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Mental Health Unrelenting suicidal ideation

CJ do your parents know that you are taking the zoloft? If not, please tell them. Also, force yourself to exercise, even if you have to do it at home.
 
PriestTheyCalledHim said:
CJ do your parents know that you are taking the zoloft? If not, please tell them. Also, force yourself to exercise, even if you have to do it at home.
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Nah they would freak out if they knew I was taking an antidepressant. They think depression is fake news or some stupid shit. I told my therapist and he texts me a couple times a week between appointments so I do have someone looking out for adverse effects.

Im feeling some extra energy from the Zoloft. Having a little insomnia and a wierd speedy type feeling after a week. Think I might ask my doc to switch me too remeron when I get an appointment though because I liked it better. It was slightly sedating which was nice.

Overall my suicidal thoughts have really been turned down over the last two weeks. I'm not happy but not aggressively sad either. I just feel well nothing. I guess that's an improvement

I titrated up too 100mg and I'm going to stay here.
 
Antidepressants take a few weeks to start to work properly and you must must take it every day regularly.

I dont know the dose thats the usual starter for zoloft but its available on the website.

The withdrawals if you stop taking it all of a suddrn are pretty awful and may make you feel worse so please take it regularly and dont just stop for any reason.

Mate at the end of the day its your life, your health and your happiness. If you need to tell your doctor you are a danger to yourself then do it, dont put the needs and wants of anyone else before your life.

Hope you are ok mate .
 
cj said:
Nah they would freak out if they knew I was taking an antidepressant. They think depression is fake news or some stupid shit. I told my therapist and he texts me a couple times a week between appointments so I do have someone looking out for adverse effects.

Im feeling some extra energy from the Zoloft. Having a little insomnia and a wierd speedy type feeling after a week. Think I might ask my doc to switch me too remeron when I get an appointment though because I liked it better. It was slightly sedating which was nice.

Overall my suicidal thoughts have really been turned down over the last two weeks. I'm not happy but not aggressively sad either. I just feel well nothing. I guess that's an improvement

I titrated up too 100mg and I'm going to stay here.
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At least tell your parents you are taking the zoloft, how much you are taking, etc. so they can keep an eye on you.

It takes at least 2 weeks or even 3 weeks for zoloft to start working and you should start out on a low dose like 25-50mg for one week or two weeks and then increase it.
 
cj said:
Think I might ask my doc to switch me too remeron when I get an appointment though because I liked it better. It was slightly sedating which was nice.
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Actually Remeron will probably be added, not substituted. I'm on both Celexa (morning) and Remeron (night). Between the Remeron and gabapentin I generally don't have to take an Ativan to get to sleep like I used to.
 
When I was on 200mg sertraline/Zoloft, I gotta say, the ideation was real and scary. When I was at a lower dose, I always thought the increased risk was just because it gave you a little more "energy" or focus to carry out previous plans.

But no, there's really something more to it. A very detached, pragmatic feeling--it felt simply appropriate to off myself.

Two serious attempts later (I was handed my phone and told to "make the call" to family), and I'm on 100mg, with none of the impulse, slowly kicking it completely.

Take it seriously, anyone who feels that coming on, and don't be afraid to cut your dose before you see your doctor (you can stop your SSRIs cold-turkey, nothing bad will happen, even if it's better to taper off; don't believe the weird hype in other threads).
 
Scrofula said:
When I was on 200mg sertraline/Zoloft, I gotta say, the ideation was real and scary. When I was at a lower dose, I always thought the increased risk was just because it gave you a little more "energy" or focus to carry out previous plans.

But no, there's really something more to it. A very detached, pragmatic feeling--it felt simply appropriate to off myself.

Two serious attempts later (I was handed my phone and told to "make the call" to family), and I'm on 100mg, with none of the impulse, slowly kicking it completely.

