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When to bring up my addiction?

It's not exactly loving to withhold important information about who you are as a person in the world from someone you claim to care about. The longer you hold it the more distrust there may be once you reveal it. Especially if you've fallen in love.

Personally, I would be devastated if I fell in love with someone then was told they were in active addiction. It's not about whether it's wrong or bad for you to be in addiction, you are where you are. It's about being forthright in relationship and doing exactly that, being in relationship. This is obviously a big part of your life right now, they deserve to know.
 
Only been dating like a month, we've been friends for over a year.

We are barely past the start of the relationship, i barely get to see or talk to her anymore because she is so busy. I don't feel like she has the time or capacity to process this right now.

That's also my shitty excuse for not being ready either.
 
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It takes a special kind of girl to not cut and run when you confess something like that. Most people see addicts as scum (often correctly, though there are exceptions). It's a hell of a thing to drop on someone in a new relationship so I think you've only got two choices if you seriously want this woman: either get clean pronto, or tell her straight out and be prepared for the consequences. What you shouldn't do is keep quiet and carry on in secrecy. I was lucky. I confessed all to my Mrs very early in the relationship and she accepted it all - we've now been together for 26 years. However, she has suffered because of it and I eventually dragged her down to my level. We've both come out the other side now, but it hasn't been easy. Not many women would put up with this...
 
Maybe I'm way off here but I feel like being addicted to kratom probably wouldn't be looked down upon in the same way as, say, being addicted to IV heroin. Depending on how you frame it, especially. You were taking this herb that's widely used in certain cultures for health reasons, didn't realise how addictive it was, and accidentally found yourself taking it just a little too often because you're a busy guy, have stresses in your life, as we all do, and it helped... :\ I mean that might be bending the truth and I don't know your exact situation but I would think that probably this is not even a lie.

Also... I really, quite strongly disagree with some of the comments above that it's either a big thing, or that it's somehow a betrayal to not come clean immediately.

Is it really that big a thing? I think when we attach these charged labels to things, or people, like "Addiction" or "Addict" then immediately it makes it into something bigger than it really is. I mean you (and everybody else!) are obviously a lot more than your addiction - the fact that you use kratom too often is just something in your life that you're dealing with right now, and you haven't told her yet because you're worried about losing her and maybe a bit embarrassed about the situation you've got yourself into. Both of which, by the way, are absolutely fine reasons, and I think anyone with any shred of empathy should understand this.

I'm not saying it's not a quandary of sorts, but I don't think it's in any way so cut and dry as to say that it's such a "big thing" that it's a "betrayal". You should come clean at some point, and you shouldn't wait too long, but say it wasn't drugs - say it was gambling. You're functional by the sounds of it, so say you're a functional gambling addict but you often lose a lot of money in casinos or whatever. Again, you're a functional addict, you're not drowning in debt and you are dealing with the problem. Is there a moral imperative that one must admit this to a potential partner at the earliest possible opportunity, knowing that they might have little understanding of it and it might scare them off? Other than the subject of the addiction, these situations are relatively equivalent and your reasons for not coming clean immediately are the same - you want to present your best side because you want to impress her, and this is something you're embarrassed about and you don't want to scare her off.

I would say in fact, that most people would find this analogy easier to accept, and at the same time less of a big deal, and less important to mention.

We could analyse that comparison further and I would quite like to but so as not to bore everyone too much - to summarise, I think that even amongst the drug using community there is sometimes an unconscious bias surrounding certain issues, such as addiction - just because drugs are involved. In the wider drug naive general populace that bias is even stronger, which is why questions like that posed in this thread need to be handled with some delicacy.
 
Ah, I didn't realise it was kratom - just presumed it was heroin. Yes, explaining an addiction to an ethnobotanical may be a little less problematic than admitting you're digging smack several times a day.
 
I guess it depends on how i frame it but opiate addiction is opiate addiction, not to say that taking 2 dozen grams of kratom daily is equivalent to shooting a gram of H a day.
 
It's definitely not the same as heroin, but 24g of Kratom a day is still a significant habit.
 
if you know her a year and you have been hiding it that long it wont look good

taper further and then be honest that you got caught out by something you used just for fun at first, play the human " it could happen to anyone" angle
 
Well... She left me, but not because of the addiction. I still haven't told her, but now i have time to work on it. We are still on very good terms. I thought i would go into a downward spiral if this happened but all i want to do is work on bettering myself.
 
^ sorry to hear that man.

i think that's the right thing to take from this though - yeah, if you're using it makes things really fucking complicated if you meet that special someone, because you sure as hell don't want to let a fucking dope habit cheat you out of a love life.
i know that i certainly dated girls who never knew i was using, until we broke up... but it's fucking messy and stressful and hard.

perhaps it's a good thing to set your sites on, regarding efforts to get clean and make positive changes in your life.

still though - i'm sorry to hear it ended. it's always tough <3
 
Thanks spacejunk

I think i'll have another chance when things settle but i know if i expect that i'm going to be setting myself up to seriously get hurt.

