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July Getting/Staying Clean/Sober Thread vs. "Fireworks and Toss your Works"

Cleared 30 days today off everything and almost 60 off booze and cigs.

That's awesome. Congratulations!

I need to vent for a moment so I hope nobody minds...

I was having a pretty good day until my mom got home. (Yes, I was forced back into living with my parents after my breakup, addiction, the recession, etc.) Something came on the news about people administering Narcan to heroin addicts and she went on her tirade about how all addicts are losers and deserve to die. I tried reasoning with her but she just went on and on about it. I went out back to smoke a cigarette in peace but she followed me outside, and I didn't want her to start lecturing me about that as well so I came back in. I won't drive right now because I am slightly under the influence and refuse to put anybody else in danger, even though I am 100% in control of my body and mind right now.

This type of thinking is the #1 reason why I have been hiding my addiction for so long, rather than asking for help. I want to scream right now but I have nowhere to do so...
 
Honestly, its okay to get pissed in circumstances like this when someone you care deeply about shits on your very being.

Maybe, one day, a hundred years from now, we'll have had enough time to make progress undoing all the anti-drug and government propaganda about drugs (and as the older generations indoctrinated most heavily die off), perhaps such an attitude will be the exception as opposed to the norm.

It's beyond frustrating. Props for hanging in there dreamflyer! Dealing with loved ones like that, particularly with a parent under those circumstances (which I and others on here know all too well), can be one of the most challenging things. It certainly hasn't made recovery any easier or more accessible for me.
 
Honestly, its okay to get pissed in circumstances like this when someone you care deeply about shits on your very being.

Maybe, one day, a hundred years from now, we'll have had enough time to make progress undoing all the anti-drug and government propaganda about drugs (and as the older generations indoctrinated most heavily die off), perhaps such an attitude will be the exception as opposed to the norm.

It's beyond frustrating. Props for hanging in there dreamflyer! Dealing with loved ones like that, particularly with a parent under those circumstances (which I and others on here know all too well), can be one of the most challenging things. It certainly hasn't made recovery any easier or more accessible for me.

Thank you my friend :)

Maybe I'll go for a walk, but without the cigarette because they're banned in a lot of public areas around here (eastern seaboard). Don't get me wrong... I know that smoking sux, but it's getting to the point where you can't do it anywhere, even in wide open spaces with nobody else around. Hopefully it won't become like Singapore, where you can go to prison for chewing gum 8o
 
Yeah it's pretty intense in an area I used to live in around LA (Glendale). I got a ticket for throwing a cigarette out a window of a car (not a littering ticket, but a specific dude-throws-lit-cigarette-butt onto the freeway ticket a year or something ago and had to go to court, pay a fine and do one day of community service (which, given the location I chose, was kinda fun). No smoking on public property in Glendale either, so god help you it's your outside a bar on the sidewalk after a hard night of drinking and want to burn one...

More cities and facilities around LA and in CA have been enacting laws like this over the last five or ten years. I find it super frustrating how public CA colleges and universities, considering how long it takes me to get off of UCLA's campus once I'm there (just cause it's so fucking huge). I always feel guilty breaking the rules, but thankfully no one really seems to care as I'm rather discrete. But I guess it's a good over all policy in terms of discouraging smoking.

But in any case, I find I enjoy both my walks more when I'm not walking and smoking at the same time AND I "enjoy" (truth me told it's more like "hate less") smoking cigarettes more when I smoke them sitting down or standing but leaning on something :)

I really enjoy taking breaks from smoking. Like whenever I go on an insight meditation retreat I'll not smoke (well, with one exception), instead bringing some nicotine gum or chew. It's super easy not to smoke in an environment like that, and it's really a gratifying little vacation form engaging in one of the most powerfully compulsive behavior's I've ever known.

A reminder that, yes, I am able to live without sucking those nasty things down. I mean, if I was the kind of person who could just smoke a cigarette now and again I wouldn't hate them so much, but my relationship with them is far less secure than that. Shit has a bit of tendency to control me, and as the last drug I use to do that I find it really disturbing sometimes.

