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August Getting Staying Clean and Sober Thread vs Light in August

I love when the brain starts coming around

I blame this on having stopped taking dissociatives. It was helpful distancing myself from opioid use, but damn it took a toll too. Looking forward to working on quitting smoking over the next six months.

How is it not using tobacco NSA? Any tips or advice? This is by far my most deeply entrenched substance use issue, so I have a feeling I'm in for a treat or sorts.
 
Ok I've just got to rant a little (what's new, huh?). I made the mistake of joining some guys from NA for their weekly trip to a Chinese buffet and the conversation made me so angry and physically nauseous I had to leave. They started talking about specific women, naming names, in an inappropriate and highly sexual way. It is fucked up beyond my comprehension to be using a recovery support group as a hookup strategy. Part of me wants to never return to that group and put these people in a mental box, seal it up tight and never let it see the light of day again, and part of me wants to go back and find these women and tip them off to what may be coming. Every time I think about it I uncover an entirely new way in which this is just so, so fucked up and it gets me worked up all over again.
 
I never smoked cigarettes my whole life until a got off the heavy duty meds. It seemed like something had to fill the void be it porn or whatever. TPD has you tried e-cigs or is that what you're already doing? With e-cigs you could just move to lower and lower nicotine levels. They are a pain though. Maybe you drop it or something else goes wrong with it.
 
When I was on methadone I tried the nicotine vaping thing. Actually got pretty into it. It didn't really work out so well in retrospect, although I do believe it was good for my health compared to smoking (it was definitely good for my teeth!) because I'd just vape all the time. I feel like if I'm going to really quit I'm better off using gum or patches and avoiding e-cigs, as I think I actually enjoy the effects from nicotine more as gum or patches. Plus meditating with some gum stuck under my lip is kinda nice ;)

Where I'm living currently smoking is something that is readily accessible. My soon to be current living situation will change that, making it difficult to just go and have a smoke whenever I feel the urge. I have a feeling that sort of different environment will be helpful for me in this, as has been spending more time with people who don't smoke, but it'll still be tough as we all know.

Ok I've just got to rant a little (what's new, huh?). I made the mistake of joining some guys from NA for their weekly trip to a Chinese buffet and the conversation made me so angry and physically nauseous I had to leave. They started talking about specific women, naming names, in an inappropriate and highly sexual way. It is fucked up beyond my comprehension to be using a recovery support group as a hookup strategy. Part of me wants to never return to that group and put these people in a mental box, seal it up tight and never let it see the light of day again, and part of me wants to go back and find these women and tip them off to what may be coming. Every time I think about it I uncover an entirely new way in which this is just so, so fucked up and it gets me worked up all over again.

That sounds a lot like most of the fellowshipping experience I've had with AA and NA men. It's somewhere between sad and ofensive.
 
Ok I've just got to rant a little (what's new, huh?). I made the mistake of joining some guys from NA for their weekly trip to a Chinese buffet and the conversation made me so angry and physically nauseous I had to leave. They started talking about specific women, naming names, in an inappropriate and highly sexual way. It is fucked up beyond my comprehension to be using a recovery support group as a hookup strategy. Part of me wants to never return to that group and put these people in a mental box, seal it up tight and never let it see the light of day again, and part of me wants to go back and find these women and tip them off to what may be coming. Every time I think about it I uncover an entirely new way in which this is just so, so fucked up and it gets me worked up all over again.

I'm sure you've heard, but always have an out. Sounds like your vehicle was there, so good. My first group took a very dim view of gossip. It's so conditioned in me to gossip. I'm glad they made me aware of that though and I really watch it. I told my friend who was my sponsor here about trying to be careful with too much gossip. He said yeah I know but I don't really care. The following seemingly has nothing to do with your post. I'm sure I'm a little envious of my friend because he is financially very well off. Travels all the time, he has healthy hobbies like fishing (I couldn't afford to keep my boat, hardly ever used it anyway), we play golf (that bourgeoisie game I wasn't into until my body was too beat up and I got to old to play tennis the way I used to, pride issue), has a family inherited place up in the NY finger lakes he goes to every summer to get away from these brutal Florida summers. He also has to take care of his 98 year old mother so these are part of his intensive traveling. Just seems like he never has time to actually sit with himself very often and probably doesn't ruminate much on anything. That's a good thing. Aihfl, just remember that many people in AA have serious issues.
 
Ok I've just got to rant a little (what's new, huh?). I made the mistake of joining some guys from NA for their weekly trip to a Chinese buffet and the conversation made me so angry and physically nauseous I had to leave. They started talking about specific women, naming names, in an inappropriate and highly sexual way. It is fucked up beyond my comprehension to be using a recovery support group as a hookup strategy. Part of me wants to never return to that group and put these people in a mental box, seal it up tight and never let it see the light of day again, and part of me wants to go back and find these women and tip them off to what may be coming. Every time I think about it I uncover an entirely new way in which this is just so, so fucked up and it gets me worked up all over again.