I was, and still am, hurting but i'm thinking much more clearly now and i realize she was right to break it off. If things continued the way they were it would have just lead to both of us being frustrated with each other and animosity between us.
 
God i miss her, i'm getting off my ass on hydrocodone tomorrow. Still tapering, but i need this right now
 
not everything works out

either way your better off off the opiates, they block emotional intimacy for sure

just harder to connect on them
 
I'm sorry you broke up, and I hope you go easy on the opioids. :\

Ime, people who are up front about addiction are better off than people who hide it in relationships.

In this situation, if kratom isn't such a big deal (and I don't know what her drug experience, attitudes, etc. consist of), it would be better to say something.

If it is a big deal, same.

It's really hard to be open about struggling or honest about any less-than-optimal situation, and I'm not passing any kind of judgment. It's just my experience that openness asap is the easiest path.

Good luck to all who struggle with these types of issues.
 
That sucks that it ended, sorry dude.

I prefer and have a partner who isn't into drugs like I am, so I can relate to some issues that you brought up. It's usually always better to be upfront. Yes, there can be overreacting but generally it's in your best interest.

I recently got a bottle of liquor and my partner hid it from me this morning and says I now have to go through him to get it. Worse case scenario, I have to wait several days to drink liquor. I didn't even drink that much yesterday, but he is always looking out for my best interest as I am him.

I wouldn't want it any other way.
 
Well we were dating for 2 months.

Update: I did end up relapsing and got up to 300 grams of kratom per week, which is an all time high for me. I'm again working on tapering down, and starting to talk to her again. We see each other a lot due to similar friend groups but we haven't really spoken one on one in at least 4 months.
 
well I always start relationships with me confessing my addiction, pretty much every girl I dated accepted it until the point that they wanted to help me out and they got pretty sad seeing that there is not so much help from others needed as it is from myself. I feel sorry for you, but if you will find yourself in this situation again just confess, not everything in relationships is positive, it tends to go other ways too, so at least you know if she would be at your side when bigger and worse things happen than this addiction.

maybe you are going to be lucky and in the whole relationship this would be the worse thing, but I doubt it. just confess and prepare her for the fact that she can't change you ( at least not as fast as some people would like to )
 
falsifiedhypothesi said:
Well we were dating for 2 months.

Update: I did end up relapsing and got up to 300 grams of kratom per week, which is an all time high for me. I'm again working on tapering down, and starting to talk to her again. We see each other a lot due to similar friend groups but we haven't really spoken one on one in at least 4 months.
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Me and my current wife started out as friends and extremely slow. We talked as friends long enough (2 years give or take) that she would know most things about me before she made a decision. I always told her that I was interested but I didn't feel I would be good for her because of many reasons. It may have taken me 2 years to sort out all the main issues with her. Everything from " I have a very rare blood cancer, I'll probably die young and I don't want you to go through that" to "I went on a 4 month $100,000 coke bender in my early 20's ( along with some shady ways I got the money at the time) all the way to my hardest to admit. "I take high doses of norco, oxy, and fentanyl every day"... although At the time I used a few excuses like "I worry about my cancer" "I have lots of chronic pain" ect... (which were all true) I told her I really just don't want to bring you down into my life. Best case scenario for us is me dying and you having wasted years of your life with someone who was never going to be around long anyway...

Her response was that she comes from a family basically riddled with every cancer imaginable and she's probably just as likely to die as me...

My last girlfriend left me after being in the hospital for 10 days and getting diagnosed with a cancer so rare that they didn't even have a treatment for it at the time so I wasn't looking for anyone else really. I accepted that I was going to die alone and had been alone for over a year at the point that I met her. It may have taken me 2 years to get everything out that I felt needed to get out, but before that first kiss we knew more about each other than i feel most people do.

I guess my point is this. It may take a long time. But if it's meant to be, it'll happen when it happens. She's loved me for over 2 years now. She accepted that I might die today, Every single day. She accepted that I might be on drugs the rest of my life. A year ago I kicked the fentanyl, which sucked big time, and about 2 weeks ago, everything else. Right now I feel like I'll be ok. I can't promise her I won't go back and she knows this. She knows exactly what she signed up for. And honestly you're either going to find this type of person or your going to find the type like my ex who left me while I was getting diagnosed with an incurable (and at the time untreatable) cancer.

There's only two types of people.
1. The ones who are going to love you anyway.
2. The ones who are going to leave you anyway.

The one and only thing you need to figure out is how to tell her because I guarantee you'll figure out which one she is meant to be. Good luck.
 
^Thank you. That actually makes me feel better about this. I still have no idea what my next step is besides trying to get off the path i'm on, but I want to be better.
 
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