Recovery A new me.

[jdfisse]

It will change..."it" always does. As for the repetitive thoughts of scoring after work today I am not sure it will help, but from my experience you would struggle mightily to break through a buprenorphine blockade so the reality is that you would likely not get high. So you would get to feel all of the shame with little, if any, relief. Not that shame ever stopped anyone from using. It is good that you are letting that out. It is abnormal for an addict to not use. I am a bird that doesn't fly, I am a fish that doesn't swim, I am an addict that doesn't use...

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Having a job and a house is amazing. Many of us work very hard toward something like that in recovery.

Be proud in yourself for making progress, you deserve it.

 

[ladyhlove]

Having a job and a house is amazing. Many of us work very hard toward something like that in recovery.

Be proud in yourself for making progress, you deserve it.

Thanks CH!

These are the things that keep me going day to day. I know I'm incredibly fortunate to have quit when I did, before I lost those things...and that wasn't too far off into the future. My job has had suspicions that I may be on something (due to occasional nod outs I tried to excuse by a lack of sleep...pshhh) and since the company has grown, they've instituted a drug test policy in the case of suspicion. Luckily for me, by law, once they established that as a rule (which they did like 2 weeks ago) they can't drug test for 60 days. I've known since about the 1st of the year this was going to go into effect within the next couple months, so I knew either my employment status or addiction status was limited. I told myself while still using that I'd stop before that happened, but if things hadn't transpired the way they did I don't know if I really would've. I probably would've found some way to try and cheat the test, to be honest with you. I've been smoking weed lately and its really been helping with the cravings of wanting to use after work (call it replacing one high with another...I don't care..it helps and is significantly better for my life than dope) but I've only got a week or so left before I have to quit in order to pass this drug test that will probably come in early May. Bummer, but that's life. I think once I have to officially stop smoking weed I'm going to try and get into hardcore exercise mode. To get the weed out of my system as well as get some natural high going. Everyone's gotta have some kind of fix, right? Trying to make mine healthier!

 

[Captain.Heroin]

I personally wouldn’t want a job if I couldn’t keep using marijuana. It’s medicinal.

Court decision says that doesn’t matter though.

 

[ladyhlove]

Yeah, it sucks, but nothing I can do about it. I have a feeling once they do the initial test and I'm clean, suspicion will die down and I wont have to worry about being tested again. But we'll see how it plays out..

 

[ladyhlove]

Well tonight I officially fucked up.

At about 3pm my boss told me that the CEO of our company has been enbezling millions of dollars and, as the company's lawyer, he was resigning immediately because he could face prosecution if not . This was a major shock to me and puts my own position in question. I don't know how much longer I'm gonna have a job. My boss loves me and says to hang in there and he'll come back for me at his next job but I'm still very worried. This is one of the only stable things in my life at the moment and I'm terrified.

So what did I do? Bought fucking dope. And surprisingly it broke through the Suboxone and I'm feeling high as shit tonight. Gotta say..I missed the feeling but I'm ashamed. I know relapse is part of recovery but I was doing so well i kinda can't believe I slipped. Just flushed the last bit so I can't use any tomorrow. Going to keep going on my path regardless of this slip up. Hopefully tomorrows sub dose won't bring on pwd..I know it probably won't bc I still have this mornings subs in me..but still.

Sorry to let you down bl but I'm not going to let this slip up be the end of my recovery mission.

 

[cj]

You will want to be careful about precipitated withdrawal. I would put at least 12 hours between the dope and the sub.

Relapse is a part of the struggle learn from it and move on. Your doing really well

 

[ladyhlove]

I took my usual 16mg this am and have been feeling fine. I'm ashamed but not going to let it stop me on this path. I need to learn better stress coping skills.

 

[Beenbetter]

I took my usual 16mg this am and have been feeling fine. I'm ashamed but not going to let it stop me on this path. I need to learn better stress coping skills.

