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October Getting/Staying Clean/Sober thread v. To All the Ghouls I've Loved Before

Whats up everyone?.... Nice to see youre still around 10years. I just got out of a 60 day rehab so I have 60 some odd days clean. I havent even had a cigarette or caffeine. I was able to work out and eat well and Im proud to say my new addiction is the gym. I am shredded..lol... and I have never felt better but unfortunately I found out for sure that I have hep C. Im trying to get on vivatrol but after I got the first shot my liver enzymes went way up. They were still climbing after two more subsequent tests. This is very disturbing to me because they wouldnt give me the 2nd shot. I have to go back for more test to see if I can get it. I got a prescription for Naltrexone but at this point I don't think I even want to mess with it if it is going to affect my liver. I also got the the number and address of a agency that will help me get free treatment to get rid of the hep.

I have to move forward this time and face life without even entertaining drug use as an option. Things got real this time. This last year was crazy and I have never been so sure I will die if I use again. I have gained the support of my whole family and I cant bare the thought of messing up and losing those relationships. This is it... Im done... Whatever it takes. I have really gotten into buddhism and medition. I am going to use every tool availabe because thats how bad I want it. NA, AA, already in IOP, mindfulness sessions, psych evaluations, spiritual retreates, prayer, living life to the fullest.... Anything to beat this thing once and for all.

I did get some good news. My lawyer won the appeal with the DMV and it looks like they might drop the charge all together because of holes in their case. I will never lose my liscence or have to get that expensive insurance. I cant believe my luck. I could have killed someone blacked out on the highway. After that, my crazy night with my roomates trying to set me up in a control buy and planting drugs on me, the crash on the highway at 70mph when I was trying to kill myself and a brush with the Columbian federales this last time in Medellin, I know God has his hand on my life. God, the Universe, destiny, life energy, whatever you call it.... It is guiding me and intricately involved in insuring my well being. Time to stop tempting fate. The writting is on the wall. Next time I don't think I will be so lucky. I have a purpose to fullfill and I can never do that if I am using. Im choosing LIFE!!

Love you guys... Somni

Hep C is curable. Don’t be afraid to get on the meds and get your liver back <3

Glad to see you’re still here.
 
Somni!!!!!!

Hey!! It's great to see you. I'm sorry about the hep c. I'm sure you were very upset. The good news is it is now curable.

You sound like you are doing great otherwise though. I'm proud of you Somni.

Please come back and keep us updated. Sending lots of love and hugs to you.
 
Thanks for all the well wishes and support Aihfl, CaptianH and 10yrs. It means the world to me. I definetly have to contact the agency about the treatment. I wasnt too suprised or concerned about having hep C. I knew I had it but I was suprised about the reaction to the vivatrol because there were some older, gnarly, long time heroin addicts that were able to withstand the vivatrol even though they also had Hep C. It just made me realize how detrimental my drug use has been to my body, which was actually a good thing because I have always felt somewhat invincable. People are always telling me I look so much younger than my age but the outside is decieving and even that is starting to slowly show the wear.

Much love from Somni
 
Thank you so much, Ladyhlove! You broke it down in layman's terms so that my addled brain could figure it out. Much appreciated! My pills are Zubsolv, and the dose is 5.7/1.4. So I guess I will cut one in half, take it and see how that goes. I'm going to try to hold off on the heroin unless my stomach stays really f'ed up. I can never eat on sub. Whether its in a pill or a film, they all leave a bitter after-taste and mess with my palate....and totally takes away my hunger. I highly doubt I will be taking upwards of 16mg of sub though. My habit is anywhere from a gram to half a gram a day, depending on funds and quality of dope. Either way, I have never topped 4mg a day of sub.
 
Congrats Keefers!! Day 70 for me. Things have been going well. I found a couple of awesome meetings with a great group of people. I reconnected with a couple of people from rehab and brought them to the meeting, which thrilled the other members because it was a smaller group that's members for the most part had significant clean time. The sudden influx of youthful newcomers injected life into the group and gave renewed purpose to those, who were in a position to help in the process of guiding us through our early recovery. It really is a solid group.

I went down to the historic lake front downtown area by my city yesterday to put in applications and I was surprised to find a beautiful little area of eclectic shops and restaurants. The vibe was amazing and I was hit with a divine sense of optimism about the future. This evening however I am feeling a bit blue, insecure and doubtful because I met a girl at the meeting yesterday and she asked me to friend request her on Facebook. This in and of itself was not a problem but I haven't been on Facebook in ages for a reason. I started posting pictures of my travels to impress her and then found myself surfing Facebook and checking up on people. This led to a lot of regretful rumination, feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness because I hardly got any responses. I was hit with a wave of loneliness. I felt insignificant and thought about how far behind and how much worse my life was than everybody else, which is ridiculous in light of the things I have done over the last year but those were just things "I" did...

I really have been so alone for so long. I don't want to feel so separate but at this point I feel so fragile and letting people in is dangerous. I seem so gregarious and alive on the outside and I am actually quite a magnetic personality but I don't often let people in and though people are drawn to me I never really feel connected to anyone and at the end of the day I am alone.

