My recovery vs chronic pain

[Catlady45]

Hey yall! Yes I'm from the south! And yes I'm a typical crazy cat lady! I am currently coming off of kratom. And from what I have learned here is a pretty hefty dosage. But of course kratom is not the beginning....

In 2005 I was diagnosed with early onset osteoporosis. There was no scoliosis yet at this time. I was only 43. Of course I was plugged with enough narcotics to kill a horse! I loved them! Just not sure why... did they kill the pain or did they take away the horror I felt at this being the rest of my life?

Obviously it didn't make much difference because soon after I met a guy and was introduced to meth. I fell hard and fast! Fastforward 2 yrs.... after having lost everything and 45 days in county I moved. Clean slate and cleaned up.

All was well for 10 years. I had moved back home after 3 yrs. Got a good job and I was making it! I ate a lot of otc pain meds but I was ok.

In 2014 I returned to dr. Osteo had worsened and marked scoliosis had begun. He prescribed Trammodol only because I told him I wasn't ready for the big guns. I was still scared of a meth relapse also at the time. After several months of refilling this prescription I started feeling the talk of a small town. I stopped getting it filled.

2015 I found kratom. Was like a dream! It was legal, it killed the pain, hell, even got a buzz! It was supposedly considered non addictive, I could still work..... I had it made!

Not! The scoliosis has gone from lower back to the humback, also my neck. I am a full 2 inches shorter than i used to be. Kratom kept me working 3 more years for which I was grateful! I am no longer working, and I am awaiting SSI.

Of course I can't afford kratom right now while waiting therefore the w/d and that damn RLS! I still have Trammodol that I think I have decided to use. At 56 years I am wondering if there comes a time in life when you just have to let go. When do you stop being an addict and become legit? I mean, damn, what am I really fighting for? As my new friend Ash said "am I really doing my self a favor here?"

 

[jamesBrown]

It sounds to me like you truly want to be "clean"... but your health problems cause you pain which complicates the situation. I am in the exact same situation so I can empathize.

But wanting to be clean is the most important part.

Luckily you don't seem to have a massive tolerance/addiction(you're not IV'ing heroin or taking extremely potent opioids). That will make things much easier(relatively).

I just realized im not really giving you any useful advice.
But just know that the BL community will always be here for you.
I wish you the best and hope you move forward in life in a positive way. I know how unbelievably difficult a medical issue can be to deal with, especially while battling addiction.

Good luck and please keep us updated.

-jB-

 

[Painful One]

You take the pain medication if that is what is needed to give you a better quality of life and to feel better.
Living in chronic pain is severe and very hard.

Don't let others make you feel bad about needing medication.

You definitely want to keep it under control and keep the dosage to a therapeutic level. You don't want to cause yourself more pain due to medication. You also don't want to put yourself through too much suffering. It is a balance with chronic pain. One must manage chronic pain. Do the very best you can and don't worry about what anyone else thinks!

You do what is best for you. No one else lives in your body. They do not walk in your shoes. There is a big difference between addict and chronic pain / injury / disease medical treatment patient.

I'm sorry that others have branded you with the "addict" label. It sounds like you overcame that and that is in the past. Let it remain there sister.

 

[Catlady45]

Thank you guys for responding!

Jamesbrown any words are helpful to me right now! And your right, since the meth chapter I have been relatively good!

Painful One your words give me a peaceful type feeling! Like you know something of the trials as well!

I guess I'm having mixed emotions about the whole ballgame right now! I'm probably just fighting getting old!! Funny but not funny! I'll keep posting!

 

[ladyhlove]

Yay glad I found your thread, catlady!

Whenever I read stories like yours, it always makes me feel so selfish for my own addiction issues seeing as I'm totally hooked on opiates but have no physical pain. I don't even know what that kind of life is like. I couldn't imagine dealing with the horrible pain of wd on top of horrible physical pain.

Here's my opinion when it comes to painkillers and chronic pain and addiction and all that (and remember, its just an opinion): I think that if opiates are making it so you can get out of bed in the morning despite horrible pain, if they're improving your life instead of hurting it..who gives two fucks what others think? While I agree, an addiction to opiates is awful, I don't think someone should endure a lifetime of misery just so they can say they're "clean". At the end of the day it's your life...no one else's..and you'd prob be very surprised at how many of these judgmental fucks are prob popping pills of their own in the privacy of their own home

 

[EPL1]

Ladyh, You are very insightful. I wholeheartedly agree with you. What you just wrote, all of it, is bang on. Much love to you.

Catlady, it's not much of a life to live at all if you're in intractable pain and not being treated properly for it. Period.

I came off my prescribed medication a few months ago because I was sick of all the scrutiny and stigma and hassle I had to endure just to get my medication. But then I realized I was in so much pain, and I was doing myself no favors.

