy:

- if my mum doesn't support my recovery plan (she doesn't but i hope a joint counselling session will sort that), and wants me to place her desires above my recovery, i cannot change that and our relationship is not reparable

todays my last day in rehab and i'm so glad i worked out that maybe there's nothing i can do above not using and being a decent human being to change my mum, and that at some point i have to be prepared to give up on fixing stuff with her. i truly hope that doesn't happen.
 
I wanted to wish you the very best as you step back into the world.

I will pray that things get better with your mother.

You got this chinup, you have come such a long way and I hope you are really proud of yourself, I'm proud of you!!!

Feel free to pm me anytime,
here for you always,
your friend,
Ash.

todays lesson is a biggy:

- if my mum doesn't support my recovery plan (she doesn't but i hope a joint counselling session will sort that), and wants me to place her desires above my recovery, i cannot change that and our relationship is not reparable

todays my last day in rehab and i'm so glad i worked out that maybe there's nothing i can do above not using and being a decent human being to change my mum, and that at some point i have to be prepared to give up on fixing stuff with her. i truly hope that doesn't happen.
 
Remember this, chinup: If you think of anything as more important than your recovery, you will lose that thing and your recovery.

Peace&Love,
jasper
 
Remember this, chinup: If you think of anything as more important than your recovery, you will lose that thing and your recovery.

Peace&Love,
jasper

Good point. More specifically doing what your mom thinks is right over what a professional thinks is right is foolish. Stick to your guns. If you find lasting stability no one will care who's way worked.
 
thanks ash. how are you? things are ok so far with my mum, she's being very supportive.

i've been out of rehab about 30 hours now. seen my therapist, been to 3 NA meetings, arranged a meeting with the drugs service, gone for a run and NOT USED, or wanted to.

i was kinda on a weekly cycle of cravings and they didn't come this week so i'm a bit apprehensive they're gonna make up for lost time when they reappear and i won't have rehab and a drugs test to go back to. trying to keep it in the day, and i'm gonna meditate then go to bed, so i'll be fine. was told that a lot of people had used by this point after getting out so glad i'm not one of those statistics.

jasper and cj- intererstingly someone at one of the meetings said exactly that today. i'd not heard it before. but that's basically why i want to put my recovery first. i put my parents through hell and its the best way i can guarantee not doing that again. it would be really really foolish to placate my mum instead of prioritising recovery, its not come to that yet but if it does i know what i'll do.
 
That's really great man! Your right a large percentage of relapses happen right after leaving rehab. I didn't make it too 8 hours twice. But I wasn't really serious about quitting either time. If you get cravings put into action the things you learned in treatment. Go to a meeting, a movie, call someone in recovery or all of the above. The main thing is not letting it build and take on a life of its own.

I think your going to do really well. Remember to try and do something you enjoy with your time as well. Finding out you can have fun sober is a big thing.
 
Jasper- that is really profound!!

If we put ANYTHING above recovery, we'll lose it AND our recovery. So so true.

Chinup, my mother tried to rush me through recovery. And ironically, she was a severe, blackout every night, abusive alcoholic. She used to mock me in fact. "Go take another be pill, do you need another pill???"

I said to her, " I thought you, of all people, would understand. At least I'm trying to stop, which is something you've never even tried".

But, it fell on deaf ears. I kept getting great jobs, and losing them. That was from both chronic pain and Oxycontin addiction. My parents also didn't acknowledge my pain. I have chronic cluster headaches. My mother actually told me it was unfair of me to have headaches. Wtf? You're telling me sister!

I then realized that my parents were sicker than I was. So I distanced myself as much as possible, and kept on my path. And looked for support elsewhere. It's been a brutal journey.

Noone is going to care how or why if you're staying clean. Just as CJ said. Keep up the good work!!
 
Newcomer: "How long have you been sober?"
Oldtimer: "30 years."
Newcomer: "How often do you go to meetings?"
Oldtimer: "Six or seven times a week."
Newcomer: "Wow! After 30 years you still need to go to that many meetings?"
Oldtimer: "Oh no. I'm sure I only need one meeting a week."
Newcomer: "Then why do you go to six or seven?"
Oldtimer: "Because I don't know which one it is that I'll need."