Somewhat ironically, learning to mindfully smoke cigarettes (when smoking doing nothing - so no distractions like the phone or walking or talking - but smoking and concentrating fully on the experience of smoking) has helped me cut down a lot. It's even more gross when you're really paying attention to the details involved in how they taste, smell, the texture of the smoke, the feeling of the smoke between your fingers, etc. Becomes far less appealing rather quickly, and I recommend it to anyone interested in cutting down or quitting smoking. I have a friend who's a Chinese psychiatrist on sabbatical at UCLA who say she's going to work on creating a mindful smoking program (harm reduction based) for her practice when she gets back home. There's definitely something to it.

As one of my teachers likes to say, it's impossible to smoke an entire cigarette mindfully :)
 
Thanks to CH, Erikmen, and simco for the kind words! Hope everyone is doing well.

Today is 17 days for me, longrst in quite awhile. My daughter is staying with me for two whole weeks, and I have vacation from work starting in a couple more days.
So things are great right now, but I am still worried, because in about 12 and a half years the longest Ive made it is like 57 days. I always end up caving when boredom and cravings get too much, but trying to take it one day at a time and remember the places using took me to, and how much I never wanna fucking go back there.
 
That sounds great RDP89. You've come a ways haven't you? Not bad at all :)
 
Well I've had a rough couple of days. Yesterday I found out Blue Cross Blue Shield stopped auto debiting my payments in April and I didn't know until I got to the pharmacy counter at Publix and was told my blood pressure patches are $116 instead of the usual $4. Blue Cross did reinstate in but not before I told them I wished to make an internal appeal, and pending the outcome of that appeal, would make a binding external appeal to HHS as well. I told the Blue Cross people I'm on auto debit for a reason - I'm disorganized and I can't be bothered with keeping track of this shit.

Then yesterday, the fucking clutch on my relatively new Subaru Outback burned out. It is only 4 years old and has about 70k miles on it. The clutch on my pickup truck didn't go until well over 100k miles so WTF. I just hope the repair doesn't cost a left fucking nut.

It would be tempting to take a hit of booze to take the edge off, but I "play the tape," as instructed, and my tape consists of being shaky, hung over and unable to focus at best, and at worst, entails yet another trip to the ER. I think I'll just fucking deal.
 
It would be tempting to take a hit of booze to take the edge off, but I "play the tape," as instructed, and my tape consists of being shaky, hung over and unable to focus at best, and at worst, entails yet another trip to the ER. I think I'll just fucking deal.

I hear you, my friend. I woke up very anxious and angry today, but I have to drive to my therapist in an hour so drinking is absolutely out of the question for me. I'm actually glad though, because I know that by the time I leave there I'll feel a hundred times better and it'll be the farthest thing from my mind.

It's not "one day at a time" for me; It's one nanosecond at a time!

Peace, Love and Faith,
Dreamflyer :D

Update: I got my resolve tested again. I was off by a week because of the holiday, so my appointment isn't until next week. It sucks, because my therapist is an epic dude and always helps me a great deal. However, I realized that I was already feeling better and spent a while browsing the health food store around the corner. Now I actually feel stronger than I probably would have even if I did see him.

Funny how things just seem to work out better than we even plan sometimes :)
 
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That sounds great RDP89. You've come a ways haven't you? Not bad at all :)

Thanks. Yes, I have come a long way, but that doesn't keep from analyzing and obsessing over how much further I should be in life.
 
