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March 2017 Getting/Staying Clean/Sober Thread v. something new is happening!!!

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The good- finally nicotine free, after three months of patches and four years of a third of a pack a day. God, what a relief.
The bad- returned to problematic alcohol use after a month or two relatively sober. Spirits, rather than the super fortified lagers of yesteryear; bowels and stomach a mess after a week long binge, going straight starting yesterday.
The ugly- heavily entrenched in my fight against the compulsion to order MPD analogues/etizolam/U-47700 online after promising my partner that I would abstain, worried that I'm losing said fight; damn the ease with which one can order RCs. Deleting dealer contacts? No sweat. Deleting a web domain? Not possible. Frustrating.
 
nohandsjoe said:
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The ugly- heavily entrenched in my fight against the compulsion to order MPD analogues/etizolam/U-47700 online after promising my partner that I would abstain, worried that I'm losing said fight; damn the ease with which one can order RCs. Deleting dealer contacts? No sweat. Deleting a web domain? Not possible. Frustrating.
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It really does make quitting even harder when your DOC is just a couple clicks away. I'd be really curious to hear how other folks on SL have dealt with this kind of problem. In my own case, I had to put a physical barrier between and me and my online vendors (i.e. I destroyed some hardware). Has anyone else had success on similar problems?
 
I'm having a very challenging and frustrating day. I really hate feeling negative emotions because my instinct is to scream and rage out and get angry and shit. It's so hard not to just fly off the handle about everything.
 
Honestly I'm open with my recovery and past history. My plant only has like fifteen people working currently and some guy offered to buy drinks at the bar after a long week. I said I don't drink because I'm a recovering junkie. A coworker overheard me and shared that he too was in recovery and we've bonded more since that time. We keep each other in check everyday because it's become stressful there. It's like having a meeting at work and we both feel better. Even met up at a convention which was really awesome and we know some of the same people.
 
Same thought process as Subotai. 6 year heroin user. just returned from Michigan Rapid Drug Detox (anesthesia while being pumped full or naltrexone). $total cost $9,000. My opinion, full of shit.

Ran up all credit cards including new ones. All for a false promise that 24 later I will be a sober success story, sprung back to life. Michigan was awful. Thank God I live else where. Although I saw snow for the first time in many years. Since RDD, I've been to ER twice. once I died. NEVER take naltrexone after heroin. Oops. Other times, i think i finally found the fentynal dope that was always on the news.

So after calling local rehab (half assed bc i only want to get sober when I'm high). I only want to get high when i'm withdrawing. What a mind fuck. the d man already texted. but i'm counting on these vidocin 10's to get me through was (although 7 turned into 2 in less than one day, and in a few hours i'm sure to be out)

So my taper is not going as planned. in my city dope is everywhere. it's easier to find an exchange clinic for all ur heroin needs than to find a bed at a detox. Can't step outside bc it will find me. sweaty and achy, pissed, want sobriety, but so accustomed to making a phone call everyday, and so many ways to get numbers, no way to delete these.

a little inspiration would be nice.
 
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Damn Jestem, that sounds pretty shitty with the rapid detox! What a scam.

You say in your city dope is everywhere. I'm not going to disagree with you, but dope is everywhere in every city - particularly if you already know where to look (doubly so when one is sick and has dope constantly on the mind)!

Do you have any access to something like buprenorphine or methadone, if not for maintenance, to help you detox?
 
crumbs of generic sub pills from va hospital. never made it to follow up appointments so didn't get refills. but suboxone is shit. I tried zubsolv and love those. but they're expensive. not covered by my insurance. time is ticking so slowly. one and a half vics left. called the VA and was told to come to urgent care but if I can't brush my hair how can i make it out of the house? unless.......
 
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JestemPolka said:
in my city dope is everywhere.
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I'm personally glad for having moved away from the east coast.

toothpastedog said:
I'm not going to disagree with you, but dope is everywhere in every city - particularly if you already know where to look (doubly so when one is sick and has dope constantly on the mind)!
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Powder heroin is extremely hard to find if not impossible in LA. Tar heroin is extremely less appealing, I don't consider it the same experience. And I must say, in many parts of LA, there really aren't heroin users. A lot of them gravitate toward skid row soon enough and lose their place in the outside world, I suspect. Tons of meth users, but very few heroin users in LA. I really enjoy living here for that reason.
 