I'm not pushing for obsessive meeting attendance, although I do like that story. My point is that staying connected is essential. Best wishes!

Peace&Love,
jasper
 
Chinup, I'm SO impressed by the way you threw yourself wholeheartedly into the recovery you were offered, when you weren't even sure you wanted to do it beforehand

Personally, I found the cravings to use completely disappeared when I started doing every single thing my NA sponsor suggested, despite me thinking it was all fucking weird & 'I'm not fucking praying'
When I still felt so shit, despite regular meetings, I gave the suggestions a go & the cravings disappeared
I didn't care any more what 'weird' things I had to do, it was just such a relief to lose the craving to use & be able to function normally without needing drugs or alcohol

You already know that my 12 step programme years were a long time ago & I use & drink now, but I still know that attending meetings & working the steps saved my life at a time when I was going to lose everything

You're doing all the right things for you right now & I'm so glad you made it through & can see things through different eyes now & radiate an improvement to those who know you <3
 
Down and out, but not forgotten
The stars collide to mark this night
Lost and found, you never gave in
No matter what you always looked up
I hope you can see me from there
'cause I can see you
You touched me
Dragged your fingertips through my veins
You saved me
When there was nowhere to go
Yes you loved me
And now everything has changed
Since you touched me
Look around at all the halos
Illuminate the skies above
Lost and found, you never gave up
No matter what, you always looked up
I hope you can see me from there
'cause I can see you
 
Sorry hon I missed this one,

Wow chinup you're doing really well, I am so proud of you!!


I pray that the cravings stay away and that if you do get them you resist. Remember, our mind tells us a lot of useless shit, but we can choose what we listen to.


Here for you anytime chinup.
much love,
your friend,
Ash.
thanks ash. how are you? things are ok so far with my mum, she's being very supportive.

i've been out of rehab about 30 hours now. seen my therapist, been to 3 NA meetings, arranged a meeting with the drugs service, gone for a run and NOT USED, or wanted to.

i was kinda on a weekly cycle of cravings and they didn't come this week so i'm a bit apprehensive they're gonna make up for lost time when they reappear and i won't have rehab and a drugs test to go back to. trying to keep it in the day, and i'm gonna meditate then go to bed, so i'll be fine. was told that a lot of people had used by this point after getting out so glad i'm not one of those statistics.

jasper and cj- intererstingly someone at one of the meetings said exactly that today. i'd not heard it before. but that's basically why i want to put my recovery first. i put my parents through hell and its the best way i can guarantee not doing that again. it would be really really foolish to placate my mum instead of prioritising recovery, its not come to that yet but if it does i know what i'll do.
 
^ cj i'm alright thanks. up and down like a yoyo though. wanted to die earlier and i know from there its a quick jump to 'well using is better than dying,' heroin or suicide has always been an easy choice for me.

and i felt like a twat cos it was cos i had an argument with my mum. i'm 32 and living at home and getting pissed cos my mum wants me to contribute to my living costs. she just didn't get my point that i don't have the money. like what am i supposed to do? go back on the fucking game? cos i'm very lucky and have work i can do remotely and just sign in when i want, my december bills are paid, but i need glasses, public transport, vaccine boosters for my cat, christmas presents. she just didn't get that cos there was no reason to expect i'd cover my bills, she has ?600 more in december than she expected, but i haven't earned enough for everything i need to buy so i can't contribute to food. anyway my dad said she's always been like this, she's completely irrational, and he's gonna more money into my account so i can put it in her account so she thinks i've contributed even though that's just not possible right now. made me feel like a fucking pathetic excuse of a human.

Remember, our mind tells us a lot of useless shit, but we can choose what we listen to.

ain't that the truth.

