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Getting things in line for the end.

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I feel that too Zephyr. I love my kids so much it hurts, I don't do well with feelings. But I've always gotten clean 'for them' people tell me to stop using or get my shit together or 'not die' for them.

I've never stopped using drugs for myself. Without kids i would happily be a junkie forever.

For once I would like it to be me that's actually important. I don't resent them at all, not one bit, but I resent that my life doesn't matter to anyone as much.

To the OP, please keep posting. Alot of us do get it
 
TheOpposite,
I would love to hear about what you want you are studying and anything you want to tell us (because we are us now!) about your book.
We aren't going to tell you what you think we are. A lot of people on this board have attempted suicide or thought seriously about it. So we'd like to just hear about you and these cool things you're doing- both of which are goals of mine that I haven't started!
Can't wait to see your posts.
Best, CD
 
I too am a single Mom. To a sweet, beautiful 9yr old boy .. his Dad and I separated when he was 4.. much like you and your ex I believe I read. My sister is my sons god mother and has had a role in his unbringing.. and I love her for everything she has done for him... for me. I just wanted to say that I am here to talk Anytime. If you want. Reading your posts made me so sad - although I can certainly relate to many of the things you said. I hope you dont go just yet - and I hope you know that you are not alone. This single Mom up in Canada is thinking of you today...
 
I too am a single Mom. To a sweet, beautiful 9yr old boy .. his Dad and I separated when he was 4.. much like you and your ex I believe I read. My sister is my sons god mother and has had a role in his unbringing.. and I love her for everything she has done for him... for me. I just wanted to say that I am here to talk Anytime. If you want. Reading your posts made me so sad - although I can certainly relate to many of the things you said. I hope you dont go just yet - and I hope you know that you are not alone. This single Mom up in Canada is thinking of you today...


Thanks for sharing your story with me NorthernGirl. And for the kind thought... It does sound like we share a surprising amount of similarities. I will be coming here more, for now.
 
TheOpposite,
I would love to hear about what you want you are studying and anything you want to tell us (because we are us now!) about your book.
We aren't going to tell you what you think we are. A lot of people on this board have attempted suicide or thought seriously about it. So we'd like to just hear about you and these cool things you're doing- both of which are goals of mine that I haven't started!
Can't wait to see your posts.
Best, CD

i have been pretty caught up in Biology. My book is about a span of things. To do with adoption (Yes I was adopted, taken by the state at birth because I was born addicted to meth and cocaine) and biological backgrounds... whether it be about mental illness, to addiction, to physical similarities. It seems to be taking a more personal, almost memoir like turn now. I will talk more about it when I can, because it's much more than just that.

the only reason I have kept coming back, even with how difficult it is to operate on mobile, is because this site seems to be a very appropriate and secure discussion board with a lot open minded intelligent thinkers. Thank you for your response cduggles...
 
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I feel that too Zephyr. I love my kids so much it hurts, I don't do well with feelings. But I've always gotten clean 'for them' people tell me to stop using or get my shit together or 'not die' for them.

I've never stopped using drugs for myself. Without kids i would happily be a junkie forever.

For once I would like it to be me that's actually important. I don't resent them at all, not one bit, but I resent that my life doesn't matter to anyone as much.

To the OP, please keep posting. Alot of us do get it


thanks AnythingEverything. What is your primary drug of choice, if you don't mind my asking?
 
I get it.

I am only alive for my kids. I relapsed on Heroin recently because it was either that or die at my own hand and I couldn't do it to them. Me, I don't care.

As for going to hell. What are your beliefs. From my own, believing in Jesus is the way to heaven. That's it. There is no mention in the bible of what happens to someone when they suicide and nobody knows what happens in someone's last moments. I believe God uses every single opportunity to get someone to turn to him, even the moment of their last breath. Some heavily organised churches believe suicide is an unforgivable sin but there is no way they can know that.

Finish your book, finish school, why? They seem like great goals for a future.

Your daughter, whether you have been her main caregiver or not, lives you as you are her mother and leaving will leave an irreplaceable hole. I feel bad for my kids too as they see me so sad and sick so much of the time and its easy to convince myself they would be better off without me. But they wouldn't....and as little as I think of myself, I do believe their worst day with me would be better than a life without me.

