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    after all the pain and suffering it turns out that... 
    #1
    Bluelighter user name1's Avatar
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    well, turns out that i don't want to quit drugs. not really anyway..

    i feel like shit most of the time and i remember posting about it many times -
    i had a few replies from people who said that my drug use is what make me feel like shit.
    obviously drugs do make me feel shitty but i didn't start using for fun or out of boredom but because of earth shattering traumatic events that led me to escaping my painful reality. it's a stupid self medicating actually and very problematic at that.

    for years i thought to myself that i want or even need to stop using but now after much consideration and thought
    i came to the understanding that quitting is not something i want. maybe it's fear or denial but i can't risk not being able to numb my emotions and to feel exposed, like i am without skin or sort of an armour - it can and probably will overwhelm me and possibly create more serious problems then abusing drugs.

    i truly believe that in some cases complete abstinence can worsen things sometimes even to the point of suicide or suicidal ideation, severe anxiety and depression. not to mention withdrawal psychosis which is not that rare to my knowledge. in some cases tapering to a minimum is preferable. just my opinion though..

    as i'm typing those words i suddenly have the feeling that maybe i'm lying to myself to some extent.
    i really don't know what i want and very confused also..

    i think my mental health is deteriorating and i feel like nothing matters actually - i'll suffer either way. i guess i'm a complete escapist that can't or won't be able to face my reality without drugs.

    thank you for reading my rants and rambling.
    sure would like some advice or empathy if you have some to spare..

    peace,
    jona
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    #2
    Hey Jona! I know exactly where you are coming from dude. I have been mired in my own self-medicating mess for years. In the beginning it was fun. And I mean that sincerely. First few years I was living my own version of a rock-n-roll fantasy life. It all came crashing down when I realized I no longer had control over the drugs, it was vice-versa. And that is when the fun stopped, at least for me. I had no freedom. The drugs dictate every iota of my life. I have suffered from anxiety and depression for years. When I found heroin, it was a godsend. Literally took all my pain away. Over time it took everything dear to me, including my partner of 20 years. Now I am trying to quit. I have tried multiple times before. It gets harder with age. I used to think that if I had a bottomless bank account, I would keep using forever. Why the fuck not, right? But it feels like a cop-out. Like I'm not living an authentic life. I still haven't properly mourned the death of my man and that scares the shit out of me. When he died I truly believe the heroin kept me from joining him in the grave. So I get what you are saying about complete abstinence worsening a situation. I NEEDED DRUGS during that time! Now, I am just tired of living this way. I don't know how long you have been using, or what your doc is, but you know it doesn't get better or easier. I am trying to find the courage to kick. So far no such luck. But I want it and that wasn't always the case. You are not alone. This place is full of thoughtful, cool people suffering right along with you. And many have found their way out....I hope you can. I hope I can too. Thanks for sharing.
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    #3
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    What is it that you get from drugs that you believe that you can not get without drugs?
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    #4
    Bluelighter user name1's Avatar
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    it's hard to explain precisely what i get from drugs that i can't without and i'm not even sure what's true anymore..

    i don't think there's s a specific thing i get from drugs that i can't get without and the question i think should be asked is what will happen if i'll get off drugs after years and years of abuse, years that took a mighty toll on my body and mind. truthfully i don't think there's anything i can get from drugs that i can't get without drugs, only the fear of what will happen to me in the transition between taking drugs and abstaining from them - i might kill myself out of desperation, i might lose what's left of my mental health through withdrawal induced psychosis, become a menace to society and probably without substances i'll become addicted to some kind of behaviour in which maybe it won't be just hurting myself but also others (even if they would want me to).

    it all may sound like a defence strategy so i can continue using opiates and crack etc. with justification but i really fear losing my mind or commit suicide. i am stuck between my addictions and an unknown devil that may or may not exist. i fear that there's too much at stake - in a sense losing my sanity is far more frightening than losing my life so i guess it's all about dread and fear.
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    #5
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    I felt the same way for a long time. Getting my phych meds right and finding ba good therapist has really helped me
    Addicted? Want to stop? We can help! Come to the sober living forum!
    http://www.bluelight.org/vb/forums/269-Sober-Living
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    #6
    Hi user-

    You definitely aren't alone. I mean you are so far from alone here. Almost all of us can relate to what you're going through.

    Opiates were "the answer" ...at the beginning. I felt indestructible in every way on them.

    There was a time that I had no interest or desire to ever get clean. For what?

    Through a series of circumstances beyond my control, the decision to stop was made for me - detoxing, on the floor of a jail cell naked.

    The good thing is, my mental health was addressed. Finally. Everything made sense. I was put on meds that made things more manageable.