I feel like every three days I'm saying to myself, "this is the last time." I have real pain. I have a chronic disease that has lead to multiple surgeries that has lead to more pain that has lead to more scripts that has lead to more abuse. Don't get me wrong, I know KNOW I abuse my scripts. I also know I need to stay in treatment. I hated my group as much as I loved it. I would be there with a bunch of people staying clean off of alcohol and meth, etc, and they'd say, every single day, things like "yes, enter my real name, but I HAVE to take my pain killers because I just had knee surgery or ankle surgery or whatever surgery three years ago and the pain will always be there." Don't get me wrong. I don't doubt that they had real pain, just like I do. But I also know that they were abusing their pills. Because they'd start in groups by telling me that they made it to the end of the month with their script. Then during breaks I'd hear that they were trading because they were coming up a few days short. Then it turned into those same people couldn't get into a doc in town because of being red flagged so they weren't just trading, they were buying from people on breaks. So I learned that not only my groups were like this, but most Narcotics Anonymous meetings in town were like this. So where's a girl to go. A year later, that is of me trying to get and stay clean, I've resorted to online seeking. And of course I'm here romancing. And I'm not clean. I WANT desperately to be clean. But I do not stay clean for long. And I start back with good intentions, but I end up abusing and I do it quickly and with reckless abandon. The funny thing is, that I didn't use street drugs. I was raised in a meth house. So I didn't like it at all. I stopped drinking and smoking weed and everything else by the age of 19. Now I'm decades older with a very big oxy habit that I can't shake. Please don't take anything I said above as me thinking any habit is worse or better. Two years ago I felt comfortable in a friends' heroin den. I didn't feel like it was dangerous or frightening, etc. To quote 21 Pilots, "don't make any sudden moves...you might be one of us." Well, I am.
 
I am feeling so good these days its pretty ridiculous. Adding back in meditation very soon.. going to read up on new approaches tonight.

Hope everyone is doing good and making progress.
 
Good to see progress in here. I'm celebrating for not being stressed today to the point I had actually forgotten how it was like to relax and lay back. Everyone at work is travelling, and working in peace is actually making my life way better - even if it's only for a limited period of time.

Other than that, one day at the time. Looking forward for happy and relaxed days. :)
 
I am feeling so good these days its pretty ridiculous. Adding back in meditation very soon.. going to read up on new approaches tonight.

Hope everyone is doing good and making progress.

I've been very depressed and in acute pain for 3 weeks now, going onto the 4th. :(
 
Hope you feel better soon. I don't mean to be intrusive, but why are you in pain?
Wish you all the best CH!
 
Hope you feel better soon. I don't mean to be intrusive, but why are you in pain?
Wish you all the best CH!

thank you erikmen.

I'm in pain probably just because I'm stuck in a faulty human body. Genetics or whatever. Over-protective immune system. Lots of potential explanations/theories. I hate being stuck in a human body.

Even if I was happy I would be in pain, but the depression is undoubtedly making it worse, and vice-a-versa.
 
Erik, if you were referring to me, yes, yes, yes, very much so. As many people know, the withdrawls are hell. I copped a few more pills today to make it through. It's complicated, because the person who has my pills kind of babysits my pills, and when I ask for a few she gives me more than I ask for, and then I go through them at break neck speed. Especially when they are a particular type. Anyway, yes. and I'm coming to this thread and avoiding the "I'm high on oxy isn't it fun," threads, because I want help. I am not saying I'm better than anyone, I'm simply saying I am trying to get help. Maybe I don't sound like I do. I think I sound ridiculous from moment to moment. I'm bipolar, and the med fluctuation does fuck all for my mania. I can't sleep. That is helping too. I thought about going inpatient, but the after care is horrible. Everyone uses. Everyone cheats. Everyone claims they aren't when they are. So I'm here. I'm attempting to titrate. Once I do, that is it for once and for all.
 
thank you erikmen.

I'm in pain probably just because I'm stuck in a faulty human body. Genetics or whatever. Over-protective immune system. Lots of potential explanations/theories. I hate being stuck in a human body.

Even if I was happy I would be in pain, but the depression is undoubtedly making it worse, and vice-a-versa.

I firmly believe that being in pain causes all sort of sadness and depression for sure. I have experienced living like that for almost two years, and I can't express enough how horrible that phase was.

Like you said, even if you are happy, you can't really enjoy it due to all this pain. As challenging as this can be I wonder if there is actually some sort of medicine that could help you deal with this. There must be a way to cope with this condition in a better way.

I am rooting for you man. I really hope that things get better for you.
 
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Coming up on a year sober, have a lot of anxiety on what i will do once i am on my own.
I have a few weeks left here at the place i am at, and have a huge fear.

I'm so used to living on the streets, so thats why its hard for me to see myself like living in a house or something.

I know its a 1 day at a time thing.
 
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