Take it seriously, anyone who feels that coming on, and don't be afraid to cut your dose before you see your doctor (you can stop your SSRIs cold-turkey, nothing bad will happen, even if it's better to taper off; don't believe the weird hype in other threads).
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That's terrifying. It's funny now that I don't feel suicidal the thoughts and plans I was making actually scare me. Like I was actually planning to kill myself. Making preparation looking up methods. It feels like that wasn't even me. I don't know how to explain it now I feel like I don't want to die as bad as I felt like I wanted to die before. The 180 turn is kind of a head fuck. Ugh I have to work this shit out before something bad happens. I just wish there was an easy solution
 
cj said:
That's terrifying. It's funny now that I don't feel suicidal the thoughts and plans I was making actually scare me. Like I was actually planning to kill myself. Making preparation looking up methods. It feels like that wasn't even me. I don't know how to explain it now I feel like I don't want to die as bad as I felt like I wanted to die before. The 180 turn is kind of a head fuck. Ugh I have to work this shit out before something bad happens. I just wish there was an easy solution
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Just keep in mind there's a lot of people pulling for you!!
 
I recently got out of the hosp (was in for 7 days) for suicidal ideations, put on all these meds I can't afford (thank God for goodrx) and a month out I do feel a lil better but some days are def better than others. I had a plan too. Told several ppl what it was but didn't really want to die, I just wanted to feel. Sometimes being numb is worse than feeling everything and I was numb. I luckily have a very supportive b/f and female best friend. I do still think about dying but I don't have a desire to do it if that makes sense. Stick with it CJ, it will get better but the meds are gonna be needed for a while-maybe permanently. I'm not sure if I've even made sense but I wanted you to know you're not alone, a lot of us here know ur pain and sympathize. I wish there was a magic one size fits all pill that would fix us but...we're not broken, we're just at a different level of wellness from other people.
 
I'm glad you're feeling better, sabathiel.

It makes me wonder, you mention hospitalization and meds, most BL'ers have heard of clinical studies where a blast of ketamine in the ER works wonders for this kind of thing. But has anyone here had any experience with that? Even second or third hand? What are the typical interventions for these feelings besides a 5150?

Best I've gotten is a blast of IV phenobarbital, which while wonderful at the time, is kind of short-lived. After that it's an appointment with a shrink, maybe, two weeks from then.
 
I really struggled with this earlier in the year, and had to go to hospital a few times as a result. It really felt like a deep need to kill myself. Not like something that I was desperate for, but something that I was simply and definitely heading towards and couldn't avoid for much longer. It was really horrifying to come to that point where you actually feel like there is no choice but to kill yourself. That it is reasonable and obvious and inevitable. The dread that I carried with me everywhere! For me, it was getting off certain drugs that have allowed me to move on from that state; I still have relatively regular suicidal thoughts but they are more abstract or reflexive and carry none of the vividity of earlier this year. And I feel about a fifth as depressed.

I think opiates can induce depression/dysphoria in tolerant/dependant people. I simply could not stay happy when taking high doses of stuff, I felt hollow and empty and incredibly isolated from everyone. I was also taking benzos and lyrica and all this shit together ended up making me unutterably depressed. I got onto maintenance therapy which has turned out to be a godsend, because I'm not high nor can I really get high, and counterintuitively my mood has lifted incredibly. It was painful to get here but its been worth it because I now actually want to live.

I hope that you find a way forward cj, you're a great person and I really value your input around the place <3
 
swilow said:
I really struggled with this earlier in the year, and had to go to hospital a few times as a result. It really felt like a deep need to kill myself. Not like something that I was desperate for, but something that I was simply and definitely heading towards and couldn't avoid for much longer. It was really horrifying to come to that point where you actually feel like there is no choice but to kill yourself. That it is reasonable and obvious and inevitable. The dread that I carried with me everywhere! For me, it was getting off certain drugs that have allowed me to move on from that state; I still have relatively regular suicidal thoughts but they are more abstract or reflexive and carry none of the vividity of earlier this year. And I feel about a fifth as depressed.

I think opiates can induce depression/dysphoria in tolerant/dependant people. I simply could not stay happy when taking high doses of stuff, I felt hollow and empty and incredibly isolated from everyone. I was also taking benzos and lyrica and all this shit together ended up making me unutterably depressed. I got onto maintenance therapy which has turned out to be a godsend, because I'm not high nor can I really get high, and counterintuitively my mood has lifted incredibly. It was painful to get here but its been worth it because I now actually want to live.

