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November Getting/Staying Clean/Sober Thread, v Holiday Gatherings & Dazed Blatherings

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^3 year and 2 weeks and 1 day now CH? Nice work :)

cyberius said:
Back from rehab for a week, and life is a weird void of nothingness

45ish days I lost count, it's clsoe to there but I've never been this sober since I was 16
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Not to jinx anything, but keep in mind that, if you end up slipping up, it's important to try not to be too hard on yourself. You're just beginning the recovery process, and it's good to have a place just in case you slip. Hope for the worst, plan for the best. I'm not suggesting you should relapse or anything, just being aware that it's very common for people in early recovery to encounter as challenge. What matters most is your bouncing back, the relapse or lapse itself is less significant. The chance to practice resiliency is more significant IMO.

Anyways, congrats on your progress cyberius! Keep up the good work!
 
xZn1Bg

...
Recently im learning I need to love myself first.
I hope you folks do the same <3
May your tuesday be terrific
 
That is so incredibly important, and it can also be super challenging. But it's so rewarding!

Learning how to practice self compassion was absolutely a huge part of my recent developmental process.

And learning to love one's self is an ongoing, lifelong process. And it learning how to love myself makes actually loving others in meaningful ways so, so much more accessible. I've got a lot of work to do with this myself, but it's such a rewarding process.
 
In one of my favorite Curb Your Enthusiasm episodes Larry gets into an argument with a neighbor who calls him a "self-loathing Jew" and Larry replies, "I do hate myself but it has nothing to do with being Jewish." That's how I often feel. Those feelings diminish the longer I am away from alcohol but honestly when I'm on a drinking binge I hate the person I am at that moment.
 
I had a slip up today and I feel so stupid and scared. A guy I kinda know asked me for a ride leaving when I was leaving the clinic today. He's down on his luck and the destination was on my way so I said sure. Once in the car he handed me a .5 kolonopin and it was in my mouth before I even contemplated the situation and potential consequences. I'm going out of town with family next week and have applied for special takehome privilege so I don't have to guest dose. I have jeapordized that for a fucking pill I barely even feel. My parents will freak if I end up losing my takehomes over this. Besides that it was a scary reminder that I have zero self control. Like none.

It's terrifying because I am so tired of being in legal trouble not being trusted ect. It feels like it is hopeless to try and stay out of trouble. I just feel defeated. I'm scared between this the legal drama I just feel like I am destined to be a screw up no matter what happens.

I don't know what to do. A part of me wants to tell my mmt counselor in the morning and beg for mercy. The other half thinks I should wait it out and hope I don't get tested this week since it will clear fast being a tiny dose. Im at a loss for all the good things I do one tiny fuck up has the potential to ruin everything I've worked for. It's only the third time I've taken an illicit drug since June but it seems like the failures count for more then the succees in my recovery.

I feel so stupid. The last month has been such a grind between the deep depression suicidal ideation court stress I don't know. I just don't feel mentally well.
 
I'm not trying to tell you what to do, but I don't think you have much to worry about.

Paradoxical reaction, you take a benzo trying to calm down and it ends up stressing you out for a long time.

If you would have said no, would you feel any different? Debatably not. This is why triggering "sucks so hard", because it puts us into a mental lose-lose maelstrom.

Best to avoid other people when possible.
 
so glad i haven't had a phone since september. that's a big factor into why i havent relapsed
 
Captain.Heroin said:
I'm not trying to tell you what to do, but I don't think you have much to worry about.

Paradoxical reaction, you take a benzo trying to calm down and it ends up stressing you out for a long time.

If you would have said no, would you feel any different? Debatably not. This is why triggering "sucks so hard", because it puts us into a mental lose-lose maelstrom.

Best to avoid other people when possible.
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Yeah I've calmed down a bit and feel better. I'm just going to hope for the best
 
^
cj, I think this is the right move. Those mental shit storms that come up when we stumble (or think we're going to stumble) are so all-consuming. But honestly, that's going to be behind you very quickly. I think the most important part is getting your footing back and your confidence.

CH makes a good point, too...when I get to craving (like recently, for instance :\), I have to be *extremely* careful who I put myself around...I just get so susceptible exactly the kinds of stuff you described.
 
I'm flipping out because I just discovered my financial condition is in a much more precarious position than I thought. I've already eaten a couple of Ativan and chain smoked to bring me down. It's a temporary condition. I have a check for several grand coming to me from a real estate closing last year (the check was in my mailbox and it got returned because I was too fucking out of it to check my mail) and it's my negligence for not filing my income taxes because again, I should have several grand coming back to me. But until I get my taxes done I can't apply for health insurance. My tax person says she can get it done this week but that's not helping me to not flip out. Kids, this is what happens when you don't deal with your life issues because you're too busy being passed out. I won't drink over this though, because that's what got me into this mess in the first place.
 


I couldn't find the music thread, so I posted this here. Whatever.

Enjoy. Listen and ruminate.
 
I relapsed a few weeks ago and ended up in hospital. Fucks knows why I decided to do that, but it was a couple of days of madness (wake up from od in the hospital and then shoot up snowball in the toilets whilst waiting to discharge self type of behaviour) and I've been clean since. That was a two and a half year run of no opiates come to an end, so I'm back to like a month now.

Turned down the opportunity to buy methaqualone (which I've always wanted to try) since then, and also turned down the chance for free cocaine a couple of times. I feel pretty strong and good again now I don't know wtf that relapse was about or what was going through my mind when I thought it would be a good idea. I know that thinking I was ok to use a benzo was the catalyst for full blown relapse though.
 
toothpastedog said:
I'm not suggesting you should relapse or anything
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Literally lol'd

I want to get high so bad man I'm whiteknuckling this today. I have no desire to go back to those chemicals but I just want to fucking die sometimes
 
I also totally wrote the Wong tho g in that post. Don’t hope for the worst and plan for the best. Rather, hope for the best plan for the worst. Whoops! Lol :)
 
^ Right!

I was once remembered that we should not have expectations from others and live day by day trying to do the best you can.

It took mw a while to understand or even agree that I should live my life without expectations, it’s not like live without goals, not at all. Have your goals and do your best, and by eliminating what to expect you deal with all the anxiety so much better. We can only live our life. The moment you set expectations from the others, things will never be as one has planned IMHO.
 
I have been chipping for about 8 months now but I decided to just stop the nonsense. I have been "existing" between my fixes, not living life and it's time to admit the chipping experiment has failed (surprise surprise)

I have 5 days clean today. Time to get back on track.
 
Life is just a mixed up confusing mess lately . I seriously have no expectations and even try to keep my hopes very small. My goals barely exist and are recognized as Long-term Possibilities.

If I attempt to function any other way, than described above-- i am crushingly disappointed.
 
i feel your pain there. today was a very bad day for me, but its almost over
 
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