I get it. It's a blackness with seemingly no end.


I'm glad you asked why I want to finish the book and school. I want to finish the book because all though I am decided that it's my time, I do know I have a shit ton to say that can be of use to others. Especially, most importantly, my daughter. Why waste useful information?
i also want to finish school because it's important to me I finish things I start, that I am able to. I also want my daughter to know that school is important, but she has to make her own decisions. I just obviously am not happy about leaving her like this, so I want to at least leave her with all the memories of successes I had while alive. Instead of failures. That doesn't sound right, but I'm having to reply quickly.
 
OP, Glad you're still with us.

SO looking back though, over the thread, it makes me wonder how intense your current depression is? I'm not trying to doubt or anything, but your initial tone was that you were ready to go.

Now we find that you have two very long term goals in mind.

So, is the issue that you still have trouble even with those goals, inching toward the brink? Or you're sharing that these are the two goals keeping you from the brink?

Either one's valid in this forum, but it helps us to know.
 
OP, Glad you're still with us.

SO looking back though, over the thread, it makes me wonder how intense your current depression is? I'm not trying to doubt or anything, but your initial tone was that you were ready to go.

Now we find that you have two very long term goals in mind.

So, is the issue that you still have trouble even with those goals, inching toward the brink? Or you're sharing that these are the two goals keeping you from the brink?

Either one's valid in this forum, but it helps us to know.


i feel a sense of calm. And acceptance. I have a determination to end my life. But am not going to choose to do it before I'm satisfied with how I've left it behind. I.e. Finishing my book.

there was a moment of clarity for me when I decided. Like I said, a sense of calm. I am faced with finding ketamine and heroin still, though, when it's time.
 
As strange as this may sound, when I was constantly drinking I had more of a "will" I guess you'd say, to live. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to die then, too. I hated my life still. When my mind started to clear up, and I could focus on reality with a firm grip on it, is when I realized that this was my way to go. I've chosen.
 
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I need to add that neither finishing my book or finishing school is that far off. You asked why have the goals... the title of my post is "getting things in line for the end." Self explanatory.
 
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I didn't ask "why" have the goals, I asked whether those goals were currently sufficient to keep from offing yourself.

And they make good goals--they both have a tendency to go way longer than you expect, but with a lot of milestones on the way (mini goals).
 
Yes. Your book could be published and then you can write a sequel (that's gg in cduggles ;) ) and then who knows?
Biology never gets boring. For me it was super boring until I got to advanced classes. It's an incredible area of study!
You never know... until you do! :)
 
science or religion? Is there a god? Is there a hell? Am I going to go to hell? What happens to genuinely good people who commit suicide?


Personally, I don't believe in religion. I think it's a bunch of scare tactics to get people to behave to please their "god". I do believe in some sort of afterlife and possibly some ruling sort of creature, but I don't know what it is. I didn't believe in any sort of afterlife until my grandma visited me after she died. It's hard to explain, but I had an out of body experience where I was somewhere in the universe and my grandma spoke to me through some higher being of some sort or something. Then I believed in an afterlife. But to each their own.

I don't believe in "hell". I do believe that we are simply energies channeled into bodies and when we die, that energy is released into the universe I guess, then eventually other bodies. But again, you decide what you believe in. Perhaps our behavior in this life affects our reincarnation, like what we reincarnate as. Who knows.

I don't think that people who commit suicide are cowards. I don't think they are weak. I think they are people who had an immense amount of pain and chose to end it. I'm too scared of death to commit suicide, but at one point in my life I wasn't. I'm glad I lived. You can never fully understand the way a person is feeling, or understand their situation unless you're in their shoes. So for that reason, I will not judge anyone who chooses to end their own life. I guess I believe that people who commit suicide might end up having their energies "trapped" on earth until they accomplish something that they need/want to finish or for whatever reason. Then they're probably released back into reincarnation. Who knows. But I would never laugh at or berate anyone who commits suicide. Even if it was my own best friend. I'd be very upset, but I understand that sadly, pain can be excruciating and can be felt in many different ways which can become unbearable and in extreme cases, suicide can happen. But keep in mind, most people don't have that opinion.