Before H, I was an organic health nut, raw, holistic, vitamins, superfoods, matcha tea, manuka honey, probiotics, and the gym ever other day. I still eat healthy and exercise, so I've been excusing my behavior for 6 years now. I've mastered a double life. almighty universe, please allow me to find more vic's so i do NOT make the phone call. I have one half vic left.
 
^Can you get any other comfort meds to help sort yourself out? What is your goal, as in do you want to continue to enjoy opioids or are you more interested in trying to make your way without?

Captain.Heroin said:
Powder heroin is extremely hard to find if not impossible in LA. Tar heroin is extremely less appealing, I don't consider it the same experience. And I must say, in many parts of LA, there really aren't heroin users. A lot of them gravitate toward skid row soon enough and lose their place in the outside world, I suspect. Tons of meth users, but very few heroin users in LA. I really enjoy living here for that reason.
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That is an interesting perspective CH, and I tend to agree with you. Yeah, when I realized how prevalent methamp was here it kinda blew my mind.
 
i can't get anything when i'm dead on the couch, changing my pj's every hour from sweats. When i'm high i want to quit. when I'm withdrawing in agony and want to bash my head in a wall to knock myself unconscious i want dope....so it depends when you ask me. I am the cheerleader for sobriety when I feel great, yet guilty. makes sense? Oh, and i cannot leave house for longer than a few days due to responsibilities so 30 day rehab is out of the question. 5 day detox at MOST. my location really is evil. perhaps a new location would help.
 
actually this might be the wrong thread. I shouldn't through negativity into a thread that is vibrant with positive, catalysts for achievement, courageous sober people, and so forth. maybe I should find a thread with people still struggling to achieve the majority of this thread already has.
The guilt kicked in. I made 24 hours. however "made" is debatable since I used hydrocodone 10/acetaminophen 325s throughout the day. calling for a bed tomorrow again. bag has been packed for days now.
 
Getting sober didn't make me happy for a long time. It made me happy during the first weeks but then I realized I had to deal with another world in another time. Since I had no more space to fail I decided to go on and day by day I'd pick up something useful here and there. Exercises were a big deal but not as much as having a steady hobby. It does get better though. Not if you compare feelings and state of mind when you were under the influence, but life in general it can surprise you.

But I agree, it's tough! You have to be in a place where there's only that direction so it may be quite frustrating Subtotai.
Good luck! and take care.
 
JestemPolka said:
i can't get anything when i'm dead on the couch, changing my pj's every hour from sweats. When i'm high i want to quit. when I'm withdrawing in agony and want to bash my head in a wall to knock myself unconscious i want dope....so it depends when you ask me. I am the cheerleader for sobriety when I feel great, yet guilty. makes sense? Oh, and i cannot leave house for longer than a few days due to responsibilities so 30 day rehab is out of the question. 5 day detox at MOST. my location really is evil. perhaps a new location would help.
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I hear ya, it's super hard to take care of one's self when kicking. Add to that the difficulties involved when we don't have ready access to the supports we need in early recovery and it can make things seem all the more impossible (though they never truly are, even if they might feel like it sometimes).

What I would always do, particularly when I was starting out with all this recovery jazz, was to make the most of the time I was feeling more motivated and energetic. At first that meant using methadone and other opioids to help me stabilize my mood enough to manage organizing support down the road in my process. In all honesty it took a couple years of methadone for me to have enough time working on getting my life in order such that I would eventually be able to handle things without opioids (and BTW now I am handling things quite well indeed without them - it was just a matter of time and finding the right kinds of support for myself, as it seems to be for the vast, vast majority of us (actually I believe this applies to all of us who wish to stop using)).

JestemPolka said:
actually this might be the wrong thread. I shouldn't through negativity into a thread that is vibrant with positive, catalysts for achievement, courageous sober people, and so forth. maybe I should find a thread with people still struggling to achieve the majority of this thread already has.
The guilt kicked in. I made 24 hours. however "made" is debatable since I used hydrocodone 10/acetaminophen 325s throughout the day. calling for a bed tomorrow again. bag has been packed for days now.
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No worries Jestem! This thread is for everyone to check in and say what's up, doesn't matter if the news is good, bad or boring. I'm glad you used the thread to check in! Perhaps you can start your own "Recovery Journal" type thread to document your successes and struggles moving forward in your recovery?

