progress/things i?ve learned so far in recovery

[cj]

Broke and hungry is right lol. Im struggling along with you chinup

I'm on Subutex, and still using here and there. It's getting less and less. And I remain thankful and grateful for being on subs.

Everything you're thinking is very normal. Annoying are pretty good! If I'm understanding correctly, did one of them pass away?

It took me awhile to stop using after I got on maintenance. I just used less and less over time as the high got less and less due to tolerance. Plus i figured out not waking up sick really tamps down the I need drugs right this fucking second feeling

 

[Stargazer]

CJ - thanks for that .

I don't have a whole lot of encouragement and support IRL.

I really am fairly happy - more like content, "Happy" is one of the seven dwarves- when I'm stable on subs.

I'm stressed out of my mind today. What I honestly feel would help, is a benzo. Like one. Or two. One to take in the evening. Like on a prn basis. I'm not allowed to take them because of being on subs.

My anxiety is acting up. Racing thoughts, restless, etc. It's situational right now, but Im dx'd with Bipolar 2. I'm probably going through some mania. My mania is anxiety.

Thanks for the encouragement. . It means alot.

 

[Stargazer]

Chinup -

That's a firm No to knowing any casual speedball users lol.

Like ... Hey, let's have a little get together Saturday. I'll bring the sides. Can you bring the speedballs?

And we all only do speedballs on that Saturday. And go about our normal lives. More like, we get speedballs Saturday, and 5 days pass, that feels like 2, and we do speedballs until we run out of money. And feel suicidal. So then, we try to get dope to take the edge off....and back on the deranged carousel we go.

 

[lovemissile66]

ya'll are nuts. I just read the entire thread. That's all I've got.

 

[Jabberwocky]

^ haha lovemissile what makes you say that? i'm not gonna deny it.

My anxiety is acting up. Racing thoughts, restless, etc. It's situational right now, but Im dx'd with Bipolar 2. I'm probably going through some mania. My mania is anxiety.

...

That's a firm No to knowing any casual speedball users lol.
...

More like, we get speedballs Saturday, and 5 days pass, that feels like 2, and we do speedballs until we run out of money. And feel suicidal. So then, we try to get dope to take the edge off....and back on the deranged carousel we go.

really sorry you're struggling at the moment. i hope you get some relief soon. i was diagnosed with possible bipolar 2 when i was in anorexia IP, it range quite true. its supposed to be particularly dangerous cos the mania makes it more likely to actually kill yourself. i really hope you don't. i dunno if i have it or not cos i've been using continuously since then, but i think tbh i was just super pissed with the medical staff all the time. and that was on 3 doses of clonaz per day.

i'm sorry you don't have much support outside either. drugs and mental health are so isolating. its not the same but feel free to message any time, though i'll still be limited on internet for a while.

you're right about speedballs. i'm feeling a bit better today but still sad i can't do that again, would settle for a nice shot of dark. but that wouldn't go well.

someone asked further up on this thread when i last used successfully, without it going wrong. i've been thinking about it and i think the answer might be never. i was an addict before i got into drugs. i think i was psychologically addicted to benzos the first time i tried them- i'd been crying and suicidal for weeks, got a script, no idea what it was at the time, but half an hour later i wasn't crying or suicidal. i wasn't like that the first time i did heroin but i'd be kidding myself if i claimed it didn't have a hold of me from the word go. people who consider me an authority on opiates ask how they should go about trying them and i tell them these really are not eve once drugs.

those videos by annoying aren't remotely triggering now. its good therapy,, i don't wanna end up like them. i cringe when i see them cooking up in the bottom of a can. i can't kid myself i'd never do that. and yeah, one of them died choking on his own vomit, the other is still homeless.

i've not had so many fucked up thoughts being home this time, and my mum promised things would be different to when i was using when i come back. i seem like a different person to everyone. you never see the changes yourself.

it turns out smoking crack basically continuously is bad for your lungs. now its colder i can barely breathe when i try to run. i hope they heal a bit but i need to cut out the cigs.