Chinup, I'm SO impressed by the way you threw yourself wholeheartedly into the recovery you were offered, when you weren't even sure you wanted to do it beforehand

thanks!! i'm still slightly shocked myself. i knew my life was utterly shite but had no idea that just being stuck in a rehab for a couple of months could actually be better than full blown addiction, let alone the possibilities once i got out. also really sorry for not replying to your message i got it when i was just about to go then forgot till now. one thing i've realised is that long term drug abuse has really battered my brain.

thanks everyone for your NA anecdotes/wisdom. i done 7 meetings since i got out. its partly to keep busy and cos i too will do everything those guys tell me to. it doesn't feel like a chore. no sponsor yet but i went to a women's meeting today. there were only 4 of us but it was really nice cos everyone shared for ages so i got a sense of who they were. we'd all had eating disorders too. it took me 2 hours to get there but it was well worth it and i got to read on the way.

LNS thanks for the poetic encouragement!!

i really appreciate everyone's kind words. it's really nice and sometimes i can take stuff from other people that i can't tell myself.

feeling a bit stressed cos i've been so busy since i got out. i know i need to be but i want time to just do shit i wanna do too. and suddenly i have like a billion people to text and i'm an unsociable misanthrope so i'm juggling liking receiving encouragement with ohmyfuckinggod do i really need to respond to all these people being nice to me all the time. can they not just fuck off and go back to not giving a shit? but if they did that i'd probably be pissed about that instead.
 
chinup said:
and i felt like a twat cos it was cos i had an argument with my mum. i'm 32 and living at home and getting pissed cos my mum wants me to contribute to my living costs. she just didn't get my point that i don't have the money. like what am i supposed to do? go back on the fucking game? cos i'm very lucky and have work i can do remotely and just sign in when i want, my december bills are paid, but i need glasses, public transport, vaccine boosters for my cat, christmas presents. she just didn't get that cos there was no reason to expect i'd cover my bills, she has ?600 more in december than she expected, but i haven't earned enough for everything i need to buy so i can't contribute to food. anyway my dad said she's always been like this, she's completely irrational, and he's gonna more money into my account so i can put it in her account so she thinks i've contributed even though that's just not possible right now. made me feel like a fucking pathetic excuse of a human.

Hi Chinup, sorry I've been a stranger around your thread. I've been dealing with my own problems and today has been rough. I know it's one of the 12 step platitudes, but we have to learn how to live life on life's terms (which often sucks) and do what normal people do - put on our big boy/big girl undies and deal the problems at hand instead of retreating into a bottle, a pipe, a needle, or whatever else we used to escape. But it sounds like you're doing it (keeping busy) and knocking it out of the park. I remember when you first came around and just the way you post - you sound like a completely different person. Very happy for you!
 
Chinup is a sober living house an option. Going to live with family after treatment is extremely difficult in my experience. They tend to not really understand what we are going through.
 
i've asked about the sober living house near me and the women's one is full. i can ask if there are any others nearby when i see the drug services later, i do need to be in this area. as soon as a girl i was in rehab with is out i'm gonna arrange to see her, cos she's close to the other guy (there was just 3 of us for quite a while) so i can get away to her, and can visit my sister and aunt, so i have places to escape to. i have loads of (non using) friends in leeds too but i associate there with bingeing so think i need to build myself up first but i have loads of places i can stay there.

aihfl- thanks! and no worries, i hope you're OK. you've made me actually wanna read what i was writing previously now, i will when i have time any probably die. haha i smiled at the expression 'put on our big girl/boy undies' that's exactly what i gotta do.

i'm going for coffee with some people from NA today and argh fuck fuck fuck. i find interacting groups of people and since i found out i'm autistic i know it won't get any easier. i find meetings good because of the one at a time format. i'm super chuffed to be invited but i'll probably sit there, say nothing and wish i was on my own.

right this is really bothering me- does anyone know if crack psychosis leaves any residual effects? i also smoked weed daily for 10 years, sometimes all day every day, but never got any psychosis. in any situation where i'm vaguely paranoid i start to think i can hear things and see things out of my peripheral vision, i only ever had hallucinations in my peripheral vision. its less malevolent than crack psychosis and very situational, its not connected with lack of sleep which for me the psychosis would go if i just slept. its really freaking me out i want it to stop.
 
