Hi all, I didn't think I'd end up posting on here but I'm in need of some help.
I'm wondering if I could be suffering from a long term comedown from mdma.
I've only taken mdma 4 times in my life, all spaced out, but I know that could be enough to mess with me.
First time I took it was December 2016, had the tiniest amount of powder, rubbed it into my gums, had a great time, was fine, didn't even get a comedown. Second time I took it about two weeks after that, which was unwise, but still had a great time, until I woke up at a god-forsaken time thinking I was dying, feeling nothing but terror and panic. I didn't know it at the time but looking back on it now it was likely that was a panic attack. But I convinced myself I was fine and went back to sleep. And I was fine after that.
I told myself I wouldn't do it again after that, but I ended up doing it again January this year, a tiny bomb, hardly anything, had a few beers and smoked some and I was fine. No comedown from that either, and no panic attacks.
March 21st this year is a different story.
It still makes me deeply uncomfortable to even think about, and I fear I could still be struggling with the effects to this day.
I was at a concert, got some md off a friend, (the same friend that gave me the one in december that made me have a panic attack weirdly enough) took one tiny bomb, I had eaten a lot before and by an hour it still hadn't kicked in so stupidly I let my boyfriend give me another bomb, but both were tiny. About an hour and a half perhaps I was rolling like crazy and had a great time. I was gurning like crazy, felt hot and cold, all sorts of shit but felt great and couldn't stop saying I love you to everyone. Pretty embarrassing. Anyway I get home and smoke and fall asleep. I wake up at some crazy time with my heart beating like crazy but I don't feel panicked or anything. And I fall back asleep.
The day after I had an afterglow if anything, was in a chilled out mood and felt happy.
Hit half way through the day after and I started feeling drained mentally and physically. Seemed my first proper comedown had begun.
Standard, I just felt pretty depressed and any time I felt uncomfortable/anxious, I smoked a joint and felt better. I ate a lot of food (not healthy mind, pizza n shit) and managed to get some hours of sleep. Day after, I'm fine, just really tired and empty. Day after, that, I'm fine, normal, just tired and perhaps a little irritable. Day after that, this is where it gets interesting; (sorry this is already really long) I suffer from allergies and they seemed particularly bad so that night I took an antihistamine (benadryl). A few hours later my allergies were still playing up, so I took some more, syrup this time. I fell asleep. Next morning I wake up to hell. I couldn't get out of bed, likely to the fact I took way too much benadryl, woke up 2pm and couldn't keep my eyes open, felt really irritable, made my way downstairs, ate, and just felt out of it and irritable, started crying and before I knew it I was having panic attacks. Before this, I hadn't had a panic attack for like 6 months, I suffered from general anxiety but had managed it a lot better before that. My parents came home and managed to calm me down, got me to go for a walk and eat and I felt a lot better, almost normal.
The day after that I was normal, in a pretty good mood. My boyfriend came to stay over and we had a great time. The next day, I woke up, irritable as hell, hadn't got as much sleep, allergies playing up again, started cleaning the house in rage because I just felt irritated at everything. Later that day I took my boyfriend home, I got home, and all of a sudden I have another panic attack out of nowhere. It was terrible, my legs were shaking, breathing was difficult and I thought I was dying. It was awful. I had to lie down on the floor it was so bad. My mum calmed me down and I went to sleep. Day after that, another panic attack. Day after that, another panic attack. By this point it's been a week since I took the md so I was confused as hell and feared the worst. And then on the Friday of that week, it just stopped. The panic just stopped. And I felt relatively normal. I got through that week eating healthy and going walking everyday and spending time with my family. But it was terrifying. Every day I woke up to panic and despair.
