Hey guys! I just want to start out by thanking everyone for their replies. It feels weird but also awesome to know people I don't really know around the country/world are keeping up with my story and are rooting for me!
Day 22 and feeling great today. I haven't posted in a few days because, well life has been crazy. Someone ran into my car on Sunday, totaling it of course. I swear, the universe is really testing me these days but I've been strong. After my wreck Sunday I had never wanted to use so badly, but I remained strong. I keep reminding myself that using will only hurt my situation not help it. Staying clean is the only way to help it. I literally have to say these things out loud to myself sometimes, but they work.
Boredom is probably my biggest problem right now. I'm trying to keep busy with life things (housework, work work, etc) and things with friends but I'm still finding this intense desire to get off work and get high everyday. I've been answering this desire not with dope but with weed, which was my doc for a long time before I discovered opiates. It helps tremendously with the cravings, but as I've mentioned previously, in my program I'm not allowed to test positive for ANYTHING (except suboxone) so the bag I finished up last night has to be my last if I want to make progress in my program. If I continue to fail for mj, I won't be kicked out of the program or anything, but I won't "advance" in it (the higher up you go on levels in this program, the less you have to visit the clinic, more take homes, less counselor visits, that sort of thing) and I really want to move up in all of this. The clinic is only a couple minutes drive from me, so going 6 days a week (with a Sunday take home given on Saturday) isn't that big of a deal, but in order to get to the point where they will begin to ween me off the subs, I have to move through the program properly. It sucks, but I remind myself I have the rest of my life after this process to smoke weed.
I've still been drinking, but limiting it to under 3. I get horrible depression when hungover and it just isn't worth it to me. I'm pretty proud of myself for remaining responsible with my drinking because a part of me thought maybe I'd try and replace opiates completely with alcohol and become a big ole lush. Honestly, been there done that got multiple t-shirts when it comes to booze, so the temptation to get super wasted just isn't there.
Things with the ex are about the same. We made the final exchange of stuff this past Friday, which was hard. However, when he came to bring me my stuff we ended up spending the whole night and most of Saturday together, pretty much acting like a couple. He's incredibly proud of the progress I've made and I can tell he really wants to try and work things out, but he knows I'm early in this process and I think he's afraid if he gives in decides to give us another shot, I may take steps back in my recovery. Honestly, I could probably sit him down and convince him to take me back today, I know he's still crazy about me, but I know I need this time to learn how to be ok with being alone and work on my codependency issues as well as my addiction issues.
Life is about as upside down as it could possibly be, but I'm trying to look on the positive side of things and tell myself all this change is good for me.
Good luck to all of you in the struggle, it's tough out here in the world.