^ haha lovemissile what makes you say that? i'm not gonna deny it.
My anxiety is acting up. Racing thoughts, restless, etc. It's situational right now, but Im dx'd with Bipolar 2. I'm probably going through some mania. My mania is anxiety.
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That's a firm No to knowing any casual speedball users lol.
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More like, we get speedballs Saturday, and 5 days pass, that feels like 2, and we do speedballs until we run out of money. And feel suicidal. So then, we try to get dope to take the edge off....and back on the deranged carousel we go.
really sorry you're struggling at the moment. i hope you get some relief soon. i was diagnosed with possible bipolar 2 when i was in anorexia IP, it range quite true. its supposed to be particularly dangerous cos the mania makes it more likely to actually kill yourself. i really hope you don't. i dunno if i have it or not cos i've been using continuously since then, but i think tbh i was just super pissed with the medical staff all the time. and that was on 3 doses of clonaz per day.
i'm sorry you don't have much support outside either. drugs and mental health are so isolating. its not the same but feel free to message any time, though i'll still be limited on internet for a while.
you're right about
speedballs. i'm feeling a bit better today but still sad i can't do that again, would settle for a nice shot of dark. but that wouldn't go well.
someone asked further up on this thread when i last used successfully, without it going wrong. i've been thinking about it and i think the answer might be never. i was an addict before i got into drugs. i think i was psychologically addicted to benzos the first time i tried them- i'd been crying and suicidal for weeks, got a script, no idea what it was at the time, but half an hour later i wasn't crying or suicidal. i wasn't like that the first time i did heroin but i'd be kidding myself if i claimed it didn't have a hold of me from the word go. people who consider me an authority on opiates ask how they should go about trying them and i tell them these really are not eve once drugs.
those videos by annoying aren't remotely triggering now. its good therapy,, i don't wanna end up like them. i cringe when i see them cooking up in the bottom of a can. i can't kid myself i'd never do that. and yeah, one of them died choking on his own vomit, the other is still homeless.
i've not had so many fucked up thoughts being home this time, and my mum promised things would be different to when i was using when i come back. i seem like a different person to everyone. you never see the changes yourself.
it turns out smoking crack basically continuously is bad for your lungs. now its colder i can barely breathe when i try to run. i hope they heal a bit but i need to cut out the cigs.