That is exactly what most of us addicts need is to learn better coping skills. In my opinion anyway. I know that is one of the things that conributes to my using. I am in the process of trying the Burnese method of induction onto the subs. I was so close the other day and went on a weekend binder and didn?t take any so it?s basically day one again. I suck so bad. Dang this has been a hard last couple years. You are doing great ladyh. If I could only get to where u are....

 

[ladyhlove]

That is exactly what most of us addicts need is to learn better coping skills. In my opinion anyway. I know that is one of the things that conributes to my using. I am in the process of trying the Burmese method of induction onto the subs. I was so close the other day and went on a weekend binder and didn?t take any so it?s basically day one again. I suck so bad. Dang this has been a hard last couple years. You are doing great ladyh. If I could only get to where u are....

Don't be so hard on yourself, beenbetter. At least you are considering quitting at all which more than a lot of addicts are even willing to do. What exactly is the Burmese method?

Anywho, it's day 17 of recovery with one slip up the day before yesterday. Of course the clinic I'm receiving treatment at did their monthly drug panel the day after I used...luckily the program allows for some opiate positive results from time to time without much recourse, they understand that relapse is a part of recovery. They didn't mention anything to me about it today but I know I had to have failed that drug screen. Still feeling good physically and glad that my little relapse didn't restart the timeline as far as withdrawals. A small part of me wishes I had felt some physical punishment from it because it kind of feels like, hey I used and nothing bad happened...maybe I can use again? This is the kind of thinking that has always led to full on relapses in the past when I've gotten clean..I'll get clean for a week or two and then feel better and then use sparingly, not have any bad results immediately, think I can continue to "use sparingly" (but I don't, I eventually ramp up my usage more and more till I back into full blown addiction and physical dependence). I'm trying to remember that...that I DON'T and WON'T have control over opiate usage the only option is abstinence if I want to have a successful future. The fact that I'm recognizing all of these things is a major improvement for me..I was in hardcore denial for a long time about my control over my opiate usage.

Work things are settling down a bit. Unsure of my company's future but I have a job and a paycheck for now. I'm in the process of actively searching for something new, though. It's frustrating, my work life was about the only thing going on with me that wasn't falling apart, but now it's going that way as well. Feeling emotionally unwell today, overthinking lots involving issues with my ex and I and trying to get back to where I was last week when I decided to just let it be and not worry about it. I'm fixing so much about myself these days and its something I want to fix so bad right now but I know its something that can only be resolved with time. I'm so impatient sometimes.

 

[Beenbetter]

You sort of did it.
It is basically introducing subs while still using on top of them.
I just can?t seem to cut out the using like you have.
I feel like I try so hard but I obviously don?t.

 

[ladyhlove]

One thing I've done is told pretty much everyone in my life about my quitting (excluding anyone related to work). It's helped a lot because I feel like if I use I'll feel like a big ole phony when everyone keeps checking on me and telling me how proud they are of me.

Yeah, I actually recommend starting the way I did if your habit is big like mine was. The amount of subs they gave me couldn't give me enough relief at first so I used to be able to function the first 2 days, then stopped and, while still in withdrawal for about 4 days after that, it was a much more bearable withdrawal than the first two days were before I dosed the dope.

Day 18 of recovery. I haven't slipped up again since I did Tuesday night, just stayed on my subs. I've felt some very minor withdrawal symptoms physically this week some, thinking its due to my minor use :/ Just a little runny nose and a slight temperature control issue. It's pretty much dissipated at this point so I think I'm out of the woods as far as being affected by my minor relapse. Thankful it wasn't worse than this.

Started working out yesterday! I walked/jogged about 3.5 miles on the treadmill and did some minor weight lifting. It felt great and I'm going to try and keep that up. Get to spend some time with the ex this evening..he's helping me out with some car repair stuff and I'm really looking forward to that. Life's pretty good today

 

[Stargazer]

Beenbetter- I recently read about one of the documented successful sub inductions w the Burmese method. I'm not sure if that's the one you posted the link for.