    I'm not doing perfect right now, but I'm not doing horrible either. I'm on subs. I still use a couple times a month, but that's even getting less and less. Your mental health has to be acknowledged and addressed. No two ways about it. I would be a full-blown addict with no desire to stop if not for that.

    Look into that. What do you have to lose? Keep us posted user.
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    #7
    Bluelighter bomber's Avatar
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    I know the feeling. When I first stoped heroin, as bad as the wd, was the feeling after I stoped. "how did I stand sobriety before I started doing drugs, it's sucks".
    But after a while, even though I still dislike sobriety and do use heroin very occasionaly, Im realy glad I stoped my daily use.
    Yea I feel like shit most of the time, but I know I don't get my self even deeper in this circle and I also know that my next use is gonna be a pleasant feeling, not just delaying my shity feelings until I run out of money to buy drugs.
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    #8
    ^^well said bomber.

    When using everyday, you end up in withdrawal and everything falls in on you. Then trying to do what needs to be done sick as a dog.

    I'm really grateful not to be going through that.
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    #9
    Bluelighter traybuck's Avatar
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    I can relate as well.. for as long as I can remember I have been self medicating.. I was honestly never happy when I was sober ever! I was bored and sad. And have been on one thing or another pretty much ever since. I've got clean a few times from everything and guess what! That sad and bored n lonely feeling came right back.. that's why I have been on methadone for the last 10 years and really have no desire to stop.. just my 2 cents jona
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    #10
    Jona-

    Being on methadone allows you to live a much more stable life than the alternative.

    If you're doing well then that's all that matters.
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    #11
    ^ I thought the above was posted by Jona - you were speaking to Jona. So change the salutation to traybuck.
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    #12
    Bluelighter user name1's Avatar
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    Thanks guys!
    i am thankful for your insights and especially the solidarity which makes all the difference between desperation and hope.
    after switching endlessly from subs to H and vice versa i am now stable on subutex and got the heroin habit under control but the damn crack is always on my mind. it might sound weird and it is but i feel like there's a "saboteur" of sorts inside my brain, always destructing always looking for pain. i don't know if it's related to my poor childhood or this cynical and pessimistic outlook on life and human nature. is it possible to feel shame for being humane? i am conflicted and full of doubts. obviously self pity is a big part of who i am and this life doesn't seem worth living (never were either).

    i was hospitalised three times and was on every psych med available - some helped a bit, most made things worse. i do not have any trust in psychiatrists and psychologists. i still take antidepressants and benzos but i seriously doubt the efficiency of those. i wish there was something like sub for cocaine addiction.

    thanks again and sorry for my rambling and being all over the place.
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    #13
    Bluelighter BPD help plz's Avatar
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    i can relate user / jona

    i had a crack habit and probably the only thing that stopped that was moving 300 miles away from where i had been able to get crack delivered to my door like a pizza.....i spent everything on it.....like you i have spent my life self medicating and recently was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder....the only thing that stops me from using drugs atm

    is the fact that i am unable to buy them......i do not know any local dealers, which in a way is a good thing i suppose but i'm miserable as fuck....i don't know how to be happy without drugs and i've spent the last 2 years 'clean' but miserable as fuck....i'll be stsrting sessions soon with a psychiatrist for all the good i expect to come of that.....i'm expecting he'll be

    preaching the pitfalls of drugs and how 'wonderful' it is that i'm 'clean' whilst completely dismissing the fact that i wish i was dead as this does not work for me.....i've tried ...but i find no joy in anything......3 years ago research chemicals could be purchased online and delivered by the postman legally so for 6 years i self medicated and functionned....to all

    observing me i was 'well' for that 6 years...the last 2 years i've been the walking dead thinking surely things will start to improve yet they do not......so i undrestand where you are coming from, and appologies for my ranting on here to you but i guess i'm just letting you know you're not alone by any stretch..

    all the very best jona
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    #14
    Quote Originally Posted by user name1 View Post
    well, turns out that i don't want to quit drugs. not really anyway..

    for years i thought to myself that i want or even need to stop using but now after much consideration and thought
    i came to the understanding that quitting is not something i want. maybe it's fear or denial but i can't risk not being able to numb my emotions and to feel exposed, like i am without skin or sort of an armour - it can and probably will overwhelm me and possibly create more serious problems then abusing drugs.

    i truly believe that in some cases complete abstinence can worsen things sometimes even to the point of suicide or suicidal ideation, severe anxiety and depression. not to mention withdrawal psychosis which is not that rare to my knowledge. in some cases tapering to a minimum is preferable. just my opinion though..
    I totally understand what you're feeling! In fact, I'm in the same place. In my case, I'm not under the financial stress that many people experience trying to maintain their habit. I can pretty much easily afford to pay for my and my boyfriend's use and the reasons for quitting just aren't compelling.
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