Sorry to hear about your experience. I'm frequently disappointed and offended by NA members, but I try not to throw out the baby with the bathwater. The actions of a few individuals doesn't keep me from maintaining my place in NA, and if anything, it helps me recognize the type of behavior I won't tolerate and no longer want to associate with. Unfortunately, some people in those groups aren't interested or willing enough to make changes to their lifestyles, and their addiction gets fed in other, sometimes repulsive ways. I'm learning to be more assertive and set boundaries with people in the program, but I still often have this niggling sense that there is more being asked of me than what is being communicated and it can be very stressful to orient myself ("show up") appropriately.
 
Sorry to hear about your experience. I'm frequently disappointed and offended by NA members, but I try not to throw out the baby with the bathwater. The actions of a few individuals doesn't keep me from maintaining my place in NA, and if anything, it helps me recognize the type of behavior I won't tolerate and no longer want to associate with. Unfortunately, some people in those groups aren't interested or willing enough to make changes to their lifestyles, and their addiction gets fed in other, sometimes repulsive ways. I'm learning to be more assertive and set boundaries with people in the program, but I still often have this niggling sense that there is more being asked of me than what is being communicated and it can be very stressful to orient myself ("show up") appropriately.

This is a good outlook. For me, a lot of the value of NA comes from the chance it gives me to observe and assess how other people handle their own recovery...and from there, I try to adjust my own approach accordingly. In this respect, negative examples are as valuable as positive examples. The nasty cliques, the gossip, the sexism...these things are unfortunately very common on 12-step circles. To the best of my ability, when I observed these behaviors, I try to make a mental of note of how shitty they are.

Now, I do believe that observed bad behavior is as instructive as observed positive behavior. But it really is unpleasant. @aihfl...I totally would have bailed on the lunch too.
 
Well I made the mistake of bringing this up to a [female] GSR. Apparently NA in this area is pretty incestuous, has been for a long, long time, and is nothing anyone thinks is going to change anytime soon. She got a bit defensive since she met her fiancee at NA (although by all outward appearances their relationship is healthy). I don't have my own meeting that I regularly chair, so I think a break is in order. As fucked up as it is for men to be predators, how fucked up and how low does your self-esteem have to be to think that you don't deserve any better than some POS ex junkie?

simco said:
More than anything else, revisiting places related (in my mind) to drugs is still the thing that fucks with my head the worst. A big part of why I just moved across the country is due to the fact that the shitty town I was living in was just haunted for me...dope everywhere.

I'm glad you went to treatment that day.

Thank you Sim. Yeah even after all that and spending 28 days in treatment that still wasn't enough for me to stay clean. I thought about leaving here since I can do my job from just about anywhere, but I was advised by my therapist and 12 step peers to not make any dramatic decisions so quickly so I stayed put; basically if you don't have a reason other than "I'm free to go" don't. Now that I have some time, have gotten healthy and I feel like my life once again has direction, I'm contemplating going and working on a dive boat seasonally in some exotic locale, after I gain my divemaster rating.
 
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I had a stark realization this morning that I have been trying extremely hard to maintain control in a helpless situation. My life has changed dramatically in a short amount of time, and it had started feeling like I had no "me" time, so I tried to carve a little bit of that out in whatever way I knew how. I had noticed the helplessness and anxiety for a while, but it just occurred to me what I was doing to try to help myself. It's relieving to recognize that there's a logical answer for what life has felt like recently, and one that is free of shame and self-flagellation is a-okay with me.
 
I had a stark realization this morning that I have been trying extremely hard to maintain control in a helpless situation. My life has changed dramatically in a short amount of time, and it had started feeling like I had no "me" time, so I tried to carve a little bit of that out in whatever way I knew how. I had noticed the helplessness and anxiety for a while, but it just occurred to me what I was doing to try to help myself. It's relieving to recognize that there's a logical answer for what life has felt like recently, and one that is free of shame and self-flagellation is a-okay with me.

This seems like a very important realization. Have you been able to carve out some me-time succesfully?
 
This seems like a very important realization. Have you been able to carve out some me-time succesfully?

To be clear, what I mean is that because I felt like I had no "me" time, I had been reaching for compulsive, pleasurable activities/behaviors for escape. This is something I did with drug use, but also applies to other behaviors - the way it manifests for me is a desire for mindless activity, distraction, etc. I just became fully aware of this a few hours ago, but I'm hopeful that it means I will be able to be more present, not trying to change the past or impose my will on the future.
 