 

[Jabberwocky]

two more things i've learned, one with a lot of help from you guys:

- recovery does not mean never having cravings. they will always be there. conversely having cravings doesn't mean you're not recovering, this was an important realisation

- the police can occasionally take a pragmatic decision rather than an easy win. to my knowledge this happens once every 32 years.

i've had a case closed. i think a jury would have found the evidence implicated me beyond reasonable doubt. i'm super super relieved. pretty sure if i was still using in my home town i'd have clean time by now cos i was being held on remand. being in rehab and being cooperative has saved me.

 

[Stargazer]

chinup that's great!!!! I'm so very happy you managed to have your case closed and dodge detoxing in jail.

Run with it. Detoxing in the best of circumstances sucks. Cold turkey with a bunch of strangers is deplorable. You don't want that to happen if at all possible.

Being in rehab definitely saved you. I'm so glad it worked out this way.

 

[Jabberwocky]

its been a really hard week. felt so down on wednesday that i started to doubt whether i really was in recovery. i was not having intense cravings all the time, just a general low level wanting to use. i felt that lifted yesterday and really good. its gone again as soon as i got to my parents for a really stupid reason. i shouldn’t be so hard on myself but i am being silly.

anyway i have learned a whole lot more:

- you never have any idea how fucked you seem to everyone else. we’ve just had a new girl, she’s asleep all the time and has no idea what day it is, she thinks she’s been here for days. apparently i was just like that when i got in, thought i was fine. i’ve been like that for years and never knew.

- meditation is relaxing if you try

- tiredness is a massive trigger, as is insomnia

- the cold is more tolerable when you’re not exhausted and starving

- everything is more tolerable when you’re not exhausted and starving

- its actually nice to do ‘pointless’ stuff like tidy your room, and not really difficult

- i’ve put my parents through hell. dramatic hell like my mum watching me to check i’m breathing cos she can’t wake me up. and the slow burning hell of watching me disappear.

- i’m absent minded and forgetful without drugs. i don’t know if i would still be if i’d never used.

- i'm sad i never got to say goodbye to the only grandparent i knew

10- thanks!! its a huge relief. and yeah i’ve only been in custody awaiting interview after arrest, that sucked enough, prison must be utterly shit. how are you doing?

i’ve started thinking about when i get out in 2 weeks. i want to basically try and construct as close to a full outpatient program as i can. i’ll go to NA morning and night, SMART in the middle when its on, gym/fitness, see what the drug services has to offer. i also want to draw, learn russian, play music.

i need to make money too and luckily i can do that legally, from home and very flexibly but i hope my parents will allow me to make less than i could so i can spend more time on my recovery.

 

[jasperkent]

You sound like you're doing quite well, chinup. Recognizing your triggers and your feelings in general is very positive. Also, having a plan for structure in your life is great! If you are anything like me, it's the follow-through that's tough. That's why I emphasize staying connected to recovering people, both online and in person. It really does help. As I've said in other threads, you don't have to agree with everything said in meetings. You won't. It's the interacting with others who share our struggles that helps us. Best wishes to you!

Peace&Love,
jasper


12-Step Newcomer: "I love coming to these meetings! I've never been to a bad one!"
12-Step Oldtimer: "You ain't going to enough meetings."

 

[Jabberwocky]

thanks!! i am trying as much as i can. and triggers has been a hard one for me cos i'd glibly say breathing is a trigger. thing is its kind of true. but now i'm not using and not wanting to use continuously i've found out some things are more triggering than just being alive.

and you're totally right about interacting with others who understand. its why i like this place and NA. its been so refreshing not to have to pretend any more. and lovely to be accepted for who i am.

i like the quote about the meetings, and its good to bear in mind. i've felt like i'm doing something wrong for most of my rehab time being crawling up the walls, not on the pink cloud most people describe. on fridays meeting someone talked about how they found it really hard for a whole year after quitting. there is a tendency to hear the right thing at the right time.

i learned another thing tonight:

- i have lovely friends, and they don't leave when they find out i'm in rehab, instead they come visit and bring me presents. not one of my using 'friends' suggested such a thing when i told them i was going in.

 

[Stargazer]

Chinup-

You are doing so well. So so well

I'd give you a big hug if I could - whether you want one or not lol. I could use one too.

I believe the most important thing you can do when you're out of rehab is to focus on recovery. Above all else. Rome wasn't built in a day. You have been through alot. For a few years now.

