Cannabis helps me fall asleep much easier and relieves some of the aches and pains of working 2 jobs, 1 of which is landscaping and is quite physically intensive. It doesnt control the craving for heroin, but thats not really why I smoke it.
I dont know, I dont even really see these random usage days to be a real big deal to be honest. I guess I just almost miss the lifestyle as much as the actual high and that is sort of what lead me to go buy heroin. Had to check 3 different spots last night before I found something good, its kind of an adrenaline rush in and of itself, buying heroin in an open air market.
my brother also said some shit yesterday that got me ticked off and therefore in a "fuck everyone else" type of mood. After I pulled up to the airport terminal and helped him get his luggage out of the car after driving 2 hours through bumper-to-bumper traffic to the airport (and I didnt know it yet, but a solid 45 mins of bumper-to-bumper traffic on the way back in a horrible rainstorm) he pulled out a 20 dollar bill and handed it to me (I didnt ask nor expect any money).
And I said "oh thanks, that will put a lot of gas in the car (it was basically on empty at that point) and he just turns into this shitty mood out of nowhere and says "yeah well it better be for gas and nothing else"
like wtf? You just gave me cash on your own accord and then just started giving me shit over something that you created in the first place. If youre that worried about it, dont ask me to drive you to the fucking airport then dude like damn. If youre that worried about it, dont give me 20 dollars cash period, if youre that worried about it, well take a fucking number I guess. And he'll say stuff like this enough times where I already know whats coming the second anything involving me and money comes into play
Its like everyone still looks at me as a junkie so every once in a while I'll get all spiteful and actually go and buy drugs. I was planning on moving out to California with my brother but the more I think about it, that's probably not going to happen. We have never really gotten along and I dont know why it would magically work in California. He's so obnoxious with trying to get me to go to college as well. He literally turns any comment he can into a reason why I need to go to college, and uses the same bullshit responses for why theres not any jobs you can make a living off of without one.
Which is complete bullshit. How does every adult that I work with afford their house? You pick a trade and work in it full time. What a novel fucking idea.
In fact, my main goal right now is to never go to college and still wind up more successful than my brother because honestly I'm just smarter than him and a better employee as well. He can't work for people without getting on their nerves eventually, because he's always got something to say about how he would do things and whatnot. He doesnt know when to just shut up. Which is why he went into the Recruiting industry, all you do is bullshit with people all day.
and he'll be like "yeah I think you should go back to school and do this recruiting thing with me because I'd think you would be really good at it"
and in my head im just like "no fucking shit dude, I would be really good at a lot of things. I just dont want to do it
I've told him and my dad several times that I am never going to college and they just dont get it. I barely went to high school.
That shit pisses me off, when people try to tell me that I am too good to be doing a certain job like they both did with any job I ever had that I could have made a career out of. Mostly managerial stuff. They act like I have too much potential to be doing something like that. Seriously like shut the fuck up. I'd rather spend my whole life doing something that came easy to me and Im just naturally good at rather than spend a bunch of money, time, and effort trying to get into something I have never done before.
I absolutely take the easiest route in life, and I dont know when that became such a bad thing. So I might never make a million dollars a year... but what do I spend money on either?
its not even like my brother makes a lot anyway. I actually make more than him per week between both my jobs than he does at his 9-5 desk job. So idk what the fuck his deal is.
I feel fine today, no real negative consequences from using heroin last night. Clean buy, clean shoot, used a perfect amount for my tolerance, still got a couple errands done.
I understand that expecting to be able to moderate my own heroin usage is easier said than done though. Which is why I wont touch the shit for a long time now
and ideally, I just would never touch the shit again but like real shit I dont know what else to do with myself. And I was literally driving right by the area I cop in on the way back from the airport anyway, things just lined up too well for me to not get high yesterday.
Meanwhile, today and tomorrow, working 2 jobs each day. So I just saw an opportunity and went with it. Something I need to work on, but it is what it is right now. I know everyone that ODs always thinks that they know what theyre doing but idk like, I kind of genuinely feel that I do know what im doing...
and I dont even necessarily find it enjoyable anymore (thats not true, heroin still feels good), and know im just using it to cover up emotional problems but you know something?
Heroin is a pretty good band aid sometimes.
best way to sum up the relationship with my brother: he wil fully support me 100% in anything so long as he thinks it's something "worthy" of doing.
tough titties dude, live vicariously through someone else
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