The pain that lies beneath my medication is frightening and I worry EVERYDAY that someday I will no longer be allowed the little quality of life my pain medication allows me to live.

You do what's best for you honey. All others judging you be damned.

From one chronic pain patient to another, I wish you nothing but love and support. And I truly hope you find a good doctor that will work with you to manage your pain.

Here for you anytime,
your friend,
Ash.

Yay glad I found your thread, catlady!

Whenever I read stories like yours, it always makes me feel so selfish for my own addiction issues seeing as I'm totally hooked on opiates but have no physical pain. I don't even know what that kind of life is like. I couldn't imagine dealing with the horrible pain of wd on top of horrible physical pain.

Here's my opinion when it comes to painkillers and chronic pain and addiction and all that (and remember, its just an opinion): I think that if opiates are making it so you can get out of bed in the morning despite horrible pain, if they're improving your life instead of hurting it..who gives two fucks what others think? While I agree, an addiction to opiates is awful, I don't think someone should endure a lifetime of misery just so they can say they're "clean". At the end of the day it's your life...no one else's..and you'd prob be very surprised at how many of these judgmental fucks are prob popping pills of their own in the privacy of their own home

 

[Catlady45]

LadyH I knew that you would eventually find me and swoop in to really tell it like it is!! As only you can!! Please don't ever feel guilty about that!! Addiction does not care who you are or what you are! In fact, to ease your mind I have even went so far as to believe this is my punishment for abusing some drugs when I truly didn't need them. Thank the lord I have worked through that! The guilty feelings go both ways sweetheart! Don't think for one minute I don't realize what you are going through as well!

I am finding that having made these few friends here has made a world of difference! You all are helping me wrap my head around all the very different aspects of my life right now! Love you to death Lady!

 

[Catlady45]

Ash you are such a beautiful person! And I am so very sorry for how the "judges" have made you feel!!! Yes I do understand this horrible feeling as well!! And part of my own purgatory is knowing that before my issues began I was also a judge. Believe me I can't be sorry enough! I have deserved being "sat down!"

On a good note I received lots of paperwork to fill out for SSI. And I will see one of their doctors. I think this is a good thing all around. And thanks to you and PainfulOne I feel more understood, and I have been able to get a little better perspective on the situation!

And hey.....always your friend as well!!

 

[EPL1]

Good morning CL,


Yes exactly, everyone has their own struggles they are dealing with, no one's struggles are more important than anothers.

I am really happy that you are being proactive in your own care, happy you are going the SSI route. I'm always amazed at how many people confuse physical dependence with addiction. Grrr. Lol.

Anyway, you do what's best for you. Some people will want to judge you, don't let them break you. Very proud of you for getting some help for yourself and I'm so happy you found us, we love you here!!

We understand what you're going through and will be here to support you.

Have a great day!!
your friend,
Ash.

Ash you are such a beautiful person! And I am so very sorry for how the "judges" have made you feel!!! Yes I do understand this horrible feeling as well!! And part of my own purgatory is knowing that before my issues began I was also a judge. Believe me I can't be sorry enough! I have deserved being "sat down!"

On a good note I received lots of paperwork to fill out for SSI. And I will see one of their doctors. I think this is a good thing all around. And thanks to you and PainfulOne I feel more understood, and I have been able to get a little better perspective on the situation!

And hey.....always your friend as well!!

 

[jasperkent]

Hey Cat, as a fellow smallish-town Southerner I can relate to the more acute stigma we can suffer. You have my empathy and my sympathy. Hope everything works out for you. Keep coming back to BL. Lots of good folks here!

Peace&Love,
jasper


"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has." -- Margaret Mead

 

[Catlady45]

Thank you Jasper!! Yes sir gotta love the small town southern fried life!! Everyone is a judge! Only because everyone thinks their way is better than everyone else's. I have finally learned that they all have skeletons!

I love that quote!! What it's all about!!!

 

[ladyhlove]

SO much love in here. Just what I needed today! I'll take it :D

I also don't know much about small town life, but I'm fairly well known in the big city I live in due to being here since childhood and working in the bar/entertainment industry for so many years and just being a naturally "social butterfly" type (and a bit of a party girl in my younger years as long as we're being completely honest here lol). A lot of people know me and my opiate addiction isn't a huge secret anymore. I've found that a lot of people are a lot more understanding about opiate addiction in general than I would imagine them to be and, opening up to people, I don't really receive anything but positivity and support. People tend to be a bit more "progressive" here in the city, despite being in the bible belt, and I know that my view of society can be skewed by being surrounded by a liberal, urban environment. However, I do think that people's views on addiction are changing and, sadly, it's because the demographic of addiction, heroin and opiate addiction in particular, is changing and now the upper-class, white people who influence things in our country so much (let's be honest here, they do) are being affected by this addiction...either themselves or their children. Drug addiction is no longer in the hood and in the trailer parks of America, it's rampant in upper-middle class USA. Now people are beginning to see that addiction is not an indicator or poor moral values or being "bad", it's often a person self-medicating due to emotional trauma or even having real physical pain to a degree, and then becoming so dependent on the pills they can't stop them even if they want to.