OP, I hope that you somehow manage to find a reason or a will to live. But regardless of what happens, I respect your decision.
 
Personally, I don't believe in religion. I think it's a bunch of scare tactics to get people to behave to please their "god". I do believe in some sort of afterlife and possibly some ruling sort of creature, but I don't know what it is. I didn't believe in any sort of afterlife until my grandma visited me after she died. It's hard to explain, but I had an out of body experience where I was somewhere in the universe and my grandma spoke to me through some higher being of some sort or something. Then I believed in an afterlife. But to each their own.

I don't believe in "hell". I do believe that we are simply energies channeled into bodies and when we die, that energy is released into the universe I guess, then eventually other bodies. But again, you decide what you believe in. Perhaps our behavior in this life affects our reincarnation, like what we reincarnate as. Who knows. ...


Our beliefs, for the most part, seem to match up fairly well. All though I will admit that having been raised extremely LDS, your statement about religion being a scare tactic? Yes. That is 100% true. No matter what I do, I seem to have this twang in the back of my mind saying, "the ultimate sin is denying Jesus." And I get a bit worried about if there is a hell.

I have been watching those two atheist men with genius iq status' on YouTube the past couple days... "I believe in science more than religion." some truly interesting stuff.
But I know I am not atheist. I believe in a higher power, the beginning of creation. I do not see it as a deity floating around or any one "god"... I truly think that looking at it as a Mother Nature type way is best for me. I feel as if I am a ripple in the way things are... and I need to smooth it out by going quietly.

And thank you for your thoughtful response.
 
"two atheist men with genius IQ status on Youtube" . . . yeah, that doesn't really congeal, like Quaker Oxford Scholars appearing on Honey Boo Boo (I'm sure it's a thing, just that no one's really what they say).

Have you two considered if science and religion are in opposition in the first place? Are you sure they're exclusive?
 
"two atheist men with genius IQ status on Youtube" . . . yeah, that doesn't really congeal, like Quaker Oxford Scholars appearing on Honey Boo Boo (I'm sure it's a thing, just that no one's really what they say).

Have you two considered if science and religion are in opposition in the first place? Are you sure they're exclusive?

It's merely the title that was on the first video I watched. Someone suggested it, and so I watched. It seems to be some sort of talk show where callers try and debunk evolution.

I just find it very interesting, haven't dove all too much into who these men are. Honestly I don't care too much. I am unaware of their qualifications but the one guy is incredibly smart. I am about to watch a video right this minute of them speaking about suicide. Here's the link check it out, too if you'd like;

https://youtu.be/pMf_GMhvGzw

Correction, the title of the video through me off. Unfortunately it's not about suicide but rather the Christian caller is distraught and allegedly on "suicide watch" after speaking to the atheists. Sigh... anyway just some interesting shit on the internet.
 
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I have a strong urge to drink again, is an interesting update of events.
Not sure why I all of a sudden have the urge. The depression tonight is really, really bad. I'm finding reasons not to wait.

I am getting sick of doing this every day.
 
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I'm glad you asked why I want to finish the book and school. I want to finish the book because all though I am decided that it's my time, I do know I have a shit ton to say that can be of use to others. Especially, most importantly, my daughter. Why waste useful information?
i also want to finish school because it's important to me I finish things I start, that I am able to. I also want my daughter to know that school is important, but she has to make her own decisions. I just obviously am not happy about leaving her like this, so I want to at least leave her with all the memories of successes I had while alive. Instead of failures. That doesn't sound right, but I'm having to reply quickly.


You sound extremely switched on and intelligent I must say. Look forward to seeing what becomes of your book and maybe reading it one day.

In the post before the one I quoted you asked what my drug of choice is - heroin.

I mentioned the heaven / hell thing as you asked about it in the original post and I do have some strong views and perspective on that xx

Quick reply sorry but wanted to check in. Nearly 1am here and I can't sleep but I really need to. Talk soon
 
Oh and you mentioned something ahout having more will to live when drinking? I think that's extremely common amongst addicts! And that's part is the reason it's so hard for us to give up and let go. I picked up heroin again after so long as I didn't want to live in pain anymore but I can't leave my kids, so I went back to something I knew would make it all better, even for a couple of hours. Completely get it, it's tough :(
 
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