I get through the next week fine and any uncomfortable moments I manage to just ignore, convincing myself the anxiety is gone. And I'm fine. Until I decide to drink on my anniversary with my boyfriend. It's the 9th of April at this point. I have a great time, but the morning after that I wake up feeling slightly weird, but get on with my day. The next few days are the same but it develops into an uncomfortable feeling in which something doesn't feel quite right. I had moments of zoning out, but then I would come back. And then I started feeling anxious again. Determined not to let it get me again, I carried on with my life, kept my routine, kept eating regularly and didn't drink or smoke or anything. 9 days later my panic attacks got so bad that I couldn't leave the house. The lowest point was where I was stuck on the sofa screaming and crying all day because I just wanted it to stop; I felt like I was losing my mind. It was horrific. The day after I went to the doctor and he said he didn't think it was the mdma, but said I was suffering from anxiety and depression, and prescribed me Citalopram and Diazepam for when the anxiety got really bad. I've been on it for two months now, it sort of worked for my anxiety as my panic attacks reduced massively, but it's done fuck all for my mood. My mood has actually been black at some points, which has scared me, to the point I've considered coming off this SSRI, it's messing with me, I don't feel like myself and I feel depressed. I've had some days where I've felt nearly normal but it's been irregular and that's been 10 days over 2 months of taking this. And here we are now, in June. And I'm miserable.
It's worth noting that I suffered from mild depression and anxiety when I was about 14, up until the age of 16 I'd say, but it seemed to lift over time. I'm 19 now. I had panic attacks last winter but CBT helped me alleviate those. So I've had a history of it.
I'm now just wondering if the mdma caused this spike in behaviour (panic attacks, depression etc) or if it was always there and worsened the existing issues. I thought they had gone but I guess I was wrong. It's just confusing but I had a period after taking the md and having the hideous panic atttacks that they stopped and I was seemingly fine. Then I drank and they all came back again.
I'm wondering if I triggered or worsened some sort of mental condition. It feels horrible. I feel miserable and I want to end it. I don't know what to do anymore. I thought these meds would work, but I feel like they've just been messing with me. The diazepam helps a lot and makes me feel normal but fuck the citalopram, and I can't take benzos my whole life because I'll get addicted. I don't know how this all happened and it's killing me. I'm getting therapy and CBT again alongside the medication but I feel so terrible and traumatised from it all.
Sorry for the life story, but I don't know what to do anymore. I didn't think I'd end up posting on here because I wanted to avoid bluelight as it could make me anxious again, but I'm losing hope. Please help.
I'm wondering if I could be suffering from a long term comedown from mdma.
I've only taken mdma 4 times in my life, all spaced out, but I know that could be enough to mess with me.
First time I took it was December 2016, had the tiniest amount of powder, rubbed it into my gums, had a great time, was fine, didn't even get a comedown. Second time I took it about two weeks after that, which was unwise, but still had a great time, until I woke up at a god-forsaken time thinking I was dying, feeling nothing but terror and panic. I didn't know it at the time but looking back on it now it was likely that was a panic attack. But I convinced myself I was fine and went back to sleep. And I was fine after that.
I told myself I wouldn't do it again after that, but I ended up doing it again January this year, a tiny bomb, hardly anything, had a few beers and smoked some and I was fine. No comedown from that either, and no panic attacks.
March 21st this year is a different story.
It still makes me deeply uncomfortable to even think about, and I fear I could still be struggling with the effects to this day.
I was at a concert, got some md off a friend, (the same friend that gave me the one in december that made me have a panic attack weirdly enough) took one tiny bomb, I had eaten a lot before and by an hour it still hadn't kicked in so stupidly I let my boyfriend give me another bomb, but both were tiny. About an hour and a half perhaps I was rolling like crazy and had a great time. I was gurning like crazy, felt hot and cold, all sorts of shit but felt great and couldn't stop saying I love you to everyone. Pretty embarrassing. Anyway I get home and smoke and fall asleep. I wake up at some crazy time with my heart beating like crazy but I don't feel panicked or anything. And I fall back asleep.
The day after I had an afterglow if anything, was in a chilled out mood and felt happy.
Hit half way through the day after and I started feeling drained mentally and physically. Seemed my first proper comedown had begun.