aihfl- thanks! and no worries, i hope you're OK. you've made me actually wanna read what i was writing previously now, i will when i have time any probably die. haha i smiled at the expression 'put on our big girl/boy undies' that's exactly what i gotta do.
I'm doing better today. Thank you for saying that. I'm having some serious cash flow issues and I hated to do it, but I cashed out one of my deposit certificates so I can pay some important bills and finally get the plumbing in my kitchen fixed. I also own my home outright, so I applied for a home equity line of credit so I won't have to do something like this in the future. I have a substantial cash reserve which my father left me when he died, but my mother's name is also on the account and she gives me endless shit every time I use it and she calls and gives me a lecture on how I'm not earning enough.

I'm also on the spectrum, and with the proper therapy it actually does get easier. I went on my first date in years on Sunday and had a great time. I still have problems looking people in the eye at first and stumble over my words a lot, but as I grow more comfortable with the person, it comes more naturally. It didn't used to, and I had to work my ass off on it, but it did get easier over time. FWIW, I think it's great that you're going out with these people and forcing yourself outside your comfort zone. I haven't felt like getting out much lately, and the consequences showed yesterday. I made a late evening grocery run, and there is a liquor store two doors down from the grocery store. I found myself mentally calculating how much I could drink and be sober in the morning in time for work. Ultimately, I passed, because I know that with the amount of alcohol it would take for me to "feel good," that late in the evening, I probably would not be sober in the morning. So I came home and turned on my Christmas tree lights and watched a dumb (but cute) Christmas movie on Netflix.
 
aihfl- sounds like a hard decision but you definitely need working plumbing in your kitchen!! i had no lighting circuit in my house for the last 3 months cos i 'couldn't afford' an electrician so do understand putting it off but i'm glad you fixed it. and well done on your date!! that's amazing. and also for not drinking, even if i find any christmas stuff in november perverse i'll give you a pass cos it beats the alternative hands down.

i actually enjoyed coffee, ended up just talking to one girl, she was lovely but having a hard time. it was nice too cos i'd never have been invited if i was still using.

then i started my assessment with the drugs service and it hit home how bad my drug use really got. apparently i'm lucky not to have hepatitis.

she said, literally 'i can't guarantee your brain damage isn't permanent.'

my memory and psychotic symptoms might be forever. i was expecting her to tell me they'd be gone in a few weeks. it made me want to use in an abstract way, just cos my addiction will use anything, and if my brains fucked already then fuck it. i intend on giving it time to heal but fuck fuck fuck. i don't really know what i expected after years of polydrug abuse, and psychosis and no short term memory becoming facts of life in my using.
 
Hi chinup, you're doing really well!!!

As far as the whole "I can't guarantee the brain damage won't be permanent". That's a really negative thing to have said. She doesn't know what your future will bring. No one does. The mind is a very powerful thing and has the ability to repair itself even after years of alcohol and drug abuse. Try to remember that.


The more time you stay clean the better.

I'm very proud of you.

Much love to you.

Your friend,
Ash.

aihfl- sounds like a hard decision but you definitely need working plumbing in your kitchen!! i had no lighting circuit in my house for the last 3 months cos i 'couldn't afford' an electrician so do understand putting it off but i'm glad you fixed it. and well done on your date!! that's amazing. and also for not drinking, even if i find any christmas stuff in november perverse i'll give you a pass cos it beats the alternative hands down.

i actually enjoyed coffee, ended up just talking to one girl, she was lovely but having a hard time. it was nice too cos i'd never have been invited if i was still using.

then i started my assessment with the drugs service and it hit home how bad my drug use really got. apparently i'm lucky not to have hepatitis.

she said, literally 'i can't guarantee your brain damage isn't permanent.'

my memory and psychotic symptoms might be forever. i was expecting her to tell me they'd be gone in a few weeks. it made me want to use in an abstract way, just cos my addiction will use anything, and if my brains fucked already then fuck it. i intend on giving it time to heal but fuck fuck fuck. i don't really know what i expected after years of polydrug abuse, and psychosis and no short term memory becoming facts of life in my using.
 
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