• H&R Moderators: VerbalTruist | cdin | Lil'LinaptkSix

Recovery A new me.

What’s up lady? Do you still check in? I’m wondering how you are doing. Your probably still going strong.
i hope all is well with you.
 
Captain.Heroin- There are good jobs out there that don't require a drug screen to hire. They are smaller companies that still hire direct. That doesn't mean they are cool with pot thought (but they might be). Maybe a good job would be working in a pot dispensary? Or growing/selling it yourself?
Thanks for being online and helping all these people. It is needed so much. Sometimes just a hello can make people not feel so alone in their journey.
Regards,
Dale
 
Hi LadyHLove... I've been following your journey and hoping for an update. You give me so much hope. I'm in a very similar situation - I live in Metro Atl, I'm 33, and on the outside I seem "normal." But I'm not :-( I've been trying to get on subs for the last 3 weeks but it's not going so well, I can't function on them-by the time I'm sick enough to take any, I get hardly any relief and end up using just to feel some what normal. Your story and journey has been inspiring and I hope you are doing well. If you have time please post a quick update for us - even if you fell off and ended up back with the ex boyfriend AND using (which I highly doubt,) me and others would love to know where you are and how things are going. I hope you have just been too busy living your new, better life to respond! You have more support here than you know so don't forget about us if you need us!
 
Hey guys!

Well, as much as I would like to tell you guys I've been doing well...sadly, this is NOT the case :/

A little more than 2 weeks ago, after working a festival for a few days, I was hurting and exhausted and had a shitload of money and..decided to score :( We all know how this went. I had every intention of making it a one time thing, and getting back on my subs the next day like I did during my first one-time relapse, but sadly this isn't what happened. Turns out, the subs had brought my tolerance down significantly so just a little bit of dope got me sky high. I woke up the next morning still high af and with a lot of dope still left (I bought a gram), so I decided to not take my sub that morning and finish the bag. Well, this turned into a 9 day binge, all the while still going to the clinic to get my subs. but spitting them out and saving them for later.

I didn't tell anyone about this relapse..none of my friends, family, my therapist, or the ex..this was my little secret. Being single, I found it so much easier to hide my shady activity since I don't really have anyone keeping tabs on me (minus the ex, who does so mainly by text messaging..and it's easy to hide active use when you're only seeing what someone is typing_). Luckily, I came to my senses about a week in and told myself that while this was my little secret for now, I would eventually be found out and my life would continue to spiral out of control. I decided I would stop using at 7pm this past Thursday (5/17) night, after work of course, and then try and get back on subs Friday once I felt I was in significant wd again. I decided to start myself off with only 8 mg (I was taking 16 mg before my relapse), bc I was using far less dope this time than I was the first time I inducted (using one gram a day or less now, back then was using 2+ g a day). Well, I did what I said I would and stopped use Thursday night at 7pm and ended up feeling ok that night and sleeping ok. I woke up Friday and still felt ok...I knew I wasn't ready to induct. So, I went to the clinic as usual, and spit out my subs and waited till I was in true wd to take them...or what I thought was pure wd. I went to work and started to feel really shitty about an hour and a half into the day so I ended up taking 8mg. About 30 minutes later...SEVERE precipitated withdrawal began...at work. I got up out of my desk and tried to act as normal as possible, but sweat was pouring down my face, my nose was dripping snot, and I felt like I would throw up. My anxiety was through the roof at this point as well. I took a walk around the building to try and move past this but I kept projectile vomiting. I came back to the office and made some excuse about having to take a long lunch with my dad that day and got the f out of there and drove straight to my dealers. I picked up a gram (well, it was supposed to be...my dealer shorted me bc he's an asshole and it only ended up probably being a half g) and almost immediately felt better after snorting a couple lines. I git back to work by the end of my lunch break and made it through the rest of the day with ease. I felt so guilty for having to do that, but I don't regret it...I probably would've lost my job if I had stayed like that the rest of the day.

So, I decided not to let this deter me and I promised myself I would still continue to take the subs each morning even if I felt like shit and eventually I would make it through. So far, I haven't been successful in not scoring even though I'm back to taking my subs. Saturday, I woke up feeling pretty good, took another 8mg and, as soon as that kicked in, I felt awful. Scored some much weaker dope from another dealer that didn't get my high but took away the wds. Sunday, woke up feeling pretty awful and took 16mg..which made me feel even worse. I tried to resist, but ended up scoring more of the weak dope. Same thing happened, it wasn't enough to get me high but it took away the wds. So, here I am today. I went to the clinic this am and took another 16mg. Well, it's been over an hour since I took them and I'm feeling about the same as I did when I woke up (not bad!), so I'm hoping I've made it through. My goal is to make it through today without scoring at all..,bc I know I need a few totally clean days to feel normal again, it's just hard to get there.