Standard, I just felt pretty depressed and any time I felt uncomfortable/anxious, I smoked a joint and felt better. I ate a lot of food (not healthy mind, pizza n shit) and managed to get some hours of sleep. Day after, I'm fine, just really tired and empty. Day after, that, I'm fine, normal, just tired and perhaps a little irritable. Day after that, this is where it gets interesting; (sorry this is already really long) I suffer from allergies and they seemed particularly bad so that night I took an antihistamine (benadryl). A few hours later my allergies were still playing up, so I took some more, syrup this time. I fell asleep. Next morning I wake up to hell. I couldn't get out of bed, likely to the fact I took way too much benadryl, woke up 2pm and couldn't keep my eyes open, felt really irritable, made my way downstairs, ate, and just felt out of it and irritable, started crying and before I knew it I was having panic attacks. Before this, I hadn't had a panic attack for like 6 months, I suffered from general anxiety but had managed it a lot better before that. My parents came home and managed to calm me down, got me to go for a walk and eat and I felt a lot better, almost normal.
The day after that I was normal, in a pretty good mood. My boyfriend came to stay over and we had a great time. The next day, I woke up, irritable as hell, hadn't got as much sleep, allergies playing up again, started cleaning the house in rage because I just felt irritated at everything. Later that day I took my boyfriend home, I got home, and all of a sudden I have another panic attack out of nowhere. It was terrible, my legs were shaking, breathing was difficult and I thought I was dying. It was awful. I had to lie down on the floor it was so bad. My mum calmed me down and I went to sleep. Day after that, another panic attack. Day after that, another panic attack. By this point it's been a week since I took the md so I was confused as hell and feared the worst. And then on the Friday of that week, it just stopped. The panic just stopped. And I felt relatively normal. I got through that week eating healthy and going walking everyday and spending time with my family. But it was terrifying. Every day I woke up to panic and despair.
I get through the next week fine and any uncomfortable moments I manage to just ignore, convincing myself the anxiety is gone. And I'm fine. Until I decide to drink on my anniversary with my boyfriend. It's the 9th of April at this point. I have a great time, but the morning after that I wake up feeling slightly weird, but get on with my day. The next few days are the same but it develops into an uncomfortable feeling in which something doesn't feel quite right. I had moments of zoning out, but then I would come back. And then I started feeling anxious again. Determined not to let it get me again, I carried on with my life, kept my routine, kept eating regularly and didn't drink or smoke or anything. 9 days later my panic attacks got so bad that I couldn't leave the house. The lowest point was where I was stuck on the sofa screaming and crying all day because I just wanted it to stop; I felt like I was losing my mind. It was horrific. The day after I went to the doctor and he said he didn't think it was the mdma, but said I was suffering from anxiety and depression, and prescribed me Citalopram and Diazepam for when the anxiety got really bad. I've been on it for two months now, it sort of worked for my anxiety as my panic attacks reduced massively, but it's done fuck all for my mood. My mood has actually been black at some points, which has scared me, to the point I've considered coming off this SSRI, it's messing with me, I don't feel like myself and I feel depressed. I've had some days where I've felt nearly normal but it's been irregular and that's been 10 days over 2 months of taking this. And here we are now, in June. And I'm miserable.
It's worth noting that I suffered from mild depression and anxiety when I was about 14, up until the age of 16 I'd say, but it seemed to lift over time. I'm 19 now. I had panic attacks last winter but CBT helped me alleviate those. So I've had a history of it.
I'm now just wondering if the mdma caused this spike in behaviour (panic attacks, depression etc) or if it was always there and worsened the existing issues. I thought they had gone but I guess I was wrong. It's just confusing but I had a period after taking the md and having the hideous panic atttacks that they stopped and I was seemingly fine. Then I drank and they all came back again.
I'm wondering if I triggered or worsened some sort of mental condition. It feels horrible. I feel miserable and I want to end it. I don't know what to do anymore. I thought these meds would work, but I feel like they've just been messing with me. The diazepam helps a lot and makes me feel normal but fuck the citalopram, and I can't take benzos my whole life because I'll get addicted. I don't know how this all happened and it's killing me. I'm getting therapy and CBT again alongside the medication but I feel so terrible and traumatised from it all.
Sorry for the life story, but I don't know what to do anymore. I didn't think I'd end up posting on here because I wanted to avoid bluelight as it could make me anxious again, but I'm losing hope. Please help.