It would be very informative, not to mention interesting, to read your experience- and coming from the individual rather than the physician's interpretation only. Keep at it Beenbetter

You're pointing in the right direction. . Sorry to interrupt thread. This is groundbreaking stuff and I feel many would be more open to Suboxone tx if not for the agonizing 24hr wait. It's very mentally trying for me. Don't mean to sound like a wuss.

Hope you're well lady. You're doing great. Thanks for sharing your experience. I have an appointment exactly a week from today to begin subs. It can't come soon enough.

 

[jdfisse]

If anyone wants to research this method it is actually called Bernese. That will allow for easier Google searching...

 

[Stargazer]

^^Sorry about typo Thanks for correcting me. It is very interesting indeed.(the method, not your correction lol).

 

[Kellyfendiloxphine]

Thank you so much for sharing your journey with us! the struggles and the triumphs.. I don't think the w/d is easy for anyone, if you've been on it for as long as you have. I am working up the courage to check myself into the clinic to probably start suboxone. My opiate tolerance is so high that I really don't get high and I haven't for ages. I just stop the w/d. I have been wondering if suboxone takes away cravings or creates a high. I am so sorry that you lost your bf because of using. But you should be so incredibly proud for recognizing that you could work towards getting him back and getting everything back that using has taken from you (or would have taken from you very soon). It's hard to admit it and do the work to get off, but you're doing it!! It's admirable that you haven't put your boyfriend as the number 1 priority but staying clean as the priority. I know in the clinics they really work with you to make sure that you know how to live without drugs... without being bored... learning how to do yoga and so many other things. Hopefully you can find more hobbies to fill your time when you're alone or bored so that you don't start using again. You have come this far so I hope you're still doing good. Looking forward to reading your posts!

 

[Beenbetter]

How are you doing ladyh?
You are doing so well and I hope to see your latest update soon.
This is definitely the first thread I check every time I log on because the situation is so close to mine. Only difference is that the love of my life hasn?t left me YET. We have been together for over twenty years and have two beautiful daughters. Sounds crazy that I have any kind of Hard time stabilizing on the subs with soo much on the line but I assume I am just letting the junkie in me win most days. How are your cravings? The sub just doesn?t stop them for me anymore and is what causes me to fail. I have done well today with just 2mgs of sub and unfortunately a very small bump of something strong to help me back to sleep at around 2:30 am..
I hope you are trucking along still doing great.

 

[ladyhlove]

Hey guys! I just want to start out by thanking everyone for their replies. It feels weird but also awesome to know people I don't really know around the country/world are keeping up with my story and are rooting for me!

Day 22 and feeling great today. I haven't posted in a few days because, well life has been crazy. Someone ran into my car on Sunday, totaling it of course. I swear, the universe is really testing me these days but I've been strong. After my wreck Sunday I had never wanted to use so badly, but I remained strong. I keep reminding myself that using will only hurt my situation not help it. Staying clean is the only way to help it. I literally have to say these things out loud to myself sometimes, but they work.

Boredom is probably my biggest problem right now. I'm trying to keep busy with life things (housework, work work, etc) and things with friends but I'm still finding this intense desire to get off work and get high everyday. I've been answering this desire not with dope but with weed, which was my doc for a long time before I discovered opiates. It helps tremendously with the cravings, but as I've mentioned previously, in my program I'm not allowed to test positive for ANYTHING (except suboxone) so the bag I finished up last night has to be my last if I want to make progress in my program. If I continue to fail for mj, I won't be kicked out of the program or anything, but I won't "advance" in it (the higher up you go on levels in this program, the less you have to visit the clinic, more take homes, less counselor visits, that sort of thing) and I really want to move up in all of this. The clinic is only a couple minutes drive from me, so going 6 days a week (with a Sunday take home given on Saturday) isn't that big of a deal, but in order to get to the point where they will begin to ween me off the subs, I have to move through the program properly. It sucks, but I remind myself I have the rest of my life after this process to smoke weed.