I'm trying to take this as a learning lesson and not be too hard on myself. I'm fortunate I didn't let my binge get way out of control and go on for months or something. I still haven't told anyone about this relapse (except yall!) and I don't know if I will. I know I should, but everyone's so damn proud of me and my ex and I's relationship is getting closer and closer to reconciliation..I know if I told him, it'd be like starting from day 1 again and I don't know if I can handle that. I'm really hoping today is the day I'm finally back on track. Sorry to disappoint all of you rooting for me so hard..I've been avoiding this site bc I didn't want to have to talk about this, but it's time.

This drug has way more power over me than I originally thought...but I'm gonna kick its ass, believe me!
 
Another note...My body is really starting to have an aversion to the subs because of how bad they've made me feel the past few days. Just the taste of them brings bad thoughts into my head, it sucks. I know it's not the subs fault, its mine for getting used to a full agonist again..but its hard to break the psychological bond the subs now have with me feeling awful. I hope I can shake this.
 
I will note that the subs have officially kicked in today (I know because, as soon as they do, I have to take a big poop...sorry, tmi, but us junkies are used to talking about our bowel movements, right? lol). AND I think I'm gonna make it today. I think I'm gonna make it without having to score. The past couple of days, when the subs have kicked in, this overwhelming "GET SOME FUCKING DOPE!!!" thought has plagued my brain (yesterday I literally threw a fit on my bed, complete with arm and leg thrashing, trying to fight the cravings..and I lost :( ) Part of me wonders how psychological the dope really is..yesterday, I felt almost immediate relief as soon as the dope boy picked up and said "c'mon". Like, I felt fine while driving over there and even thought to myself, "is this all in my head?". Being at work helps (which is why I tried to induct at work last friday, which was a terrible idea actually) so we'll see how I feel when I get out. I'm trying to be strong and not get dope. I know that just a couple of days without dope and I'll be back to my usual self. I'm going to try and be more active on this site again because I have found that I stay sober much easier when I'm regularly checking in. Pray/keep positive vibes/whatever for me please, guys. I know I can do this again.
 
Damn girl.
Nothing we can do about it now but push forward. I am on my longest clean run ever right now.
I think I’m over three weeks!! And only taking like one mg of sub every other day. Sure I feel like shit, and have almost shot myself several times but those thoughts are finally going away.
bad thing is people keep calling wanting me to get something for them.
one is a best friend. I don’t want him to be dead sick but I’m going to cause I know where that leads.
Msg me anytime if u need to talk or something. Believe me when I say I have been exactly where u r now. And for a long time might I add.
you got this. I know u do.
im sending a prayer up for you now.
 
Beenbetter, I'm so glad you're doing better! I've been thinking about you.

I'm making it through today. Tried a little DXM which helped some. One of my main problems during WD is HORRIBLE heartburn (I know, weird) and its been eating me up alive today. I'm staying strong though. Made it through half of the work day dope free and plan to do it the whole day. I know I'll feel so much better in the morning tomorrow and even better and better as the week carries on and I'm trying to tell myself that if I end up copping dope tonight, tomorrow will be just like today and so on and so on until I can get clean officially. Problem is, since I've been off the dope and working so much, I have so much money and that often makes me want to buy drugs, ya know? Stupid stupid.

Thanks for the reply, I've been refreshing this page all morning waiting for something. I know I got this..I did it before, and I can do it again. I'm a little angry with myself for getting here again...the last time I swore to myself I would never let myself feel the horrible wd pains ever again and here I am back at almost square 1. But, like you said, nothing I can do now but push forward. Using will just keep pushing me back, even if it gives me a few hours of relief. My goal is to be back stabilized on the subs by the weekend. Wish me luck!
 
Of course!!!! Best of luck along with prayers.
i swear. Fucking dope is the devil.
it literally ruined my brain.
i hate to even say this but I used a dab of ice a few days in the morning just for the terrible lethargy and it did take away a lot of the residual wds. I hate the shit tho. Feels gross.
ive been drinking entirely too much as well as developing a benzo problem.
im trying my hardest to make better choices. The feelings and thoughts I’ve been fighting are extremely worrying. My wife and kids are all going to fla soon and I’m scared to death of being alone so I’m trying to hustle up some cash to go visit some friends in the keys. They don’t fuck with d so I think it will help keep me clean but also hurt us financially. I guess being broke is better than the alternative. Lol
im far from having my issues fixed but I guess I am doing better than I was.
mentally though, I’m struggling hard. I am trying to put this all in God’s hands.

