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Poppy Seed Tea Withdrawal Is Hell

Everything ok my friend? Missing you, hope you're well. Would love an update from you.


Hugs,
Ash.
 
I hope your taper is going well. It takes a lot of will power when it comes to the jumping off point. I have never been successful with a self-taper. I always found an excuse to use more toward the end, then it starts all over again. I have not taken an opiate in 44 days, but I am on 8.2g of gabapentin, and that is an addiction of its own...
 
Hi everyone--sorry for the lapse in posts. I really appreciate everyone's concern and thoughts. I have had to deal with some major life issues/tragedies lately and simply have not had time or inclination to do much of anything other than deal with things that needed dealing with. Not going to go into any detail--everyone has problems in their life, right? The taper plan kind of went to hell at some point--I think I am still averaging about 1 - 2 pounds of seeds per day so not really back to huge levels, but still a problem that needs to be addressed. As much will power as I feel I have, I simply could not deal with things and withdrawal at the same time. People were looking to me for strength and I needed to show it--even if it was artificially induced. Many people say that they need their drugs just to function normally, but I think that is a vicious circle we create for ourselves to some degree--we need the drugs so we won't feel shitty but we only feel shitty because of the drugs in the first place. I have another week or two of dealing with stuff, but then plan to take some time off work and just jump off cold turkey again. Tapering might work for some, but it is just too easy to justify using if life goes off the rails--at least for me. Not sure how much I will post in the next couple of weeks but will try to provide an update when I start the CT. I am very worried about going through the misery again, but a part of me is almost looking forward to it and getting the monkey off my back. My life was so much better when I wasn't using. Best wishes to everyone.
 
Why not go get a Suboxone script? You could taper with it much easier then with seeds. Cold Turkey is going to be awful
 
I agree. I support you and am still in awe that you went thru PST CT even once. I was routing for you all the way thru this thread, and i still am now. When life gets tough, sometimes you need to do what you need to do. I've had similar situations when everything around me goes to shit or theres a tragedy of some sort, and i've had to be the rock that helps others thru it. And i've always had to augment myself to do that as effectively as possible.

And as much as i am full of respect and awe for you, i'm kinda thinking another CT is a bit masochistic. I understand wanting to give yourself a scar to remind you to stay away, but as we know, it doesn't necessarily work that way. It didn't work last time and that was a looong miserable hellscape you went thru. Maybe you should consider softening it. It's still gonna suck, so you will still have to endure, but it wont hold a candle to what you've been through. And all that noradrenaline and norepinephrine efflux, your heart will be under a lot of stress again, and i recall you talking about your heart condition. If theres a somewhat easier road, and there is, maybe consider taking it. the true test isnt how much you can suffer from opiates, it's how you live your life after them. the ultimate goal is to stay away. I'm guessing your one of those people that feels they need and deserve the pain, in order to stay off. but it's not necessarily true. self flagelation is not the way to make amends for your wrongs, fixing them is. spending time with your family, running your business hands on, just being present in a way that you just cant with a head full of tea. Thats how you even the balance sheet. none of the people who you feel were hurt by your addiction will benefit from your suffering.

You can do a sub taper with gabapentin, phenibut(be careful, very addictive), or lyrica, and a whole host of other things to comfort you if you get a decent doctor. i guess i wouldnt go to your friend, but choose an addiction medicine doctor. its confidential, your family and friends won't find out. And, even tho it's still a long road, you will perhaps be able to function during it and and not scare your family by looking like your gonna die. it could be better on your families behalf if you take the gentler road.

I'm not trying to tell you what to do, merely discuss options and motivations. You are a n incredibly strong person, you've proven that. but just because your strong and your nerve is iron doesn't mean you need to bang yourself into the walls when thre's a door.

Regardless of your choice tho, ill support it and wish you the best. What you've already endured is incredible, your focus and fall-but-get-back-up attitude is the right one, its the one that will no doubt achieve what your shooting for. Good luck
 
I just read this entire thread... this could have been a movie I was so captivated.