I'm really glad that the views are changing, but the govt.'s way of handling this issue couldn't be worse. Seems like things aren't much better in Canada. Cutting people off from meds is irresponsible, especially when so many people have chronic pain. While I will admit that I became a full fledged addict from someone who sold their chronic pain meds, just because there's a couple of rotten apples doesn't mean you have to throw away the whole bunch. Most chronic pain patients use their medications properly, not everyone wants to be high all the time. However, cutting people off of meds that keep them functioning physically and are incredibly addicting both physically and mentally is a recipe for disaster. Its no wonder so many people are flocking to heroin. And with the heroin supply in the US being, basically, fentanyl now...of course people are dying! ARGH. The whole thing makes me so angry.

/endrant. Sorry for thread derailing.

 

[jasperkent]

Well I can rant a little, too. Here in red state TN (and especially really red Chattanooga) all the politicians say the same thing: The answer to the problem is MORE LAW ENFORCEMENT!

Yeah, that has always worked well.

Peace&Love,
jasper

"It makes a lot more sense for us to be investing in jobs and education rather than jails and incarceration." -- Bernie Sanders

 

[EPL1]

Just checking in with you beautiful!!!

Hope you're having a good day today my friend!!!!

Hugs,
Ash.

 

[Catlady45]

Thank you guys so much for coming and I am proud to be here myself!! You guys have helped me out so much! You guys will be happy to know that I have made some serious decisions concerning the issue!

After finally wrapping my head around things, fact is this is the turning point in my life! It isn't what anyone chooses it's just part of the circle of life! That being said i will probably never be "clean" again. And you know what... thats ok because i have already been the addict, and I kicked it's ass! This is to let go of things I can't change and live in a way more conducive to "living"" with the rest of my years while I can!!

But I could never give up you guys with all your love and infinite wisdom! And i can assure you that all the judges will be met with the same tenacity I used to have! ???

Sadly Lady h it's the same in the small town these days! Times are changing and it is becoming rampant in the upper crust! They are crying for help that is making them more able to come out and search for it! But their answer is to take away from everyone in a "make it easier for me" type mindset. Sorry this is where my conversation could go political....Ill hush now lol!!! But should you ever want to go there I got some ideas that would blow your young mind!!

Sweet Jasper!! I know the feeling! We love our law enforcement here too!! And I can't even say anything because back in my real bad days they gave me chance after chance! They let me off easy! My thoughts are that the problem may not be law enforcement per se... But more about the system. I think too many people are shoved into rehab as alternative to jail or prison. We all know that unless you make the decision to change it ain't happening! So they end up back at a rehab or prison. I think they keep an addict in the system this way and everyone makes loads of money off of him! I've said before the system is a racquet lol!

Ash and you too sweet girl!!! You keep on saving the broken and damaged! I think it's your calling in life!! I have witnessed your power to heal right here on these threads! I for one will still need you around! ?

 

[EPL1]

Your changes sound great honey, when someone is spouting you their "wisdom" try to ask yourself if they're even coming from a place of true concern for your well being. Most people aren't. Dismiss ANYTHING that you know isn't true. You don't have to carry all that heavy shit they're trying to paint you with.

Love you,
Ash.

P,S, I will always be here for you,
Ash.

Ash and you too sweet girl!!! You keep on saving the broken and damaged! I think it's your calling in life!! I have witnessed your power to heal right here on these threads! I for one will still need you around! 

 

[Catlady45]

Ash thank you for helping me get my head right! Like I said I think it was more about being "ready" to enter the golden years!! Then I started feeling guilty for the young here in chronic pain and trying to have quality of life without having even begun!!

Well no more whining from me! I have had a working life that I am proud of! I have been successful and complete! My choices weren't always the right ones but that is another story lol!!

It is my intent to help you to help these young people here in this position ma'am! And btw my name is Ramona!

 

[EPL1]

You're not whining and there's no need to feel guilty Ramona. Everyone goes through struggles in some way.

Happy you've joined us here honey and I hope you have a great day!!!

Love,
Your friend,
Ash.

Ash thank you for helping me get my head right! Like I said I think it was more about being "ready" to enter the golden years!! Then I started feeling guilty for the young here in chronic pain and trying to have quality of life without having even begun!!

Well no more whining from me! I have had a working life that I am proud of! I have been successful and complete! My choices weren't always the right ones but that is another story lol!!

It is my intent to help you to help these young people here in this position ma'am! And btw my name is Ramona!

 

[EPL1]

Haven't seen you on here in a few days, you good CL? Thinking of you and I hope you're well.

Hugs,
your friend,
Ash.