To be clear, what I mean is that because I felt like I had no "me" time, I had been reaching for compulsive, pleasurable activities/behaviors for escape. This is something I did with drug use, but also applies to other behaviors - the way it manifests for me is a desire for mindless activity, distraction, etc. I just became fully aware of this a few hours ago, but I'm hopeful that it means I will be able to be more present, not trying to change the past or impose my will on the future.

Welcome to my life :\ ;)
 
I hit 90 off alcohol and cigs yest.. and 50+ off everything. I'm doing good and things are healing nicely
 
Nice work! I am looking forward to my uni's dry campus (never thought I'd be saying such a thing, but it will make my life easier so yay).

Some day I'd like to hear more about how you quit/your experience quitting smoking cigs :)
 
Shared my story the other night, it went really well. Someone after the meeting and pulled up on me and asked if I could be his sponsor, he said my story was simular to his. So i accepted, and we are going to go through the book the same way I did with my sponsor.
Reasured my soberity, and glad to help the new guy. Always, when someone reachs out for my help, i want to be there.
 
Nice work D's! That kind of recognition sure does feel good (and god knows you deserve it!).

You keep on working your own program too, but this could be a great opportunity to strengthen what your doing and learning new things through teaching another what you've already learned from others. Sometimes I feel like teaching can present the best learning opportunities :)
 
I moved from Vancouver, BC to Delray Beach, FL to kick my IV heroin and cocaine addiction in 2013. I stayed clean for 3 1/2 years (from everything). My girlfriend and I decided to try smoking weed last august. The progression has gotten worse and worse. Occasional weed turned into everyday, then came booze, then xan bars, kratom, and just the other day I bought heroin and crack. I have been sniffing dope and smoking crack everyday for the last 5 days. Today is my first day off of them both; however, Im still drinking kratom. I eventually am going to get clean from everything again. Not looking for pity, just want to let anybody know, who is new to sobriety, thats its WAY BETTER than getting high. I have a hard time with AA and NA, so I'm not sure what my long term plan is....just feeling very low right now. Can't believe what I did. That itch just came right back.
 
I moved from Vancouver, BC to Delray Beach, FL to kick my IV heroin and cocaine addiction in 2013. I stayed clean for 3 1/2 years (from everything). My girlfriend and I decided to try smoking weed last august. The progression has gotten worse and worse. Occasional weed turned into everyday, then came booze, then xan bars, kratom, and just the other day I bought heroin and crack. I have been sniffing dope and smoking crack everyday for the last 5 days. Today is my first day off of them both; however, Im still drinking kratom. I eventually am going to get clean from everything again. Not looking for pity, just want to let anybody know, who is new to sobriety, thats its WAY BETTER than getting high. I have a hard time with AA and NA, so I'm not sure what my long term plan is....just feeling very low right now. Can't believe what I did. That itch just came right back.

Sorry to hear you're struggling. But your 3.5 years of sobriety is an amazing accomplishment...you can do it again. Do you remember how you got control over the problem that previous time?
 
Three and half years is a lot of time dealing with life and being sober at the same time. I haven't gotten that far yet. All I can say is that for me it's a never ending struggle. Not that I'm craving or depressed at the moment but I still feel like my life turned me into someone different and I have to deal with that everyday. So I'm constantly concerned so that I don't relapse, to the point it really became natural not to worry but be watchful about that and still be able to find some happiness here and then. At the meantime I learned to enjoy exercising, I feel pleasure in going out with friends - eat out with my family. But I still miss being that guy who used to handle everything as if it didn't weigh on me. I get stressed, my feelings are more intense.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you don't need to go back all that much just rewind a couple of weeks and try to see what led you to loose control. Life without drugs can be quite serious and boring sometimes but you have found a way to deal with that. Maybe it wasn't bad at all. What were the things you used to like? What did motivated you everyday? I am pretty sure you'll find your way back, as you might have heard so many times is that your relapsing is part of the process. We are all under the same coverage, and some of us will act similarly when life is to tough or when we loose someone. The dreams and thoughts that we could just do it once more and get back to normal just for the fun of it.

You have gone through a lot to be sober for so long. You have this strength in you and I suggest you try to go back to old routines. I know it's hard to think about that when we have just tasted what some magic could do. But you know that it doesn't last and that there's no future if we choose to continue. Or at least not a good one. Thank God you've just been using for 5 days - you haven't gone far. Start over and do what you have done before. At this time you would have learned something that some of us haven't yet. It happens and you'll get over this. Just try to do it without good byes. I remember having relapsed for weeks and on the following days I wouldn't even want to watch TV or go to work. If that is what's happening today, this will pass pretty quickly IMO.

Wish you all the best!
 
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