I would strongly suggest going on suboxone, methadone, at the very least kratom. Here's why:

Tapering for PST is simply not an option. At the rate you were going it was going to take about a year and even then you still feel shitty everyday. Thats gotta be a 100 percent failure outcome. It takes too long that eventually you will begin to dose more frequently.

CT should not be an option either. It was literal hell last time, those first 20 days probably felt like 60. AND after just 45 days (by just I mean this is small compared to your 55 year life) you wholeheartedly thought you could pick it back up without getting hooked again. If you go CT again you might make it 60 days before you start this process over. My point being, you don't need to go thru CT hell when there is a strong chance you will have a second relapse (if not a third)

Theres no shame in going the clinical/suboxone route. I also have no doubt that if you do decide to go CT again that you will be able to get through the WD, I just don't want you to do it again in vain and have your sober self fall back in and have to repeat the process again.

One of the most inspirational journeys Ive ever read. Much Love.
 
Hey Gollum, my heart goes out for you and your family at this time. Whatever it is, I do hope for peace. No judgments here! You do what needs to be done. There will be a time when you can be more focused on “YOU”. You really helped me with my CT, and hope I can encourage in anyway possible when the time comes.
 
Troglodyte said:
I agree. I support you and am still in awe that you went thru PST CT even once. I was routing for you all the way thru this thread, and i still am now. When life gets tough, sometimes you need to do what you need to do. I've had similar situations when everything around me goes to shit or theres a tragedy of some sort, and i've had to be the rock that helps others thru it. And i've always had to augment myself to do that as effectively as possible.

And as much as i am full of respect and awe for you, i'm kinda thinking another CT is a bit masochistic. I understand wanting to give yourself a scar to remind you to stay away, but as we know, it doesn't necessarily work that way. It didn't work last time and that was a looong miserable hellscape you went thru. Maybe you should consider softening it. It's still gonna suck, so you will still have to endure, but it wont hold a candle to what you've been through. And all that noradrenaline and norepinephrine efflux, your heart will be under a lot of stress again, and i recall you talking about your heart condition. If theres a somewhat easier road, and there is, maybe consider taking it. the true test isnt how much you can suffer from opiates, it's how you live your life after them. the ultimate goal is to stay away. I'm guessing your one of those people that feels they need and deserve the pain, in order to stay off. but it's not necessarily true. self flagelation is not the way to make amends for your wrongs, fixing them is. spending time with your family, running your business hands on, just being present in a way that you just cant with a head full of tea. Thats how you even the balance sheet. none of the people who you feel were hurt by your addiction will benefit from your suffering.

You can do a sub taper with gabapentin, phenibut(be careful, very addictive), or lyrica, and a whole host of other things to comfort you if you get a decent doctor. i guess i wouldnt go to your friend, but choose an addiction medicine doctor. its confidential, your family and friends won't find out. And, even tho it's still a long road, you will perhaps be able to function during it and and not scare your family by looking like your gonna die. it could be better on your families behalf if you take the gentler road.

I'm not trying to tell you what to do, merely discuss options and motivations. You are a n incredibly strong person, you've proven that. but just because your strong and your nerve is iron doesn't mean you need to bang yourself into the walls when thre's a door.

Regardless of your choice tho, ill support it and wish you the best. What you've already endured is incredible, your focus and fall-but-get-back-up attitude is the right one, its the one that will no doubt achieve what your shooting for. Good luck
Click to expand...

Great post.
 
Hey IAG-

Sorry to see you go but through this again. But, hey, it happens and I get it. I'm fighting my own battle w opiates as well. On Subutex for the most part, w some slips here and there.

I just wanted to add that I'm also rooting for you. I know you can do this. And you will.

Suboxone/Subutex, as CJ suggested, is brilliant. It definitely will make your taper clearer and more tolerable.

Whatever you decide on, you have my support. We're here with and for you. Hope you're well today.
 