Youll beat this. I know it.
 
How I'm feeling today keeps shifting from ok to shit back to ok..better than just feeling like shit all day, right? If I could knock out this heartburn, I feel like I could actually make it. I've had this heartburn since before I even dosed the subs Friday, and then the subs made it worse. Every morning I keep waking up with it, regardless of what/when I eat the night before, and then the only thing that'll make it go away is dope usage. Is this normal, anyone? I feel like this is the only real physical symptom I have today...got some depression and overall meh feeling but thats to be expected.

I have faith I can make it today.

Beenbetter, just stay off the dope thats the key! More dope will just make things worse, every day you're away from it, the better you will be, trust me. I was really starting to feel like I had beaten this thing for good...then I got the (not so) bright idea that I could use recreationally for a day or two. I need to remember that I CANNOT use opiates casually. At one point in my past life, sure, opiates were something I could take or leave but now, with the history I've had with them at this point, this is no longer something I can do. It's funny how our brain can try and trick us into using even when we think we're past that point. Ugh. Lessons learned, however, and I DO NOT plan on letting this become my life once again. I was finally getting to the point where I was happy without drugs and I know I can get there again. Thanks for listening BL. I'm going to try and update daily till I feel like I'm on the other side of this again.
 
Good to hear from you and also to hear the determination in your words. Old habits die hard, and that applies to more than drugs!:\ But I do believe that every single time you get yourself back on track you are smarter, stronger and more resilient.<3
 
I sure hope so, herbavore!

I'm feeling a lot better than I did earlier today and have actually managed to get some decent work done at the office today, which means I'm adjusting to these subs better than I was just a couple days ago. I dunno if it was the DXM I took, or what, but I didn't have to take more opiates to make it through the day and that is an accomplishment! I'm trying to get through like I did the first time around, telling myself I'll feel better tomorrow. I hope that's actually true today, but if it isn't, I know that day will be not too far off! Having been through this with the subs before, I know what to expect which is helping me through. I know this shit feeling will go away soon.

On another note, JESUS precipitated withdrawal is the worst fucking thing I've ever been through. OMG! I thought maybe my first go-round on subs, I had experienced it, but I think those were just regular wds that were happening bc the 4 mg of subs they put me on couldn't touch my 2 + g a day dope habit (in retrospect, I should've weened down significantly before induction and advise anyone reading this to do the same). After my incident Friday, I KNOW what PWDs feel like now and I wouldn't wish them on my worst enemy. I went from ok to covered in sweat, water dripping (literally) out of my eyes and nose, stomach turning in knots, projectile vomiting, EXTREME anxiety in just a matter of minutes, It was truly frightening. I don't know how I even drove to my dealer's house, it was such a blur, but I made it. And then the dickhead shorted me, of course, because my dealer is a tool. I didn't even care, though, I was just so happy to have some dope in my hands. I wasn't sure if it would even work, but I tried and OMG the relief about 5 minutes later! I could've cried! Ugh, dope really is the devil (as beenbetter stated earlier today) and I can't wait to get away from it again.
 
And my 2 cents, though this may be an unpopular opinion here... don't tell your "BF" about this last relapse. Nothing good is going to come with telling him, especially if you truly love him and want to be with him. Maybe one day, years from now when you are living happily ever after you can tell him about this tumultuous time... but for now? Don't do it. It's okay to not tell him.
 
And my 2 cents, though this may be an unpopular opinion here... don't tell your "BF" about this last relapse. Nothing good is going to come with telling him, especially if you truly love him and want to be with him. Maybe one day, years from now when you are living happily ever after you can tell him about this tumultuous time... but for now? Don't do it. It's okay to not tell him.
Totally agree.
 
Y'all I made it through yesterday without any dope!

I made it through work, got off, bought some weed, and spent the evening in bed reading. I fell asleep for a few hours but was awoken around 4:30am with the return of my horrible heartburn. I managed to maybe get an hours worth more of sleep before finally having to make it to the clinic and then to work. I saw my therapist briefly at the clinic this am who told me I didn't look great, I told him it was this terrible heartburn and lack of sleep because of this awful heartburn that plagued me yet again this morning.