I hope that you find a way forward cj, you're a great person and I really value your input around the place <3
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That's a good description of what it felt like swillow. I was just going to kill myself there was no choice in the matter it was just going to happen. I'm actually at my primary care doctor right now trying to get some further help. I ditched the Zoloft cause it made me too speedy. Trying to get back on remeron and I'm going to push for gabapentin
 
Ugh my doctor appointment was a total bust. They basically ignored what I told them worked and prescribed celexa another shitty ssri that won't work. Ssri don't work for me but these doctors think they need to reinvent the fucking wheel. It's fucking stupid remeron isn't even abusable what will prescribing it hurt? Fuckers.
 
Why the hell will they not listen to someone that has a past success with a particular drug? Makes my mind go to dark places (like are they getting kickbacks from drug companies?)
 
I don't know. I went to UAB which is supposed to be a world class kinda place. I'm really frustrated. I feel worse now then I did before my appointment. It just feels hopeless I'm fighting against so many obstacles. I really was starting to feel hopeful.

I mean I guess it's partly my fault for being a drug addict. That just adds all these other layers into everything. On top of that I can't be totally honest or I would end up getting hospitalized and I'm not trying to do that. Ugh whatever another day in hell. Life is just a sick fucking joke. I'm so over all this shit. It's all fucking pointless anyway
 
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cj said:
Ugh my doctor appointment was a total bust. They basically ignored what I told them worked and prescribed celexa another shitty ssri that won't work. Ssri don't work for me but these doctors think they need to reinvent the fucking wheel. It's fucking stupid remeron isn't even abusable what will prescribing it hurt? Fuckers.
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Are you still taking the zoloft at 50-100mg? Do your therapist and doctors know you are taking the zoloft or have been taking it as you mentioned earlier in this thread?

Do your parents know how you are feeling? DO NOT do anything to hurt yourself or if you are suicidal get help. Please tell your therapist, parents, and doctor about all of this.
 
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Not sure what you feel you need to be dishonest about.

Folks and kids, you MUST mention any suicidal thoughts to your doctors and shrinks. They will not put you in the hospital or psych ward just for saying you think about suicide.

Yes, yes, boiler plate about "reporting" things, trust me, they're not going to call the sheriff to come get you if you say you think about hurting yourself, unless you have a gun in your hand. It has to be an immediate threat for that to happen. It is a very high bar to trigger that stuff. (TBH, the typical lack of beds available to counties almost assures you won't get one even if you desperately wanted one. Even if your shrink decided you were a risk to yourself, there likely wouldn't be anywhere to take you.)

I have voluntarily gone to the ER after trying to off myself, only to be released when it was determined I would live.

I have been 5150'd and put on a bona fide psych ward after drunk dialing the sheriff, only because that was the single open bed in the entire county, and the shrink to sign the release must've been busy playing golf or something.

I have had a therapist who I confessed intense suicidal ideation to. She simply called me at random times to see how I was feeling, for a couple days.

For your doctors and psychiatrists to treat you properly, they must now how you are responding to your meds, and if your meds make you want to off yourself, well obviously they aren't working.
 
PriestTheyCalledHim said:
Are you still taking the zoloft at 50-100mg? Do your therapist and doctors know you are taking the zoloft or have been taking it as you mentioned earlier in this thread?

Do your parents know how you are feeling? DO NOT do anything to hurt yourself or if you are suicidal get help. Please tell your therapist, parents, and doctor about all of this.
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I switched to 20mg of celexa after the doctors appointment at uab. I'm actually starting to feel better from a depression standpoint. I'm not planning on killing myself anymore. I told my therapist today about how I had been feeling and he basically told me he knew I was contemplating suicide because you can't be as depressed as I was and not be. But he didn't feel like I was going to go through with it and he didn't think a hospitalization would of been particularly helpful.

I'm going to try and stay on top of my mental health better from here on out even if it means getting hospitalized.
 
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