Day 1 (Ver 2.0): Well kids, buckle up because here we go again. Had my last dose of tea Monday evening at 6:30pm and minor withdrawal symptoms started around 4pm yesterday (runny nose, watery eyes). Went to bed around 10pm last night and managed to get to sleep OK. Woke up around 1am with cold sweats. Slept sporadically through the night off and on but things got progressively worse. Feeling especially achy this morning with a lot of pain in my lower back. Heart rate is elevated but not scary high which is good. Also feeling very anxious/depressed which I guess is probably related to things I have had to deal with lately (if anything--opium is good at hiding both physical and emotional pain, I guess). No gastro issues yet, but I expect they will appear at some point. I don't expect things to get any better over the next 48 hours but I am really trying not to focus on that. Just need to keep telling myself that it will pass and it will get better just like last time. The hardest part is knowing how long it took before I started feeling normal again and realizing I have at least a month in front of me. I keep hoping that since I am in better shape and not as far down the pit as last time it might not be as bad, but so far it is feeling very similar. Feel so stupid that I got myself hooked again and have to repeat this misery--thought I was smarter than that.
 
You are very Smart , and working on Dealing with your Disease of Addiction!! It is truly a Beast. This is a one day at a time journey, I have found that the Only way I get through this is to work only on what is front of me Today.
Yesterday is done ( I do not get any Redos) and tomorrow is not here yet so, I do not think that I have super powers to affect them.
Just today and many times just what i am doing right now.
I try to live my life in a "Day Tight Compartment"
It will get Better everyday ( if only because not using the first few) then beyond your wildest Dreams ( because we are Not Using :)
 
Thanks Iceman--well said and very true. What I have found with recovery though is that because it is such a physical, emotional, and psychological battle it is difficult to focus on anything but how bad we feel while we are in the midst of it. I think if it were only physical symptoms to deal with I could handle the mental issues, and vice versa. Combined, it takes incredible will power to deal with and soldier on knowing that even though I will eventually feel normal, it won't be tomorrow or even the next day but 20 or more of them in the future. I am trying to stay focused and positive but I find myself to be especially sad/depressed--even more so than my last WD at this early point. I think it is because I really did not deal with tragic events of the past weeks in a sober state and all of that is hitting hard now that my emotions are not blunted by the opium.
 
iamgollum said:
. I am trying to stay focused and positive but I find myself to be especially sad/depressed--even more so than my last WD at this early point. I think it is because I really did not deal with tragic events of the past weeks in a sober state and all of that is hitting hard now that my emotions are not blunted by the opium.
Click to expand...

Probably, that happened to me too when I quit, except it was an entire 18+ months of shit I either ignored or drank away with PST, so I feel you on that...

If you can, maybe not tracking everything closely on a daily basis would help. Personally I found doing that during the first few days and weeks just drew attention to any negative feelings/side effects I was feeling, so doing whatever I could to speed up the days or focus on anything (anything) positive helped a lot - instead of the daily ?how bad do I feel? check, know what I mean?

Just throwing kratom as an option out there as it?ll tone down those mental effects, but of course eventually you?ll have to stop that as well. But you know what to do - you?ve done it before. You know your body and what?s going to happen.

I?m sure you know of some but find ways to make your body & brain feel better naturally. Things like exercise, going to get a haircut, or a fancy shave, a massage, a healthy meal - whatever it is to give yourself that short reprieve from feeling crappy. Then keep doing it! Because you deserve a reward for all the work you?re doing to get clean.

You got this, and have a lot of people rooting for you.
 
Day 2 of WD (3 days since last use). Last night was horrible and feel just awful this morning. Went to bed around 10pm and tossed/turned until around midnight. Got up and took a Trazedone which put me to sleep around 1am until 3:30am and then that was it. I woke up with a migraine level headache that was as bad as I can remember and made me sick to my stomach--no amount of Tylenol would touch it. Finally got up and made some weak coffee which seemed to help but my head is still pounding. I don't know if that is an after effect of not getting enough sleep on the Trazedone or just a typical CT headache. Restless/kicking legs were especially bad. Diarrhea started as well so I took 4 looperimides which seemed to help during my last WD. I ache all over especially in my legs and have a ton of lower back pain which I don't remember last time. A lot of congestion and sneezing as well. Feel really cold with chills and cannot get warm. The infinite sadness/depression is the worst though--I remember feeling more anxious last during my last CT but this time I feel so sad and could break down crying at any second. I really hoped that this withdrawal might not be as bad as last time but it feels the same if not worse at this point. I read somewhere that each time an addict goes through withdrawal it gets a little more intense like there is an additive effect. I also think the seeds I have been using were of a different type--the high was not as intense and the taste was worse so maybe there are some new alkyloids I and detoxing from. Who knows--looking for answers that ultimately don't matter. Just have to get through this (again). Jesus, why did I start using again??? I worked so hard to get my life back on track and now I am basically starting over. So stupid.