It's 2:14 and I've made it thus far. No lunch break dope runs for me again today! I'm feeling a little better, with a few lingering symptoms. My office is FREEZING and it's making me very uncomfortable..though, I'm fine once I'm outside in the warm Southern weather so i have a feeling I will feel much better once I get off work and can control my temperature a little better. I'm confident I will make it through again tonight. I had some thoughts that, I won't lie, made me feel good about going and scoring a little after work...how me taking yesterday off probably brought my tolerance down some...BUT NO. I will feel like this tomorrow and every day after until I quit for good. I keep trying to remember that and its getting me through. Also, weed!

I know it was only a 9 day binge, but I almost feel like I started back at square one. I have zero desire to do anything more than get off work and lay around tonight, as I did last night, and do no want to be social at all. This was how I felt when I first started subs a couple months ago for the first week as well. Jeez, such a short binge and already had to restart. Definitely teaches me things about wanting to relapse, even if just briefly, in the future.
 
Y'all I made it through yesterday without any dope!

I made it through work, got off, bought some weed, and spent the evening in bed reading. I fell asleep for a few hours but was awoken around 4:30am with the return of my horrible heartburn. I managed to maybe get an hours worth more of sleep before finally having to make it to the clinic and then to work. I saw my therapist briefly at the clinic this am who told me I didn't look great, I told him it was this terrible heartburn and lack of sleep because of this awful heartburn that plagued me yet again this morning.

It's 2:14 and I've made it thus far. No lunch break dope runs for me again today! I'm feeling a little better, with a few lingering symptoms. My office is FREEZING and it's making me very uncomfortable..though, I'm fine once I'm outside in the warm Southern weather so i have a feeling I will feel much better once I get off work and can control my temperature a little better. I'm confident I will make it through again tonight. I had some thoughts that, I won't lie, made me feel good about going and scoring a little after work...how me taking yesterday off probably brought my tolerance down some...BUT NO. I will feel like this tomorrow and every day after until I quit for good. I keep trying to remember that and its getting me through. Also, weed!

I know it was only a 9 day binge, but I almost feel like I started back at square one. I have zero desire to do anything more than get off work and lay around tonight, as I did last night, and do no want to be social at all. This was how I felt when I first started subs a couple months ago for the first week as well. Jeez, such a short binge and already had to restart. Definitely teaches me things about wanting to relapse, even if just briefly, in the future.
No shit. I fucked up last night when a guy (an actual good guy) who knew better than to offer me anything owed me some money, didn’t wanna pay cash I guess and said u want one the opana 40’s???? Golly, wtf is wrong with people. He knows my struggle and that they were what began my latest opiate run that almost killed me and almost cost me my business and family.of course I sniffed it up immediately. My tolerance had shrank drastically. I was even lit when I woke up, when I used to go to bed high on them and wake up at 2:00 needing more. So much for my three weeks. Well I ended up having to take an extra mg of sub today. My body was mad at me for last nights screw up by noon today. Plus lost about 500$ today when I’m really trying to make money for a plane ticket. gotta bounce back tomorrow somehow.
 
Well, last night I ended up stumbling across maybe a 1/4 gram of d that I thought I had lost last weekend in my house. I should've just flushed it, but didn't. However, it was only enough for a couple of lines and didn't really get me high or anything...but it did chill out my heartburn and improve my spirits just a bit. I'm actually kind of glad I did it...I hadn't eaten in almost four days, I was wayyyy behind on work, even more behind on housework, etc. from the past few days of trying to get back to normal on the subs. The little bit I did last night was just enough to get me to eat a big healthy meal, get most of my laundry done,finish up a huge work project that my boss has been riding me about finishing up, and get a good night's sleep. All in all, I don't regret it..I needed a bit of a break to get my life right again. I don't know if I mentioned this earlier, but I'm being promoted in my company to a position with a lot more responsibility (and much higher pay, hayyyy!!) and I've been given a boss. No longer working for my slacker functional alcoholic friend/boss anymore, my new boss, despite being a very nice guy, is putting a lot of pressure on me and giving me a lot more work than I'm used to and I've felt like I've been really struggling the past few days. In previous times of wd, I could tell my old boss I "felt like shit" and he'd pretty much leave me alone work wise or let me go home, but not this new boss.

Part of me wants to do "just a little" again tonight but I'm not gonna...no way no how. The sub I took this morning didn't make me feel like shit despite my use last night so I'm just gonna take that 'Win' and move on.

beenbetter, remember slip ups will happen, just don't let it make you fall completely down agaih..that's what I'm trying to tell myself.
 
No dope yesterday either, guys! I think I'm officially back on board this sober train! Feeling normal again...thank GOD!
 
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