I'm a ghost in a shell :( Facebook is not healthy for me. I'm banning myself once again to concentrate solely on myself. I only want to experience the world that is directly in front of me and not the virtual Public relations facade that people wish to project.


How goes it Aihfl? Did you go to Refuge Recovery? How have you been 10years? How have you been handling the hubby situation and your sobriety?


Love all of you guys. Proud of you LadyH….. Goodnight from Somni land.
 
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I don't post in here but this is pretty serious. Quit dope 15 months ago. OC at the turn of the year so 10 months now.

Fucked with 100mg doses of codeine recently. 5 of them, in like a week. Is there any way to stop it? I feel the morphine pretty reasonably in my mind and I feel that this alone will begin to alter my thought constructs and inducing a propensity for increased cravings for stronger opiates. I just took my last dose, I mean it's been helping me through my benzo addiction which is way more severe and that is what concerns me a lot. I'd just get addicted to both again with a way higher benzo tolerance and the way things were going I had started shooting and was going to straight up die. Taking 40mg alprazolam a day hardly feeling it, shit like that. I inevitably can't handle a sharp taper from the extreme dose I am still on after tapering for a few months, and after a few more days of braindead delusional hell I guess I wasn't thinking straight and CWE'd over the counter codeine, 100 pills into 5 doses with about a gram of APAP and 100mg codeine and some caffeine that the morphine over-rides.

Like smack was always my favourite. I've had reminiscent feelings of my honeymoon phase with opiates. I used to experience a lot of synchronicity on H. It seemed like powdered luck; things tended to go in my favour as I no longer hated myself and resented my past. It seems the longer I go without opiates the more I begin to crave them. Cravings have only recently become a problem, out of nowhere, and after the post-acute symptoms begin to subside at least a tiny bit. They were bad all summer... pretty much spent the summer laying around depressed.

There was a brief period of time after the acute withdrawal where I felt great not to wake up feeling sick anymore. I would always wake up sick, unless I had passed out / nodded off alone. Then I'd wake up feeling a little confused. That happened so many times, the last time I used I took two 80's like legit ones not this fent shit up here I had a prescription that I have since forfeited and yeah, I nodded the fuck out in my chair for 12 hours and blacked out. I have no idea what happened, I remember about 5 seconds of it. I was still breathing because my dad had stopped by and instead of bringing me to the hospital, called the cops. So I lost my dab rig, my lungs are fucked from bong now, and yeah at least they didn't see the acid or collection of drugs I had back then. I had taken all the OC so there was nothing left but a few hundred scripted valium I had saved up that were full of klonopin and bromazepam and lorazepam and stuff come to think of it.

I always sense a relapse in advance. I have sensed this one the past month, it has been way too stressful. I would not call this a relapse yet, as I suffer from chronic pain, I have non stop for 8 years and really hurt my back recently so that is what initiated the use. Although it was bound to happen there were some cravings but it would have been heroin, not a codeine extract I was desperate and am careful about those sources when I am using.

Like is there any way to stop it if I want it again before it's too late? The symptoms of cold turkey heroin withdrawal last year, and the similar symptoms of chronically relapsing on oxycodone and then finally quitting for these 10 months, like I already am thinking of calling my old pain clinic doctor I could get them back easily. It was no way to live. I don't really know how to stop it, if I could afford it now would be the time to switch from bong to dabbing for sure but like I need to self medicate. The benzo problem is utterly hopeless but I've seen improvement in my life since I quit opiates, I feel more like myself, like not actually my life I mean I got a cheap car which I'm really happy about, did a lot of research and got a great deal. Was patient and careful. My life is still shit but I am no longer shit.

I don't have withdrawals these doses I mean I don't know my tolerance right now and don't really care to know but I'd guess 30mg oral morphine. It's enough, after this long for me to feel it. I don't know how to stop myself. It should be easy. I need a different perspective and I can't see it right now because codeine feels good even if it's the first step back to hell.
 
Congratulations KEIFERS! That's awesome.

SOMNI- Facebook is highlights of people's lives. No one is going to post a photo, sitting at the table crying with "After blow-,out argument" under it. I get how you feel 100%. We actually talked about just this topic in rehab. Its a common theme. Try to stay in the present. Anything else is counterproductive.

When I catch myself on that plane ride back to the past, I either do something to get me out of my head, or literally say to myself "Stop, this accomplishes nothing. What am I grateful for right now?" You have alot to be happy about :). You're doing great. I hope you get that job in that beautiful place that brought you so much peace.

SHROOMY - I'm not sure if this is what you're asking - but yes, you can stop it. It doesn't have to turn into a full-blown relapse. Even if you've used for a week or two. You can stop it right there. I'm so glad you didn't OD (or worse), when you blacked out. Hang in there. Don't give up.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN BLUE LIGHT!! Boo! Why can't ghosts have children? Because they have hollow weenies. I tell that stupid joke every year lol.