ZB is probably right that I need to find something to occupy my time, but all I feel like doing is just sitting on my ass wishing it would all pass. I have no energy or mental capacity at this point. Just have to hang on a few more days and I know the physical stuff will let up. At that point I may be able get up and moving again.
 
OK Bluelighters, I need some input.

Given I am probably not in the best state of mind right now but I am considering telling my wife what has been going on with my addiction. I just do not want to go through the misery I am experiencing anymore and I obviously can't be trusted to stay clean. I think I need help and some support from someone. I just don't know how to break it to her. Do I start from the beginning 25 years ago? Do I just go back to my last cold turkey and tell her why I really felt so shitty last May and now again? I think that once I tell her, a lot of things will become obvious to her suddenly. She is a smart person and will suddenly think back to all the times I didn't want to go do anything most nights, why we stopped traveling, sleeping together, why my hobbies stopped, the weekly cash withdrawals at the ATM, etc. etc. etc. The many lies will become obvious and she will be hurt beyond measure but I think she will be supportive once the shock wears off. I have also considered just telling my doctor friend and seeing if I could join some type of confidential support group, but it still seems like I am lying to my wife by not telling her too. I really don't know what to do. Maybe I should try to get through this withdrawal and let my head clear a bit before discussing it with anyone.
 
That's a really personal decision. I think I would want to have a concrete plan to fix the situation before I told her.
 
''
Maybe I should try to get through this withdrawal and let my head clear a bit before discussing it with anyone. "

I agree with that. Your emotions are raw right now, I'd wait a little until you are more stable/even keeled emotionally.

But ultimately you do whatever is best for you.

Hang in there IAG, here if you need anything.

your friend,
Ash.
​
 
@CJ/Ash: Appreciate the advice and support. Probably right about waiting--just having a hard time keeping things focused right now. Almost had myself talked into going to buy some seeds and restarting the taper plan earlier but just could not find the energy to do it luckily. Good thing I have nothing in stock or I probably would have caved. Think I can deal with the physical symptoms but I have so much more anxiety and depression this round--don't know why that is. Hard to hold things together emotionally. Also, resting heart rate is up to 103 which worries me. Took a hot bath to try and calm the nerves but it only gave temporary relief for the aches and pains and not much else. Trying to watch comedies on Netflix but hard to concentrate on things. Need to just hang on 3 or 4 more days.
 
Everytime you kick the symptoms get worse in my experience. Especially when you kick multiple times within a short period. I really admire your determination. But I wouldn't have a clean conscious if I didn't bring up getting some outside help. Even if it's just getting into therapy. Having someone impartial to talk with can be really helpful. I just know the kind of physical and emotional toll the cycle of relapse brings. Figuring out willpower isn't enough to stop was a brutal realization for me personally. I'm not saying that applies to you but it's something I hope you will at least consider
 
@CJ: Thanks for the advice--totally agree with finding a support group/person. I feel the same way about thinking I had the willpower to resist using again but proved myself wrong in the worst of ways obviously. Just can't seem to find the resolve and positive attitude I had last time during WD. I think it may have been because I was trying to get clean to help my sister and I just don;t have that focal point this time--aside from just wanting to not be hooked anymore. Seems like that should be a good enough reason but I have been doing a lot of debating with myself on whether this agony is really worth it, whereas last time there was no question. Also, I've been reading about the "kindling" effect of repeated withdrawals and at this point I think it is a real thing.
 
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