A day is no small matter. Shit, sometimes 30 minutes it a bit deal! Does anyone IRL know what you are doing to try and improve your situation right now, how hard your are trying and how hard you are struggling? None of us can do this alone, after all. BL and SL is a great place to find support with harm reduction and recovery, but we also all need our own help IRL.

Keep you head up Jestem! You only truly fail when you stop trying. Anything before that is merely experiences to learn from.
 
JestemPolka said:
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NEVER take naltrexone after heroin. Oops. Other times, i think i finally found the fentynal dope that was always on the news.

So after calling local rehab (half assed bc i only want to get sober when I'm high). I only want to get high when i'm withdrawing. What a mind fuck. the d man already texted. but i'm counting on these vidocin 10's to get me through was (although 7 turned into 2 in less than one day, and in a few hours i'm sure to be out)

So my taper is not going as planned. in my city dope is everywhere. it's easier to find an exchange clinic for all ur heroin needs than to find a bed at a detox. Can't step outside bc it will find me. sweaty and achy, pissed, want sobriety, but so accustomed to making a phone call everyday, and so many ways to get numbers, no way to delete these.

a little inspiration would be nice.
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Our stories sound so similar! I used to be a total exercise/organic food zealot. Got strung out on dope and all that went to shit. I live in a small town that's absolutely lousy with heroin...several dealers just on my own block. Shit, I even had the misfortune of taking naltrexone a few hours after my last shot. Ouch.

I don't know if I can dig deep enough to be inspiring ( ;) ), but, man, I know the headspace you're describing so well. I'm a couple months out of being there myself. Things are still always dicey, recovery-wise. But you *can* get to a better place. I never in a million years thought I'd be able to put *any* months between me and drugs, but somehow it happened. Just keep trying. Don't give up... or if you do, when your energy is back, re-assess. You can do this, man.

On a more practical note, have you tried appealing the zubsolv issue with your insurance? When I was in a suboxone program, I found that zubsolv seemed to work better for me than other formulations, but my insurance wouldn't cover it. I was able, after a couple phone calls, to get them to change their minds. Obviously, no guarantees. But maybe worth a shot?
 
After three and a half years off of heroin, I relapsed in november. I'm January I moved to Florida to get back together with my ex and start a new life. Everything backfired horribly and I ended up strung out down here. Now I haven't used since Sunday but my life is a disaster, worse than ever. I lost my job, my girl and my house. My family is pissed I came here in the first place so they are no help.

I'm sober but life sucks. Stuck in the streets with nowhere to go sleeping in the park.

Anyone nhave some advice or moral support? I haven't been on here in a long time.
 
BrokedownPalace said:
After three and a half years off of heroin, I relapsed in november. I'm January I moved to Florida to get back together with my ex and start a new life. Everything backfired horribly and I ended up strung out down here. Now I haven't used since Sunday but my life is a disaster, worse than ever. I lost my job, my girl and my house. My family is pissed I came here in the first place so they are no help.

I'm sober but life sucks. Stuck in the streets with nowhere to go sleeping in the park.

Anyone nhave some advice or moral support? I haven't been on here in a long time.
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Glad you're back (though sorry it's under nasty circumstances).

So you've been clean since Sunday? That's fucking awesome! And before that... did you start using again right when you got there in January, or is it a newer thing? And--if you don't mind my asking--how high did things escalate? I'm only asking so I have a sense of where you're at.

Mainly, my advice is to see if there's *anyone* who you might be able to lean on a little. I totally know the scene of having family pissed off. But maybe they'll be more open to helping than you'd expect? At times like this, it's so hard to extricate ourselves from a bad situation. Even a little bit of help can be huge.

If not family, any friends you could call up, even if it's just to hear a supportive voice?

And until that stuff comes together, know you've got lots of support here on SL. I'll be watching this thread, as I'm sure many others will be too...please don't hesitate to vent, ask more questions, etc. That's why we're here.

You aren't alone in this!
<3
Sim
 
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