I ended up taking that 8th of shrooms and while they were much stronger than expected I found myself not gaining much insight from them. It seemed like a rehash of what I've already learned on my DPT and DMT breakthroughs. I'm left wondering why I keep tuning in when I've already gotten the message. Is there any place else left to go or is this all becoming pointless? Dosing feels akin to masterbation now; Fun but at the end of the day it's just self pleasure.
I'm thinking a break is in order and perhaps a change of substance and venue. I can see myself still enjoying low doses of LSD and/or MDMA in the proper settings but I think high doses with just music seem to be off the table for now. I'm starting to get to the point where I don't get much in the way of CEVs which are the main thing I enjoy. Also, I've noticed that tripping has become so normal to me that I'm going about my day instead of focusing on the trip itself. Despite telling myself I wouldn't and putting them away I found myself pointlessly browsing the web and messing around with my various electronic devices. These things have become my entire life as of late. I suppose tripping in winter/early spring just isn't for me.
I've also noticed that I seem to be withdrawing from people again. I want to trip with others but it's hard to find people that even enjoy these substances much less people that I feel on the same level with mentally. It's hard to find stimulating conversation in general much less while tripping with people. I feel like the number of folks that want to talk about big ideas are so few and far between and only a few of them are around that also want to trip socially. I'm tired of being the smartest person in the room, the rock, the one expected to keep everyone else grounded. People constantly look to me for answers and I'm tired of explaining things. Especially after so many years of people not heeding my advice and figuring out that telling someone something is usually useless and the only way they'll learn is to screw up themselves and learn from the mistakes made along the way.
I also feel like I've become somewhat of an asshole and will never truly open up to another person. I'm always on guard. My use of these substances started and have always revolved around opening myself up to other people. I know everyone wears a mask and keeps things to themselves but I feel like I'm still in my mid-30s and stuck to far inside my own shell. I wish I could figure out how to deal with my social anxiety without benzos, opioids, and alcohol. I've tried really hard but it just seems to get worse and worse as the years roll on.
Perhaps I did learn a lot but honestly it's just a rehash of what I've already learned. I feel like I really need to work on myself but it all seems so pointless sometimes. Plus the more I trip the more I become disgusted with the state of the world in general. We have all this technology and access to anything we'd like to know and most people just use it to look for porn. I'm rambling but I'm left a bit depressed after using those shrooms. I was hoping to learn something I already hadn't.
I suppose the message is no good if you don't take what you've learned and apply it to daily life. I think I'm going to work on doing that for now.
Edit: I did manage to find my happy place for some time to this track. I'd heard it many times before but never knew the source. It randomly came up on an internet radio station I was listening to mid-peak:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f-3_pZcFjow
I did get lost in the bathroom too. I almost had to puke on the peak because things were so whacked out. My mouth taste like puke for a time and I thought I might have hurled in another room and forgotten. Turns out I never did so maybe my mouth just tastes like shit in general, who knows. My pupils were bigger than I'd ever seen them on any substance too. Penis Envy are good stuff and I might grow myself some in the future. I certainly don't want to keep buying them for what they are going for locally. The price of an 8th is about halfway to a full grow with spores and everything.