I'm doing so so. I'm upset with myself. I (very pointlessly) used a couple times. I'm re-adjusting to my subs again. Switching from a full-agonist opiate to a partial-agonist opiate is a noticeable process. I feel gross. Sweaty constantly. To the point I can't go out in public because it's noticable. On my face anyway. I'm sweating all-over, but with a big hooded sweatshirt I can hide that.

You're right about hunger being triggering. I'm starving and in a bad mood because of it. I haven't eaten in 2 days. I'm broke. Long story. Like the annoying song lol "Broke and Hungry".

But, honestly, I'm not craving dope strongly. I suppose if it were right in front of me, it would be different. But that's largely due to the anxiety and stress I feel from being starving and really tired of this happening.

If I had money, something to eat, some diet Rasberry iced tea or Lipton Dt mixed berry green tea, a good movie on - I'd be content with that.

I agree that it's nice doing "pointless" things. Like tidying up. I keep things very neat and organized. It's comforting somehow. There was a time when I lived in a chaotic mess. At the height of my addiction, it was bad. Nowadays, I'm the polar opposite.

Yes, jail is utter shit. To put it mildly. I'm glad you are well. It's always good hearing from you.

 

[Jabberwocky]

thanks 10!! sorry you’re having a shitty week. do try not to beat yourself up cos it is self defeating. though if you’re anything like me you’ll now be beating yourself up for beating yourself up.

i really hope you’re had something to eat. you don’t really need money though i shouldn’t encourage criminality- i was amazed the other day i went to a supermarket and it didn’t even occur to me to steal anything. anyway, i hope you’re not starving anymore. the sickness will pass soon.

i was dragged into church today for remembrance sunday, it felt strangely calm and got me thining about a higher power, something i thought would be a massive stumbling block for me as i need something consistent with physics, but i realised a lot of coincidences have helped me, so that’s it:

- i extended my stay in primary care to have 2 more sessions with a specific therapist. the friday of the week before she trained in an accelerated version of trauma therapy that does not require the traumatic memory to be activated. i could not have activated what we worked on because it was too difficult, so the EMDR we’d been doing previously couldn’t have happened. i could not have had this therapy if i hadn’t delayed coming into rehab so long.

- the police came to arrest me 3 days after i went to rehab. they've dropped it.

- the person i got on best with in primary care’s stay overlapped precisely with mine

- i’m alive. i’ve still not really fully processed the fact that i’ve woken up surprised to be alive, felt nothing, and done what nearly killed me without the thought of not doing it again coming into my mind.

- the main share of the first NA meeting i went to in rehab got way worse than me and had been in recovery for years. nobody in rehab progressed as far as me (this would be very different in an NHS facility) before coming in so it would have been easy for me to resist recovery because i was so much worse than everyone else.

 

[jasperkent]

Beware of HALT: getting Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. Good advice in general, but especially in recovery.

Also remember that everyone is different. Some rave about the "pink cloud," others never experience it. Some say "the first year is a gift," others say "the first year is hell." Some feel somewhat "normal" in a few days, others take months (even years) to stabilize. Just treat yourself gently. You are in recovery.

Peace&Love,
jasper

"My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style." -- Maya Angelou

 

[Jabberwocky]

i'd seen that in AA and forgotten it Jasper, it is good advice!!

And yeah, i guess i was looking for the differences not the similarities again. i am in recovery

i need advice. i have to decide if i'm ready to leave by Monday.

how do you know if you're ready to leave rehab?

i want to give myself the best possible chance of recovery. i'll have been in 9 weeks by next Thursday, when I'm due to leave. I've done fine on weekend leave and its been up and down but i've given clean drugs tests.

i was sure on Monday that i was ready. but on Tuesday i had a really awful drug dream- no pharmacies had any needles and i kept looking for clean kit till 10pm, when late night pharmacies in my home town shut, so i found a needle and used it. then later in the dream i was smoking crack. it was shit. i jolted awake when i realised i couldn't just score again cos my dad is on my bank account and 2 cash withdrawals back to back are a telltale sign of me being on one. this dream shook me.

i'm making plans to build my own outpatient program when i get back. 2 NA meetings a day and I'm gonna try SMART too. i'll see my drug counsellor- coincidence is my higher power and today i was recommended her specifically by one of my support workers. that's a good sign. on Monday i was feeling restricted here because i just wanted to go out and be a normal person. i know i'll have drug dreams forever so i can't let them affect me too much. but i felt so vulnerable. and i need a big talk with my mum to make going back to my parents tolerable.