I've still been drinking, but limiting it to under 3. I get horrible depression when hungover and it just isn't worth it to me. I'm pretty proud of myself for remaining responsible with my drinking because a part of me thought maybe I'd try and replace opiates completely with alcohol and become a big ole lush. Honestly, been there done that got multiple t-shirts when it comes to booze, so the temptation to get super wasted just isn't there.

Things with the ex are about the same. We made the final exchange of stuff this past Friday, which was hard. However, when he came to bring me my stuff we ended up spending the whole night and most of Saturday together, pretty much acting like a couple. He's incredibly proud of the progress I've made and I can tell he really wants to try and work things out, but he knows I'm early in this process and I think he's afraid if he gives in decides to give us another shot, I may take steps back in my recovery. Honestly, I could probably sit him down and convince him to take me back today, I know he's still crazy about me, but I know I need this time to learn how to be ok with being alone and work on my codependency issues as well as my addiction issues.

Life is about as upside down as it could possibly be, but I'm trying to look on the positive side of things and tell myself all this change is good for me.

Good luck to all of you in the struggle, it's tough out here in the world.

 

[ladyhlove]

How are you doing ladyh?
You are doing so well and I hope to see your latest update soon.
This is definitely the first thread I check every time I log on because the situation is so close to mine. Only difference is that the love of my life hasn?t left me YET. We have been together for over twenty years and have two beautiful daughters. Sounds crazy that I have any kind of Hard time stabilizing on the subs with soo much on the line but I assume I am just letting the junkie in me win most days. How are your cravings? The sub just doesn?t stop them for me anymore and is what causes me to fail. I have done well today with just 2mgs of sub and unfortunately a very small bump of something strong to help me back to sleep at around 2:30 am..
I hope you are trucking along still doing great.

I know the subs take awhile to adjust to, but using dope on top is totally slowing that process even more. After my first two days on subs, using dope, I realized things on the subs weren't going to get any better if I kept using and just toughed it. The first 2 or 3 days after dope were hard, I still felt like shit, but I just kept telling myself that I would find relief soon just had to stay off the dope. And guess what? I DID eventually find relief. I kept telling myself "tomorrow", "tomorrow you will feel normal again", even if that wasn't true. I have a tough time with things that take awhile, i'm impatient, but I found telling myself I'd be better the next day kept me going and staying strong until the next day. And when I still didn't find relief that next day? I told myself I'd get it the next day after that. That thought kept me going day after day until I finally did get to a good place on the subs. 2mg isn't much suboxone, I don't know what your habit was/is like but if you're using h I would recommend a higher sub dose. I'm on 16, which is pretty damn high, but it works for me. I don't get high off of it, but it does put me in somewhat of a good mood..but not any better of a mood than I used to have naturally before I became an addict. Keep trying, dear, you'll get it!

 

[KellyB]

I have dealt with opiate addiction in my life. I am a 46 years old mother of 4 beautiful kids and I was addicted to pain pills in my 30's. I am like you and loved the energy they gave me so I could clean, cook, and take care of the kids. A counselor once called them "mommy's little helper". I got arrested for forgery because I spent all my money on pills instead of paying my bills so I forged 2 checks from the city that I worked for....forged the Mayors name. I received probation but still couldnt stay clean so I failed drug tests. Then I was arrested for a DWI while on probation. I was sent to a facility called SAFPF (substance abuse felony punishment facility) for 6 months. I left my husband to take care of our 4 children and run our business. I have since been clean 6 years and I have learned hoe to deal with life instead of putting pills in my mouth and trying to escape life. My husband supported me through it all but never could get over the trust issue. We divorced two years ago in 2015, we were married 26 years.

The hardest thing I have had to go through happened to me in November 2017. My now ex husband had gotten involved with some strippers and was found dead in a strippers apartment. The cause of death was accidental toxic affects of cocaine, heroin, and zanex. All that he went through with me only to die of a drug overdose just boggles my mind. I am now left alone to raise our children.