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Thread: October Getting/Staying Clean/Sober thread v. To All the Ghouls I've Loved Before

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    #51
    Bluelighter ladyhlove's Avatar
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    Nov 2017
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    The land of Oz. Can't seem to make it past this damn poppy field.
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    Thanks Somni I kinda can't believe it's been almost 3 months since I'm used any dope. I'm so glad methadone has worked for me. I'm really sorry about the Hep C, btw. The good news is, it's now curable! I'm so glad I never shot up...(though my nose is probably starting to fall apart). Have you been feeling ok? I wish that hadn't happened to you, but I'm glad it's a wake up call to you that your drug use HAS affected you seriously. I know I struggle with wanting to use bc my consequences of drug use were minor and I never reached *True* "rock bottom" (I don't think that exists, btw...things can ALWAYS get worse...) but I try to remind myself that I will eventually get there if I keep using.
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    #52
    Bluelighter
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    Aug 2015
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    getting high by the candlelight
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    Why after 10 months this year with nothing, and all of last year was an addiction write-off I was burning alive that year.

    Cravings have never been a problem for me until now, this year. I think the reason is that I was too fucked up withdrawing for it to be an option at the time. I still don't feel right nowhere near I've tried so hard. I was this way before I started. I feel that my life is worthless without opiates. I was feeling that way for a long time. I'm finding it hard to care about my life anymore.
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    #53
    Bluelighter
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    May 2015
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    Chattanooga, TN
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    I know the feeling. You might look into Optimistic Nihilism. I don't know much about it, but it sounds like my belief system.

    Peace&Love,
    jasper


    " Life is like arriving late for a movie, having to figure out what was going on without bothering everybody with a lot of questions, and then being unexpectedly called away before you find out how it ends." -- Joseph Campbell



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    #54
    Quote Originally Posted by ShroomySatori View Post
    I don't post in here but this is pretty serious. Quit dope 15 months ago. OC at the turn of the year so 10 months now.

    Fucked with 100mg doses of codeine recently. 5 of them, in like a week. Is there any way to stop it? I feel the morphine pretty reasonably in my mind and I feel that this alone will begin to alter my thought constructs and inducing a propensity for increased cravings for stronger opiates. I just took my last dose, I mean it's been helping me through my benzo addiction which is way more severe and that is what concerns me a lot. I'd just get addicted to both again with a way higher benzo tolerance and the way things were going I had started shooting and was going to straight up die. Taking 40mg alprazolam a day hardly feeling it, shit like that. I inevitably can't handle a sharp taper from the extreme dose I am still on after tapering for a few months, and after a few more days of braindead delusional hell I guess I wasn't thinking straight and CWE'd over the counter codeine, 100 pills into 5 doses with about a gram of APAP and 100mg codeine and some caffeine that the morphine over-rides.

    Like smack was always my favourite. I've had reminiscent feelings of my honeymoon phase with opiates. I used to experience a lot of synchronicity on H. It seemed like powdered luck; things tended to go in my favour as I no longer hated myself and resented my past. It seems the longer I go without opiates the more I begin to crave them. Cravings have only recently become a problem, out of nowhere, and after the post-acute symptoms begin to subside at least a tiny bit. They were bad all summer... pretty much spent the summer laying around depressed.

    There was a brief period of time after the acute withdrawal where I felt great not to wake up feeling sick anymore. I would always wake up sick, unless I had passed out / nodded off alone. Then I'd wake up feeling a little confused. That happened so many times, the last time I used I took two 80's like legit ones not this fent shit up here I had a prescription that I have since forfeited and yeah, I nodded the fuck out in my chair for 12 hours and blacked out. I have no idea what happened, I remember about 5 seconds of it. I was still breathing because my dad had stopped by and instead of bringing me to the hospital, called the cops. So I lost my dab rig, my lungs are fucked from bong now, and yeah at least they didn't see the acid or collection of drugs I had back then. I had taken all the OC so there was nothing left but a few hundred scripted valium I had saved up that were full of klonopin and bromazepam and lorazepam and stuff come to think of it.

    I always sense a relapse in advance. I have sensed this one the past month, it has been way too stressful. I would not call this a relapse yet, as I suffer from chronic pain, I have non stop for 8 years and really hurt my back recently so that is what initiated the use. Although it was bound to happen there were some cravings but it would have been heroin, not a codeine extract I was desperate and am careful about those sources when I am using.

    Like is there any way to stop it if I want it again before it's too late? The symptoms of cold turkey heroin withdrawal last year, and the similar symptoms of chronically relapsing on oxycodone and then finally quitting for these 10 months, like I already am thinking of calling my old pain clinic doctor I could get them back easily. It was no way to live. I don't really know how to stop it, if I could afford it now would be the time to switch from bong to dabbing for sure but like I need to self medicate. The benzo problem is utterly hopeless but I've seen improvement in my life since I quit opiates, I feel more like myself, like not actually my life I mean I got a cheap car which I'm really happy about, did a lot of research and got a great deal. Was patient and careful. My life is still shit but I am no longer shit.

    I don't have withdrawals these doses I mean I don't know my tolerance right now and don't really care to know but I'd guess 30mg oral morphine. It's enough, after this long for me to feel it. I don't know how to stop myself. It should be easy. I need a different perspective and I can't see it right now because codeine feels good even if it's the first step back to hell.
    40mg Alprazolam?? In one day?? Oh my fucking soul that is hectic.
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