 

[EPL1]

Just want to jump in and say you sound really good chinup.

I wish you nothing but the best, which is what you deserve. Please know we are all here to offer love and support to you. Call on us anytime. Pm me if you ever feel like it.

Try to be kind and patient with yourself, I'm very proud of you, as you should be of yourself.

Much love,
here for you anytime,
your friend,
Ash.

 

[Jabberwocky]

thanks ash! and i am proud of myself, when i came into rehab i'm not sure i really intended to enter recovery. i didn't believe that recovery was for me, i felt at best i'd stop using and be miserable forever.

i'm on possibly my last weekend leave before leaving. still no idea if i'll be ready to go next Thursday. i know realistically not much will change between now and then, so its whether i'm ready now.

someone at NA said you're ready to leave rehab when you've got the courage to try. i think i have that. and i have the 'gift of desperation.' i've changed so much for the better. but i'm petrified. what if going now means i relapse and staying a few more weeks means i don't relapse? i don't know i'd survive a relapse and i'm not sure i could face contemplating dealing with the wreckage it causes again. its fucking live or die time and i don't know if i'll live but i want to.

 

[cj]

There's a difference between using and relapsing. Relapsing is giving up on the goal of abstaining or controlling your drug use. It's a return to a destructive state of mind. Using is getting high but still pursuing your goals afterwards. Try to keep that in mind.

 

[Jabberwocky]

thanks. i do recognise that.

i definitely mean not relapsing.

not smoking crack by the toilet cos every pipe makes me sick.

not being surprised to wake up but otherwise feeling nothing, and it never occurring to me not to shoot up again.

not having to be afraid of literally everything outside my house, because crack psychosis has morphed it to being malevolent.

not letting people fuck me without a condom so i can get a teenth of light and 4 dark.

not absolutely despising myself for what i’ve become and carrying on regardless, losing my humanity.

my understanding is that the best route to not relapsing is not using. i’ve abused every drug i’ve ever been near. certainly i can’t use heroin without getting a physical addiction again straight away. ?and heroin is what i’m most likely to want to use, no amount of time in rehab will take away the fact that i really like it. benzos cloud my judgement to the extent that i consider them a risk factor for heroin use.

i don’t intend to let a single lapse in judgement by an excuse to undo all my progress, which i guess is what you’re getting at.

 

[EPL1]

First of all you haven't lost your humanity, I know it feels like it. These are just difficult times, for right now. You have a great attitude, and you will go far with that.

Please be kind and patient with yourself, you are doing such a great job. I am so proud of you.

I am here for you anytime, please free free to pm me and know that we all love and support you.

Here for you,
your friend,
Ash.

Btw, I know I said it before but you do sound really good chinup.

thanks. i do recognise that.

i definitely mean not relapsing.

not smoking crack by the toilet cos every pipe makes me sick.

not being surprised to wake up but otherwise feeling nothing, and it never occurring to me not to shoot up again.

not having to be afraid of literally everything outside my house, because crack psychosis has morphed it to being malevolent.

not letting people fuck me without a condom so i can get a teenth of light and 4 dark.

not absolutely despising myself for what i’ve become and carrying on regardless, losing my humanity.

my understanding is that the best route to not relapsing is not using. i’ve abused every drug i’ve ever been near. certainly i can’t use heroin without getting a physical addiction again straight away. ?and heroin is what i’m most likely to want to use, no amount of time in rehab will take away the fact that i really like it. benzos cloud my judgement to the extent that i consider them a risk factor for heroin use.

i don’t intend to let a single lapse in judgement by an excuse to undo all my progress, which i guess is what you’re getting at.

 

[jasperkent]

And by the way-- don't be too disturbed by "using dreams." They are quite common. I've heard of people who had them years after they quit. I have 'em now & then myself. I'm always relieved to wake up and know it wasn't real.

Peace&Love,
jasper

"The first human to hurl an insult instead of a stone was the founder of civilization." -- Sigmund Freud