??️?️?☠️??
 
Thanks Somni :D I kinda can't believe it's been almost 3 months since I'm used any dope. I'm so glad methadone has worked for me. I'm really sorry about the Hep C, btw. The good news is, it's now curable! I'm so glad I never shot up...(though my nose is probably starting to fall apart). Have you been feeling ok? I wish that hadn't happened to you, but I'm glad it's a wake up call to you that your drug use HAS affected you seriously. I know I struggle with wanting to use bc my consequences of drug use were minor and I never reached *True* "rock bottom" (I don't think that exists, btw...things can ALWAYS get worse...) but I try to remind myself that I will eventually get there if I keep using.
 
Why after 10 months this year with nothing, and all of last year was an addiction write-off I was burning alive that year.

Cravings have never been a problem for me until now, this year. I think the reason is that I was too fucked up withdrawing for it to be an option at the time. I still don't feel right nowhere near I've tried so hard. I was this way before I started. I feel that my life is worthless without opiates. I was feeling that way for a long time. I'm finding it hard to care about my life anymore.
 
I know the feeling. You might look into Optimistic Nihilism. I don't know much about it, but it sounds like my belief system.

Peace&Love,
jasper


" Life is like arriving late for a movie, having to figure out what was going on without bothering everybody with a lot of questions, and then being unexpectedly called away before you find out how it ends." -- Joseph Campbell



 
I don't post in here but this is pretty serious. Quit dope 15 months ago. OC at the turn of the year so 10 months now.

Fucked with 100mg doses of codeine recently. 5 of them, in like a week. Is there any way to stop it? I feel the morphine pretty reasonably in my mind and I feel that this alone will begin to alter my thought constructs and inducing a propensity for increased cravings for stronger opiates. I just took my last dose, I mean it's been helping me through my benzo addiction which is way more severe and that is what concerns me a lot. I'd just get addicted to both again with a way higher benzo tolerance and the way things were going I had started shooting and was going to straight up die. Taking 40mg alprazolam a day hardly feeling it, shit like that. I inevitably can't handle a sharp taper from the extreme dose I am still on after tapering for a few months, and after a few more days of braindead delusional hell I guess I wasn't thinking straight and CWE'd over the counter codeine, 100 pills into 5 doses with about a gram of APAP and 100mg codeine and some caffeine that the morphine over-rides.

Like smack was always my favourite. I've had reminiscent feelings of my honeymoon phase with opiates. I used to experience a lot of synchronicity on H. It seemed like powdered luck; things tended to go in my favour as I no longer hated myself and resented my past. It seems the longer I go without opiates the more I begin to crave them. Cravings have only recently become a problem, out of nowhere, and after the post-acute symptoms begin to subside at least a tiny bit. They were bad all summer... pretty much spent the summer laying around depressed.

There was a brief period of time after the acute withdrawal where I felt great not to wake up feeling sick anymore. I would always wake up sick, unless I had passed out / nodded off alone. Then I'd wake up feeling a little confused. That happened so many times, the last time I used I took two 80's like legit ones not this fent shit up here I had a prescription that I have since forfeited and yeah, I nodded the fuck out in my chair for 12 hours and blacked out. I have no idea what happened, I remember about 5 seconds of it. I was still breathing because my dad had stopped by and instead of bringing me to the hospital, called the cops. So I lost my dab rig, my lungs are fucked from bong now, and yeah at least they didn't see the acid or collection of drugs I had back then. I had taken all the OC so there was nothing left but a few hundred scripted valium I had saved up that were full of klonopin and bromazepam and lorazepam and stuff come to think of it.

I always sense a relapse in advance. I have sensed this one the past month, it has been way too stressful. I would not call this a relapse yet, as I suffer from chronic pain, I have non stop for 8 years and really hurt my back recently so that is what initiated the use. Although it was bound to happen there were some cravings but it would have been heroin, not a codeine extract I was desperate and am careful about those sources when I am using.

Like is there any way to stop it if I want it again before it's too late? The symptoms of cold turkey heroin withdrawal last year, and the similar symptoms of chronically relapsing on oxycodone and then finally quitting for these 10 months, like I already am thinking of calling my old pain clinic doctor I could get them back easily. It was no way to live. I don't really know how to stop it, if I could afford it now would be the time to switch from bong to dabbing for sure but like I need to self medicate. The benzo problem is utterly hopeless but I've seen improvement in my life since I quit opiates, I feel more like myself, like not actually my life I mean I got a cheap car which I'm really happy about, did a lot of research and got a great deal. Was patient and careful. My life is still shit but I am no longer shit.

I don't have withdrawals these doses I mean I don't know my tolerance right now and don't really care to know but I'd guess 30mg oral morphine. It's enough, after this long for me to feel it. I don't know how to stop myself. It should be easy. I need a different perspective and I can't see it right now because codeine feels good even if it's the first step back to hell.

40mg Alprazolam?? In one day?? Oh my fucking soul that is hectic.
 
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